Let the chips fall where they may
Acting not reacting
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Let the chips fall where they may
As long as the alcoholic/addict has their enabling devices in place, it is easy for them to continue in the disease and deny that they have a problem--- most of his/her problems are being solved by someone else.
Only when he/she is forced to face the consequences of his/her own actions, will it finally begin to sink in how deep the problem has become.
You are not the cause of someone else's drinking/using......you cannot cure it.....and you can't control it!
No matter how difficult it may be, you have to remove yourself from the disease process and let the "chips fall where they may".
Tough Love is what is needed. If the alcoholic/addict spends all his/her money on using and can't pay the light bill, let them sit in the dark. No more bail money. No more calling in sick for them. If they want to use alcohol/drugs--so be it--but no longer will they use you. Don't drag them into the house after they have passed out in the yard. The shame of waking up in the front yard the next morning belongs to the alcoholic/addict, not you. If you keep putting pillows under him/her when they fall, they will never feel the pain of falling. If their use doesn't become painful, due to your efforts to protect him/her, why should he/she ever stop?
http://www.tpoftampa.com/html/progra...ily_resources/
Only when he/she is forced to face the consequences of his/her own actions, will it finally begin to sink in how deep the problem has become.
You are not the cause of someone else's drinking/using......you cannot cure it.....and you can't control it!
No matter how difficult it may be, you have to remove yourself from the disease process and let the "chips fall where they may".
Tough Love is what is needed. If the alcoholic/addict spends all his/her money on using and can't pay the light bill, let them sit in the dark. No more bail money. No more calling in sick for them. If they want to use alcohol/drugs--so be it--but no longer will they use you. Don't drag them into the house after they have passed out in the yard. The shame of waking up in the front yard the next morning belongs to the alcoholic/addict, not you. If you keep putting pillows under him/her when they fall, they will never feel the pain of falling. If their use doesn't become painful, due to your efforts to protect him/her, why should he/she ever stop?
http://www.tpoftampa.com/html/progra...ily_resources/
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Amen to that Sarah and so true! Based on the sound of XAH's voice on the phone yesterday, I think he may just now be starting to feel the pain his drinking/drugging has inflicted upon his life. It's too late for US, but maybe not for him if he can get sober. As for me, I'm living life and am happy to not be in the middle of HIS battle. Thanks for posting this as a reminder to us all.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Yes Yes Yes!
Amen sister!
If there is one thing I wish I would have learned/embraced 18 years ago t his would be the thing!
NOt only are we helping them by not enabling them, we are truly setting ourselves free. I hope others reading this can set themselves free and not wait 12+ years like I did.
This can be a tough one to comprehend though, becuase I remember thinking well, if the electricity gets shut off, it affects me and the kiddos too. So, that is when you have to have a plan. A plan of taking over the bills to protect yourself and your kiddos. If you have to see a counselor/mediator to help then do so. Instead of not talking about it, becuase it is a difficult subject ... go to a restaurant where tempers are less likely to flair, and say "I have a difficult subject to discuss...I am concerned that alcohol/drugs are becoming a high priority in your life and I would like to take over paying the bills. I believe this arrangement will help the entire family" I would have a spreadsheet or list of the bills, $ amounts, due dates, etc so you can show your A you have this well thought out and why X dollar amount every pay day will work. Give them the responsibility for their own car payment or whatever else that doesn't have your name on it.
Geez, sorry for the book... but I just remember thinking there is NO WAY I can stop enabling him because this family need his paycheck! Yes, just another excuse.
Thanks for bringing this subject up... it is a good reminder!
If there is one thing I wish I would have learned/embraced 18 years ago t his would be the thing!
NOt only are we helping them by not enabling them, we are truly setting ourselves free. I hope others reading this can set themselves free and not wait 12+ years like I did.
This can be a tough one to comprehend though, becuase I remember thinking well, if the electricity gets shut off, it affects me and the kiddos too. So, that is when you have to have a plan. A plan of taking over the bills to protect yourself and your kiddos. If you have to see a counselor/mediator to help then do so. Instead of not talking about it, becuase it is a difficult subject ... go to a restaurant where tempers are less likely to flair, and say "I have a difficult subject to discuss...I am concerned that alcohol/drugs are becoming a high priority in your life and I would like to take over paying the bills. I believe this arrangement will help the entire family" I would have a spreadsheet or list of the bills, $ amounts, due dates, etc so you can show your A you have this well thought out and why X dollar amount every pay day will work. Give them the responsibility for their own car payment or whatever else that doesn't have your name on it.
Geez, sorry for the book... but I just remember thinking there is NO WAY I can stop enabling him because this family need his paycheck! Yes, just another excuse.
Thanks for bringing this subject up... it is a good reminder!
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