JenT1968

I am ashamed that I have sat on this for so long, but I don't know what to do with it, about 4 weeks ago, in a very matter-of-fact way my 3 year old son said "daddy hit me" as we where doing jigsaws - his father was working late.

My reaction was less than text-book because I responded with "was it an accident?" reply "no", and then (and this is the worst bit) "why did daddy hit you?" - implying that there could be a valid reason for hitting a 3 year old, whereas what I was trying to get at was the details of any scenario that had happened to see if this was one of the "imaginative" things he says (he went through a phase of saying "I used to have XYZ when I was a girl"). His answer was "don't know"

and since then I have done nothing - I havn't asked his dad, I havn't brought it up with my son again, I don't know what to do, I don't know if its true or not. and I handled it so badly.

I don't know what to do, do I try and introduce the topic of hitting people and see where it leads? do I talk to his father?

sunshine003

of course you talk to his father.....why wouldn't you? It doesn't mean you attack him. Just say, "our son said you hit him, I was wondering what he's talking about?" I'm lost as to where the big deal is here????

If my son told me his dad hit him, I'd ask what happened, I'd ask where did he hit you, etc.....the next thing I'd do was get the story from the adult, through their eyes.

sunshine003

I don't mean "big deal" as in it's not a big deal to hit, I mean big deal as in why you wouldn't ask?

MsPINKAcres

I would try to maybe find a time when your husband (I am guessing he may be the A in your life??) is not under the influence - ask him if he has the time to discuss a few things and tell him what your son said - Not in an accusational way - just open the floor to discuss the matter -

It could be a big misunderstanding or it could be a serious issue that needs to resolved immediately - but not addressing the issue could leave you wondering and obessessing and spending a lot of sleepless nights -

Just my suggestions - Hope everything works out ok,

Rita

JenT1968

because my husband has been violent to me in the past, he's an active alcoholic who lies, I don't know what way is up at the moment, I don't know if I'd believe what he said or he'd remember anyway

many things have become a big deal to me - my thinking is often off-base, and perhaps it is here

sunshine003

I don't know what to tell you and I'm very sorry. I don't believe anything my ah says either so I know how that feels.

I may be wrong but my initial thought is that your thinking is off base. Maybe he won't tell the truth but you still bring it to the table. As I said, don't attack him. If "hitting" isn't in your parenting (as it shouldn't be, I've never spanked) then just repeat what your son said and ask him what happened. Then bring up other things such as what is appropriate as to make sure you're on the same page as far as discipline goes. You can't let his addiction rule your entire life. Second, if you believe he's capable of harming your child, don't leave your child alone with him.

cmc

I agree with this- imo it is best not to jump to conclusions as to whether it happened or if it happened at all. He has abused you, is violent and lies- so you now bear the responsibility to not only protect yourself but your child as well. I worked with that age group for many years-they can say things based on their level of development that are innacurrate. My method is to always listen to them and err on the side of the most vulnerable person involved.
It will do no good to keep asking your child about this- it may in fact be harmfu to bring more attention what he said. Only a professional should do such probing- sorry to say that you could make things much worse by 'digging' for the facts.

The safest best thing is prevention from this point on. I also agree with what Japic said about opening the floor for discussing this with his dad. If he did indeed hit his son this puts him 'on notice' and if he even thinks about it a next time he also is now aware that you are on top of things.

splendra

(((*Ceriden))))

I agree that your child should not be left alone with your H. Be safe above all else!!!!

deax

Ceridwen, I agree with what's been said already but wanted to add that, in my opinion, you didn't say anything so terrible to your son. You were unprepared and his statement took you by surprise, and you were just trying to gently gather information from a three year old, which isn't easy. Don't be too hard on yourself as far as that goes.

Are you afraid to tell your husband what your son said, for fear of his reaction toward you or your son? If so, and since you can't reason with your husband in his current condition anyway, only you know if that's the best idea at this time...

Bottom line as far as I see it is since your husband has displayed physically abusive tendencies, if I were you I would find any alternative possible to avoid leaving your son alone with him at any time. Just to be safe. Like has been said, the wisest thing for you to do is practice prevention to the greatest extent possible for your son's sake. Just in case.

Jazzman

My guess is you were thrown off because you have been a victim of his abuse before? If not I'm sure you would have asked your H about this. Maybe your reaction was a lightbulb momonet clouded by confusion that would be expected in this situation?

I would really be thinking saftey right now.... for you and your son both.

BigSis

Hi Ceridwen...

Man, you are in a tough spot. What I know, from experience, is that violence is progressive. First it is anger, harsh words, controlling demands, perhaps a push, restraint or shove, then hitting, punching... kicking. And it will eventually involve hitting/hurting/punching children.

People die from it. Almost always the smaller person... the child or the woman, though occassionally, the woman will murder her husband to stop the violence.

It is a separate issue from the alcoholism, though some of the traits are similar (It is chronic - the violence is used to control, so even when it seems to abate, it is only because the victim has learned to live to obey. It is progressive - see above. It is fatal.)

It does appear that the violence has progressed to the point of hurting your tiny boy.

What I found was that I needed to leave the situation before it got better. The scary part of doing that is that "telling" the man you are leaving is dangerous - to everyone.

It was better for me to make a plan.... a safe place to go (day or night). A bag packed with a credit card/ a bit of cash/extra clothes/toys and a list of numbers... of shelters and or women's resources you can call. And an extra key to the house and car.

I am unfamiliar with the United Kingdom - do they have women's shelters? Are there resources you can tap into?

I am not judging you... I've been there. I am just worried that you might be thinking (as I used to) that "somehow" things would get better... generally, they don't.

Please post again and let me know how you are doing.

ranae1221

I grew up with several instiances of abuse in my childhood. The first time it happened, I told my mom, who said she would "take care of it". Nothing was ever done, nothing was ever said again about it. The next time it happened, I didn't say anything, and never did again. It made me feel like I did something wrong, it was my fault, ect. It has really really messed me up in my life.

I don't know what I would do in your situation.....but I hope you will think of your child and what not doing anything may tell or not tell him.

robina

You know two facts.

You know your husband has been violent to you, and you know he is an active alcoholic who lies.

Based on those facts, I would assume that what your child said was likely true. To me, the situation looks like a big red flag.

I don't believe you should confront your husband, or even ask him about what happened. If he is an active alcoholic, and a liar, why should he tell the truth? It might only provoke more violence.

The only question I would have is: "what are you going to do to ensure your child's safety?"

Pick-a-name

I was trying to figure a way to say voice these same concerns. If things were still OK enough to do this (ask and accept the answer as true), it probably wouldn't have happened or you fear it has happenend...just my experience. He is an active alcoholic so he can't do that consistently enough to risk your son's safety to it...if you can believe it at all.....

This happened in our home (but my son was much older,so it was different in those areas). We are not living together because of these kinds of things,although AH does not admit that any hitting,etc ever happened (and to be honest, I do believe now he was in blackouts..which is scarey to think,too).

Sorry this is going on. Pray that more will be revealed...it usually is. Of course, your child's safety is the most important, so I would not want them alone together. JMO

megamysterioso

Think of you and your child's safety first here honey. If I were you, I would be pretty certain that your child was telling the truth since your AH is a violent person to you. I would not even want to hear his "justification" of it. Or as you said-- he may lie about it or simply not remember it. I hope you are considering all of the options you have here. The well-being of you and your child come above all else IMO.

denny57

I don't have children, but I was a child that was hit, often and hard. My mother would say to me "and if you tell your father it'll hurt more next time."

JenT1968

Hi everyone - sorry about yesterday, I can get myself caught in eddy's of thinking - I am not very good at getting a sense of proportion, and yesterday I was tired and in a state.

I'm still no clearer as on what to do - the variation in replies nicely sums up the yo-yo thinking I have going on

If I were in a different relationship, I would have asked his father if he knew what was going on, smacking is not part of our discipline. Just to clarify though, I am not living with violence - I am not scared for myself, the 2 instances of physical violence in the past were - and I don't know how quite to put this, but "laughable", I am not saying that anyone should have to put up with the 2 instances that we went through, but during the incidents I was shocked and enraged but not scared

I don't know how to explain, but they were not serious attempts to damage me in anyway, the first was gripping me round the throat after an argument - but it was so lightly done and he was so shocked that I was able to bat his hand away, the second what hitting me to wake me up one night after he had gone out and come back enraged. after both of these I felt not fear, but severe indignation that he had layed a hand on me - I'm not saying that either of these are respectful, normal or healthy behaviours, just that for whatever reason, I do not actually fear for my safety in anyway. The last one was over a year ago and was during a period when he used to threaten me with violence sporadically when he hit a stage of being drunk that he just doesn't seem able to reach now. Now he passes out before he gets to that stage, I think at the time he was using a lot of speed as well.

I'm not trying to minimise it, but he was so drunk he could not move let alone anything else and would threaten to have me shot or shoot me etc (there are no guns in our house - gun laws very different here) to me it just seemed laughable, sad and pathetic.


given all of that - he is obviously capable of crossing that line, and I have seen him recently walk away from a battle of wills with our son and punch a wall, or make a large swinging smacking gesture at head-height as he walks away from him - he is aware I consider that threatening behaviour and have removed my son on those occassions. He is rarely alone with his son, not because of this, but because I think children deserve to be in the care of someone vaguely sober and not simply a warm body.

no further on in my thinking really, I "disasterise" situations but I also minimise them as well - no idea what I'm doing here. round in circles, round in circles.

Jazzman

Hmmm... not sure how to respond to that

Is your H engaged any recovery efforts?
Does he think he has a problem or not? (I mean is he oblivious to this? In denial?)

ICU

I think you are minimizing what's going on. Add to the above 2 examples him punching walls and are all signs that need to be paid attention to. Listen, I too used to minimize, make excuses for, deny, etc. That only helped him to escilate his bad behavior.

After reading more to your story, I personally wouldn't mention him hitting your son. I would however consult with the professionals, and not leave your son alone with him.Violence is also progresive....does not, or rarely ever gets better, even with a recovery program.

And let's not forget that age 3 your son is absorbing things around him like a little sponge. If he's aware of how his daddy is acting, the cycle could continue with him as well.

JenT1968

depends when you talk to him whether he thinks he has a problem or not, a couple of year's ago he was involved in weekly counselling with an addiction specialist (although how often he went is a debatable point). He went because his brother spoke to him and got him a referral after I started making plans to leave. I stayed because he seemed to be making an effort - not to give up drinking, but to cut down, deal with his anger management issues etc, and because I was still in a grip of PND and thought I couldn't cope on my own. They took him off their books at christmas because he hadn't got to an appointment in 6 months
He doesn't think he has a physical addiction, because he doesn't drink at work, I've no idea if he has or not. At times when I have spoken to him he will say he thinks he has a drinking problem, but not as bad as I make out. Other times he says its just "habit" that he picks up a drink first thing in the morning at weekends etc. Other times he says his drinking is normal and no big deal.

He's currently trying to cut down, because after weeks of seeing him pass out twice daily at weekends and me trying to practice al-anon detachment (and failing pretty miserably) I snapped one saturday at 6.30 am when I found him having a beer and told him that I was going to be visiting friends and familly every weekend with our son for the forseeable future because I couldn't be around someone who drank the way he was and that unless he sorted himself out I would leave properly after his brothers wedding in september (giving myself time to save up the money .

I realise this was totally counterproductive, he is trying - but on his own - and for me, not for himself, and is still drinking every day that he can (given that I won't lend him money anymore), but less. He's hiding some drinking from me. I've made such a mistake with this. "sort himself out" is so vague, and it makes me the "drinking police" although I refuse the role.

Sorry this is so long - everything's such a mess and my head is spinning and racing.