dandylion

Ann...I always liked this saying: "Co-Dependency shows up.....like the devil wearing a Sunday dress"......

dandylion

Ann

Yes! We "appear" to be helpful, strong, take charge kinda angels...the Sunday dress. Underneath, our motives and emotions show us we act out of fear mostly, with our desire to always please and take better care of others than ourselves.

I'm saving that Dandylion, putting it in my treasures.

Hevyn

You know, it never crossed my mind to look at my 'caring & concern' this way. I'm a classic enabler, that I know. I'm really appreciative of the discussion. Can't believe these things had to be pointed out to me.

Ann

Hevyn, I know you pretty well and you are a kind, caring kind of person with a big heart and loving soul. That's all good .

I think I am a caring person too, my mother taught me at an early age to help others and be kind to everyone and I try to do that in all my life experiences.

The difference between being a kind and helpful person and a codependent is "motive". Why are we doing what we are doing? Here are some red flags I have learned to watch for...

Rule #1

If I am doing for someone what they could and should be doing for themselves...that is codependent.

Codie Motive: It is me trying to control the outcome or bypass my own anxiety of watching someone I care about struggle with the lesson.

Healthy Motive: Because that person also does nice things for me and it's sharing the load in a fair and even way.

If I do something because I think the other person may make a bad decision...

Codie Motive: I think I know better and want to control what happens.

Healthy Motive: If it is obviously going to have a bad outcome, then show, explain, teach and then let go for them to make their own choices.

Those are just two examples of motive...hopefully others will have more. But just looking at "why" we do the things we do can help discern whether it is being done in a healthy way, or a codependent way.

Codependency has deep roots, often disguises itself and us as "a take control kind of person"...this one always served me well in the corporate world but I often forgot to turn it off at 5 o'clock.

Lots to talk about here, isn't there.

Hugs

Hevyn

I'm thinking back to the time when I was trying to help my alcoholic husband. (My own addiction problems came later.) I can see now that I had Codie Motives each & every time. The damage was done by the time I realized I was enabling him. (Calling in to work saying he was sick, making excuses as to why he wasn't at holiday gatherings, etc.)

Yes, lots to talk about.

peacelovesober

uote:
8. I am able to decide for myself when to listen, when to
speak,
when to act, and how to respond.

Yes! This was the answer i needed. I posted earlier about all the bashing and name calling. When i help him and he does what he always does i am surprised and angry.

i tok am as addicted to the chaos and familiarity of enabling and my old coping patterns.

I wish i had some great wisdom to add but at the moment i just have today.

Ann

Hev, yes, covering for them is something I too have been guilty of. And bailing him out of jail when he promised to stay at home and only go to meetings and stay clean because he had learned his lesson and would do anything I said...boo hoo. I bailed him out and we were not even home yet when he got out of the car to head to his using grounds....not even home. I didn't know bail could be recanted or I would have gone right back and done that.

Peaselovesober, don't beat yourself up, we have all been where you are. Sharing that helps, it's another trait most of us have in common. It's about "expectations", thinking if we do or say one thing, they will do or say what we project. Most expectations lead to disappointment because there is nothing predictable about a person who is addicted.

We just can't expect a responsible outcome when we are dealing with the insanity of addiction.

I am away tomorrow until evening, but will check in because I too am learning from all this and the thought provoking responses.

peacelovesober

Ann from the first day I joined sober recovery your wisdom and input have been a treasure. Thank you for sharing and helping us all navigate this journey. Posting helps and reading every one share on this topic is a life saver today.

I am learning each day and just when I feel like I am doing so great I see that ugly codie behavior rear its head. I do almost all the things we are discussing. Making excuses, bailing them out, paying the bills, and definitely not being able to see them suffer the consequences of their actions.
This has been so helpful thanks to everyone

Anaya

'...codie behavior rear its head.' To peacelovesober: Hoping it is helpful to you when I share that in my case, old habits/old behaviors die hard. With what I've learned since joining SR, at least I now have a plan to recognize and work on the behavior and to choose to not let it continue to be the status quo.

Hugs

Ann

Peacelovesober, before I could solve my problems I had to identify them. It wasn't easy for someone as perfect as me, ya know?

I found I needed to acknowledge my problem, accept my part in causing it and take the action I needed to change my behaviour...the 3 A's that helped me work through things.

Part of my program is taking a personal inventory, quite a thorough one in Step 4 but also an ongoing one to make sure I stay on a good path. It's one of the reasons I like to work through the steps at least once a year because as times change and I grow, my issues change and doing this keeps my program fresh and I can apply it to my life today.

Yesterday I had a thought on "expectations" on the tip of my tongue and couldn't think of what it was. Today I remembered, it was something Melody Beattie (my favourite author on codependency) once said. She said "Nothing is more frustrating that expecting something from someone who has nothing to give."

How true that was for me, my expectations are often about situations that simply are not mine to control. A tough lesson, that one.

Does anyone have thought to share about daily exercises that maybe have helped you as you go? Are there things you do to check yourself or put yourself back on track when everything else goes wrong?

Recovery is easy on a good day and sometimes almost impossible on a bad day. Why is that? What helps you in the trenches?

Hugs