Lessons Learned . . .
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Lessons Learned . . .
We all have lessons to learn, we all must walk our own path - I am in NO WAY giving advice in this post - just sharing my e, s, & h -
Letting others know things I wish I had known.
I am a fairly intelligent woman, very hard worker and have fought thru many obstacles to achieve 23 yrs on a job, and to maintain some sort of decent credit rating - while raising or helping raise 5 daughter and living with active addiction/alcoholism.
Now, I have found the courage, strength and wisdom to walk away from a 16 plus yr marriage to a man that suffers from the disease of alcoholism/addiction (who although he has tried many times has been unsuccessful in maintaining his sobriety).
Of course, He is very hurt, upset and angry about this decision. He has that right to those feelings. And as we all know
"Hurting People Hurt People"
But the sad part about it is that sometimes the Laws in our Country help them hurt us.
Because of his inability to hold a job due to his active use, he has no retirement - therefore, he will be taking half of mine.
Because of his inability to have a drivers' license (DUI's, etc.) he has no vehicle - therefore, he is eligible for half the value of mine.
Because he refused to leave the home and I did - he gets the house. Doesn't matter I had to leave for my own sanity, serenity and mental safety.
Because he works for cash (under the table) he has no record of income, therefore it appears he may need "spousal support".
So after spending almost 17 yrs supporting this person, finanicially, emotionally and physically - it appears the appreciation and thanks that I will get from that will be - Let's have some more of your money.
This is what the disease does to them - this is how it is and how the legal system aids them in their endeavors.
No matter if I loose every penny that I have - I am still so very grateful to be OUT of the marriage and that even I have to live in a box on the side of the road - I pray daily that never, ever have to go back to that world!!
The reason I post this - for those of you who are still reading this (I know it's kinda long) is for the ones that stay in the unhealthiness - for those who stay thinking that someday things may change -
Yes, I do believe that a person can change.
I do believe that sobriety and sanity can be achieved and relationships/marriages saved.
BUT I also believe in protecting ourselves.
The longer you stay in the marriage - the more you are leaving yourself open to these same circumstances. There are options. I am NOT an attorney - but there are plenty of places to go to seek legal counsel. Please do not be so blind as I to believe that your A will be grateful for all you have done for him/her over the years that they would never do this type of thing to you.
As with any active A - there isn't a line that they won't cross - right?
I have always said "The best thing about my life is that it's a perfect example of what NOT to do"
Be prepared, my friends - please protect yourself, your children, your financial well-being.
HUGS to you and yours,
and remember - even tho I may be broken - Me & My God are going to be ok - even better than OK,
Rita
Letting others know things I wish I had known.
I am a fairly intelligent woman, very hard worker and have fought thru many obstacles to achieve 23 yrs on a job, and to maintain some sort of decent credit rating - while raising or helping raise 5 daughter and living with active addiction/alcoholism.
Now, I have found the courage, strength and wisdom to walk away from a 16 plus yr marriage to a man that suffers from the disease of alcoholism/addiction (who although he has tried many times has been unsuccessful in maintaining his sobriety).
Of course, He is very hurt, upset and angry about this decision. He has that right to those feelings. And as we all know
"Hurting People Hurt People"
But the sad part about it is that sometimes the Laws in our Country help them hurt us.
Because of his inability to hold a job due to his active use, he has no retirement - therefore, he will be taking half of mine.
Because of his inability to have a drivers' license (DUI's, etc.) he has no vehicle - therefore, he is eligible for half the value of mine.
Because he refused to leave the home and I did - he gets the house. Doesn't matter I had to leave for my own sanity, serenity and mental safety.
Because he works for cash (under the table) he has no record of income, therefore it appears he may need "spousal support".
So after spending almost 17 yrs supporting this person, finanicially, emotionally and physically - it appears the appreciation and thanks that I will get from that will be - Let's have some more of your money.
This is what the disease does to them - this is how it is and how the legal system aids them in their endeavors.
No matter if I loose every penny that I have - I am still so very grateful to be OUT of the marriage and that even I have to live in a box on the side of the road - I pray daily that never, ever have to go back to that world!!
The reason I post this - for those of you who are still reading this (I know it's kinda long) is for the ones that stay in the unhealthiness - for those who stay thinking that someday things may change -
Yes, I do believe that a person can change.
I do believe that sobriety and sanity can be achieved and relationships/marriages saved.
BUT I also believe in protecting ourselves.
The longer you stay in the marriage - the more you are leaving yourself open to these same circumstances. There are options. I am NOT an attorney - but there are plenty of places to go to seek legal counsel. Please do not be so blind as I to believe that your A will be grateful for all you have done for him/her over the years that they would never do this type of thing to you.
As with any active A - there isn't a line that they won't cross - right?
I have always said "The best thing about my life is that it's a perfect example of what NOT to do"
Be prepared, my friends - please protect yourself, your children, your financial well-being.
HUGS to you and yours,
and remember - even tho I may be broken - Me & My God are going to be ok - even better than OK,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Rita)))
You are a shining example of how to keep on going, with a great attitude, no matter what! Some things just aren't fair, and good people sometimes suffer. But you show that we can keep a good attitude and keep moving forward, no matter what.
You're my hero
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You are a shining example of how to keep on going, with a great attitude, no matter what! Some things just aren't fair, and good people sometimes suffer. But you show that we can keep a good attitude and keep moving forward, no matter what.
You're my hero
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
((Rita))
Even though your post was a warning to others, your inner strength and serenity were shining through.
Here's praying that when you actually walk into divorce court you will have an intelligent judge that will take ALL the circumstances into account and a FAIR judgement will be issued. You've worked hard and only done what you felt was the right thing for you at the time, you do not need to be punished for that.
Joan
Even though your post was a warning to others, your inner strength and serenity were shining through.
Here's praying that when you actually walk into divorce court you will have an intelligent judge that will take ALL the circumstances into account and a FAIR judgement will be issued. You've worked hard and only done what you felt was the right thing for you at the time, you do not need to be punished for that.
Joan
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
This sucks - I think anyone thinking about marrying an addict needs to read this and protect themselves financially.
I am glad to see that you're not willing to trade financial security for a peaceful life. I gotta ask two things, is the judge aware he gets paid under the table and do you have an attorney? if an attorney got you this deal then they suck. I know every state's laws are different but this is about the worse divorce case settlement i've ever seen.
I am glad to see that you're not willing to trade financial security for a peaceful life. I gotta ask two things, is the judge aware he gets paid under the table and do you have an attorney? if an attorney got you this deal then they suck. I know every state's laws are different but this is about the worse divorce case settlement i've ever seen.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by cinderellawkids 
In many states that is indeed how it is.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Good for you Japic, but I'm sorry too. My XAH "threatened" to come after me for spousal support. I have NO idea why he didn't, but it isn't fair, it's true. I live in a "no fault" state also.
I think it's an important reality check. For those sitting on the fence, adding a few more years, etc. I'm not advocating divorce and leaving, or that that is always the solution - but emotionally we can shoot ourselves in the foot taking too long to get to the point where we need legal advice. Seperation or divorce is not death. Filing papers to keep finances legally seperate from a certain point forward (if that's possible) or something like that. All not fun to look at, but necessary. Thanks for sharing your reality check-list.
In between that practical check-list, your own recovery is shining - congratulations to you for yourself!
(((hugs)))
I think it's an important reality check. For those sitting on the fence, adding a few more years, etc. I'm not advocating divorce and leaving, or that that is always the solution - but emotionally we can shoot ourselves in the foot taking too long to get to the point where we need legal advice. Seperation or divorce is not death. Filing papers to keep finances legally seperate from a certain point forward (if that's possible) or something like that. All not fun to look at, but necessary. Thanks for sharing your reality check-list.
In between that practical check-list, your own recovery is shining - congratulations to you for yourself!
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
Ok, well Rita, you are definitely one I look up to. All I can say is it just flat out sucks.
And for spousal support...WTF? I don't think he needs it, but who am I? My xah was ordered to pay temp spousal support while I was preggo with little one since you can't divorce while preggo in this state....but did I get it.............and say this like John Belushi....BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I didn't get a dime.
And for spousal support...WTF? I don't think he needs it, but who am I? My xah was ordered to pay temp spousal support while I was preggo with little one since you can't divorce while preggo in this state....but did I get it.............and say this like John Belushi....BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I didn't get a dime.
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Rita,
First off I want to say your strength is evident right now to all of us reading your words. I am also so sorry that once again you need to support your ex. To me this doesnt make sense at all... how could someone whose actively using, get awarded all of this money. I'm sorry and will as always pray that this some how works out in your favor.
Hugs,
Jewelz
First off I want to say your strength is evident right now to all of us reading your words. I am also so sorry that once again you need to support your ex. To me this doesnt make sense at all... how could someone whose actively using, get awarded all of this money. I'm sorry and will as always pray that this some how works out in your favor.
Hugs,
Jewelz
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by outtolunch
This should be considered for a sticky, at the top.
Me too. Done!
Excellent thread, thank you for sharing so eloquently. My prayers go out for you and your girls. I have a feeling everything will work out just fine for you all.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
As always, Rita, your recovery shines through your post. Thanks for always sharing your ESH. I too believe you and your daughters will be just fine and despite how things appear, as you continue to grow spiritually and find you truly soar, life will get better and better. Thanks for htis post - an important lesson learned that may well benefit many. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: St. Petersburg, Florida
Posts: 684
Wow Rita... what a kicker this is. Thank you for sharing this with us. It will definitely make me think about looking into the laws in my state. I pray that the judge you get in front of will look with fresh eyes and take everything into account and make a fair decision. You are a shining star and your recovery is such an inspiration. Don't give up!!
Hugs,
AJ
Hugs,
AJ
tangerine dream
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: somewhere near los angeles
Posts: 55
Originally Posted by winnie12
This sucks - I think anyone thinking about marrying an addict needs to read this and protect themselves financially.
but i think maybe that's a good thing?
maybe?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Just happened to read this .... again... tonight... it so sucks, doesn't it. I am now paying to support my kids who have chosen to be live with Dad even though they know about his problems. He ruined his life and in turn ruined our family and I am expected to give him 1/2 of everything I worked for and help him with the kids who are supposed to be spending 1/2 their time with me.... addiction stinks!!!!!! Run... don't walk if you are contemplating getting involved with someone with a problem.. you won't fix them and the end result ain't pretty.
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