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Old 11-07-2018, 09:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Husband Relapsed


Hi I am new to this... I'm just seeking any kind of advice. When I started dating my now husband I was 18 and he was 22. I liked to party and use drugs and alcohol, I liked to smoke weed and occasionally pop painkillers and drink. I never got to a point where I couldn't put something down if I wanted/needed to. My now husband enjoyed the same things but I thought it was a similar situation and I didn't realize at the time he was already a full blown addict. Mainly addicted to xanax. He was seeing a doctor who prescribed him 120 footballs a month and that lasted him maybe 2 weeks and the rest of the time he was filling the void with xanax bars he was able to illegally buy. I had never taken xanax before we dated, I took it some but I never really liked it like he did. A year before we started seeing each other he was arrested for possession of xanax (before he got the prescription) and his court date was finally coming up a year after we started dating. He entered drug court. This is when I finally started seeing how bad his addiction was, he could not get clean for court and obviously ended up in a court mandated detox center. He left, was on the run and then entered into a 3 month rehab facility. He still had a warrant however and they weren't letting that slide so they arrested him about a month into rehab. He was in jail 3 months until I got him into a different out of town rehab and I moved out there to be with him and support him. At this point I knew I was in the relationship for the long haul and not being with him was never a thought that crossed my mind. He was kicked out of the second rehab but it was due to him missing work and lying about it so the court decided he could do outpatient and stay out of jail as long as he was taking regular drug tests. Up until this time we were both totally clean and sober ever since he entered the first rehab. Then once outpatient started we both began to use again.... smoking pot. I was ashamed about it, it was a tough time. We had a family member who just willingly brought pot to us for free, in large quantities. We had no willpower. We were in denial for a while and he used detox drinks to pass the drug tests but one day he finally failed. The judge sent him back to jail for 3 months and we lost the apartment and we moved back home, he was then kicked out of rehab for a ridiculous reason (this was an extreme Christian rehab and the man in charge felt that my husband was not acting in a godly way and failed to exhibit christian values) after 2 months but he was totally clean. He ran for a while, I got knocked up and so he turned himself in. He was in jail for 3 months and the judge gave him a second chance at drug court starting from scratch. He passed every test and paid every fine and that was for a year and he graduated with flying colors and I couldn't have been more proud of him, us and how the baby being in the picture was the thing that finally made it click into place for him and for myself that we wanted a different life. We were sober and happy and enjoyed every second of life with our new baby. Over time he smoked pot here and there and that was fine with me I don't really mind that. But then he started using prescription opiods... he quickly realized the problem and was transparent with me and he got on the suboxone program and is actively decreasing his dose little by little to stop. I've supported him no matter what. Our son will be 4 soon and I'm now pregnant with our second son. The last few months I've noticed he is using xanax again. Not evey day but I guess when he can get his hands on it, he takes it. And he doesn't take a little he gets so ****** up and cannot function. He passes out on the couch at 5pm after work and it's like he isn't even here. He works with his father at his small business. Yesterday I knew immediately he was ****** up, he's slurring and stumbling and as soon as he sits he cannot hold his eyes open. Today his father sent him home and text me saying "I cannot have him here in the state he's in". I had an ultrasound today, he followed me to the Drs office and while he was behind me he actually rear ended my car. Not bad but... i mean wtf. At this point this day I've been so looking forward to (finding out the sex) has been so marred by his bahavior I'm at a loss for words. The apppointment went fine and the car is fine it was a very minor bump so I didn't even address it simply because I cannot handle the stress. He's in denial and gets extremely defensive when I try and talk to him about it. I try to only come from a place of love and he goes on the attack and says that he enjoys the xanax every now and then and if I don't like it I can leave. It's like a demon has possessed him because my husband would never speak that way. I cannot believe he would even imply that he would rather take xanax over his family. These comments are so distressing to me and it feels like my heart is being ripped out and smeared across the floor. I do not know what to do or how to handle this. The thought of breaking this family apart destroys me inside but if he can't leave xanax alone I legitimately do not know what to do. I can't bring a new baby into that environment and our son doesn't deserve it now so I am very careful about what he sees and hears. I do not want that life anymore and I thought he didn't either. I don't know if I can stay and deal with the xanax but the ansolute last thing I want is to have a broken home and get a divorce, the thought of it makes me sick. And even worse than a divorce I'm worried he will OD mixing the xanax with the suboxone. I suggested maybe going back to meetings I told him I was his partner and that I would do whatever he needed and he said "if there's one thing I'm not doing, it's going to meetings". I don't know what to do or say. I just don't know what to do.
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Old 11-07-2018, 10:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by WildHorses13 View Post
I don't know if I can stay and deal with the xanax but the ansolute last thing I want is to have a broken home and get a divorce, the thought of it makes me sick.
Hi Wildhorses, what a terrible and tough situation to be in.

He is an addict and he wants to use drugs. He wants to use drugs more than anything it would seem, that's kind of how addiction works.

In my opinion your focus is on the wrong person here. He is a grown man and can look after himself. Your child is not and your new child will not be. That should be your focus, you and them.

So the question then becomes, what is good for them and for you? I doubt that living with an addict will be your answer.

I'm not suggesting you need to leave him for all time or anything, you know your situation and you will decide what you want to do in the long run but for now, what is your best course of action? A separation perhaps? Perhaps he needs to leave the household until he has been sober for X amount of time - say 6 months minimum and be seeking some kind of treatment, be that Al-Anon or an inpatient or outpatient therapy.

No need to make decisions about divorce right now. Take your time, make a plan of action for now, protect your children and yourself. Some time away from this drama will help you clear your head and make clearer decisions.

You might find these previous posts helpful to read (from the stickies section at the top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum):

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Also these articles are really good too:

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/A..._Lies_Rel.html
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Old 11-08-2018, 10:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Glad you're here with us, WH, and thanks for sharing.

This is quite a family crisis.

We had this problem (addiction) in my family growing up, and my first wife and I are both alcoholics.

He seems to not want help.

He has had every opportunity to get help and, even if he got sober today, he still has a very low bottom already.

You will get good advice and commentary here.

You need to protect yourself and your children.

Please keep us posted as to your efforts.
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Old 11-08-2018, 10:39 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Wildhorses, My stepdaughter finally came out of hiding in her bed room all of the time when she met a girl a the place she kept her horse. Her horse was the only place where she socialized with other girls her age. This girl ( we missed this coming) she met unbeknownst to us hung around a questionable crowd. She fell in love with a bad character and he took her down the road to gangs, meth and being part of a theft ring. Much praying, helping, being there for her only brought us to more heartache. After he "friends" broke into our house when we were away and cleaned me out (they did not touch anything of her mom's) we had to make the biggest decision of our lives to date. We had to ask her to decide being in and out of jail or leave the group and remain in the home. She chose the gang. The Judge finally through the book at her and sentenced her to 1 year in prison. That was the best thing that happened. She met someone in prison who got through to her and she turned her life around. Today she is a loving , hard working mother of two. All of this to say that you have to protect you and your children. It seems your man has not hit rock bottom yet. Maybe the realization that he needs to choose between you and the kids or the next high will get him to do what it takes. I have no idea what it it's like to stop hard drugs. Alcohol is hard enough. Right now the kids are first and foremost. My prayers to you both.
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Old 11-08-2018, 11:22 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I am so sorry for what brings you here. You say he takes Xanax on occasion. This means to me he is buying it illegally, is that correct?? I don't think that would be ok with me. My X husband is addicted to Xanax that is actually prescribed to him. Problem is he mixes it with booze. It can cause dangerous, blackout issues.

He has told you this is what he is going to do, believe him. Now you need to put the focus on what is best for you and your children.
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