light at the end of the tunnel...an update
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
stillwaters, i'm sorry i worried you. actually, i worried me too! when xABF kept coming crashing through doors and stuff, it quickly turned into an out of control situation. i would never have believed he was capable of it, but he turned into a raging, possessive, drunken madman!
i always have the alarm bells sounding now when i read that a previously passive alcoholic begins to throw things or block exits. that's how it started with mine.
and (drumroll please....) : i made a doctor's appointment to be tested for STDs! (pats self on back...)
tjp613, i'm american (ex-peace corps) but i like it here in this quiet little fishing village. after i left the peace corps, i found i just wanted a quiet life somewhere kinda remote. my father is from here, so that's how i have dual citizenship.
bernadette, i remember sitting in my new garden once and xABF had come up to quack, and as i sat there listening to him complain about this or that, the SR voice-in-head said: "you are free in this moment". it felt like the sun had come out from behind the clouds. xABF was droning on, complaining about how unfair life was and all of a sudden, i WAS free. he became tiny and black and white and it didn't matter what he was saying, it had nothing to do with me anymore.
hard to explain. there were a couple of moments like that where i was elevated out of the forest and could begin to see the summit, could feel the shackles coming off of my feet. it became apparent that i could stand up and walk out of the prison. it wasn't a real prison, it was only a prison as long as i thought it was one.
the best thing tho, is that my thoughts aren't occupied with him anymore. that obsessive spinning frantic thinking, fearing the next calamity about to drop on my head.
i'm loving managing my own life. the electricity is always on and there's food in the fridge and the rent is in good standing. heaven!
tigger, barb, coffeedrinker, pray4joy - thank you for your kind words.
i always have the alarm bells sounding now when i read that a previously passive alcoholic begins to throw things or block exits. that's how it started with mine.
and (drumroll please....) : i made a doctor's appointment to be tested for STDs! (pats self on back...)
tjp613, i'm american (ex-peace corps) but i like it here in this quiet little fishing village. after i left the peace corps, i found i just wanted a quiet life somewhere kinda remote. my father is from here, so that's how i have dual citizenship.
bernadette, i remember sitting in my new garden once and xABF had come up to quack, and as i sat there listening to him complain about this or that, the SR voice-in-head said: "you are free in this moment". it felt like the sun had come out from behind the clouds. xABF was droning on, complaining about how unfair life was and all of a sudden, i WAS free. he became tiny and black and white and it didn't matter what he was saying, it had nothing to do with me anymore.
hard to explain. there were a couple of moments like that where i was elevated out of the forest and could begin to see the summit, could feel the shackles coming off of my feet. it became apparent that i could stand up and walk out of the prison. it wasn't a real prison, it was only a prison as long as i thought it was one.
the best thing tho, is that my thoughts aren't occupied with him anymore. that obsessive spinning frantic thinking, fearing the next calamity about to drop on my head.
i'm loving managing my own life. the electricity is always on and there's food in the fridge and the rent is in good standing. heaven!
tigger, barb, coffeedrinker, pray4joy - thank you for your kind words.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
... i remember sitting in my new garden once and xABF had come up to quack, and as i sat there listening to him complain about this or that, the SR voice-in-head said: "you are free in this moment". it felt like the sun had come out from behind the clouds. xABF was droning on, complaining about how unfair life was and all of a sudden, i WAS free. he became tiny and black and white and it didn't matter what he was saying, it had nothing to do with me anymore.
hard to explain. there were a couple of moments like that where i was elevated out of the forest and could begin to see the summit, could feel the shackles coming off of my feet. it became apparent that i could stand up and walk out of the prison. it wasn't a real prison, it was only a prison as long as i thought it was one.
hard to explain. there were a couple of moments like that where i was elevated out of the forest and could begin to see the summit, could feel the shackles coming off of my feet. it became apparent that i could stand up and walk out of the prison. it wasn't a real prison, it was only a prison as long as i thought it was one.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
"you are free in this moment".
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
Naive, there is so much peace in your posts. It radiates through the computer. Thank you for sharing your success, it reminds me that it can be done, and I believe I actually envy you that you are there and my journey is just beginning!!! I will be rereading your post everyday, to remind me to hang on...just for a moment, just for an hour, just for a day...I feel my life is worth fighting for today, and I believe that if you can do it, I can do it too. So much gratitude that you shared that with us.....thank you again.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
hi naive, when are you going to change your nickname??
did you watch the movie "avatar"? they say one is born twice in life... and for you and me I believe these times are when we experience a rebirth... a shift... a "not anymore"... a "shaking off the old energy" trend...
i love it that you know who you are and dont need anyone to ack, approve or validate you... that is the best lesson ever!!!!! gives you your power and strength back... they were always yours!
i am very proud of you and i also recall a time..... being afraid of no longer seeing your nickname around. im so glad you and your HP worked together to bring you to the here and the now.
did you watch the movie "avatar"? they say one is born twice in life... and for you and me I believe these times are when we experience a rebirth... a shift... a "not anymore"... a "shaking off the old energy" trend...
i love it that you know who you are and dont need anyone to ack, approve or validate you... that is the best lesson ever!!!!! gives you your power and strength back... they were always yours!
i am very proud of you and i also recall a time..... being afraid of no longer seeing your nickname around. im so glad you and your HP worked together to bring you to the here and the now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
harleyd-
if i can do it, you can do it too. i know that is true. it took some practice to start being gentle and kind to myself as i was so used to taking care of him and ignoring my very real needs. it took a lot of discipline to stop trying to talk to him or care for him. no contact worked best for me.
the best analagy i can think of is it's like a detox. it's painful and hard in the beginning, because all the poison is coming out. it's very tough to endure this, but it is possible with the help of everyone here and with HP's help. after the detox, we are weakened and half of ourselves, but the poision is now out of our system. then, the strength starts returning and we refind ourselves and our way.
in my case, i know being here and reading the stories of the newcomers keeps it fresh in my mind why i made this choice.... because it is a choice.
if i can do it, you can do it too. i know that is true. it took some practice to start being gentle and kind to myself as i was so used to taking care of him and ignoring my very real needs. it took a lot of discipline to stop trying to talk to him or care for him. no contact worked best for me.
the best analagy i can think of is it's like a detox. it's painful and hard in the beginning, because all the poison is coming out. it's very tough to endure this, but it is possible with the help of everyone here and with HP's help. after the detox, we are weakened and half of ourselves, but the poision is now out of our system. then, the strength starts returning and we refind ourselves and our way.
in my case, i know being here and reading the stories of the newcomers keeps it fresh in my mind why i made this choice.... because it is a choice.
Seeking Serenity
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Thank you for taking the time to give hope and inspiration to those of us who are at the beginning of our journey!
Your post was filled with a sense of peace I hope to achieve at some point. What a wonderful feeling that must be.
Thank you Naive!
Your post was filled with a sense of peace I hope to achieve at some point. What a wonderful feeling that must be.
Thank you Naive!
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