Please Read: Posting Reminder
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Ann 
I felt a need to post something here about being respectful to other members and keeping in mind that many people posting here are newcomers or old timers in crisis and their emotions are raw.
When I was new to recovery, just finding the courage to go to a meeting and share was intimidating for me. I didn’t say a word for the first 3 meetings, just sat there and cried with a box of tissues. I remember those feelings each time a newcomer walks in the door and each time one of us is in crisis and needs to share.
Sometimes the poster just needs a shoulder, sometimes just someone to validate how they feel rather than challenge the situation that brought them to this feeling. And mostly they need you to share YOUR experience, strength and hope so that we can learn something useful and “see” recovery at work.
When choices are challenged by others (no matter how good or poor their choices may be) it makes a person feel defensive or like the world’s biggest loser and there isn’t an ounce of recovery to grab on to.
An example would be someone who discovered their spouse is an addict and things are not good at home (Imagine their pain, confusion and heartache). To simply reply “why do you stay with this loser?” or “Why don’t you just leave” doesn’t help anyone. In recovery we don’t “tell” anyone what to do, we share our own experience, strength and hope and, if asked, we gently and respectfully offer suggestions. Recovery is about treating people the way we like to be treated. Recovery is about giving freely what was so freely given to us.
That is not to say we walk on eggshells here, we can shoot straight goods without attacking the person or their decisions. Our differences are what makes this forum interesting and helpful to so many people, because there is always someone who can relate to us. I embrace our diversity as something valuable that brings all kinds of recovery to the site. But when I feel my adrenaline pumping over a post I am reading, I find it good to just sit on my hands until I can calmly and respectfully say what is in my heart.
We come here from all corners of the world and our customs and practices vary significantly sometimes. How we speak may come across as harsh to someone who can’t see our faces or know us well enough to understand our personalities.
I love all you members here, the mamas, the spouses, the partners, the siblings and all who love an addict. I have stayed here and continued to grow for over 7 years because of YOU and all you have shared with me and the support you have given me, and for that I am grateful.
As a moderator here, I am proud of the people on this forum, because you all are the most supportive, kindest, funniest, and dearest people I have met here at SR. Something my dear friend Hangin’ In has said often is a good reminder for all of us, including me…she says “Say what you mean and mean what you say, just don’t say it mean.”
Hugs to each one of you
When I was new to recovery, just finding the courage to go to a meeting and share was intimidating for me. I didn’t say a word for the first 3 meetings, just sat there and cried with a box of tissues. I remember those feelings each time a newcomer walks in the door and each time one of us is in crisis and needs to share.
Sometimes the poster just needs a shoulder, sometimes just someone to validate how they feel rather than challenge the situation that brought them to this feeling. And mostly they need you to share YOUR experience, strength and hope so that we can learn something useful and “see” recovery at work.
When choices are challenged by others (no matter how good or poor their choices may be) it makes a person feel defensive or like the world’s biggest loser and there isn’t an ounce of recovery to grab on to.
An example would be someone who discovered their spouse is an addict and things are not good at home (Imagine their pain, confusion and heartache). To simply reply “why do you stay with this loser?” or “Why don’t you just leave” doesn’t help anyone. In recovery we don’t “tell” anyone what to do, we share our own experience, strength and hope and, if asked, we gently and respectfully offer suggestions. Recovery is about treating people the way we like to be treated. Recovery is about giving freely what was so freely given to us.
That is not to say we walk on eggshells here, we can shoot straight goods without attacking the person or their decisions. Our differences are what makes this forum interesting and helpful to so many people, because there is always someone who can relate to us. I embrace our diversity as something valuable that brings all kinds of recovery to the site. But when I feel my adrenaline pumping over a post I am reading, I find it good to just sit on my hands until I can calmly and respectfully say what is in my heart.
We come here from all corners of the world and our customs and practices vary significantly sometimes. How we speak may come across as harsh to someone who can’t see our faces or know us well enough to understand our personalities.
I love all you members here, the mamas, the spouses, the partners, the siblings and all who love an addict. I have stayed here and continued to grow for over 7 years because of YOU and all you have shared with me and the support you have given me, and for that I am grateful.
As a moderator here, I am proud of the people on this forum, because you all are the most supportive, kindest, funniest, and dearest people I have met here at SR. Something my dear friend Hangin’ In has said often is a good reminder for all of us, including me…she says “Say what you mean and mean what you say, just don’t say it mean.”
Hugs to each one of you
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 35
But when I feel my adrenaline pumping over a post I am reading, I find it good to just sit on my hands until I can calmly and respectfully say what is in my heart.
My dad has some good advice in a similar vein: Never send an angry email.
Thanks for the reminder.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: australia
Posts: 26
Wow!I had stopped posting because of this very reason!!!I thought I would get a bit more understanding on this forum but I got a lot of 'harsh' replies which put me off, I tended to get those kind of replies from family and friends that didn't know what I was experiencing and was really disheartened by some of the replies I got here,that being said I also recieved some AWESOME replies!!
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Reading though here, it warms my heart to see that some who have backed off from posting, may give it another try, and also offer support to the next codie who walks in the door.
I know that my posts are not always as gentle as they could be, sometimes because I am careless and sometimes because I know the member well enough to just shoot spades. But this is a good reminder for me too, that we are all here because we have walked to hell and back again and need to be among friends who understand, who hold us up when we cannot walk anymore, and who share their light until we can find ours again.
I love each one of you wonderful people, and am grateful that we found each other and have become "family". We may be dysfunctional but we sure know how to make a sorry heart laugh again, as we learn to accept ourselves and our circumstances and prepare to make our lives better.
I know that my posts are not always as gentle as they could be, sometimes because I am careless and sometimes because I know the member well enough to just shoot spades. But this is a good reminder for me too, that we are all here because we have walked to hell and back again and need to be among friends who understand, who hold us up when we cannot walk anymore, and who share their light until we can find ours again.
I love each one of you wonderful people, and am grateful that we found each other and have become "family". We may be dysfunctional but we sure know how to make a sorry heart laugh again, as we learn to accept ourselves and our circumstances and prepare to make our lives better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 26
I have to admit, I have been reading this forum for almost a year, a while ago I signed up but I still have a hard time getting myself to post for that very reason.
But I also know a lot of that probably has to do with my own insecurities.
Reading stuff can also be very very helpful though, I read so many threads/posts that are helpful to me, without me having to post myself.
But I also know a lot of that probably has to do with my own insecurities.
Reading stuff can also be very very helpful though, I read so many threads/posts that are helpful to me, without me having to post myself.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I don't know how to be helpful and supportive towards someone who is allowing their children to live in a harmful environment. Maybe the best response is no response? Or is that condoning it?
In situations where I do not have experience to share but I want to show support, a simple hug and a reminder that I care and I am keeping that person in my thoughts and prayers sometimes might make a difference.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 18
Thank you so much
For posting this. I have been a long-time 'lurker' on this site and one other addiction website. I have a story not unlike most of yours and maybe one day I'll tell it, but for now I have to say that I have learned so much from all of you - thank you. It provided me with a place to come in order to clear my mind and to realize that I was not crazy...I was just living the life of a person addicted to an addict, with all the crazy things that go along with that choice.
I became reluctant a long time ago to post anything of consequence, primarily due to what I witnessed on the other site...people who, possibly with good intentions(?), make sweeping statements about what addicts are - for example, completely devoid of any sort of feelings, incapable of love of any kind except for the drug, evil to the core, hopeless, incurable, etc. And for those of us who are the family and friends of addicts? Judgements that we must be extremely ill ourselves...co-dependent in the extreme...to allow these people in our lives. Recommendations that we..."just leave"..."run away as fast as you can"..."never look back". Implications that if we have children and are unable to "just leave" that we are somehow abusive or at the very least irresponsible as parents. Usually coached in "I don't mean to sound harsh" BUT...language.
Coincidentally, I came across an old controversy between the two sites going back quite a number of years. The answer from Sober Recovery was simply "We do not shoot our wounded here". I can't begin to tell you how comforting that sounds to me...and your note today confirms that this is still the case. All who come here are wounded in some way - hurting, confused, angry, saddened. There is no answer or response, no "one size fits all" solution for each and every one of us. Our circumstances are as varied and unique as we all are as human beings.
Thank you for your tolerance...and for not shooting the wounded, of which I am one...
I became reluctant a long time ago to post anything of consequence, primarily due to what I witnessed on the other site...people who, possibly with good intentions(?), make sweeping statements about what addicts are - for example, completely devoid of any sort of feelings, incapable of love of any kind except for the drug, evil to the core, hopeless, incurable, etc. And for those of us who are the family and friends of addicts? Judgements that we must be extremely ill ourselves...co-dependent in the extreme...to allow these people in our lives. Recommendations that we..."just leave"..."run away as fast as you can"..."never look back". Implications that if we have children and are unable to "just leave" that we are somehow abusive or at the very least irresponsible as parents. Usually coached in "I don't mean to sound harsh" BUT...language.
Coincidentally, I came across an old controversy between the two sites going back quite a number of years. The answer from Sober Recovery was simply "We do not shoot our wounded here". I can't begin to tell you how comforting that sounds to me...and your note today confirms that this is still the case. All who come here are wounded in some way - hurting, confused, angry, saddened. There is no answer or response, no "one size fits all" solution for each and every one of us. Our circumstances are as varied and unique as we all are as human beings.
Thank you for your tolerance...and for not shooting the wounded, of which I am one...
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