Made a decision........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Albuqureque, NM
Posts: 14
Made a decision........
I want off of the rollercoaster. I don't see things improving at all, in fact, they're getting worse and worse.
He's using meetings as an excuse to go out and use (coke and meth). Example: he left last night at 5 p.m. - said he was going to a meeting and would be back once it was over (he seemed like he was already on something, as he'd left and came back earlier in the day). He rolled in around 11:30 p.m. Didn't know meetings lasted that long. I pretended to be asleep when I heard him coming in. He left me alone and crashed on the couch, which is where he's been sleeping for the past several months.
My ten year old son kept watching the clock last night, asking me, "Mommy, where's Daddy?" and "When's Daddy coming home?". I'm trying to keep it together for my son - reassure him that everything's going to be okay.
But it's not okay. This morning he started calling me cuss names b/c I refused to let him take our son with him when he went out. I told him that I want to leave and go back home (where I'm from in PA...I'm in NM right now)...that I can't help him anymore....that I'm burnt out and that I need to work on me.
I have a bunch of other stuff going on right now that demands my attention (had mammogram and they found a mass, now my doc. wants me to see a breast specialist - and that's only one of the stressors I'm dealing with right now!). I feel lost, alone, and desperate to get out of here.
My best friend from back home is offering two rooms of her home for me and my son...I just have to get us and our stuff there. Wish I could just put me and my son in my car and just go - leaving everything behind...but it's hard enough to start all over again, without having to buy new stuff to replace what I'd left behind, all over again.
Our financial situation is not good at the moment. He's to the point where he's pawning things for drugs...I find the pawn slips when I do the laundry. There are shut-off notices every week.
I'm trying to be strong...realize his bait for arguments...remind myself that I'm not dealing with the man I love but his addiction and that all that's left is a shell of a man....refrain from going through his stuff to find out what he's REALLY been doing when he goes out every day...when he yells or snaps at me or calls me names, I try to be strong enough to remember that it's his addiction talking and to not get sucked into it....etc., etc., etc.
I've had to be so strong for so long. I feel like when I finally do get situated and get back to where I know it's safe, I will just let it all out and cry for days and days. But I'm even excited for that....just to finally let my guard down and just 'be'. To know that I don't have to watch my son like a hawk...to ensure he's safe (of course I'll still keep an eye on him, but you know what I mean).
Coming here DOES help - I read and re-read some of the posts to remind myself that *I* am okay and to stay the path. I would really, really feel lost without this forum right now - so thank you to all of you for being here!
He's using meetings as an excuse to go out and use (coke and meth). Example: he left last night at 5 p.m. - said he was going to a meeting and would be back once it was over (he seemed like he was already on something, as he'd left and came back earlier in the day). He rolled in around 11:30 p.m. Didn't know meetings lasted that long. I pretended to be asleep when I heard him coming in. He left me alone and crashed on the couch, which is where he's been sleeping for the past several months.
My ten year old son kept watching the clock last night, asking me, "Mommy, where's Daddy?" and "When's Daddy coming home?". I'm trying to keep it together for my son - reassure him that everything's going to be okay.
But it's not okay. This morning he started calling me cuss names b/c I refused to let him take our son with him when he went out. I told him that I want to leave and go back home (where I'm from in PA...I'm in NM right now)...that I can't help him anymore....that I'm burnt out and that I need to work on me.
I have a bunch of other stuff going on right now that demands my attention (had mammogram and they found a mass, now my doc. wants me to see a breast specialist - and that's only one of the stressors I'm dealing with right now!). I feel lost, alone, and desperate to get out of here.
My best friend from back home is offering two rooms of her home for me and my son...I just have to get us and our stuff there. Wish I could just put me and my son in my car and just go - leaving everything behind...but it's hard enough to start all over again, without having to buy new stuff to replace what I'd left behind, all over again.
Our financial situation is not good at the moment. He's to the point where he's pawning things for drugs...I find the pawn slips when I do the laundry. There are shut-off notices every week.
I'm trying to be strong...realize his bait for arguments...remind myself that I'm not dealing with the man I love but his addiction and that all that's left is a shell of a man....refrain from going through his stuff to find out what he's REALLY been doing when he goes out every day...when he yells or snaps at me or calls me names, I try to be strong enough to remember that it's his addiction talking and to not get sucked into it....etc., etc., etc.
I've had to be so strong for so long. I feel like when I finally do get situated and get back to where I know it's safe, I will just let it all out and cry for days and days. But I'm even excited for that....just to finally let my guard down and just 'be'. To know that I don't have to watch my son like a hawk...to ensure he's safe (of course I'll still keep an eye on him, but you know what I mean).
Coming here DOES help - I read and re-read some of the posts to remind myself that *I* am okay and to stay the path. I would really, really feel lost without this forum right now - so thank you to all of you for being here!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
((inthis))
I've been through that scare with the mammogram, too, and it occupied my entire mind. Hope that all turns out ok and will be thinking about you. When do you see the specialist? BTW mine was fine, and I pray yours is, too.
It's great your friend is offering you a place to stay. What "stuff" are you talking about taking? When I had an exit plan in place I found my important stuff was my old photos and some important books. I looked at it this way - all the other stuff was replaceable in time and my well-being was worth more than all of it. I didn't start out thinking that way, it was just as I really needed to look at the idea of escaping that I realized most of it didn't matter. My mind was in chaos and I clung to the stuff as a security blanket. I don't know if this is true for you.
Stay strong, take care and I wish the best to come for both you and your son.
I've been through that scare with the mammogram, too, and it occupied my entire mind. Hope that all turns out ok and will be thinking about you. When do you see the specialist? BTW mine was fine, and I pray yours is, too.
It's great your friend is offering you a place to stay. What "stuff" are you talking about taking? When I had an exit plan in place I found my important stuff was my old photos and some important books. I looked at it this way - all the other stuff was replaceable in time and my well-being was worth more than all of it. I didn't start out thinking that way, it was just as I really needed to look at the idea of escaping that I realized most of it didn't matter. My mind was in chaos and I clung to the stuff as a security blanket. I don't know if this is true for you.
Stay strong, take care and I wish the best to come for both you and your son.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Albuqureque, NM
Posts: 14
I'm waiting to hear back from the specialist, as to when they can get an appointment made for me to see her.
I am clinging to my stuff for some kind of security. I know it's dumb, but I keep thinking that my son should be able to take his bed and all of his things b/c he's already been through so much as it is...and then I tell myself that.........nvrmd...I just feel silly even writing it now that I'm thinking about it all. You're right.
It's just hard - to walk through my house and look at my things and try and decide what to take...or not.
I am clinging to my stuff for some kind of security. I know it's dumb, but I keep thinking that my son should be able to take his bed and all of his things b/c he's already been through so much as it is...and then I tell myself that.........nvrmd...I just feel silly even writing it now that I'm thinking about it all. You're right.
It's just hard - to walk through my house and look at my things and try and decide what to take...or not.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by inthisforkeeps
It's just hard - to walk through my house and look at my things and try and decide what to take...or not.
Live brings up a good point. Maybe one of your options will be to get some of your stuff into storage and get it later. It may seem overwhelming now, but you will work something out.
((()))
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Inthisforkeeps...
Welcome to SR. I'm in the process of moving from Cali to Canada to raise my grandson, who was taken from his junkie mom (my daughter) in May. I was getting rid of everything, but then decided to hang on to some of my things, so for the past 2 mths, I've been boxing things up and mailing em...kinda expensive....but you know, you get attached to small things, but I've found....doing it over a period of time....Im down to bare essentials now....things I can leave behind...and the things I love will be waiting for me there. I'm sure there are cheaper ways than US postal...but because I am shipping across a border, had to do it this way. As far as the big stuff, you might be screwed...but hey...that's why they have garage sales...lol. Try looking online at the trains....or greyhound...I know you can ship stuff cross country on em. I also put out feelers with old friends telling em I will have no furniture...so if they know anyone re-decorating...I'll take whatever I can get. And you would be surprised how many people have stuff they want to get rid of, and just haven't had the chance. I'm pretty well set now for kitchen table and chairs, couch, bed for my grandson...and still workin on it.
Best of luck to you. I think getting out of the chaos will be the most healthy for you and your son!!!
Keep posting.....we're all in this together.
Welcome to SR. I'm in the process of moving from Cali to Canada to raise my grandson, who was taken from his junkie mom (my daughter) in May. I was getting rid of everything, but then decided to hang on to some of my things, so for the past 2 mths, I've been boxing things up and mailing em...kinda expensive....but you know, you get attached to small things, but I've found....doing it over a period of time....Im down to bare essentials now....things I can leave behind...and the things I love will be waiting for me there. I'm sure there are cheaper ways than US postal...but because I am shipping across a border, had to do it this way. As far as the big stuff, you might be screwed...but hey...that's why they have garage sales...lol. Try looking online at the trains....or greyhound...I know you can ship stuff cross country on em. I also put out feelers with old friends telling em I will have no furniture...so if they know anyone re-decorating...I'll take whatever I can get. And you would be surprised how many people have stuff they want to get rid of, and just haven't had the chance. I'm pretty well set now for kitchen table and chairs, couch, bed for my grandson...and still workin on it.
Best of luck to you. I think getting out of the chaos will be the most healthy for you and your son!!!
Keep posting.....we're all in this together.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Albuqureque, NM
Posts: 14
Everything that you've all said here clicks with me. On one hand, I know that whatever I leave behind (our new living room furniture, the t.v.'s, etc.) he will pawn for drugs once I leave and those things *are* expensive to re-buy. On the other hand, those things aren't all that important to me. I do, however, have lots of stuff that does really matter to me...I'm a book collector and have tons of books, my computer, my clothes, my plants, little doodads that have sentimental value, etc.
I have a cousin who drives truck cross-country...his sister, my other cousin, is going to try to get into touch with him and see if he'd be willing to throw my stuff in the back of his truck on his way back through and then my son and I could just follow him in my car.
But I'm also being realistic - if he can't (b/c of his employer and insurance purposes, etc.) then I might be forced to decide what to keep or not. I cannot afford to ship stuff back...not even the cheapest of ways. I'll be lucky if I can come up with the gas money to drive all 2,000 miles to get back there, as it is (I was dumb and let my addict husband control our finances). So I'm looking at other options.
I might be able to scrape enough together to rent a 5'X8' u-haul trailor to hitch onto my car...that would allow enough room to squeeze all of my son's things, plus the stuff I just can't allow myself to leave behind. But there will be no room for furniture and things like that....so the yard sales and the goodness of friends will be the only way to rebuild, at first. But I'm okay with that......
I have a cousin who drives truck cross-country...his sister, my other cousin, is going to try to get into touch with him and see if he'd be willing to throw my stuff in the back of his truck on his way back through and then my son and I could just follow him in my car.
But I'm also being realistic - if he can't (b/c of his employer and insurance purposes, etc.) then I might be forced to decide what to keep or not. I cannot afford to ship stuff back...not even the cheapest of ways. I'll be lucky if I can come up with the gas money to drive all 2,000 miles to get back there, as it is (I was dumb and let my addict husband control our finances). So I'm looking at other options.
I might be able to scrape enough together to rent a 5'X8' u-haul trailor to hitch onto my car...that would allow enough room to squeeze all of my son's things, plus the stuff I just can't allow myself to leave behind. But there will be no room for furniture and things like that....so the yard sales and the goodness of friends will be the only way to rebuild, at first. But I'm okay with that......
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I have a cousin who drives truck cross-country...his sister, my other cousin, is going to try to get into touch with him and see if he'd be willing to throw my stuff in the back of his truck on his way back through and then my son and I could just follow him in my car.
I paid the majority of all the things he got, but would not trade it for the world. Sometimes "downsizing" is not such a bad thing. In fact, I've felt it quite liberating. I understand how you want to keep your sentimental things and all of that stuff will fit into that little U-Haul if necessary. Don't sweat the bigger stuff though sweetie. It's all replaceable and how much is say a "couch" worth your sanity??? Best of luck honey and it will come together for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
I haven't gone back on your posts, but have you called the shelters, they might have suggestions, also check crisis line for suggestions. , best to research everything.
Most lawyers will answer a few questions for free. Call and see how many ofter a free hr, or half hr. Just suggestions.
If you attend Al-anon ask what lawyers favor or understand women married to alcoholics.
Take care, but do gather info.
Most lawyers will answer a few questions for free. Call and see how many ofter a free hr, or half hr. Just suggestions.
If you attend Al-anon ask what lawyers favor or understand women married to alcoholics.
Take care, but do gather info.
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: West Vancouver, BC
Posts: 405
Very good point Zoey - I'm in Canada, but there may be ramifications for taking a child across state lines...Women's shelters would know about this and how to get around things, or who to contact so you can protect your rights....and avoid any hassles with him later.
Take care..This is a brave decision to take care of yourself..You are no longer with the man you loved..You are with & relating to the drug . Janni
Take care..This is a brave decision to take care of yourself..You are no longer with the man you loved..You are with & relating to the drug . Janni
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Albuqureque, NM
Posts: 14
The only silver lining to my mess is that I do have sole custody of my son....got that years ago and since it hasn't been modified, it still stands (I did call around, to be sure).
The update is that I'm going to stay with my cousin in TX for the time being - get a job and earn the money to take me the rest of the way home. She and her husband are going way out of their way to help me and my son - I will be forever grateful for that (I haven't even seen her since I was four years old!)!!!
The update is that I'm going to stay with my cousin in TX for the time being - get a job and earn the money to take me the rest of the way home. She and her husband are going way out of their way to help me and my son - I will be forever grateful for that (I haven't even seen her since I was four years old!)!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Another bit of info, if you are driving very far and need some help ever, go to the police station and ask how to contact the Salvation Army. I think they might be a big help. I think any church might help also.
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: West Vancouver, BC
Posts: 405
Great Idea Zoey !!! They could also maybe lead you to a womans shelter if you can't afford a motel..there might be extra space...There is usually a food bank in most towns too..and many churchs will help you out if you just tell them your story..no strings attached...I couldn't believe it when a friend of mine gave her church my name while I was trying to get back to work - they gave me a ck for $150 - two times !!!!!!! NO STRINGS !!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by inthisforkeeps
The update is that I'm going to stay with my cousin in TX for the time being - get a job and earn the money to take me the rest of the way home. She and her husband are going way out of their way to help me and my son - I will be forever grateful for that (I haven't even seen her since I was four years old!)!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by inthisforkeeps
The only silver lining to my mess is that I do have sole custody of my son....got that years ago and since it hasn't been modified, it still stands (I did call around, to be sure).
The update is that I'm going to stay with my cousin in TX for the time being - get a job and earn the money to take me the rest of the way home. She and her husband are going way out of their way to help me and my son - I will be forever grateful for that (I haven't even seen her since I was four years old!)!!!
The update is that I'm going to stay with my cousin in TX for the time being - get a job and earn the money to take me the rest of the way home. She and her husband are going way out of their way to help me and my son - I will be forever grateful for that (I haven't even seen her since I was four years old!)!!!
ITFK: I see a few miracles in this situation. Hope things are going better for you and things fall into place. Glad you have gotten so many good suggestions! I am sure this post of yours will also help and encourage many other people in your position,too.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Also, if you are short on cash and not able to take some of those material things with you, why not sell or pawn them for the cash for you and your son - why should the "A" in your life be the only one to get the money out of your material things?
Hate to sound cold and heartless, but I've been there without the money and I was the one working 2 jobs, so why leave a TV, VCR, DVD, CD player or radio to just go to somebody's habit when it could go for gas money or food? Don't forget you can take care of you and your son -
Just my thoughts -
Good luck on the move - Stay in touch,
Rita
Hate to sound cold and heartless, but I've been there without the money and I was the one working 2 jobs, so why leave a TV, VCR, DVD, CD player or radio to just go to somebody's habit when it could go for gas money or food? Don't forget you can take care of you and your son -
Just my thoughts -
Good luck on the move - Stay in touch,
Rita
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I'm so happy to hear that your cousin will be helping you out during this tough time. I owe a lot to my family as well who supported me wholeheartedly in my divorce from XAH. It's so comforting to know that you have that support. Best of luck to you and I can't wait to hear of your life after you get to TX!! 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Albuqureque, NM
Posts: 14
Thank you SO much - to all of you - for your advice, your kindness, your words of wisdom during this time - and for your strength! It is very difficult to stay focused/centered right now, as my head's spinning a mile a minute...I feel like there's a constant lump in my throat...I'm not even sleep at night...but I know this is the right thing to do for me and my son.
Today I've written letters to all of the utilities that were in my name to advise them of a shut-off date and to forward my new address for the final bills, contacted doctors, triple-A, the insurance company, and hit up monster.com to send out quite a few resumes for the job search.
My cousin is going to rent a u-haul and drive the ten hours here to help load up our stuff and drive us to her house in TX...when I tell her. I gotta find out his (the addict in my life) work schedule so that it can be done when he's not home, though I did tell him that I am leaving, b/c I don't want any altercations, especially with our son present.
My son and I should be out of here within two weeks. The unknowns are scary, but I figure it can't be any worse than how life's been while living with an active addict. It's just time to move on and LIVE.
Btw; I've been reading a book by Eckhert Tolle called, "The Power of Now" - it's on the 'spiritual' side, but there's mention of addiction and codependency in there that I felt made it worthy of mentioning here...it's a GREAT read!
Much luv and peace to you all - I'll stay in touch when I can!
Today I've written letters to all of the utilities that were in my name to advise them of a shut-off date and to forward my new address for the final bills, contacted doctors, triple-A, the insurance company, and hit up monster.com to send out quite a few resumes for the job search.
My cousin is going to rent a u-haul and drive the ten hours here to help load up our stuff and drive us to her house in TX...when I tell her. I gotta find out his (the addict in my life) work schedule so that it can be done when he's not home, though I did tell him that I am leaving, b/c I don't want any altercations, especially with our son present.
My son and I should be out of here within two weeks. The unknowns are scary, but I figure it can't be any worse than how life's been while living with an active addict. It's just time to move on and LIVE.
Btw; I've been reading a book by Eckhert Tolle called, "The Power of Now" - it's on the 'spiritual' side, but there's mention of addiction and codependency in there that I felt made it worthy of mentioning here...it's a GREAT read!
Much luv and peace to you all - I'll stay in touch when I can!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
