Lightening
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Spain
Posts: 22
Lightening
I have thought that if I am going to communicate with you all here and accept the truly wonderful warmth and kindness I have already been shown, It is only right and proper that I should open up and come clean fully.
My wife isn't the first Alcoholic I have had to deal with.
Just on 4yrs ago, my elder brother Barry at 50yrs old died after taking a parecetamol overdose in what appeared to be an effort to stop the pain of withdrawal. His liver simply couln't cope and his bodily functions just closed down one by one until he finally passed away.
Watching my dear brother slowly kill himself over a period of years was a truly harrowing experience for my family and I.
Seeing how truly unhappy he was inside was a killer. Cleaning up his mess, throwing him out of my aged mother's house because he was hammered, the list goes on.
He was, in reality, a brave man. He constantly fought his addiction and was considerate enough to try most of the time to hide the worst of it from those he new it would hurt.
He would spend periods of time with our mother but almost every time, when he could not stop the binge coming on, would leave her and return to his dingy little flate in Brighton and proceed to kill imself some more.
He was a very intelligent and kindly man too. Into philosophy and piled full of thoughts and oppinions. Probably too much so for his own good.
If he could do you a good turn or give you helping hand in any way, he would not hesitate. He was also a believer in God (trying a few different ways during his life !!).
When I saw his coffin in the church, huge in size because he had become so bloated through drink etc. I was devestated. When I stood up to read a few words about him and his life, the tears streamed.
I miss him still. And still ask myself what else we could have done.
Now, with my wife the way she is, I keep asking "Why me". I also ask why she would do this to me after seeing the pain I went through with Barry.
There are no real answers are there. She is an addict just like him and as an addict, this is par for the course.
The worst thing is that I know almost every step she is taking and her final destination if she keeps going.
Although I am no longer in love with her now, I still care deeply and find her degeneration hard to bare. It's the way I am and I can't help it.
The feelings of anger and contempt one minute and care and worry the next are so familiar. When you've had it before you know what's coming and live in dread. Sometimes it steels you and makes it easier, other times it just fuels the fires of fear.
Who said lighening doesn't strike twice.
Sometimes I feel I must have been Adolf Hitler and a dozen other despots in past lives and am now paying the price !!
But hey, the sun is shining and Spain is beautiful today so there is something to be thankful for !!
Love & Best wishes
Pete
My wife isn't the first Alcoholic I have had to deal with.
Just on 4yrs ago, my elder brother Barry at 50yrs old died after taking a parecetamol overdose in what appeared to be an effort to stop the pain of withdrawal. His liver simply couln't cope and his bodily functions just closed down one by one until he finally passed away.
Watching my dear brother slowly kill himself over a period of years was a truly harrowing experience for my family and I.
Seeing how truly unhappy he was inside was a killer. Cleaning up his mess, throwing him out of my aged mother's house because he was hammered, the list goes on.
He was, in reality, a brave man. He constantly fought his addiction and was considerate enough to try most of the time to hide the worst of it from those he new it would hurt.
He would spend periods of time with our mother but almost every time, when he could not stop the binge coming on, would leave her and return to his dingy little flate in Brighton and proceed to kill imself some more.
He was a very intelligent and kindly man too. Into philosophy and piled full of thoughts and oppinions. Probably too much so for his own good.
If he could do you a good turn or give you helping hand in any way, he would not hesitate. He was also a believer in God (trying a few different ways during his life !!).
When I saw his coffin in the church, huge in size because he had become so bloated through drink etc. I was devestated. When I stood up to read a few words about him and his life, the tears streamed.
I miss him still. And still ask myself what else we could have done.
Now, with my wife the way she is, I keep asking "Why me". I also ask why she would do this to me after seeing the pain I went through with Barry.
There are no real answers are there. She is an addict just like him and as an addict, this is par for the course.
The worst thing is that I know almost every step she is taking and her final destination if she keeps going.
Although I am no longer in love with her now, I still care deeply and find her degeneration hard to bare. It's the way I am and I can't help it.
The feelings of anger and contempt one minute and care and worry the next are so familiar. When you've had it before you know what's coming and live in dread. Sometimes it steels you and makes it easier, other times it just fuels the fires of fear.
Who said lighening doesn't strike twice.
Sometimes I feel I must have been Adolf Hitler and a dozen other despots in past lives and am now paying the price !!
But hey, the sun is shining and Spain is beautiful today so there is something to be thankful for !!
Love & Best wishes
Pete
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Sometimes I feel I must have been Adolf Hitler and a dozen other despots in past lives and am now paying the price !!
This is not an issue of bad karma and that you are paying for past mistakes. You have very clear choices that you can make. You are choosing to stay right where you are, to be despondent over your financial situation, to sit idly by and watch your children get sucked into the insanity of the alcoholic mind. You are doing nothing to help yourself or your children. For that reason alone, I can feel no sympathy towards you or your situation.
What is it going to take for you to remove yourself and your kids from this insanity?
The worst thing is that I know almost every step she is taking and her final destination if she keeps going
Now, with my wife the way she is, I keep asking "Why me". I also ask why she would do this to me after seeing the pain I went through with Barry.
But you Pete, well you do care obviously or you wouldn't be here. Personally I am very concerned about your daughter and your son. They are flailing, they are hanging on by a thread, trying to keep their head above water to just breathe and get through another day of insanity. You cannot place all the blame on your wife for their very unhappy childhoods the past few years. You are the sober parent, you are there to pick up the slack and it doesn't seem as if you are.
Both of your children are learning how to "not cope" by watching you. They are learning a coping mechanism from her and her coping mechanism is to drink lifes problems away, to drink away unhappiness, to drink away her life. Is that what you want your kids to be doing in their adult lives? I think not.
So Pete, start making decisions and start making choices on how to make a better life for YOU AND YOUR KIDS. Personally I want to hear about YOU and how YOU can go about doing this.
We've all lived with alcoholics, we know the devastation and destruction they leave in their wakes. Your story sadly is just like all of them here., like mine like everyone elses. So let's talk about YOU and how YOU can help YOURSELF and YOUR children.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by CBPete
My wife isn't the first Alcoholic I have had to deal with.
I'm not saying you should leave, just that this is cyclical and you will hear many similar stories to mine, (and yours). Our children learn from us, both the good and the bad.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Spain
Posts: 22
Well deserved Kick in the B***
Firstly, thanks for taking the time to read my post an replying.
Being essentially a newbie hear and never really having talked about these things before, I suppose I needed to get it all off my chest. Find out if I am alone in all this. See how much is normal and how much is not. I agree a tad maudling though. So enough of the wallowing.
What has quickly become clear and what is articulated so well in your post Judy is that the clock is ticking and it is time to wake up, smell the coffee and not her booze and accept the reality that she or we have to go.
I have already taken some legal advice and have now been told that it would be possible to have her removed from the home. She would then be essentially "on the street" and would, I believe, have no option but to return to the UK and friends/family there.
At the moment, the cost of doing this is prohibitive because of the financial situation.
The other alternative, is for the kids and I to leave the household and go rent somewhere else. This would leave her in the house, no way to pay the mortgage and whatever will be will be.
The fact that we are currently up the swanee with a broken paddle may make this all acedemic anyway. Perhaps a blessing in disguise. It's not the money that's important and hey, if I can help my kids become solid, balanced people, they can get rich and look after their poor old Dad in his old age !!
I am past being so hung up on what she will or could do to herself believe it or not. If she drinks herself into an early grave like my brother, I will be very sad but will NOT blame myself. This is all HER choice and NOT mine.
I also want and will have a life myself. I want another chance at a meaningful and fulfilling relationship wth a woman before I am too old (some regular physical therapy would be pretty cool to !!
).
At the end of the day, thanks for the kick in the butt. I know you are right and I recognise that I am sitting waiting for something to come along and save me from making the hard choices and taking the tough actions.
In doing this I recognise that I have actually encouraged both her condition and the kids detrioration.
I promise that I will now act.
The loss of a house is far, far less important than the potential loss of my kids and my wife's life belongs to her not me. Mine, however, does.
Sincere thanks even though my rear end hurts a little.
Pete
Being essentially a newbie hear and never really having talked about these things before, I suppose I needed to get it all off my chest. Find out if I am alone in all this. See how much is normal and how much is not. I agree a tad maudling though. So enough of the wallowing.
What has quickly become clear and what is articulated so well in your post Judy is that the clock is ticking and it is time to wake up, smell the coffee and not her booze and accept the reality that she or we have to go.
I have already taken some legal advice and have now been told that it would be possible to have her removed from the home. She would then be essentially "on the street" and would, I believe, have no option but to return to the UK and friends/family there.
At the moment, the cost of doing this is prohibitive because of the financial situation.
The other alternative, is for the kids and I to leave the household and go rent somewhere else. This would leave her in the house, no way to pay the mortgage and whatever will be will be.
The fact that we are currently up the swanee with a broken paddle may make this all acedemic anyway. Perhaps a blessing in disguise. It's not the money that's important and hey, if I can help my kids become solid, balanced people, they can get rich and look after their poor old Dad in his old age !!
I am past being so hung up on what she will or could do to herself believe it or not. If she drinks herself into an early grave like my brother, I will be very sad but will NOT blame myself. This is all HER choice and NOT mine.
I also want and will have a life myself. I want another chance at a meaningful and fulfilling relationship wth a woman before I am too old (some regular physical therapy would be pretty cool to !!
).At the end of the day, thanks for the kick in the butt. I know you are right and I recognise that I am sitting waiting for something to come along and save me from making the hard choices and taking the tough actions.
In doing this I recognise that I have actually encouraged both her condition and the kids detrioration.
I promise that I will now act.
The loss of a house is far, far less important than the potential loss of my kids and my wife's life belongs to her not me. Mine, however, does.
Sincere thanks even though my rear end hurts a little.
Pete
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Please know that we are all at different stages in our recovery.
I think many of us tend to wallow in the misery of it all Pete, at least initially. I know I did. For some, venting is the first step we take in making changes. By venting, we are admitting to our conscious minds that something is really wrong, we are unhappy, confused, hurting, scared....the list and range of emotions goes on and on. And that's fine as a first step. The key is not to wallow in it too long without taking positive, appropriate action, as tough as that may be to do.
What little things (baby steps) can you take today to make this situation healthier for you and your children? Maybe start by making a list of things that you can do right now, then start doing them one by one.
I think many of us tend to wallow in the misery of it all Pete, at least initially. I know I did. For some, venting is the first step we take in making changes. By venting, we are admitting to our conscious minds that something is really wrong, we are unhappy, confused, hurting, scared....the list and range of emotions goes on and on. And that's fine as a first step. The key is not to wallow in it too long without taking positive, appropriate action, as tough as that may be to do.
What little things (baby steps) can you take today to make this situation healthier for you and your children? Maybe start by making a list of things that you can do right now, then start doing them one by one.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
Pete,
I believe that spilling it all out is part of the recovery process. I know it helps me to put it all down, and read over it. It may help in purging us of the things that hold us back from change.
We don't always get the repsonses we thought we wanted, but that's ok too. Sometimes the response we want isn't the one we need.
For some of us this forum operates as a journal of our recovery process. You know you have people here who truly understand your situation and your pain.
Please keep posting.
I believe that spilling it all out is part of the recovery process. I know it helps me to put it all down, and read over it. It may help in purging us of the things that hold us back from change.
We don't always get the repsonses we thought we wanted, but that's ok too. Sometimes the response we want isn't the one we need.
For some of us this forum operates as a journal of our recovery process. You know you have people here who truly understand your situation and your pain.
Please keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Please understand, I certainly do not want you to go away, your situation is one that should be looked at and dealt with. It's rare to see me sugarcoat things and when I see kids hurting (by your own words) I get frustrated. Our children are our future, yours, mine and everyone elses. If we don't get the help we need to help our children, then we are allowing the cycle of insanity to continue to their kids and their kids kids.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Spain
Posts: 22
No one's leaving here !!
I genuinely appreciate Judy/ASpouse's posting. That type of honesty shows care and warmth in abundance and I value it VERY highly.
I hope I can be of help like that to somebody, some day.
THANK YOU JUDY !!!!! XXXXXXX
I genuinely appreciate Judy/ASpouse's posting. That type of honesty shows care and warmth in abundance and I value it VERY highly.
I hope I can be of help like that to somebody, some day.
THANK YOU JUDY !!!!! XXXXXXX
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
No, no, I was just thinking that Pete may feel my response was harsh and uncaring and I wanted to just say that I didn't want him to feel he needed to go away.
You're welcome Pete and although my "bluntness" is not appreciated by a lot of folks, I will try to keep it under control! LOL
You're welcome Pete and although my "bluntness" is not appreciated by a lot of folks, I will try to keep it under control! LOL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Well Pete, then you need to look at the situation and start at the beginning. Do not take on this entire nut all at one time. Sit and think what would be a logical first step for YOU and YOUR kids?
If it was me and my kids, I would sit and talk calmly to them about what you want to do. I would ask them to share their thoughts if it wasn't too difficult for them at this stage of the game. I would ask for their input and most importantly I would be honest and apologize for letting the situation get out of hand, but that you are wanting to make it right now. Do not leave them out of the loop so to speak. If they are able and if they are good intelligent children, let them be part of the recovery also.
If it was me and my kids, I would sit and talk calmly to them about what you want to do. I would ask them to share their thoughts if it wasn't too difficult for them at this stage of the game. I would ask for their input and most importantly I would be honest and apologize for letting the situation get out of hand, but that you are wanting to make it right now. Do not leave them out of the loop so to speak. If they are able and if they are good intelligent children, let them be part of the recovery also.
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