sunshine003

For so long, I thought what AH thought. If I couldn't get him to come around to my way of thinking, then his way was right.

In December, my ah was involved in a car accident. He hurt himself pretty bad. The police said he had to be going at least 80 mph. He was the only one involved. In any event, a few months ago, he told me it was no accident, that he was indeed drunk but he did it on purpose. On purpose meaning, trying to end his life. On his drive home, he said he started to get angry (as he does when he drinks). He knew he'd have to face my anger since he said he'd be home at 9 and it was after midnight. He was angry about that and thought, "I'll show her, I'm so sick of this." That type of stuff along with other irrational things.

I thought about this the other day and realized how it's an example of blame at it's finest.

I can't count how many blames I've accepted. But I can tell you this, he is a sad, sick man to tell me he did it on purpose because he was mad at me and wanted to "show me."

I've been carrying this one around for a while. I shared it with a few but kept it bottled up for the most part. I'm unleashing a little bit today. These reminders help me stay focused.

Jazzman

M had many suicidal depressions and two attempts before we separated, but her motive for making it "public information" I believe, was a cry out for help. She never placed blame on anyone.

My sister is going through a tough divorce with her AH and she tells a similar story as yours, he places blame on her for his suicidal depressions/attempts.

Why the difference? I don't know really... wish I did. Very curious behavior.
But in either event if blame was placed, it was missplaced for sure.

MsPINKAcres

Good sharing Sunshine,
For me, a journal helps me with my feelings, emotions, etc about things, situations, people - because my best thinking will begin to forget some of those things as time goes by or at least begin to justify unacceptable behavior. Going back to read some of those past hurts, disappointments, pains, accomplishments, victories, spiritual awakenings, can keep me on my path of recovery so that I don't get caught up in a false sense of reality (like the one I lived in prior to recovery) I know at time we let the past go, but sometimes reflecting also reminds us of where we were and that we don't want to go back -
Good job on focusing on your recovery,
Rita

elizabeth1979

You are doing good Sunshine!
Glad to see your recovery shining!

denny57

sunshine, to have compassion enough to say it is sad shows great recovery and growth. you're an inspiration.

pmaslan

You are right, your H is a very sick man. Trying to hurt or kill himself
to show you is insanity at it's best. I hope that along with his
realization that he needs to quit drinking he also realizes he needs
mental help. You are getting stronger and this will
sustain you. I have flashbacks a lot..to a time that is similiar to
what you describe, I can't imagine how awful their pain must be
to put themselves and the ones they claim to love through it all.
Hang in there I do understand how tough it is.

deax

Yeah R told me twice he thought about wanting to die. The first time was on my birthday while we were broken up, he had lost an apartment he was supposed to get in my neighborhood and therefore couldn't take a job offer he'd received. I remember he left this awful-sounding message wishing me a happy birthday and telling me that he still loves me, but I didn't answer the phone or reply to the message. The next time was when he disappeared the day we and his nephew were supposed to go on a weekend trip. During the fallout from everyone in response to that, he told me a few days later that he wanted to kill himself that weekend but didn't have the nerve, nor the ability to write a suicide note. "How pathetic is that?" he said.

I told him in that moment that no matter how mad I or his brother or his nephew may be at him, everyone loves him and no one would ever want to see him dead. We hate what he does, not who he is. It wouldn't make anything better for anyone, it would just hurt people even more. I told him that him killing himself would kill a part of me, and I never wanted him to tell me anything like that again.

Was he using it as manipulation? Maybe, probably. Maybe he really did feel that way and all the manipulation is perhaps even an unconscious product of his sickness. When he was a teen he used to be a cutter, so he had issues long before me, clearly.

I honestly don't know if the things I said to him were appropriate or not, but somehow I take the things that I told him then as my release from his choices and decisions. God forbid he ever did such a thing, at least I know I made it clear how I would feel about it, and that people's anger and frustration doesn't mean a lack of caring.

megamysterioso

(((Sunshine)))- glad you're sharing and getting things off your chest. Sometimes that is all one needs. Your AH is very sad and sick and suicide is the most selfish act anyone can commit IMO. When my XAH pulled a loaded gun to his own head, it became very clear to me that I could no longer accept the insanity that I had been living with for so long. You're going well Sunshine.

megamysterioso

you're DOING well I meant to say!!!