Property Lines
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Property Lines
A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative behavior, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If some one is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person’s property.
People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating, and tacky behaviors belong to them as well. Not to us.
People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness and misery are also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. And other people's choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't have to take it. IF we take it, we learn to give it back. We let other people have their property, and we learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine.
(Handout from Betty Ford Center-Author Unknown)
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative behavior, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If some one is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person’s property.
People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating, and tacky behaviors belong to them as well. Not to us.
People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness and misery are also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. And other people's choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't have to take it. IF we take it, we learn to give it back. We let other people have their property, and we learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine.
(Handout from Betty Ford Center-Author Unknown)
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You know, this is something I have been re-learning lately. If it doesn't have my name on it, I don't own it. It took me forever to learn how to NOT take ownership of other people behaviour, and this past week I have been drawn in....no, I knowingly walked in, to a situation that I did not own.
I have two brothers. I have a wonderful relationship with one, and the other one chose years ago to not be involved with the rest of our family - no squabble, addiction or particular reason, just his own dysfunction.
Because of Christmas, I gave it one more shot at trying to talk to my dysfuntional brother and called him. He wasn't blatently rude, but I was the only one really trying to have a conversation, and his answers were pretty much the "yes' and "no" type, participating very little.
And stupidly, I let this bother me. I have already made my peace with this brother. I have sent him birthday cards, Christmas cards, I have called him a couple of times a year and done my part in trying to have some kind of relationship.
I am not going to take ownership of his dysfuntion, his rudeness, and his coldness towards me and my other brother. My side of the street is clean.
Thank you for the reminder, Margo, right when I needed it.
Hugs
Ann
I have two brothers. I have a wonderful relationship with one, and the other one chose years ago to not be involved with the rest of our family - no squabble, addiction or particular reason, just his own dysfunction.
Because of Christmas, I gave it one more shot at trying to talk to my dysfuntional brother and called him. He wasn't blatently rude, but I was the only one really trying to have a conversation, and his answers were pretty much the "yes' and "no" type, participating very little.
And stupidly, I let this bother me. I have already made my peace with this brother. I have sent him birthday cards, Christmas cards, I have called him a couple of times a year and done my part in trying to have some kind of relationship.
I am not going to take ownership of his dysfuntion, his rudeness, and his coldness towards me and my other brother. My side of the street is clean.
Thank you for the reminder, Margo, right when I needed it.
Hugs
Ann
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Margo, You're Going To Be Proud of Me!
My sister (whom I love dearly) decided she wanted to start a donnybrook the day after Christmas about some trivial matter. I told her I did not want to argue about it, but it ended up with me telling her that she was being hateful.
She emailed me after a couple of days about the same matter. I emailed her back with my take on things. She then proceeded to email me a second time. Then, I thought about it, and said, "this is her problem and I'm not going to feed into it any further!"
I did not email her again, I did not call, and I did not worry about it! This is not like me at all. Mr. Dev was shocked at my carefree attitude!
Guess what! She called me yesterday to say she was sorry!
Wow! I was shocked!
The moral of the story is what Margo said "We learn an appropriate sense of ownership.! If it's not mine, I won't keep it!
Thanks, Margo
Hugs, Devastated
She emailed me after a couple of days about the same matter. I emailed her back with my take on things. She then proceeded to email me a second time. Then, I thought about it, and said, "this is her problem and I'm not going to feed into it any further!"
I did not email her again, I did not call, and I did not worry about it! This is not like me at all. Mr. Dev was shocked at my carefree attitude!
Guess what! She called me yesterday to say she was sorry!
Wow! I was shocked!
The moral of the story is what Margo said "We learn an appropriate sense of ownership.! If it's not mine, I won't keep it!
Thanks, Margo
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
LOL Dev!!! I wish I could take credit for this wonderful article. However, it's actually from a handout from the Betty Ford Centre and Jon first brought it to our attention. It was such a good one that we posted it on both the anon forums. It always gets the thumbs up from everyone who reads it, and it all so very true. It's a great one to print out to keep handy.
I'm really glad that you were able to handle that situation with your sister so well. You're growing by leaps and bounds, Dev - be proud of yourself - we sure are!
I'm really glad that you were able to handle that situation with your sister so well. You're growing by leaps and bounds, Dev - be proud of yourself - we sure are!
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Thanks Margo
and I owe it all to the wonderful people on this forum! Ann, that sweet thang, she has had such patience with me, and she kept on telling me that one day it would happen! There were a couple of times she gave me bunny nudges with the steel-toed slippers, but other than that she was pretty gentle.
Jon and Alyx were not as gentle, but I knew they were right! It might have been their "not so gentle" nudging that made me really think this situation out further! Even though their nudging wasn't as gentle as Ann's, it was very much accepted as doing it "for my own good!"
You all have been wonderful. Right now, I'm still doing well, and every time my son pops into my mind I think "he's the only one that can change this situation." I now realize that he knows how much I love him, and he knows I've tried and also that I'm not responsible for his situation! I'm actually at peace with this now. I think guilt is a horrible thing and keeps you in a bad place if you let it!
I pray every day that I will get stronger and more accepting.
I COULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT ALL OF YOU! You hear me Jon?? I love you!
Love, Devastated
Jon and Alyx were not as gentle, but I knew they were right! It might have been their "not so gentle" nudging that made me really think this situation out further! Even though their nudging wasn't as gentle as Ann's, it was very much accepted as doing it "for my own good!"
You all have been wonderful. Right now, I'm still doing well, and every time my son pops into my mind I think "he's the only one that can change this situation." I now realize that he knows how much I love him, and he knows I've tried and also that I'm not responsible for his situation! I'm actually at peace with this now. I think guilt is a horrible thing and keeps you in a bad place if you let it!
I pray every day that I will get stronger and more accepting.
I COULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS WITHOUT ALL OF YOU! You hear me Jon?? I love you!
Love, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 15
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! IT'S NOT MINE!!!! IT IS JUST NOT MINE!!!
Then I look at the bright side....look at all the functional property that is mine when I let go of the other property.....ohhh yeah
ME ME ME ME ME....MINE MINE MINE MINE!!!! OH YEAH!
Then I look at the bright side....look at all the functional property that is mine when I let go of the other property.....ohhh yeah
ME ME ME ME ME....MINE MINE MINE MINE!!!! OH YEAH!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: With Good Spirit
Posts: 378
I had read this before and not replied. HOW amazing that you can read something like THIS and then read it later, and get new and better meaning from it. OH I guess I was NOT thinking about HOW many things I take on as MINE. WOW..talk about needing someone's bunny slipper up my BUTT!! LOL
Seriously...it takes time to see alot of things. I have taken ownership of so many things that were not mine. EVEN other's feelings!!!!! GRRRRRRRR
I have a feeling I will be working on some issues forever...but I hope that is ok, because I am not giving up on making the changes that I need to make. I hate to but have to admit that I have read things like this..or similar..and thought it had NOTHING to do with ME.....I cannot imagine how I got this far without steel-toed bunny slippers!!!
We have so many wonderful things on this site. I guess we learn as we allow ourselves to "let things in". I am just grateful for all of it...I don't know how else to express it...
Thanks to all the wonderful PATIENT people here at SoberRecovery!!!!
God Bless!!!!
HOPE2055
Seriously...it takes time to see alot of things. I have taken ownership of so many things that were not mine. EVEN other's feelings!!!!! GRRRRRRRR
I have a feeling I will be working on some issues forever...but I hope that is ok, because I am not giving up on making the changes that I need to make. I hate to but have to admit that I have read things like this..or similar..and thought it had NOTHING to do with ME.....I cannot imagine how I got this far without steel-toed bunny slippers!!!
We have so many wonderful things on this site. I guess we learn as we allow ourselves to "let things in". I am just grateful for all of it...I don't know how else to express it...
Thanks to all the wonderful PATIENT people here at SoberRecovery!!!!
God Bless!!!!
HOPE2055
Paused
Join Date: May 2004
Location: LANDOVER MARYLAND
Posts: 2
I am so happy I found this article - it hit home- not only in my relationship with SA daughter but with so many others family members - I printed this so I can read it over and over to keep me focused.
thanks
sys
thanks
sys
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11
It's amazing how well some people can do this. My problems are 99% with family members, which recently are my son and his gf. I too walk into situations knowingly. I'm way too sensitive and always want to help to make things better which for me is usually spending money on something the gf wants. I keep getting hurt time and time again.
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