Doug

When I did a written step one with a sponser, he had me make a list of 5 examples of un-managability while drunk, and 5 examples when not drunk.

In my case there was not any real difference between the two.

Tim O said: "Why do I drink? Cause thats what I do, I'm an alcoholic"

I can't count the number of times I've said the exact same thing at a meeting.

It was what I did. It was who I thought I was. It was a part of me, part of my life. It was normal!!!? Or so I thought..

I don't think I was the last one to know I was an alcoholic, but I sure was the last one to admit it to myself.

D-

Stephanie

I copied this quote from the bottom of Sobriety Firsts post:

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Thank God for the program of AA. It doesn't tell me I am powerless as a being...rather, that I am powerless over the things I cannot control. It also tells me that in the end, I really cannot control anything at all. Yikes...need... higher... power... now!!!
**************************
What applies here very well, is the serenity prayer, which was a huge part of my program when I was working the first step. We can control some things. The freedom is in knowing the difference, and that is what we pray for....knowledge.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

A very powerful little prayer that puts so much into perspective. There are things we can change, we can change ourselves. We can change our perspective to a more positive and accepting one. We can change our reaction to other people, and we can change our attitude. We have control over whether we go to a meeting or not but we don't have control over what happens in that meeting or what happens on the way there. The wisdom to know the difference is the key.

For so long I could not change my physical reaction to alcohol. I tried so hard. More pot, drink after 6p, drink every other day, make sure to have cocaine so I don't pass out. The list goes on
and on. I spent so much energy on trying to control my alcoholism and that is what I have accepted that I am powerless over today. I can change my schedule to make a meeting when I need to, i cannot change my husband...god knows I've tried, but I can try to control my reaction to him (yeah sure LOL) Sorry, it's just a work in progress (ok I digress)

If we tried controlling something for so long it's very hard to give up doing that even though we have admitted powerlessness. That's why many yrs. later I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I can't control people. Therefore I pray for the wisdom. I get wisdom from things like this, from my sponsor, meetings, reading literature. But I am still a stubborn alcoholic, so most times I learn by living and making mistakes and learning from those mistakes. Sometimes I learn that a step is applied to my mistake and I even get some directions on how to feel better about it. There are many tools in the program of AA. I keep the serenity prayer very close.

When I first came in I didn't know how to pray so every night I just said the serenity prayer. it's a powerful thing.

otbatx

I totally know how that is; if you hung out with the types of people I'd surrounded myself with, hell; you're an alcoholic?- more power to you! I had no problem admitting my problem. It was taking the initiative to actually stop drinking- that was hard. I still don't know why or how I did it. I just pray to god I can keep it up.

t2003

Hi my name is Tracey i've been on the boards for awhile but still having some struggles but i'm sure i know this step.

Powerless: Over the last many years i can't count how many times i tried to not drink but it never happens.I guess this makes me "powerless"

Unmanageable: I never really thought of my life as umanageable until the last few months when i honestly sat down and looked at it.I do have a job and work steadily but i have steal money from my work to feed my addictions and i'm still thousands of dollars in debt from my use as well.How i will ever pay all of this i don't know.I have no relationships because i have islolated myself from everyone so using without them knowing is easier. I have lied to my family and friends constantly, for many years.

Hope this is the right idea. Tracey

dharmabum

I guess it's true...we are always at the beginning. First visit and first step.
Suffering, it seem, is price of admission to many wisdom traditions - and AA is no exception. Admitting powerlessness was, for me, initially an ego-busting surrender that came by degrees largely due to my radical unwillingness to admit I could not, through an conscious and intentional act of my own will beat the dragon. It wasn't long after I admitted and was admitted that I learned that "victory" and "surrender" were concepts that were killing me as surely as my dis-ease.
Admitting that I was powerless to play the role of God freed me from the expectation that the world must conform to my egocentric beliefs and opinions. "Living life on life's" became increasingly possible.
Step One uses a past tense in describing our predicament: "...our lives had become unmanageable," implying that is was not always the case. Bill's use of the verb become was significant to me. As recovery has proven time and again in my life, "becoming" is an ongoing process of personal evolution and discovery. To be born a human is to accept that our job is "becoming." We are not a product or simply a collection our pains, relationships, work and beliefs. We became these things.
The Steps free us to continue "becoming". What will we do with this new freedom? How can we "become" anything when we've admitted that we're powerless over not only our disease but our own lives? What, if anything, should we become? The remaining 11 Steps help us see the plan of becoming that will work for us.


thanks for the topic and allowing me to babble on....

tigergirl

It's such a paradox which is so simple,-to give in to an inevitability that we all are powerless over our lives. So we have to give in and let go.

I have always felt powerless,then I thought that the drinking would alleviate these uncomfortably painful emotions.I started at 14 and was drunk , totally.
I thought that at least I could have power over my drinking-what I mean was "I can get get drunk every night.YAY!"Then I found I couldn't stop;then the unmanageability set in.Lost my husband and my job.

Every day, I manage to fit in a calm moment, a prayer and speak to a higher power.That I remember that I am an alcoholic and that in this surrendering to powerlessness lies my hope.

Thanks for this subject,it's so great!!

Tiger

Pony

This is a really great thread. I'm very glad I took the time today to read through all the posts, they have really touched me.

My sobriety came and went through the years from teens to up to seven yrs. ago. I pretty much would stop drinking when I realized that my life was out of control because of my drinking and party attitude. But the last time was because a friend got through to me that I was hurting my kids by my behavior and life style so once again I stopped. What is so different this time is that I discovered the twelve steps and people that are very supportive and understand what it's like to have those feelings inside.......first it was others at anon meetings (which is where I really got involved with the steps) and now here at SR. My continued sobriety is in part a result of being here and learning to work these steps in everyday life as it comes along. Sometimes I find myself going back to step one and reminding myself of being powerless over _____ whatever it is that I'm trying so hard to control, whether it be drinking or people or situations, and knowing that I have to turn it over to God.....also realizing that life's unmangability (for me at least) comes when I don't turn things over to God and try to control them and then get so overwhelmed that all I want to do is escape and not feel anything. Does that make sense?? Well I guess for me that was one of my biggest reasons for drinking.

I still have lots of work to do on myself, but being here and sharing with all of you helps. Also learning how to work through all these things with the steps......and learning how the steps work....... gives me lots of hope for my future that I will no longer feel the need to escape by using. I mean people need an escape once in a while, but they are healthier ways.....like a good vacation or a project.

Thanks

Pony

Stephanie

It all comes down to this step, doesn't it?? With everything in my life, be it an argument with my spouse, a justification of doing something irresponsible, or even just trying to get away with something, I fight and hold on until that ultimate admission of powerlessness. Really it is such a relief so why do i fight it until the consequences become so painful that I have no choice if I want to live a happy fulfilling life.

I love what Dharmabum said about once you finally admit powerlessness, then living life on life's terms becomes increasingly possible. Just love that.

When I stop running the show and stop trying to conform the rest of the world to fit into the little box I designed, I begin to realize that there is freedom in not having all the answers. Simply by way of admission that I am powerless, something magical happens. There is a story in the new Big Book about one of the original drunks that joined Bill and Dr. Bob. He actually stayed with one of them because he traveled far to be there with him. However he could not stop drinking even though he was with them and was meeting with them. Then finally one day in desperation he gets on his knees and broke down that he can't stand it anymore and that he can't stop and he was hopeless. he explains so well the effects of his admission of powerlessness. I remember it bringing tears to my eyes as I read it. From that day on he had not picked up a drink, one day at a time.

Chy

Hi all,

I know I am powerless over alcohol and my life was becoming unmangeable, the only thing I could manage was getting drunk, planning my week around "hangover days" and that was pretty much it. No social life what so ever no friends to go shopping with or even to a bar with, I'd get bored while drinking and start doing that "drinking and dialing" old friends thing. I only had work to look forward to and dreaded that cuz I'd be hungover and have to teach Algebra 2 to 90 kids getting pissed off cause they wouldn't listen, or be receptive. I was NEVER happy anymore.

In thes last few weeks of sobriety and the fog clearing away I have made some awesome friends here and at meetings. Been working out at the gym as over 20 years of beer had it's toll on this body of mine. Reorganizing my house, gardening, walking the dog, building a puzzle from hell, playing cards with my son, shopping with mom, taking an interest in hubby's music again and wow.... the list continues.

So why after all these wonderful things that are happening to me am I so angry these last few days?

My sponser says it's because I no longer have the choice of alcohol in my life when everyone around me does. Why is this powerlessness making me feel so blue of late? I have been doing really well lately not even having cravings, whatsoever. It's these emotions which I know are normal that make things difficult.

One last thing, I truly felt I had accomplished steps one - three, before I found my sponser, she insists on starting over as I must journal she says and reflect /discuss it with her.

Is this par for the course?

SobrietyFirst

Due to recent events and having begun to work with someone new, I have begun to see a pattern I have lived for my entire life that I wanted to post here under the step study as it goes to the heart of unmanageability in my life left to my own devices.

Here's the pattern when I surrender a little, but not all the way:

1. I try something out
2. I keep an escape route handy, though I am not aware of it
3. I get to feeling better about myself and my life
4. I grow hopeful
5. I strike out professionally and personally on my resources
6. I pursue women / a woman enters the picture
7. Neither works out the way I want (their not perfect)
8. I don't get what I expect to (what?...not a clue)
9. I get really afraid, reduce myself in size, and try again
10. Same result...don't get what I want (what?...not a clue)
11. I get really resentful, reject it all, and isolate
12. I go out and find something else
13. Return to one above and repeat cycle all over again

I've done this enough times for it to sink in somewhere deep that it doesn't work, that the options are running out, but I keep doing it any way. When the options run out, then suicide starts to look like a really attractive option until it is the only option left, only that, too, is becoming a non-option. Here's why.

I once took an overdose that should've killed me, but it didn't even effect me at all. That's some power greater than me intervening.

This go around, no one would take me in, nor come running to my rescue. In fact, the doctor I saw yesterday wouldn't even prescribe me the mood stablizer and told me to stop taking the anti-depressant. That's not supposed to happen when you tell medical professionals you want to die!!! This is me still trying to run the show, to get something I want, only even in this "dire" situation, I failed to produce the result I wanted. I couldn't make myself crazy!!!

So, now what is my choice to be? Do I repeat this cycle all over again? Knowing where it will lead...to the bottle or to death...do I start the cycle again? Do I even have any control over whether I do or do not set this cycle in motion given the inner workings of my mind that I do not even know?

Suppose...despite my best intentions, I cannot help but set this cycle in motion, no matter what choice I make, relying on myself here? It's madness...and yet reluctance remains.

This is alcoholism, and what the Doctors tell me in the book, well respected Doctors at that (Carl Jung), is that only a complete psychic change will provide any recovery from this doomed pattern, and it is doomed.

Unmanageability...what is my choice to be, indeed.

Blessings

Bob

mahitabel

Boy, SF, do I recognize that merry-go-round. Fortunately for me I didn't have enough functioning brain cells to object when I got to AA. I was 6 or 7 months sober before I realized what was happening. My sponsor promised me the pain would stop or at least become bearable and she was right. I continue to work the steps 1-12. I never want to go back there ever again. I have come to believe that AA is the only thing standing between my history and my future. Thank HP for AA.

Stephanie

Chy,

I wanted to answer your question based on my experience with those exact same feelings. Early on in sobriety when I would feel bad, I was so confused. For the first time in my life, I was doing all the right things. What gives, right. Well, it took a while but I had to learn about life on lifes terms. Sometimes we feel angry or sad, just because. That's all, we're human and we have emotions. As addicts we try so hard to avoid emotions for so long, they become kind of foreign to us especially the bad ones. Living life on life's terms means sitting through the uncomfortable feeling and remembering that this too shall pass. It's ok to feel bad once and a while.

Also emotions and stuff are on such a rollercoaster when you're new anyway.

Sobriety First,

A very thought provoking post. I see myself so much in your post. I was always reaching for something outside myself to try to make me feel better. If it wasn't drugs and alcohol then it was men and shopping. It didn't matter what it was, it's intent was the same, to de-focus off me. Why? I don't know, because there was some pain I didn't want to deal with, perhaps....because I was uncomfortable with felling bad....yup, definitely. I had to feel good all the time. After I learned what I just posted to Chy above, I learned the most important thing I have learned in my sobriety.

It's an inside job. Nothing on the outside will fix me. I needed to look inward and work on me. Once I was able to do that all the things I always wanted on the outside just happened. I think I noticed it when I started showing up for other people, not to get something I wanted, but because i wanted to be there for them. I always felt like I should be soemwhere else instead of where i was. Once i became content with who I was inside, I was able to become present in the moment, content with where I was and comfortable in my own skin. That's all it's about......knowing peace and the feeling of serenity and contentment, just alone, with you and nothing else. The rest is just a bonus.

Chy

Thanks Steph!
Patience is a virtue they say, I have all the time in the world and I'll gladly experiance emotions that I've forgotten exist in sobriety.