Depression Sucks
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Depression Sucks
Well, today was day 28. I'm planning to collect my 30 day chip on Sunday. Oh boy.
After the alcohol worked its way out my system, the depression started hitting me. Bottom line is I remember now why I used to drink so much.
At first it came as an acute, severe, overwhelming, crushing kind of thing that got so bad I even missed work over it, ("mental health" day). It was hitting me about once a week, (which was my usual binge cycle).
Now it seems to be settling in as a constant, aching, ever-present darkness that weighs heavily on my heart. "Futile" is word that comes to mind as is "hopeless". I'm expecting the acuteness to still cycle on a weekly basis, although perhaps the severity will lessen somewhat as things stabilize into a constant, thick layer of fatalistic funk.
The pain is constant so long as I'm conscious with only brief periods of respite. Its like I'm mired in the anguish even though I don't have a hangover, (and where was the "joy" from the night before?).
A part of me chuckles at that South Park episode and the thought of writing reams of "Goth Poems".
Another part of me wonders if the depression stabilizing into a constant smear of pain is actually a good thing. Perhaps it means that, since I'm forced to face it, and experience it minute by minute, perhaps eventually it'll lift. Maybe I'll find some way to live with it and it'll go away and I'll be able to find some joy and delight in life again.
Or maybe that's just wishful thinking since experience show that the same patterns just keep repeating over and over in my life no matter what I do.
Whatever.
In any case, I won't be drinking over it.
Thanks for letting me vent.
After the alcohol worked its way out my system, the depression started hitting me. Bottom line is I remember now why I used to drink so much.
At first it came as an acute, severe, overwhelming, crushing kind of thing that got so bad I even missed work over it, ("mental health" day). It was hitting me about once a week, (which was my usual binge cycle).
Now it seems to be settling in as a constant, aching, ever-present darkness that weighs heavily on my heart. "Futile" is word that comes to mind as is "hopeless". I'm expecting the acuteness to still cycle on a weekly basis, although perhaps the severity will lessen somewhat as things stabilize into a constant, thick layer of fatalistic funk.
The pain is constant so long as I'm conscious with only brief periods of respite. Its like I'm mired in the anguish even though I don't have a hangover, (and where was the "joy" from the night before?).
A part of me chuckles at that South Park episode and the thought of writing reams of "Goth Poems".
Another part of me wonders if the depression stabilizing into a constant smear of pain is actually a good thing. Perhaps it means that, since I'm forced to face it, and experience it minute by minute, perhaps eventually it'll lift. Maybe I'll find some way to live with it and it'll go away and I'll be able to find some joy and delight in life again.
Or maybe that's just wishful thinking since experience show that the same patterns just keep repeating over and over in my life no matter what I do.
Whatever.
In any case, I won't be drinking over it.
Thanks for letting me vent.
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: West Vancouver, BC
Posts: 405
I drank to Kill my Feelings
Hi Green Tea !!!
I Hear you !!!!! New sobriety I very strange and painful...I drank to dull and obliterate my feelings..When I stopped drinking and using - all of a sudden I had feelings - What the heck were they ??? I couldn't even Identify them..Mostly they were pain & guilt..I even felt guilty if I started to feel a little happy...My saving grace was a wonderful Sponsor and an Addictions Counsellor who taught me what my feelings were & how to handle them..to understand that I could feel them and that they would pass...
I would try NOT to feel them and that would make me stay STUCK in them...
I realized that when I went to a meeting or called a girlfriend in recovery, my mood would change....This too will pass
Janni
I Hear you !!!!! New sobriety I very strange and painful...I drank to dull and obliterate my feelings..When I stopped drinking and using - all of a sudden I had feelings - What the heck were they ??? I couldn't even Identify them..Mostly they were pain & guilt..I even felt guilty if I started to feel a little happy...My saving grace was a wonderful Sponsor and an Addictions Counsellor who taught me what my feelings were & how to handle them..to understand that I could feel them and that they would pass...
I would try NOT to feel them and that would make me stay STUCK in them...
I realized that when I went to a meeting or called a girlfriend in recovery, my mood would change....This too will pass
Janni
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi Green Tea,
It is really hard experiencing all the emotions we've been medicating away with alcohol. But, it's the only way to get through it. Deal with the emotions and move on. It might be that the depression lifts, since you are still relatively early in recovery. For me, years of depression caused the drinking to start and I wasn't able to get sober until I got the depression properly treated. But, for now you're doing great and I hope you feel better soon.
It is really hard experiencing all the emotions we've been medicating away with alcohol. But, it's the only way to get through it. Deal with the emotions and move on. It might be that the depression lifts, since you are still relatively early in recovery. For me, years of depression caused the drinking to start and I wasn't able to get sober until I got the depression properly treated. But, for now you're doing great and I hope you feel better soon.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
30 days is pretty much a bench mark point for the emotional nose dive. I remember when I became overcome with the feeling of great sadness, pain, angst and the fear of impending doom. I really didn't really have a reason why I felt this way. I was sober and grateful to be that way, so my blues didn't really make much sense to me. There was nothing I could put my finger on as to where they came from. They just showed up one day.
We are learning to feel again. I tried to shut down all my emotions and tried not to feel anything. I tried to drink everything away, but it only made me feel worse. Drinking brought out my anger, my resentments and I stewed and fumed. The next day I would feel anxious, shame, guilt and sick. It was a futile cycle.
It will get better. If it doesn't, see you Dr. and discuss it. The few months of sobriety can be quite an unpleasant roller coaster ride of confusion and emotions. Don't let it lead you back into the trap.
We are learning to feel again. I tried to shut down all my emotions and tried not to feel anything. I tried to drink everything away, but it only made me feel worse. Drinking brought out my anger, my resentments and I stewed and fumed. The next day I would feel anxious, shame, guilt and sick. It was a futile cycle.
It will get better. If it doesn't, see you Dr. and discuss it. The few months of sobriety can be quite an unpleasant roller coaster ride of confusion and emotions. Don't let it lead you back into the trap.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Depression is why I started AA recovery.
I was very fortunate as my depression left
at 3 or so months sober.
I certainly hope this will be true for you too.
Take care...I am so pleased to see you are staying
in focus!!
I was very fortunate as my depression left
at 3 or so months sober.
I certainly hope this will be true for you too.
Take care...I am so pleased to see you are staying
in focus!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: brandon man, canada
Posts: 258
Hello nice to see your sharing your feelings with us believe me it helps alot and congrats on your 30days commin.You know you wrote about me thats me your writing about how did you know.I was like that and i am still like that once in a while now but it does go away.I think alot of else are depressed for the first little while,while we fight the sober fight.If you do your step 4 and 5 in A.A it helps to releave thoses feelings and slowly but surely we get stronger.I used to drink at one time because i was depressed or i thought it was a good excuse to get drunk.Good luck my friend you will get over it.If it last to long talk to your doctor i did and he gave me meds to help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Big Woods
Posts: 521
Been watching you progress and wrestle your mind through this, and so highly commend you in your determination and focus to follow a saner path, find a better way to live. Changing course seems like swimming against the current, though when you're being rushed out to sea for a certain drowning it gives the fight against that flow purpose. Especially when you can see a calmer lake just upstream a ways...a place where you don't have to fight the current (of addiction) so hard, and can enjoy the peace found therein.
It's still a concept I'm working toward as well. Still swimming upstream, fighting the current that wants me to follow along with it, out to sea to drown. Sometimes the fight wears us down, and that's a dangerous point, worth recognizing for what it is. It's at those weakest moments we can either hang on, or lose ground. And if we hang on, and learn from the experience, next time we meet that same resistence we'll know better how to deal with it. It's a slow steady learning and growth process. Nothing remains the same. You're not stuck in an eternal repeating pattern, every time you do learn from every experience. It's what we DO with the experience and learning that determines how quickly we can proceed ahead, or not.
Such is why it's so important to keep looking, keep thinking, keep analyzing. I'm glad you're here processing through this Green Tea, I see much of myself in your struggles, thinking on them objectively helps me see myself more clearly, and what I need to do. We all learn from each other that way.
It's still a concept I'm working toward as well. Still swimming upstream, fighting the current that wants me to follow along with it, out to sea to drown. Sometimes the fight wears us down, and that's a dangerous point, worth recognizing for what it is. It's at those weakest moments we can either hang on, or lose ground. And if we hang on, and learn from the experience, next time we meet that same resistence we'll know better how to deal with it. It's a slow steady learning and growth process. Nothing remains the same. You're not stuck in an eternal repeating pattern, every time you do learn from every experience. It's what we DO with the experience and learning that determines how quickly we can proceed ahead, or not.
Such is why it's so important to keep looking, keep thinking, keep analyzing. I'm glad you're here processing through this Green Tea, I see much of myself in your struggles, thinking on them objectively helps me see myself more clearly, and what I need to do. We all learn from each other that way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 224
Morning GT, and cong. on your 30 days coming up..that is really great..and very hard to do, but you have done it, and that says a whole lot about you..I can relate to what you are feeling right now though..i have been in such a state the last couple of months, and i can't quite figure it out either..it comes and goes, although it comes more often than it goes..i talked this over with another, and it is like going through a grieving process, well, for me anyways, and since i have never dealt with feeling of that sort or any sort for that matter without alcohol, i have to assume that i am feeling some depression..hard to realize that all these years whom you thought was your "best friend" turned out to be your "worst enemy" and you had to leave them behind..i find myself with no motivation, lack of interest in anything, and have to make myself get off the couch, and when i do, i get upset..i want to put my mind somewhere that is untouchable..the insanity of being an alcoholic..so, i am begining anew today, and going to get out of my house and actually try to have a productive day..i haven't even been coming to SR the last couple of days, and today, when i did, the first two posts that i read, yours being the second, seems to have assured me that i am not alone in my disease and that i am not alone in these feelings that i am having..so, i hope it gets better for you and thank you for sharing, you really did help me this morning..i will keep you as all others here at SR in my thoughts, and thank you all for making today (among many others) a better day for me, a day that i know i can stay sober..Thanks for letting me share with you..
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
I remember how crazy I felt at 30 days sober, then at 90 days, 6 months, 1 year, 18 months. Something about these tend to trigger crazy thinking for me and for lots of others who I have talked to.
Having said that, is it possible that there is a medical, chemical imbalance that you're dealing with as well. Is it possible that you've been depressed and drinking was a way of self-medicating? I guess what I'm asking is have you seen a doctor about possible depression? I know that I have a chemical imbalance and am prescribed anti-depressants to correct that. It runs in my family, I have members that have depression as well as a sister and a son who are bi-polar. There is no shame in seeking medical help.
My sponsor was put on anti-depressants short term to level her out in early sobriety (about 14 years ago). We are not doctors here but I did want to throw this out as a possibility. It might not be just the fact of not having alcohol, it could be that you need medical help. A medical doctor who is aware of your history and what you are doing should be able to help you figure it out.
Hugs,
Kellye
Having said that, is it possible that there is a medical, chemical imbalance that you're dealing with as well. Is it possible that you've been depressed and drinking was a way of self-medicating? I guess what I'm asking is have you seen a doctor about possible depression? I know that I have a chemical imbalance and am prescribed anti-depressants to correct that. It runs in my family, I have members that have depression as well as a sister and a son who are bi-polar. There is no shame in seeking medical help.
My sponsor was put on anti-depressants short term to level her out in early sobriety (about 14 years ago). We are not doctors here but I did want to throw this out as a possibility. It might not be just the fact of not having alcohol, it could be that you need medical help. A medical doctor who is aware of your history and what you are doing should be able to help you figure it out.
Hugs,
Kellye
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Thanks for all the good replies people. They help.
Today is better than yesterday, but that doesn't say anything about tomorrow when it comes to me.
The kind of doctor I probably need is a shrink. These acute depressive feelings I have, I've had pretty much my whole life -- certainly long before I ever started drinking.
There was a Nanny-911 episode on once, and the nanny was talking about how this kid was walking around with a broken heart. That was a big part of my childhood, and no one noticed or gave a crap. "Oh, he's just weird -- you don't want to talk to him"
There's a lot of things I didn't learn growing up, and I guess it only continued and repeated as I became an adult. There's a lot of socialization that I simply didn't learn. By the time early H.S. rolled around, I used to get beat up daily and the teachers never gave a crap -- I lived with a lot of terror back then. Come home with a partially dislocated shoulder and mom's only comment was why hadn't I taken out the garabage yet? She start charging me rent at age 15 when I was old enough to get a work permit, (and told me straight-up that she wasn't going to charge the girls and that I wasn't allowed to talk about it to anyone just cough up the cash or get the f*ck out).
My folks split when I was four (father was an alcoholic wife-beater -- me trying to stop him earned me my first concussion). Older sister tried to kill me a number of times growing up, to include trying to bash my brains in with a baseball bat when I was in first grade -- to this day she still tells lies about me and turns the family against me. Don't get me started on mom and step-dad. I think she saw me as a diminutive version of my father and used me to take out her issues with him without realizing it (I'm her only son). As for the other, well, let's just say that everyone loves little girls, but a little boy is just some other @sshole's evil hell spawn.
Yeah, this is a lot more information than I should probably be sharing on an open post, but what friggin' difference does it make anyway?
Yep. I remember why I used to drink so much. Sometimes I think I should just check myself into an asylum. The "lager institute" didn't seem to work too well for me.
Sorry for bringing you down, folks. I'll shut up now. Thanks for the encouraging replies.
Today is better than yesterday, but that doesn't say anything about tomorrow when it comes to me.
The kind of doctor I probably need is a shrink. These acute depressive feelings I have, I've had pretty much my whole life -- certainly long before I ever started drinking.
There was a Nanny-911 episode on once, and the nanny was talking about how this kid was walking around with a broken heart. That was a big part of my childhood, and no one noticed or gave a crap. "Oh, he's just weird -- you don't want to talk to him"
There's a lot of things I didn't learn growing up, and I guess it only continued and repeated as I became an adult. There's a lot of socialization that I simply didn't learn. By the time early H.S. rolled around, I used to get beat up daily and the teachers never gave a crap -- I lived with a lot of terror back then. Come home with a partially dislocated shoulder and mom's only comment was why hadn't I taken out the garabage yet? She start charging me rent at age 15 when I was old enough to get a work permit, (and told me straight-up that she wasn't going to charge the girls and that I wasn't allowed to talk about it to anyone just cough up the cash or get the f*ck out).
My folks split when I was four (father was an alcoholic wife-beater -- me trying to stop him earned me my first concussion). Older sister tried to kill me a number of times growing up, to include trying to bash my brains in with a baseball bat when I was in first grade -- to this day she still tells lies about me and turns the family against me. Don't get me started on mom and step-dad. I think she saw me as a diminutive version of my father and used me to take out her issues with him without realizing it (I'm her only son). As for the other, well, let's just say that everyone loves little girls, but a little boy is just some other @sshole's evil hell spawn.
Yeah, this is a lot more information than I should probably be sharing on an open post, but what friggin' difference does it make anyway?
Yep. I remember why I used to drink so much. Sometimes I think I should just check myself into an asylum. The "lager institute" didn't seem to work too well for me.
Sorry for bringing you down, folks. I'll shut up now. Thanks for the encouraging replies.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
Thanks for sharing that with us GT. And NO you don't have to shut up. We listen and care here. I can see you have been conditioned to feel as if you can not speak out or voice your opinion. It is okay here. In fact we encourage it. Many of us have issues stemming from our childhood. Ozzie and Harriet do not exist as far as I am concerned. I think going to a counselor or therapist would be an excellent idea. It seems as if there have been some deep seeded myths/issues instilled in you since you were young. Time to dispel them, don't you think? This is about you and getting you well. Release the pain and move forward to be happy and free. I know it isn't easy, but it is the only way to be completely free from our past. We are friends and supporters here, not here to put you down or diminish you. From your short post I get that is what you are used to. I also get that you are a very intelligent creative person. Time to let that aspect shine. Shine on...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: home of the liquid sunshine-Florida
Posts: 294
GT, sharing that may very well help you in your jourbey of sobriety. Absolutely, I know I turned to alcohol to avoid facing things from my past, I know MANY of us do that. As muse says, it is noy uncommon for that to be a factor.
Thank you sooo much for sharing that, I know its hard sometimes to let people know intimate details like that.
If the depression does not get better, I would also suggest a dr. There are some good medications for depression these days. I, myself, have to go for ADHD with a little depression. self diagnose much? of course we do and self medicate,aswell. Those days are over, though. On to the dr I go for a legit RX. Best to you
Star
Thank you sooo much for sharing that, I know its hard sometimes to let people know intimate details like that.
If the depression does not get better, I would also suggest a dr. There are some good medications for depression these days. I, myself, have to go for ADHD with a little depression. self diagnose much? of course we do and self medicate,aswell. Those days are over, though. On to the dr I go for a legit RX. Best to you
Star
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
