RobbyRobot

Yeah. Personal growth. I'm all for that. Intellectually. Feeling wise, not so much. I feel like I want to escape. These kind of feelings are unfortunately authentic. We all know where this is going.

Fly N Buy

Sobriety for me is simply defined as no alcohol consumed and no recreational drugs ingested. For me , this includes the potential grey area of pot....


The rest of it, I agree - the process of life, maintaining sobriety has shades to it IMO.

That's how I view it......progress, not perfection. To me that doesn't mean continual relapse. That IMO is not progression.

Great Topic
Thanks

RobbyRobot

Fear is the great mind-killer, as we all realize from our shared experiences. I'm having unrealistic fears that are not relenting in their torment of my psyche. On the one hand I can dismiss such nonsense. On the other, I'm being physically forced to introspect these new feelings and headspaces. I didn't get sober with these kind of identifiers. I sobered up in 1981 at 24. 12 years past being 12 years old in 1969. The loss of these feelings and headspaces is why I drank back in 1969 - I couldn't deal with their loss.

I seem to be having to go thru that same loss yet again some how that I as yet don't understand. I'm afraid I know this to be true if nothing else.

I sobered up as a different person than I'm now somewhat becoming it seems.

dwtbd

You sir are an extremely volitionally aware and introspective person, which I see as the font of you wisdom. I am just recently emerging from the fog of addiction and trying to start to embrace the effort and 'authenticity' needed to reach the level of introspection you display.
I am sorry to hear of your current situation and wish you the best and sincerely hope you are able to find solace, but if asked who around "here" would be one to look to , I would think of you and point them in your direction.

jdooner

To me what comes to mind is my own feelings of complacency. I felt I had achieved what I set out to achieve. I had reached number one and met my goals, amassed a level of wealth that afforded me freedom. What I did not realize is that freedom that I perceived were actually shackles to my new prison in my head due to addiction. I lacked purpose and complacency allowed fear to envelop my being - nearly killed me actually. While I could not feel it initially and certainly not intellectually, I had a moment that allowed me clarity. This little glimpse led to greater moments of clarity and now I am able to reflect upon the string of moments and see that my ideation lacked purpose or direction.

I wonder whether some of this as you grapple with disability is similar. I also wonder if you are allowing fear to limit your purpose. In particular, your book and your ability to share your story, an important story, which could help inspire others. To me that seems like what you are destined to take on next (taking a big liberty and assumption - so sorry). It would appear to me that what you are actually feeling is fear of moving forward. I find purpose helps move through fear, which then leads to growth once we can reflect and look back.

RobbyRobot

Sure, fear of moving forward exists. I've many years of successfully moving forward enough to realize I'm not. My overwhelming fears I'm grappling with though are emotional fears of failure. As an alcoholic, I drank because of how I felt. My head has always been whatever. My feelings of self though, these really float or sink my boat. I feel like I have no anchor and I'm adrift yet again with my physicality. My apathy is unbelievable and unexpected at this level. I really feel like I don't ******* care about me. And yet its not a poor me. If it was, it would be simplistic. I've been on enough poor me's in my day and I know how to shake them off.

This is different. This speaks to my core. I'm identifying with both the success I'm having with my abilities and the failure I'm having as well with my disabilities. My problem is I'm dealing with it (apparently) as a huge resentment against myself, and I don't know as why as yet.

Resentments are no friend of mine, lol.

ImperfectlyMe

I'm not always so good with putting the words together, so I will try my best for you. I am overwhelmingly proud of you for putting this here. You are definitely a forefather of this little group.

I'm very sorry you are struggling right now but I'm glad you're reaching out. I'd like you to read a book. It's changing my life and how I look at myself and the world.
" Creative Visualization: Use the Power of Your Imagination to Create What You Want in Your Life" S. Gawain. Just trust me it will change your world.

I'm sure I can speak for this entire community that we are all rallying around you and are here to return your hand holding. I hope you have a little peace today, you're a very good man !

RobbyRobot

Thank you.

matt4x4

Some very good reading there.
I guess what comes to mind now is the Authenticity and Black and White statement.
On lying. You either lie or you dont. A "little white lie" is a lie. But honestly and truthfully no one tells the truth 100% all the time. There is lying by omission. Lying by not saying anything. When one does those, are they living authenticly.

RobbyRobot

Interesting Matt. Thanks for joining in.

I can easily lie and yet still be authentic. This is a basic street skill I've had since early childhood. I'm even better at it now...

RobbyRobot

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uhpu2N4rQZM

This comes to mind, lol.

Verte

Hi RobbyRobot,

What comes to mind is the phenomenon of the long time prisoner who, upon release, wishes to return whence he came.

Is it possible that your brain and body might be working to equilibrate your new physicality and consciousness? Does it feel as if a valve somewhere internal to yourself has been opened and a high pressure stream of steam is slowly flowing from old, known self to new? Like a reconciliation?

Authenticity means acceptance of current thoughts and emotions as a necessary part of reformulating and reconciling everything you thought you knew about the last five decades plus of being you. You are in the midst of transformation and will find a new equilibrium...and drop a new anchor. The internal pressure valve will eventually have released all the steam. Things will be more quiet than ever and you will be transformed.

You could not have anticipated in any way exactly how, when or in what form this reconciliation would occur when you bravely went through that day in 2012. Perhaps you are realizing the enormity of the lived experience with your previous, now gone forever, physicality? You will be OK. Better than OK. You may feel utterly alone and adrift but I assure you that you are not.

Peace will not come to you while drinking and drunk to manage the emotional pain - we are here to remind you of this as well as other known things.

Soberpotamus

And maybe that is ok, you know? Change is inevitable, right? We all know that.

My heart goes out to you, Robby. I am trying to understand what you must feel right now, and I teared up reading your attempts to describe this existential angst, or the "surrealism" as you've said.

I don't think I can totally understand it, however, I had so much existential angst at a young age, and getting sober now in my 30's, it's coming to mind all over again So in a sense, I do get what you are meaning here I think. And I do get the part about sobering up and not being the same person... like maybe literally, not the same person, on a cellular level! It hurts the head to think much further

You are authentic That's really all I wanted to say. We are all real. And whether we always act in accordance with our beliefs, or falter there sometimes, I believe we're still "real."

RobbyRobot

I appreciate your well thought out share, LeTheVerte. Thank you.

As it is though, its not the loss of my leg in 2012 that I'm concerned about. That loss was well wanted. The surgery itself was elective. And successful. It gets complicated, even for me, and I'm living it for Christ sake.

Without all the details, here we go:

At 12 years old I was an athlete. I had my routines in gymnastics, wrestling, soccer (goalie) baseball (hitter and pitcher. Others would run for me unless I did a homerun, than of course I would walk the bases myself).

I had amazing upper body strength, and I looked much older and physically defined than my male peers. I could easily arm wrestle adults and win. I could also hand walk and balance like I was in a circus, lol.

I would be pulled from class, called to the gym, and show others how to do proper pushups, sit-ups, pommel horse routines, rings, and rope climbing. I could also skip rope like no ones business. All this on my left leg, while my right leg hung there useless, atrophied, paralysed. Completely flail. I could feel touch normally, but all motor nerves were shot from my right hip down to my right foot. I could hop around like a kangaroo.

I walked with a dbl upright steel and leather brace, which I was constantly breaking and outgrowing. The summer before my surgery, which fused my right hip to my right leg in effect making my hip unmovable, I was able to walk in a single day almost 16 or 17 miles. I even made the papers and was interviewed. It was a charity walk with plenty of others walking too. I had pledges. All this back in 1968 I believe. I had to stop not because I was tired, but because the brace working up and down was chaffing my leg and the bleeding was becoming a real concern. It took several days for me to heal from that walk, lol.

Anyways, my point is I was at the top of my abilities when they did the experimental surgery July 1969. the idea was to allow for me to only wear a below the knee short brace so as to allow for a more usual gait. My gait with a straight leg brace was unique and awkward. They were also concerned that my hip would eventually not have the strength to carry me into adulthood.

The experiment failed on an epic scale. As I tried out my regular routines, it became obvious to myself and everyone else I was done for as an athlete. I was cut from every event. Every sport I had signed up for I was now unqualified for. I went from hero to zero all in a summer.

I pushed myself nonetheless, and ended up breaking the hip they had so carefully fused. I went from walking to not walking again until I was 22 years old. And even then it was back to the old dbl upright design I had as a kid. They wrote me off after the 1969 failure. There are whole experiences I'm not sharing here. I'm just trying to get across how I went from being who I was to nothing more than a spectator.

The medics in my life tell me I went schizophrenic actually from that particular series of failures. All I know, is I learned how to hate myself in a way I could never have imagined: I learned to hate my body and I learned to hate success. I also learned to love alcohol in 1969 age 12.

What can I say? It looks like that 1969 hatred is back with a vengeance now that my hip fusion and flail leg is removed, and I'm able to freely move about. I gave up walking to be able to have the leg removed. The amputation is much to high to allow for an artificial leg, and besides, my hip would never be able to take the pressure now that the bolts have been removed.

I don't regret the 2012 surgery. I don't even regret what is happening to me now. Its just that I'm unable to process this new self-hatred in any meaningful way, as yet. Its unbelievable what I pushed down as a 12 year old who turned to being drunk to escape. All that crap is now coming back. At this point, the shame is the toughest thing I'm swallowing back. I'm unsure how to rid myself of it just yet...

Sorry for the long post guys.

Soberpotamus

The part where you say there's a part of you now lost to yourself, and how unendurable that is... I can only relate in the sense of the loss I felt after my grandmother's and mother's deaths. Because they are gone, the parts of me they knew are now lost, so it would seem. Their deaths shook me up and made me realize how important it is to branch out and have a support system of people who genuinely care and who really know you. Which I've always been reluctant to do, by nature.

And at the same time, their deaths freed me in the sense that I also realized I didn't die with them. I'm still alive. I can allow others into my life and get to know them, and allow them to come to know me. That takes away some of the loneliness.

I don't know if any of this helps or not, but it's the only way I had of relating to what you might be experiencing.

RobbyRobot

This entire thread, and all who post or thank it is awesomely helpful. I'm in pain and angst, but I'm far from beaten. I'm lost from myself for now, but I'll never be lost forever again, like I was when drinking.

I'm just really hurting and I'm unsure how to heal from this. Its been going on now for so long in different ways but never like this. I can feel myself wanting to just give up. I haven't felt like this since I was a kid.

Soberpotamus

It helps me to read people like Thich Nhat Hanh, Pema Chodron, and general buddhist philosophies on acceptance of reality. And unconditional self-acceptance. I have struggled my whole life (not surprising, since I drank from age 21 to 36!) with accepting myself, flaws and all.

Also, are you in group therapy? That might be something to look into.

I've just started meditating and it seems to get me into the state of just "being" and letting go of criticism and judgement. I do think over time it will come in very handy

EndGameNYC

I can't even begin to contemplate joining this thread without risking a dissertation. But when has that ever stopped me?

EndGameNYC

Without going all Charles Dickens on this thread (as many know, Dickens and other writers of his time were paid by the word), I'll say that genuine authenticity (redundant?) includes struggling with these and other processes.

EndGameNYC

Love it. Both parts.