Addict Magnet

Hello. I am new to this forum and this is my first posting. I am here out of desperation . . . . .long story short, I come from an alcoholic family, and am divorced from an alcoholic man. Was not in a relationship for three years because I didn't trust myself to not pick another alcoholic/addict. Last winter I attended a Fisher Seminar (Divorce Recovery Class) at my church and out of the 8 people in the class there was only one who was not either alcoholic or an ex-spouse of an alcoholic (hence my forum name :-)

Anyway, I became very good friends with a man in the class who has been sober for ten years. After about three months of being friends and talking on the phone every day we talked about dating. I was hesitant because of his prior addiction, but in the end decided that I would give it a chance because I felt that 10 years was a good amount of time for him to have stayed sober. Two months into us dating he relapsed. He drank a few times over a two week period - he told me about it and stopped. He also takes muscle relaxers on occasion for back and shoulder problems (he has had multiple surgeries) which didn't bother me, except a couple of times he has taken 2 or 3 and it's like watching someone who is drunk. He doesn't act right and I don't like it. He says he needs them sometimes to ease the pain so he can sleep, but I know he also takes them during the day sometimes and I have told him I just can't be around him when he has taken more than one. He has told me that he is going to not take any more for a while and see if he can handle the pain without them.

Is that fair for me to even accept that? I am just so so confused I can't even think straight anymore.

I have a hard time trusting my feelings and need some advice from people who have been there before. I am torn between ending it now before I get even more attached to him and invested in the relationship, and sticking it out a little longer to see what happens.

Right now I just feel like giving up on him and on ever dating and being able to be with a healthy person. I'm starting to feel like it's just not meant to be for me, you know?

Thanks for listening (I know this post is way too long)

L

best

Welcome to SR.

Rather then using feelings, try some logic with your choices on this matter.

Relapse is possible for any of us.
His past is his past... what is he doing now?
Will you put up with a relapse if it happens 6 months after marriage?
I can't tell you what to do. I don't know the future.
I would say to just look at what is in the here and now and let what is seen guide your choices.

cmc

AM,
Hi, Welcome to SR! Please don't feel you have to apologise for the length of your thread. I don't have any answers for you except that it will help you to keep coming to SR. Read the stickys and as many threads/posts as you can.
There are so many others here in your situation- and many of us have found how to manage our lives independently of someone else's using/drinking.
Some may offer advice, but most will just share their own experiences and what things they did or did not do that helped. There is alot of hope shared here as well.
You are beginning to set some boundaries and standards for yourself, which is a huge part of what we learn in recovery! Whether you move on or continue with this relationship, the questions and comments you have made reveal that you can benefit from what is offered here! The decisions you must make will be difficult, but they are yours to make. One of the best things about sharing recovery is that there are no judgements made and alot of support offered.
It's nice to meet you.

LaTeeDa

You know, my counselor told me once that my husband was a huge distraction for me. Something I could focus on to avoid facing my own issues. At the time, I didn't really appreciate the magnitude of that statement. The more I learn, the more I realize how exactly on target she was. I was trained very early in life to be a codependent. My husband was just the latest person I was practicing it with. When I step back and look at my own behaviors and their origins, it's much easier to deal (or not) with the other people in my life.

Healthy people attract other healthy people. Unhealthy people attract other unhealthy people. When I focus on my own life, then it doesn't matter so much what others do or don't do, because I will be okay regardless of what happens with them.

Make sense?

L

denny57

Welcome to SR

I can't give you advice on whether to stay or go. I was married to my AH for 15 years (18 years together) and finally had to separate from him. We never had any sober time, so I can't comment on relapse, etc.

Besides attending the seminar, have you had any counseling and/or Al-Anon or other group therapy. I believe the more I learn about my own behaviors and how to change them, the better my chance of not repeating the same type of relationship with someone new. Please don't give up on yourself or the opportunity to share your life with someone else, if that is something you'd like for yourself.

Only you can decide if you want this relationship you have now. Learn all you can about addiction - I know the more informed I became the better I was able to make decisions that were right for me.

Keep reading and posting - glad you are here.

ICU

Welcome to SR Addict Magnet (love that name, but sorry you feel that way),

Looking back at the people that have been in my life, and the relationships that I've had, certainly make me feel this way too! So, I can definitely relate.

I think you are wise to question and pay attention to things that could be 'red flags'. It's good that you are tuned into that. For many of us, these are the things that we ignore in the beginning of relationships, but tend to realize once we look back in hindsight.

I think part of the issue is that there are just so many people out there that have these addiction problems, it would be difficult 'not' to run into them.

What to do? How to handle your situation? I'm sorry but I don't have any answers as I am running into the same issues myself. What I do know is that other peoples' issues belong to them, my issues belong to me. I can, and am working on myself (those 'magnet' issues) to make myself as healthy as possible. Hopefully, one day when I'm ready, I will be healthy enough to attract other healthy people. Maybe then the cycle will be broken. No guarantees though!

And no, I'm not ready to date yet as I ended a very unhealthy relationship not too long ago. But just to find 'friends' that don't have these issues is difficult as well. Like you, I want to surround myself around healthy people. Just wanted you to know you are not alone in thinking and feeling that way.

I'm sure others will come along soon to share their thoughts.

Again, welcome to SR. Keep coming back!!!