AA 12 Step Study - Step 1
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
AA 12 Step Study - Step 1
Jay and I have decided to start a step study for whoever wishes to participate. If you’ve never worked the steps please feel free to ask questions and participate right along with us. If you have worked the particular step we are on, we would love to hear your experience with it. As with everything in life, I believe the steps are open to interpretation. All of our experiences and backgrounds contribute to how we perceive things. Since we have all experienced life different, our perception of the steps will probably vary, but the underlying concept will most likely be the same. We felt that we would get a lot of insight into different aspects of the steps if we were all to share our experience with it. I know for me, the steps have taken on new meaning the longer I stay sober. I find it fascinating that I continue to have revelations about their meaning and find new ways to apply them in my life. We are going to try a step a month. I have thought about how we would approach introducing each step. Instead of explaining the step we thought it best to share our experience with it as we do in meetings.
Step 1 We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives have become unmanageable
Powerless....yuck, I never liked that word when I was drinking and it still freaks me out a little today. I grew up thinking that I needed power in order to control everything in my life. Actually in the beginning, my drinking made me feel powerful. I was able to do things that I couldn’t do sober. That false sense of omnipotence and control stayed with me throughout the first part of my using. I was always breaking the rules in some way and getting away with it. I caused a lot of chaos in my life, sure, but as long as I was able to function successfully and keep drinking without significant consequences, then in my mind, I was infallible.
I eventually found out how dangerous that attitude was and how hard it was to let go of. In the Big Book it says “The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.” I’ve read that so many times over the years, and it still gives me the chills. I pursued alcohol and drugs into the gates of insanity and almost death. That is how determined I was to keep doing what I thought I needed to do, to live the way I thought I wanted to. I have never met a more stubborn person than an alcoholic. I have seen people on death’s doorstep with liver disease, shaking uncontrollably at 10am trying to convince me that they were not alcoholic.
The disease wants me dead and I was told that the only way to fight that, was to give up. Now, that sounded crazy to me when I first heard it. I felt that I had gotten this far in life by fighting and standing up and rebelling. Well, I looked around at where I was when this thought first came over me and I was in a hospital, still sick from detox and feeling out of it from whatever medication they had me on to control all of the hallucinations I was having. I tried everything to keep using. I tried to drink differently, to use different substances, moving to different cities, to get a different boyfriend. Nothing worked. I had lost everything, my job, my car, my boyfriend, my apartment, all my possessions, my mind and almost my life.
The first step is about surrender. My life had fallen apart in front of me and I had no other choices so I gave up, I surrendered and admitted powerlessness. For me, to drink is to die. There is no other option. I proved it over and over to myself.
Step 1 We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives have become unmanageable
Powerless....yuck, I never liked that word when I was drinking and it still freaks me out a little today. I grew up thinking that I needed power in order to control everything in my life. Actually in the beginning, my drinking made me feel powerful. I was able to do things that I couldn’t do sober. That false sense of omnipotence and control stayed with me throughout the first part of my using. I was always breaking the rules in some way and getting away with it. I caused a lot of chaos in my life, sure, but as long as I was able to function successfully and keep drinking without significant consequences, then in my mind, I was infallible.
I eventually found out how dangerous that attitude was and how hard it was to let go of. In the Big Book it says “The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.” I’ve read that so many times over the years, and it still gives me the chills. I pursued alcohol and drugs into the gates of insanity and almost death. That is how determined I was to keep doing what I thought I needed to do, to live the way I thought I wanted to. I have never met a more stubborn person than an alcoholic. I have seen people on death’s doorstep with liver disease, shaking uncontrollably at 10am trying to convince me that they were not alcoholic.
The disease wants me dead and I was told that the only way to fight that, was to give up. Now, that sounded crazy to me when I first heard it. I felt that I had gotten this far in life by fighting and standing up and rebelling. Well, I looked around at where I was when this thought first came over me and I was in a hospital, still sick from detox and feeling out of it from whatever medication they had me on to control all of the hallucinations I was having. I tried everything to keep using. I tried to drink differently, to use different substances, moving to different cities, to get a different boyfriend. Nothing worked. I had lost everything, my job, my car, my boyfriend, my apartment, all my possessions, my mind and almost my life.
The first step is about surrender. My life had fallen apart in front of me and I had no other choices so I gave up, I surrendered and admitted powerlessness. For me, to drink is to die. There is no other option. I proved it over and over to myself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Riverside, Ca.
Posts: 388
The first time I did step one, I was in a detox center, I did it off of a little form they had prepared for me, basically at that time I was still pretty messed up, and did the best I could, at the time it was just a realization that my drinking had gotten out of control.
Later after being in A.A. a while I did step one with my sponsor, using the Big Book, it was explained to me that step one had two parts, a. That I was powerless over alcohol when I drank it, this was easy for me to see, because when I drank I blacked out, did crazy things, and woke up in wierd places. and I could not stop at one drink, when I drink I never know whats going to happen or were I'm going to end up.
part B. my life had become unmanageable.
this one was harder, because I was still holding a job, and functioning to some extent, but the more I looked at my life, the more I could see that I was doing a lousy job managing it, I wasn't paying bills on time, and I was lucky to still have my job, I would call in sick a lot and just stay home and drink, other times I would just wait for the store to open so I could get a half pint to get me to work, I saw that all areas of my life were a mess, I was a lousy husband and father, I had just filed bankruptcy, I had no interests or friends, so yeah my life was unmanageable.
my sponsor didnt have me write anything out about this step,
but he did have me keeping a journal of my thoughts from the begining, and it helped me to see the truth about myself for this step.
Later after being in A.A. a while I did step one with my sponsor, using the Big Book, it was explained to me that step one had two parts, a. That I was powerless over alcohol when I drank it, this was easy for me to see, because when I drank I blacked out, did crazy things, and woke up in wierd places. and I could not stop at one drink, when I drink I never know whats going to happen or were I'm going to end up.
part B. my life had become unmanageable.
this one was harder, because I was still holding a job, and functioning to some extent, but the more I looked at my life, the more I could see that I was doing a lousy job managing it, I wasn't paying bills on time, and I was lucky to still have my job, I would call in sick a lot and just stay home and drink, other times I would just wait for the store to open so I could get a half pint to get me to work, I saw that all areas of my life were a mess, I was a lousy husband and father, I had just filed bankruptcy, I had no interests or friends, so yeah my life was unmanageable.
my sponsor didnt have me write anything out about this step,
but he did have me keeping a journal of my thoughts from the begining, and it helped me to see the truth about myself for this step.
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Powerless- My life pretty much revolved around alcohol. Besides the fact that I drank everyday, for most of the day, there were some other things. Everyday I would say I'm gonna stop, and the next day I drank again, this went on for a long time.
Once I started drinking, there was no stopping until the alcohol was out, or I was out. I did things to myself and others I never even thought of doing sober. I never knew what would happen, I couldn't really garantee any thing other than chaos.
Everywhere I went, everything I did, was based upon whether or not I could drink while being there or doing it. I would plan out my liquor store stops, if I was driving somewhere before I even got in the car. There was never a drive that was to far to go to get more, no matter where I was or what I was doing, no task more important than drinking.
Un-manageable That was easy for me, because I had given up my, family, friends, house, money, cars, clothes, things that once were important to me, basically everything. I lived "homeless" for a little over a year with nothing other than 2 sets of clothes. For most of that year I believed I was a "victim of circumstance" and that any day now my luck would change and I'd get back on my feet. my whole situation, I believed, was because of things others had done to me and I had the right to get drunk everyday, and someday, everyone would regret all the crap they did to me.
Once I started drinking, there was no stopping until the alcohol was out, or I was out. I did things to myself and others I never even thought of doing sober. I never knew what would happen, I couldn't really garantee any thing other than chaos.
Everywhere I went, everything I did, was based upon whether or not I could drink while being there or doing it. I would plan out my liquor store stops, if I was driving somewhere before I even got in the car. There was never a drive that was to far to go to get more, no matter where I was or what I was doing, no task more important than drinking.
Un-manageable That was easy for me, because I had given up my, family, friends, house, money, cars, clothes, things that once were important to me, basically everything. I lived "homeless" for a little over a year with nothing other than 2 sets of clothes. For most of that year I believed I was a "victim of circumstance" and that any day now my luck would change and I'd get back on my feet. my whole situation, I believed, was because of things others had done to me and I had the right to get drunk everyday, and someday, everyone would regret all the crap they did to me.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Fantastic idea for a thread guys.
For me the two operative words in the First Step are POWERLESS and UNMANAGABLE.
What am I POWERLESS over?
I am powerless over the ability to control the amount of alcohol I consume once I pick up the first thing.
I am powerless over the effects that alcohol has on me even though I try and tell myself that "this time I wont get drunk."
I am powerless over the people in my life that I tried so hard to manipulate and bend to my will.
I am powerless over the traffic and weather that used to infuriate me.
How was my life UNMANAGABLE?
My life was UNMANAGABLE in two ways.
Outward UNMANAGABILITY and Emotional UNMANAGABILITY.
My life was Outwardly UNMANAGABLE because of my inabilty to maintain healthy relationships with other people.
Outwardly UNMANAGABLE because of frequent car accidents.
Outwardly UNMANAGABLE because of work related problems.
Outwardly UNMANAGABLE because of financial ruin.
Emotionally UNMANAGABLE because of my inability to identify and express my feelings.
The Emotional aspect of UNMANAGABILITY is the hardest to describe but it was in fact where my true UNMANAGABILITY resided.
The inability to cope with or express feelings of Anger,Hurt,Fear,Shyness,Jealousy,Envy,Remorse,Lone liness.Grief.
Step One also made me aware of RESERVATIONS and that unless I was able to free myself from any RESERVATIONS I had about drinking I would always run the risk of a relapse.
A RESERVATION for me was the lingering thought in the back of my mind that maybe one day when I had a few years sobriety under my belt then maybe I could have a drink or two.
Another RESERVATION I had was that if I lost a family member or a loved one I would not be able to face the pain without alcohol.
The Spiritual Principles I learned in Step one are WILLINGNESS and HONESTY.
The HONESTY to admit to myself the POWERLESSNESS,UNMANAGABILITY and RESERVATIONS in my life and the WILLINGNESS to work the Twelve Steps of recovery.
Peter.
For me the two operative words in the First Step are POWERLESS and UNMANAGABLE.
What am I POWERLESS over?
I am powerless over the ability to control the amount of alcohol I consume once I pick up the first thing.
I am powerless over the effects that alcohol has on me even though I try and tell myself that "this time I wont get drunk."
I am powerless over the people in my life that I tried so hard to manipulate and bend to my will.
I am powerless over the traffic and weather that used to infuriate me.
How was my life UNMANAGABLE?
My life was UNMANAGABLE in two ways.
Outward UNMANAGABILITY and Emotional UNMANAGABILITY.
My life was Outwardly UNMANAGABLE because of my inabilty to maintain healthy relationships with other people.
Outwardly UNMANAGABLE because of frequent car accidents.
Outwardly UNMANAGABLE because of work related problems.
Outwardly UNMANAGABLE because of financial ruin.
Emotionally UNMANAGABLE because of my inability to identify and express my feelings.
The Emotional aspect of UNMANAGABILITY is the hardest to describe but it was in fact where my true UNMANAGABILITY resided.
The inability to cope with or express feelings of Anger,Hurt,Fear,Shyness,Jealousy,Envy,Remorse,Lone liness.Grief.
Step One also made me aware of RESERVATIONS and that unless I was able to free myself from any RESERVATIONS I had about drinking I would always run the risk of a relapse.
A RESERVATION for me was the lingering thought in the back of my mind that maybe one day when I had a few years sobriety under my belt then maybe I could have a drink or two.
Another RESERVATION I had was that if I lost a family member or a loved one I would not be able to face the pain without alcohol.
The Spiritual Principles I learned in Step one are WILLINGNESS and HONESTY.
The HONESTY to admit to myself the POWERLESSNESS,UNMANAGABILITY and RESERVATIONS in my life and the WILLINGNESS to work the Twelve Steps of recovery.
Peter.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi all,
Thanks for this thread, as a newcomer I am still learning the protocol so to speak of AA.
There are very few woman in my daily meetings and I've only been to my first womans meeting this past Sunday.
So I have been studying on my own and trying to understand if I am approaching this correctly. I am being patient on finding a sponser as someone suggested to me. However, I am "hungry" for knowledge about approaching the steps.
So forgive me for the time being if I don't have a lot to share.
But step 1. Yup, definitly powerless, over alcohol, and my life was begining to become unmanageable. I could only plan things for the week based on the days of the week I had already preconcieved to have a hang-over. So many lost days, so many.
So I like this idea, it will help me get a jump on these until I can find a sponser.
Thank you Senior members for showing me the way! *hugs*
Thanks for this thread, as a newcomer I am still learning the protocol so to speak of AA.
There are very few woman in my daily meetings and I've only been to my first womans meeting this past Sunday.
So I have been studying on my own and trying to understand if I am approaching this correctly. I am being patient on finding a sponser as someone suggested to me. However, I am "hungry" for knowledge about approaching the steps.
So forgive me for the time being if I don't have a lot to share.
But step 1. Yup, definitly powerless, over alcohol, and my life was begining to become unmanageable. I could only plan things for the week based on the days of the week I had already preconcieved to have a hang-over. So many lost days, so many.
So I like this idea, it will help me get a jump on these until I can find a sponser.
Thank you Senior members for showing me the way! *hugs*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Hi Chy,
It seems to me like you've got the first step down pretty good.
The admission of powerlessness is so key. It opens us up to be teacheable and to accept suggestions. I have been thinking lately how the first step teaches us about humility. When I was using, no one could tell me anything because I thought I knew what was best for me.
The unmanageability was sending me jumping through hoops a lot trying to back track and clean up the wreckage I had created the night before. The goal was to keep on drinking. I spent my time, not on productive things, but on that one goal.
I love what you said Peter about emotional unmanageability. I never really thought of that before. I can really identify with that one.
It seems to me like you've got the first step down pretty good.
The admission of powerlessness is so key. It opens us up to be teacheable and to accept suggestions. I have been thinking lately how the first step teaches us about humility. When I was using, no one could tell me anything because I thought I knew what was best for me.
The unmanageability was sending me jumping through hoops a lot trying to back track and clean up the wreckage I had created the night before. The goal was to keep on drinking. I spent my time, not on productive things, but on that one goal.
I love what you said Peter about emotional unmanageability. I never really thought of that before. I can really identify with that one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
After I read Sobriety Firsts disease part 2 thread on the Alcoholism forum, he reminded me that the literature does talk about being powerless after you've taken the first drink. He also said that it doesn't necessarily mean that I am powerless over whether I take that first drink. I replied to his post by describing my relapse and it made me realize that when it comes to drugs and alcohol, I am at the mercy of something other than me. Left to my own devices my alcoholism may have a way of getting in and talking me into that drink. I don't trust it, it's happened before. I remember justifying it in my head and telling myself well just this one, no one will know, it doesn't mean I'll have to have another drink just because I have one, maybe I'll just have a sip and I won't like the taste. Here's what I wrote on that thread.
*********************
I got sober and had 2 months shy of 5 yrs. I had a great job, an awesome condo, and I met this gorgeous guy and I thought life was pretty damn great. The guy drank but not alcoholically. One night we were out and and I picked up his drink, looked at it for a second and thought, I shouldn't do that, but I couldn't help it and my hand made that move from the table to my mouth. That was it, it was all over. I drank for 3 months, totaled my car, lost my job, got arrested because I stupidly called the police because when I came to in my car it was all crashed and I thought someone did a hit and run. Turns out the only thing that hit my car was a pole and I was the only one there. Blood alcohol level still enough to arrest.
All I know is that thank god I had another recovery in me. Most don't make it back. Damn right I'm powerless. I don't have to be in pain, I'm an alcoholic and I always will be.
*******************
As the years have gone by I find myself repeatedly going back to the first step because I find that alcohol is not the only thing I'm powerless over. I am also powerless over people, places, and things. All that means is I can't control it. It doesn't go the way I want it to go. I can't control whether my husband smokes pot again. I sure thought I could and I tried everything until it lead me right back to unmanageability.
Accepting the fact that I'm powerless over alcohol allows me to step aside and let something or someone else take the drivers seat. Over the years I've learned to have faith in this process. It's a work in progress and a daily reprieve.
*********************
I got sober and had 2 months shy of 5 yrs. I had a great job, an awesome condo, and I met this gorgeous guy and I thought life was pretty damn great. The guy drank but not alcoholically. One night we were out and and I picked up his drink, looked at it for a second and thought, I shouldn't do that, but I couldn't help it and my hand made that move from the table to my mouth. That was it, it was all over. I drank for 3 months, totaled my car, lost my job, got arrested because I stupidly called the police because when I came to in my car it was all crashed and I thought someone did a hit and run. Turns out the only thing that hit my car was a pole and I was the only one there. Blood alcohol level still enough to arrest.
All I know is that thank god I had another recovery in me. Most don't make it back. Damn right I'm powerless. I don't have to be in pain, I'm an alcoholic and I always will be.
*******************
As the years have gone by I find myself repeatedly going back to the first step because I find that alcohol is not the only thing I'm powerless over. I am also powerless over people, places, and things. All that means is I can't control it. It doesn't go the way I want it to go. I can't control whether my husband smokes pot again. I sure thought I could and I tried everything until it lead me right back to unmanageability.
Accepting the fact that I'm powerless over alcohol allows me to step aside and let something or someone else take the drivers seat. Over the years I've learned to have faith in this process. It's a work in progress and a daily reprieve.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Australia
Posts: 610
This is a great idea, I've enjoyed reading everyone's posts.
When I first saw step 1 in a meeting, I thought I'd done that one over and over for the last few years. But, as I went through it with a sponsor, I realised I needed to understand what powerlessness meant before I could admit to it. I saw that I couldn't stop after the first drink. I saw that even after a horrendous hangover full of shame and guilt, I went ahead and drank anyway. Even after losing everything and everyone, I was a total slave to alcohol.
The unmanageability part was the same, I had to understand it. At first that was easy because some things were really obvious, like not being able to leave the house without a drink, but I also realised that what I considered to be just "the way life is" for me when I was drinking (fear, shame, no money, no friends) was actually a completely unmanageable way of living. Obvious to everyone else maybe, but not to me until I did step 1.
Amy
When I first saw step 1 in a meeting, I thought I'd done that one over and over for the last few years. But, as I went through it with a sponsor, I realised I needed to understand what powerlessness meant before I could admit to it. I saw that I couldn't stop after the first drink. I saw that even after a horrendous hangover full of shame and guilt, I went ahead and drank anyway. Even after losing everything and everyone, I was a total slave to alcohol.
The unmanageability part was the same, I had to understand it. At first that was easy because some things were really obvious, like not being able to leave the house without a drink, but I also realised that what I considered to be just "the way life is" for me when I was drinking (fear, shame, no money, no friends) was actually a completely unmanageable way of living. Obvious to everyone else maybe, but not to me until I did step 1.
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Riverside, Ca.
Posts: 388
Step one is something that i still need to use a lot,
last week I started a new job, and of course the old thinking comes in were I need to get everybody to like me and I see things that should be done different, but I run back through step one and I remember to just keep my lip zipped, I can not manage other people, places, or things,
its so nice having a program, to remind me of these principles in my daily life.
all I can do is my best, and if they like me then cool, if not then well I was looking for a job when this one came along.
I just need to remember that my life is unamangeable, suit up and show up, and do my best.
last week I started a new job, and of course the old thinking comes in were I need to get everybody to like me and I see things that should be done different, but I run back through step one and I remember to just keep my lip zipped, I can not manage other people, places, or things,
its so nice having a program, to remind me of these principles in my daily life.
all I can do is my best, and if they like me then cool, if not then well I was looking for a job when this one came along.
I just need to remember that my life is unamangeable, suit up and show up, and do my best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
I've never forgotten how it felt to come to AA and find that I was not alone.It was an enormous relief to discover that there was an explanation for the things which had baffled me for so long.I really had believed that I simply didn't learn from my mistakes and that bad luck followed me like a stray dog.(No wonder...I kept feeding it!!)The first step made so much sense!!!
I found that for myself,I am powerless over the effect alcohol has on me.I never had a chance at being a normal drinker,because I never reacted to alcohol like other people do.As my alcoholism progressed,I lost the power of choice.I turned to harder drugs and more drinking and I could not stop no matter how desperately I wanted to.I tried and I failed.Time and again,I said I was not gonna do that again.But I did...again and again.
I made changes in location and friends but wherever I went,there I was again.I couldn't leave the problems behind,because I was the problem.I changed jobs and changed dealers and changed the lies I told myself and others.None of it mattered.
I hit the cold and rocky bottom and just to be sure,I grabbed a shovel and dug a little deeper.But I'd gone as far as I could.We pursue this to the gates of insanity and death, and I had arrived.
My life had been unmanageable for a long time,and now it got worse.I was alone and trying to get straight,with no idea what I needed.I wound up 30 pounds underweight,malnourished and delusional.My family came to my rescue and I landed in a crisis ward....a psych unit.It wasn't the kind of place where you go because you're doing such a bang up job of managing your life.
From there I got all kinds of help.They had food and clean sheets and occupational therapy.But they didn't know how to fix me and I didn't know how to tell them what was wrong.I was lost in the fog.It seemed like pure luck when I met a drug and alcohol counselor from the rehab across the street.But people like I was then don't have much good luck.I kinda think God was answering a prayer.The rehab people took me under their wing and I got some outpatient treatment.Best of all...they took me to meetings.And that's where it clicked for me.
I found out that I was powerless over alcohol and a lot of other things and that my life had become unmanageable.And I was such a total wreck,that I thought that was the good news
I was right.The even better news was that I wasn't alone and that there is a solution.
phoenix
I found that for myself,I am powerless over the effect alcohol has on me.I never had a chance at being a normal drinker,because I never reacted to alcohol like other people do.As my alcoholism progressed,I lost the power of choice.I turned to harder drugs and more drinking and I could not stop no matter how desperately I wanted to.I tried and I failed.Time and again,I said I was not gonna do that again.But I did...again and again.
I made changes in location and friends but wherever I went,there I was again.I couldn't leave the problems behind,because I was the problem.I changed jobs and changed dealers and changed the lies I told myself and others.None of it mattered.
I hit the cold and rocky bottom and just to be sure,I grabbed a shovel and dug a little deeper.But I'd gone as far as I could.We pursue this to the gates of insanity and death, and I had arrived.
My life had been unmanageable for a long time,and now it got worse.I was alone and trying to get straight,with no idea what I needed.I wound up 30 pounds underweight,malnourished and delusional.My family came to my rescue and I landed in a crisis ward....a psych unit.It wasn't the kind of place where you go because you're doing such a bang up job of managing your life.
From there I got all kinds of help.They had food and clean sheets and occupational therapy.But they didn't know how to fix me and I didn't know how to tell them what was wrong.I was lost in the fog.It seemed like pure luck when I met a drug and alcohol counselor from the rehab across the street.But people like I was then don't have much good luck.I kinda think God was answering a prayer.The rehab people took me under their wing and I got some outpatient treatment.Best of all...they took me to meetings.And that's where it clicked for me.
I found out that I was powerless over alcohol and a lot of other things and that my life had become unmanageable.And I was such a total wreck,that I thought that was the good news
I was right.The even better news was that I wasn't alone and that there is a solution.
phoenix
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 5
!!!
I'm new here too; hey Stephanie, I did what you said about looking in the other forums to learn more about how I can work a program. Here I am! I don't really have much to say about the first step either. I really identify with Doug in that I too planned my day around my drinking. I had become afraid to leave the house. If I absolutely had to leave, for work or whatever reason, it had to be under the influence. To this day I can't believe I never got caught driving drunk. I did it absolutely every day. Its funny, too; seems like God was saving all my traffic tickets for right after I got sober. I received two speeding tickets within my first month of sobriety after like five years of nothing at all!! Anyways, i'm in school because now I want to be sure that the stuff I say about things isn't coming completely out of my ass. I ended up in the hospital last semester surrounded by nurses and a really nice resident who looked at me all confused and repeatedly asked me why I insisted on destroying myself. That wasn't really what I was trying to do, so I kinda figured out I had a problem.
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Austin TX
Posts: 55
Love This Step Study...Excellent
This is a bit lengthy for anyone who reads it, but also very meaty.
Step one exists in two parts for me, and always has...I tend towards analysis, don't ya know :-)
Part one of Step 1:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol...
...came 100% around day 30.
Admitting powerlessness over alcohol was difficult for me, as I didn't really know what an alcoholic was. Looking back, I see today I had some misconceptions / mental blocks that had to be overcome for me to see the truth about my condition.
The first blcok in my mind was about mental control. I honestly believed alcoholism was a problem of mental control.
My sponsor at the time gave me a reading assignment in the Doctor's opinion, and then we discussed it in the light of my experience.
From the Doctor's Opinion, 4th Edition, Book of AA:
Drop one mental block. Whether I liked it or not, once I took a drink, I changed, and just kept right on drinking, coming to, baffled by what had happened. I could not deny the facts of my experience.
I also couldn't deny the fact that this didn't happen with my normal drinking circle at all. I really was different than them when it came to drinking alcohol.
Mental block number two was about time. I had not been drinking continuously, except for the past year prior to coming to AA. To be an alcoholic, I had to have drunk continuously for multiple years, right?
Well...my sponsor gave me yet another reading assignment, and we discussed it in the light of my experience.
Mostly From Chapter 2, There is a Solution
I coudln't deny the facts of my experience here either. EVERY time I drank, whether a day had passed or several months, or even years, had passed, I ALWAYS was insanely drunk. AND I always lost control of my consumption...ALWAYS. Never just one or two, always twelve or more.
I also drank at just the wrong moments, whether it be prior to a final, prior to having to report back to base in the army the next day with a 5 hour drive ahead of me to get there, or prior to a very important interview. I had done all of those things, and had always been baffled as to why I had done so.
In short, length of time drinking doesn't matter. Drop mental block number two. And after this, I could now say that yup...I am an alcoholic.
Mental block number three had to do with being able to drink normally again one day if I just stayed dry for a period of time.
Once more, my sponsor gave me a reading assignment, which we discussed in light of my experience.
From the Book of AA, Chapter 3, More About Alcoholism:
My sponsor at the time really drove this point home. He sort of gave me an ultimatum here where in he suggested that if I still wasn't convinved, that if I was holding on to the idea of drinking one day normally, I should go out and try the drinking experiment outlined on pp31-32. He then gave me my final reading assignment, and sent me home to give it some consideration.
After reading about the experiment, I knew I had already done that prior to coming into AA...a very strange coincidence, eh??? ...and had failed miserably. I then read this:
Once again, I could not deny the truth of my experience. I had already been in these blank spots before, and it scared me terribly that I could go there again, and wouldn't even know it. It further scared me to know that no amount of attendance at AA meetings, nor any amount of reading would protect me in those blank spots either. I had to have something higher than me, something spiritual. See the set up here for Step 2? My sponsor really handled me well through all of those first 30 days.
That drove the first part of step one home for me, and I haven't turned back since. No more doubts or lingering ideas of drinking again.
I'll cover part two, about unmanagabilty in a different note a bit later, as this one is pretty lengthy as it is.
Hope this helps someone, and blessings.
Step one exists in two parts for me, and always has...I tend towards analysis, don't ya know :-)
Part one of Step 1:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol...
...came 100% around day 30.
Admitting powerlessness over alcohol was difficult for me, as I didn't really know what an alcoholic was. Looking back, I see today I had some misconceptions / mental blocks that had to be overcome for me to see the truth about my condition.
The first blcok in my mind was about mental control. I honestly believed alcoholism was a problem of mental control.
My sponsor at the time gave me a reading assignment in the Doctor's opinion, and then we discussed it in the light of my experience.
From the Doctor's Opinion, 4th Edition, Book of AA:
xxx: I do not hold with those who believe that alcoholism is entirely a problem of mental control. I have had many men who had...worked a period of months on some ...business deal which was to be settled on a certain date, favorably to them. They took a drink a day or so prior to the date, and then the phenomenon of craving at once became paramount to all other interests...These men were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control.
xxix: After they have succumbed (refering to a drink here)...and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over...
xxviii: We believe...that the action of alcohol on...alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving if limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker
xxix: After they have succumbed (refering to a drink here)...and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over...
xxviii: We believe...that the action of alcohol on...alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving if limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker
I also couldn't deny the fact that this didn't happen with my normal drinking circle at all. I really was different than them when it came to drinking alcohol.
Mental block number two was about time. I had not been drinking continuously, except for the past year prior to coming to AA. To be an alcoholic, I had to have drunk continuously for multiple years, right?
Well...my sponsor gave me yet another reading assignment, and we discussed it in the light of my experience.
Mostly From Chapter 2, There is a Solution
pg 30, Chpt 3: To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor take the quantities some of us have.
pg 21: But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career, he begins to loose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink
pg 21: He is seldom mildly intoxicated. He is always more or less insanely drunk.
pg 21: He has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision must be made or engagement kept.
pg 21: But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career, he begins to loose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink
pg 21: He is seldom mildly intoxicated. He is always more or less insanely drunk.
pg 21: He has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision must be made or engagement kept.
I also drank at just the wrong moments, whether it be prior to a final, prior to having to report back to base in the army the next day with a 5 hour drive ahead of me to get there, or prior to a very important interview. I had done all of those things, and had always been baffled as to why I had done so.
In short, length of time drinking doesn't matter. Drop mental block number two. And after this, I could now say that yup...I am an alcoholic.
Mental block number three had to do with being able to drink normally again one day if I just stayed dry for a period of time.
Once more, my sponsor gave me a reading assignment, which we discussed in light of my experience.
From the Book of AA, Chapter 3, More About Alcoholism:
Pg 30: The idea that somehow, someday he will regain control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.
pg30: We learned that we had to filly concede to our inner most selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
pg32: If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol
pg30: We learned that we had to filly concede to our inner most selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
pg32: If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol
After reading about the experiment, I knew I had already done that prior to coming into AA...a very strange coincidence, eh??? ...and had failed miserably. I then read this:
pg39: But the actual alcoholic or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is the point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience.
pg42: Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink.
pg42: Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink.
That drove the first part of step one home for me, and I haven't turned back since. No more doubts or lingering ideas of drinking again.
I'll cover part two, about unmanagabilty in a different note a bit later, as this one is pretty lengthy as it is.
Hope this helps someone, and blessings.
Last edited by SobrietyFirst; 05-26-2003 at 08:34 PM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Hi Otbax,
I am so glad you joined the discussion and I really liked what you had to share. In fact it was a very good example of the first step. You described your powerlessness quite a few times especially in that last sentence where you said the doctor wondered why you were purposely destroying your life when that had not been your intention...that's powerlessness.
Once I start, I can't stop even though I am well aware of the fact that it may kill me.
I loved Sobriety First posts because I identified with the insanity of the alcoholic mind. I never wanted to totally give in to the fact that I was an alcoholic. So over and over I kept doing the same thing expecting different results and I kept getting more of the same. In fact it was getting worse and worse. I am very stubborn so the worse it got the harder I would fight until I was beat.
The unmanageability of not wanting to leave the house unless you were drunk and driving while under the influence. I started realizing it was getting bad when my choices were taken away from me. I did not want to go to work high and I didn't want to drive drunk but I couldn't function if I didn't drink so I had no choice. The alcohol was controlling me now and making my choices for me. I had lost the one basic human right I have, the right to make a decision. Yet I kept fighting.............
I am so glad you joined the discussion and I really liked what you had to share. In fact it was a very good example of the first step. You described your powerlessness quite a few times especially in that last sentence where you said the doctor wondered why you were purposely destroying your life when that had not been your intention...that's powerlessness.
Once I start, I can't stop even though I am well aware of the fact that it may kill me.
I loved Sobriety First posts because I identified with the insanity of the alcoholic mind. I never wanted to totally give in to the fact that I was an alcoholic. So over and over I kept doing the same thing expecting different results and I kept getting more of the same. In fact it was getting worse and worse. I am very stubborn so the worse it got the harder I would fight until I was beat.
The unmanageability of not wanting to leave the house unless you were drunk and driving while under the influence. I started realizing it was getting bad when my choices were taken away from me. I did not want to go to work high and I didn't want to drive drunk but I couldn't function if I didn't drink so I had no choice. The alcohol was controlling me now and making my choices for me. I had lost the one basic human right I have, the right to make a decision. Yet I kept fighting.............
we're all mad here!
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,681
Step 1 We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives have become unmanageable
That is pretty much powerless. I had given everything over to Demon Alcohol. My time, my money, my life.
our lives have become unmanageable
So step 1 was easy for me. Wait till we reach step 3 however.
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Austin TX
Posts: 55
Part 2...Blessings Mootie
Too Bad there's not a sound icon I could use here. I have been sooooooo amused and tickled at reading some of these posts that I can't hardly sit down
I'm tickled, not by the content, but by the simplicty of it all. In all of my long winded posts, detailed analysis, and explanations, unmanageability is so simple...far to simple for a complicated guy such as myself:-) ...but I do love to write about it...he he he.
Thanks Mootie...and great to see you reaching out to others on the board. I LOVE your posts...so heartfelt and sincere.
...That our lives had become unmanageable.
As I mentioned in a previous post, unmanageability has been an ongoing process that continues to this day. I'd like to say that I didn't get it because my sponsor at the time didn't focus on it, but that would be a lie. The truth is I didn't understand unmanageability and what it meant.
I had an awareness yesterday, wherein I realized that the people in the meetings I attend had been telling me all along what unmanageability is. So have you, BTW...and it is far more simple than I thought it ever could be. Ready?
My life revolved around drinking...getting money to drink, finding people to drink with, arranging my bills and schedule to drink, ignoring responsibilities so that I could drink, ignoring eating so that I could drink...That's Unmanageability!
And yet, even knowing that, and just how simple that is...REALLY simple BTW...I see a bit more in my experience that with your kind indulgence, I'll share in the next 1000 words...he he he.
That jumped out at me like never before yesterday. I now see that though the drink itself was what I arranged everything to be able to get, it was the effect I was really after, and it was controlling the effect, reproducing the effect, maintaining the effect, and possessively holding onto the effect...no matter the consequences...THAT was what drove me.
Before taking that first drink at 13ish, I felt like I didn't belong, like I was always standing on the outside of the rest of world looking in. I felt different than everyone else and that I just didn't fit in, no matter what.
The effect produced by that first drink took that all away. I suddenly felt right with the rest of the world. I felt like I fit in, like I really belonged for the first time in my life. I was laughing, speaking really bad poetry...I was no longer the kid who sat in the corner staring at the brick wall.
When I didn't drink, that old feeling persisted. When I did drink, it went away, being replaced with this sense of belonging and ease, and I was desperate deep down inside to have that feeling, to keep it permanently.
[QUOTE]From the Book of AA, pg 45:
Lack of power, that was our dilema.[QUOTE]
AAAAHHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!
Sorry boys and girls, but I am out of time for now. A friend of mine is going to prison tomorrow, I just found out, and I have to get going today...I'll edit this to complete it later.
Blessings to you all, and pray for my friend please, for his peace of mind and sanity.
I'm tickled, not by the content, but by the simplicty of it all. In all of my long winded posts, detailed analysis, and explanations, unmanageability is so simple...far to simple for a complicated guy such as myself:-) ...but I do love to write about it...he he he.
Thanks Mootie...and great to see you reaching out to others on the board. I LOVE your posts...so heartfelt and sincere.
...That our lives had become unmanageable.
As I mentioned in a previous post, unmanageability has been an ongoing process that continues to this day. I'd like to say that I didn't get it because my sponsor at the time didn't focus on it, but that would be a lie. The truth is I didn't understand unmanageability and what it meant.
I had an awareness yesterday, wherein I realized that the people in the meetings I attend had been telling me all along what unmanageability is. So have you, BTW...and it is far more simple than I thought it ever could be. Ready?
My life revolved around drinking...getting money to drink, finding people to drink with, arranging my bills and schedule to drink, ignoring responsibilities so that I could drink, ignoring eating so that I could drink...That's Unmanageability!
And yet, even knowing that, and just how simple that is...REALLY simple BTW...I see a bit more in my experience that with your kind indulgence, I'll share in the next 1000 words...he he he.
From the Book of AA, Dr.'s Opinion, xxvii:
Men and women drink essentially because they like the effectproduced by alcohol
Men and women drink essentially because they like the effectproduced by alcohol
Before taking that first drink at 13ish, I felt like I didn't belong, like I was always standing on the outside of the rest of world looking in. I felt different than everyone else and that I just didn't fit in, no matter what.
The effect produced by that first drink took that all away. I suddenly felt right with the rest of the world. I felt like I fit in, like I really belonged for the first time in my life. I was laughing, speaking really bad poetry...I was no longer the kid who sat in the corner staring at the brick wall.
When I didn't drink, that old feeling persisted. When I did drink, it went away, being replaced with this sense of belonging and ease, and I was desperate deep down inside to have that feeling, to keep it permanently.
[QUOTE]From the Book of AA, pg 45:
Lack of power, that was our dilema.[QUOTE]
AAAAHHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!
Sorry boys and girls, but I am out of time for now. A friend of mine is going to prison tomorrow, I just found out, and I have to get going today...I'll edit this to complete it later.
Blessings to you all, and pray for my friend please, for his peace of mind and sanity.
we're all mad here!
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,681
A friend of mine is going to prison tomorrow, I just found out
pray for my friend please, for his peace of mind and sanity.
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Austin TX
Posts: 55
Here it is again, complete in it's entirity
...That our lives had become unmanageable.
As I mentioned in a previous post, unmanageability has been an ongoing process that continues to this day. I'd like to say that I didn't get it because my sponsor at the time didn't focus on it, but that would be a lie. The truth is I didn't understand unmanageability and what it meant.
I had an awareness yesterday, wherein I realized that the people in the meetings I attend had been telling me all along what unmanageability is. So have you, BTW...and it is far more simple than I thought it ever could be. Ready?
My life revolved around drinking...getting money to drink, finding people to drink with, arranging my bills and schedule to drink, ignoring responsibilities so that I could drink, ignoring eating so that I could drink...That's Unmanageability!
And yet, even knowing that, and just how simple that is...REALLY simple BTW...I see a bit more in my experience that with your kind indulgence, I'll share in the next 1000 words...he he he.
That jumped out at me like never before yesterday. I now see that though the drink itself was what I arranged everything to be able to get, it was the effect I was really after, and it was controlling the effect, reproducing the effect, maintaining the effect, and possessively holding onto the effect...no matter the consequences...THAT was what drove me.
Before taking that first drink at 13ish, I felt like I didn't belong, like I was always standing on the outside of the rest of world looking in. I felt different than everyone else and that I just didn't fit in, no matter what.
The effect produced by that first drink took that all away. I suddenly felt right with the rest of the world. I felt like I fit in, like I really belonged for the first time in my life. I was laughing, speaking really bad poetry...I was no longer the kid who sat in the corner staring at the brick wall.
So...what about the Side Effects??? Well, when not drinking, not only did those feelings of being on the outside persist, but I added to the pile even worse feelings of being on the outside as I was hungover, shaky, and depressed even more. So I drank to get rid of those as well as to regain that sense of ease. All the while, I am getting further and further away from the sunlight of the spirit, cuz I am pissed about not being able to control it (re-create the effect while managing the side effects) despite my increasingly frantic efforts, terrified out of my gord at the failure of my efforts and the increasing desperation, full of shame at the peice of crap human being I am becoming...what a life, Ehh?
As time went by, and I sought more of the original effect, the side effects got worse and worse, and the drinking got heavier and heavier...all the while with little old me trying to control and recreate the effects, while trying to control and manage the side effects. What's the result? FAILURE!!!!
AAAAHHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!
So THAT's the essence of unmanageability. When I try to control something I absolutely cannot control, then I am trying to manage something I cannot manage.
Trying to managing something I cannot manage, trying to control something I cannot control, is without question an act of powerlessness, as it is futile from the get go. WOW!!!! Never saw that coming!!!
That is as true with the effect alcohol produces in my mind and body as it is with the emotions I feel in my heart, the thoughts that race through my head, the people that walk around me daily, AND the events that occur in and around my life when I am simply standing still and breathing.
Thank God for the program of AA. It doesn't tell me I am powerless as a being...rather, that I am powerless over the things I cannot control. It also tells me that in the end, I really cannot control anything at all. Yikes...need... higher... power... now!!!
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
And now, this is a single step for me, and no truer words were spoken about me.
Thanks for all of your perspectives. Soooo helpful as always.
Blessings.
As I mentioned in a previous post, unmanageability has been an ongoing process that continues to this day. I'd like to say that I didn't get it because my sponsor at the time didn't focus on it, but that would be a lie. The truth is I didn't understand unmanageability and what it meant.
I had an awareness yesterday, wherein I realized that the people in the meetings I attend had been telling me all along what unmanageability is. So have you, BTW...and it is far more simple than I thought it ever could be. Ready?
My life revolved around drinking...getting money to drink, finding people to drink with, arranging my bills and schedule to drink, ignoring responsibilities so that I could drink, ignoring eating so that I could drink...That's Unmanageability!
And yet, even knowing that, and just how simple that is...REALLY simple BTW...I see a bit more in my experience that with your kind indulgence, I'll share in the next 1000 words...he he he.
From the Book of AA, Dr.'s Opinion, xxvii:
Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurous, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.
Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurous, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.
Before taking that first drink at 13ish, I felt like I didn't belong, like I was always standing on the outside of the rest of world looking in. I felt different than everyone else and that I just didn't fit in, no matter what.
The effect produced by that first drink took that all away. I suddenly felt right with the rest of the world. I felt like I fit in, like I really belonged for the first time in my life. I was laughing, speaking really bad poetry...I was no longer the kid who sat in the corner staring at the brick wall.
So...what about the Side Effects??? Well, when not drinking, not only did those feelings of being on the outside persist, but I added to the pile even worse feelings of being on the outside as I was hungover, shaky, and depressed even more. So I drank to get rid of those as well as to regain that sense of ease. All the while, I am getting further and further away from the sunlight of the spirit, cuz I am pissed about not being able to control it (re-create the effect while managing the side effects) despite my increasingly frantic efforts, terrified out of my gord at the failure of my efforts and the increasing desperation, full of shame at the peice of crap human being I am becoming...what a life, Ehh?
As time went by, and I sought more of the original effect, the side effects got worse and worse, and the drinking got heavier and heavier...all the while with little old me trying to control and recreate the effects, while trying to control and manage the side effects. What's the result? FAILURE!!!!
From the Book of AA, pg 45:
Lack of power, that was our dilema.
Lack of power, that was our dilema.
So THAT's the essence of unmanageability. When I try to control something I absolutely cannot control, then I am trying to manage something I cannot manage.
Trying to managing something I cannot manage, trying to control something I cannot control, is without question an act of powerlessness, as it is futile from the get go. WOW!!!! Never saw that coming!!!
That is as true with the effect alcohol produces in my mind and body as it is with the emotions I feel in my heart, the thoughts that race through my head, the people that walk around me daily, AND the events that occur in and around my life when I am simply standing still and breathing.
Thank God for the program of AA. It doesn't tell me I am powerless as a being...rather, that I am powerless over the things I cannot control. It also tells me that in the end, I really cannot control anything at all. Yikes...need... higher... power... now!!!
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
And now, this is a single step for me, and no truer words were spoken about me.
Thanks for all of your perspectives. Soooo helpful as always.
Blessings.
Subtle yet overstated....
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: So Chi Hts, IL
Posts: 46
My two cents...
Wow, lot's of good stuff here. Admitting I was powerless over alcohol was easy. I had even admitted to being an alcoholic as a justification for my behavior for the last few years of drinking. Why do I drink? Because that's what I do, I'm an alcoholic. Now either get me another one or leave me alone! The shame that went with the lack of control got unbearable. Eventually it was enough for me to call a former drinking buddy of mine and ask him how this AA thing worked. I got to my first meeting and it's been one hell of a ride ever since! .
After the admission that I was powerless (which was a no brainer even for a control freak like me!) that unmanagabilty part was a little tougher. As I have said before, I wasn't filing for divorce or bankruptcy, didn't lose my house, no DUI's, etc. I went to work every day, sort of paid my bills. Life was manageable, or so I thought. In actuallity, almost everything was unmanageable. My relationship with my wife was virtually non existent unless she wanted to go to the bar with me. There was food in the house if you count year old saltines, mustard packets, and a few leftover containers in the fridge food for a family of three. I drove a drunk mobile. You know, the car with 160,000 miles, two tone paint job (rust and green), have to start stopping 200 yards before the stop light if travelling any faster than 15 mph. The house was in disrepair, a kitchen remodeling project half done, unfinished drywall in the bathroom. Gutter grass and trees, backyard that would make the Clampetts proud.
I could go on but I'll spare you. It wasn't so much those physical manifestations of the unmanageability as much as it was the mental/spiritual side. I didn't care about anything or anybody least of all myself. I dressed slovenly, didn't keep my hair neat, didn't take care of my body, etc. All because alcohol, instead of filling that hole inside me, was actually making it bigger.
Every morning I woke up and said, "I'm not going to drink today" and every afternoon about 4:00 I said, "F^ck it, I'll have a couple" then it was off to the races. It started scaring me when I literally could not not stop at the liquor store after work. I tried different routes home, getting a ride with somebody, etc. all to no avail. That is definitley a hopeless feeling.
Powerless? Absolutely Unmanagable? You better believe it! Alone? Hopeless? Helpless? Ready to throw in the towel?
Not any more, thank God for this program and his strength. I couldn't have done it alone, tried that 5 or 6 times, didn't work.
Man, I'm rambling here, so I'll just keep quiet now.
. After the admission that I was powerless (which was a no brainer even for a control freak like me!) that unmanagabilty part was a little tougher. As I have said before, I wasn't filing for divorce or bankruptcy, didn't lose my house, no DUI's, etc. I went to work every day, sort of paid my bills. Life was manageable, or so I thought. In actuallity, almost everything was unmanageable. My relationship with my wife was virtually non existent unless she wanted to go to the bar with me. There was food in the house if you count year old saltines, mustard packets, and a few leftover containers in the fridge food for a family of three. I drove a drunk mobile. You know, the car with 160,000 miles, two tone paint job (rust and green), have to start stopping 200 yards before the stop light if travelling any faster than 15 mph. The house was in disrepair, a kitchen remodeling project half done, unfinished drywall in the bathroom. Gutter grass and trees, backyard that would make the Clampetts proud.
I could go on but I'll spare you. It wasn't so much those physical manifestations of the unmanageability as much as it was the mental/spiritual side. I didn't care about anything or anybody least of all myself. I dressed slovenly, didn't keep my hair neat, didn't take care of my body, etc. All because alcohol, instead of filling that hole inside me, was actually making it bigger.
Every morning I woke up and said, "I'm not going to drink today" and every afternoon about 4:00 I said, "F^ck it, I'll have a couple" then it was off to the races. It started scaring me when I literally could not not stop at the liquor store after work. I tried different routes home, getting a ride with somebody, etc. all to no avail. That is definitley a hopeless feeling.
Powerless? Absolutely Unmanagable? You better believe it! Alone? Hopeless? Helpless? Ready to throw in the towel?
Not any more, thank God for this program and his strength. I couldn't have done it alone, tried that 5 or 6 times, didn't work.
Man, I'm rambling here, so I'll just keep quiet now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
My God, this is going so well...I am so pleased and thank-you to everyone who is participating. Imagine how great this will be for the newcomer!!!!! When someone asks about the first step all we have to do is pull up this thread
I actually have comments relating to what you guys have said. I will be back later to continue. It's so funny how alike we all are just because we're alcoholic even though we are from all walks of life. It's really amazing.
Hey, SF.....this could be the forward to your first book
LOL
and Tim, you were not rambling, it ws great
NEXT............
I actually have comments relating to what you guys have said. I will be back later to continue. It's so funny how alike we all are just because we're alcoholic even though we are from all walks of life. It's really amazing.
Hey, SF.....this could be the forward to your first book
LOLand Tim, you were not rambling, it ws great
NEXT............
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