He's dead.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 3
He's dead.
Hello. I initially had posted a message I think back in November 2005. It was my first and sadly my last. I think I just got discouraged because I wasnt familiar with the site, and was told after pouring my heart out.. that I was to start a new thread or something or another.. rather than adding a post to where I did. So.. I basically forgot about the whole idea of help, even though I was still disillusioned.
Today, I am desperately searching for some answer..I am not sure what.. but something.. anything.
My boyfriend of 12 years... on and off.. finally decided to prance back into my life almost a year and a half ago.. avid to finally settle down and make changes. For years and years, he hid from me the truth. He was an alcoholic, and a cocaine addict. I didnt know. Strange as it may be, considering I am getting into the healthcare field, I should have seen the red flags, but when i thought maybe he was, he was always careful to prove me otherwise and say it was just a once in a while "thing." Anyways.. I begged him to stop everything when I realized I couldnt live without him. I still loved him and saw the potential he had.. for himself..and for us. So he finally agreed to go to rehab.
Months went by... he went into a three month program, I was unsure as well as himself whether three months would cut his habit of 20 years. He tried nevertheless. When he finished the program at the centre.. he asked me to marry him. I was so sure he was serious. I said yes. He came back to live with me.. in a city I had just moved too myself.. so I was extremely unfamiliar with the place.. and so I figured it would be a good change for him.
Things were great.. he moved in December and was really proactive.. about going to his AA meetings and communicating his feelings to me. We talked about how it was a daily struggle for him, but he seemed determined. And so I trusted, again. I even went to an open meeting with him.
Maybe it was too soon, maybe I should have seen it coming.. but I was always working, and I thought he was ok. I thought he was coping with his daily demons. I would be working for 12-13 hours a day.. and so I believed at the end of the day he had been keeping himself busy with a new job he obtained or loafing around getting to know the city.
Then one day I had to travel for work. I remember looking into his eyes and saying are you sure you will be ok. I have another ticket for you here .. why dont you come with me. He was restless and uncomfortable with the idea of me gone.. as he relied on me heavily to keep him "on track," but insisted I go and take care of things.. he said he would be fine.
I spoke to him every day while I was away. I knew he was getting more and more frustrated as he would call and say every day "Are you done.. did you finish your work?? I thought you said you were going to come home early?"
Then he told me he was trying to stop smoking.. and I wondered .. and thought.. well he knows best... he will be fine. He was so agitated after 6 days, we got into an argument on the telephone and he hung up on me. I called back and was very cross with him and told him if he behaved this way .. that was it.. for the both of us.. just stop or else. He was baffled that I uttered those words to him... since he knew how much I was in love with him.
The next day, he called me in the morning.. sad, depressed and hurt. Asked me why I would have said such a thing.. was I sure I wanted to be with him.. and I explained very carefully that I was cross and didnt mean what I said. He told me ok.. that he understood.. not to worry.. and that he had a headache.. and wanted to take a nap. He said he would call me back. He never did.
For 6 days I was in a panic. I was scared..confused..and couldnt understand how he could disappear or pull a trick like that when he knew I was out of town. I was sure on the 3rd day he must have slipped up.. I called his family daily throughout...desperate for a soothing word or two... but they were baffled as well. I even attempted calling the police.. afraid.. and wanted to file a missing persons report.. but then they said they were unable to. Then on the sixth day.. the police called me and said they found him.. collapsed at home. I was told it was the dangerous mix.. cocaine and fentanyl.
I just cannot understand how he said he was ready to move on with his life..to get married.. to have a family.. and then.. he slips. I dont know who to talk to .. I dont know what to do. I feel like I am dying inside. Its been months since this happened.. but I cannot move on.. I am devestated and my life is in shambles. I wonder everyday.. did he know what he was doing? Did he know what he was taking? Did he do it on purpose because I said the things I did? What if I didnt leave.. would he be gone today? The what-ifs and whys are killing me. I am devestated.
Today, I am desperately searching for some answer..I am not sure what.. but something.. anything.
My boyfriend of 12 years... on and off.. finally decided to prance back into my life almost a year and a half ago.. avid to finally settle down and make changes. For years and years, he hid from me the truth. He was an alcoholic, and a cocaine addict. I didnt know. Strange as it may be, considering I am getting into the healthcare field, I should have seen the red flags, but when i thought maybe he was, he was always careful to prove me otherwise and say it was just a once in a while "thing." Anyways.. I begged him to stop everything when I realized I couldnt live without him. I still loved him and saw the potential he had.. for himself..and for us. So he finally agreed to go to rehab.
Months went by... he went into a three month program, I was unsure as well as himself whether three months would cut his habit of 20 years. He tried nevertheless. When he finished the program at the centre.. he asked me to marry him. I was so sure he was serious. I said yes. He came back to live with me.. in a city I had just moved too myself.. so I was extremely unfamiliar with the place.. and so I figured it would be a good change for him.
Things were great.. he moved in December and was really proactive.. about going to his AA meetings and communicating his feelings to me. We talked about how it was a daily struggle for him, but he seemed determined. And so I trusted, again. I even went to an open meeting with him.
Maybe it was too soon, maybe I should have seen it coming.. but I was always working, and I thought he was ok. I thought he was coping with his daily demons. I would be working for 12-13 hours a day.. and so I believed at the end of the day he had been keeping himself busy with a new job he obtained or loafing around getting to know the city.
Then one day I had to travel for work. I remember looking into his eyes and saying are you sure you will be ok. I have another ticket for you here .. why dont you come with me. He was restless and uncomfortable with the idea of me gone.. as he relied on me heavily to keep him "on track," but insisted I go and take care of things.. he said he would be fine.
I spoke to him every day while I was away. I knew he was getting more and more frustrated as he would call and say every day "Are you done.. did you finish your work?? I thought you said you were going to come home early?"
Then he told me he was trying to stop smoking.. and I wondered .. and thought.. well he knows best... he will be fine. He was so agitated after 6 days, we got into an argument on the telephone and he hung up on me. I called back and was very cross with him and told him if he behaved this way .. that was it.. for the both of us.. just stop or else. He was baffled that I uttered those words to him... since he knew how much I was in love with him.
The next day, he called me in the morning.. sad, depressed and hurt. Asked me why I would have said such a thing.. was I sure I wanted to be with him.. and I explained very carefully that I was cross and didnt mean what I said. He told me ok.. that he understood.. not to worry.. and that he had a headache.. and wanted to take a nap. He said he would call me back. He never did.
For 6 days I was in a panic. I was scared..confused..and couldnt understand how he could disappear or pull a trick like that when he knew I was out of town. I was sure on the 3rd day he must have slipped up.. I called his family daily throughout...desperate for a soothing word or two... but they were baffled as well. I even attempted calling the police.. afraid.. and wanted to file a missing persons report.. but then they said they were unable to. Then on the sixth day.. the police called me and said they found him.. collapsed at home. I was told it was the dangerous mix.. cocaine and fentanyl.
I just cannot understand how he said he was ready to move on with his life..to get married.. to have a family.. and then.. he slips. I dont know who to talk to .. I dont know what to do. I feel like I am dying inside. Its been months since this happened.. but I cannot move on.. I am devestated and my life is in shambles. I wonder everyday.. did he know what he was doing? Did he know what he was taking? Did he do it on purpose because I said the things I did? What if I didnt leave.. would he be gone today? The what-ifs and whys are killing me. I am devestated.
Last edited by recovery?; 07-27-2006 at 11:45 PM. Reason: wrong date
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
I am very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, you may never know the answers to the questions you are asking yourself. Know this, you did not cause this, you did not create it. Your BF chose to use again. Don't blame yourself, please don't. Take care of yourself and I hope you can find a support group that can help you find strength and help you to heal from your loss.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
((((recovery?))))-- As 2dayz said, PLEASE do not blame yourself hon. I am so sorry for what happened. It is not your fault. He chose to use and this is the ultimate consequence of addiction. This story is truly heartbreaking and it happens to so many people far too often. I hope that you can find a grief counselor in your area that can help you through this pain. Although you are devastated today, you do have a life ahead of you. Not all is hopeless and time will lessen your pain. Please do find some face to face support for you as soon as you can sweetie. My prayers are with you.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
I am sorry to read of your loss.
His using was his choice. As you look about and read you will see the same thing about every one who uses... others are always blamed, never us.
No one can stay awake 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and babysit. If someone is going to use, they will always find a way.
You didn't cause it.
You couldn't control it.
You couldn't change it.
His choices are why .
His using was his choice. As you look about and read you will see the same thing about every one who uses... others are always blamed, never us.
No one can stay awake 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and babysit. If someone is going to use, they will always find a way.
You didn't cause it.
You couldn't control it.
You couldn't change it.
His choices are why .
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Glad you came back, hon, but I am really sorry to hear that it's in these circumstances.
This was not your fault.
I am certain you will get lots of messages on this thread and given your earlier experiences on SR I pondered whether to say this, but there is a Grief and Loss Forum on this site http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/ where I know there are people who have suffered a loss in this way. If you'd like, perhaps one of the mods could duplicate this thread over there for you. There is one lady (Debmar) who I know will understand exactly what you are going through right now.
(((hugs)))
This was not your fault.
I am certain you will get lots of messages on this thread and given your earlier experiences on SR I pondered whether to say this, but there is a Grief and Loss Forum on this site http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/ where I know there are people who have suffered a loss in this way. If you'd like, perhaps one of the mods could duplicate this thread over there for you. There is one lady (Debmar) who I know will understand exactly what you are going through right now.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I wish there was something I could say to ease what you're feeling. While I read your post I had an eerie feeling, something about the way things happened. I suppose I wondered about his mental health and about the seemingly non existant support you were recieving as a couple despite both of you having a feeling of uncertainty.
From everything you've written I get no sense that the events of those days reflected his REAL desires and hopes for his own life, more a sense of things unravelling that were utterly beyond your control and perhaps well beyond his.
I'm so sorry you felt disheartened when you first posted - I know from having hung around these parts for a while that new threads are more easily seen and that suggesting one is started is a way of trying to get more responses.
People here do care and I'm so glad you came back - very sorry about the reasons though.
Take care and keep posting - we are listening....
From everything you've written I get no sense that the events of those days reflected his REAL desires and hopes for his own life, more a sense of things unravelling that were utterly beyond your control and perhaps well beyond his.
I'm so sorry you felt disheartened when you first posted - I know from having hung around these parts for a while that new threads are more easily seen and that suggesting one is started is a way of trying to get more responses.
People here do care and I'm so glad you came back - very sorry about the reasons though.
Take care and keep posting - we are listening....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
(((Recovery))),
I am glad that you remembered this site and decided to come back.
And, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel.
But this I do know....NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING was your fault sweetie. Each of us have consequences for our actions, and unfortunately, his consequences were tragic.
Slips happen all the time for people in recovery. Sometimes slips will occur within days, weeks, months, or sometimes even years down the road. There are many threads that deal with this here. It's unfortunately the nature of the beast called addiction.
What happened to him could have just been an accidental death. I don't know much about mixing different substances together, but I do know it can be extremely dangerous, i.e., life threatening. What I'm trying to say here is perhaps there was no intent on his part, other than just trying to get another fix.
Please, keep reaching out here, and perhaps some grief support groups in person would be helpful as well. Some one-on-one counseling sessions would be extremely helpful too. This is just too much to keep bottled up inside.
Keep coming back. We care about you!
I am glad that you remembered this site and decided to come back.
And, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel.
But this I do know....NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING was your fault sweetie. Each of us have consequences for our actions, and unfortunately, his consequences were tragic.
Slips happen all the time for people in recovery. Sometimes slips will occur within days, weeks, months, or sometimes even years down the road. There are many threads that deal with this here. It's unfortunately the nature of the beast called addiction.
What happened to him could have just been an accidental death. I don't know much about mixing different substances together, but I do know it can be extremely dangerous, i.e., life threatening. What I'm trying to say here is perhaps there was no intent on his part, other than just trying to get another fix.
Please, keep reaching out here, and perhaps some grief support groups in person would be helpful as well. Some one-on-one counseling sessions would be extremely helpful too. This is just too much to keep bottled up inside.
Keep coming back. We care about you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
I wonder everyday.. did he know what he was doing? Did he know what he was taking? Did he do it on purpose because I said the things I did? What if I didnt leave.. would he be gone today? The what-ifs and whys are killing me. I am devestated.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Recovery,
There are no words to express how sorry I am for your loss. Just no words.
This is such a devastating disease. I agree that this is in no way your fault.
Best said it well..his choices are why.
I am so glad you came back to this site and I also would recommend some grief counseling.
Hugs
There are no words to express how sorry I am for your loss. Just no words.
This is such a devastating disease. I agree that this is in no way your fault.
Best said it well..his choices are why.
I am so glad you came back to this site and I also would recommend some grief counseling.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Recovery - I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. As everyone said, it is not your fault. Try to remember that people have these kind of disagreements all the time. You can't cause someone's death by it. It's true you may never get the answers you're seeking. I agree with the other poster that it very well may have been accidental. I would also urge some sort of grief counseling. When my younger brother died suddenly it helped me enormously.
((()))
((()))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Albuqureque, NM
Posts: 14
I'm so sorry for your loss!
OMG, my heart goes out to you! I sat here and read your post with tears in my eyes b/c I am afraid of the same thing happening to my husband.
Please do NOT blame yourself...you did everything that you could; the rest - his life - was in his hands.
You may never know why he did that - and there might not have been any real reason (that's the hardest part, I think). But you've said he had a 20 year addiction and he was great at hiding it...maybe he's lived in so much torment for so long and now he's finally got peace. I know that can't make you feel any better because you truly loved him and you had this new life with him, which was so abrubtly ended.....but there's a reason for everything, they say.
You being in the health care field and having this affect your personal life in such a REAL way; maybe you can go on to treat others...or atleast be aware of the signs and symptoms of some of your patients and refer them to treatment.
*hugs*
Please do NOT blame yourself...you did everything that you could; the rest - his life - was in his hands.
You may never know why he did that - and there might not have been any real reason (that's the hardest part, I think). But you've said he had a 20 year addiction and he was great at hiding it...maybe he's lived in so much torment for so long and now he's finally got peace. I know that can't make you feel any better because you truly loved him and you had this new life with him, which was so abrubtly ended.....but there's a reason for everything, they say.
You being in the health care field and having this affect your personal life in such a REAL way; maybe you can go on to treat others...or atleast be aware of the signs and symptoms of some of your patients and refer them to treatment.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Oh my God, recovery.... I'm so sorry.... Listen, others here will have better and maybe more helpful advice for you, but I just wanted to say that I can understand your feelings and your questions and your frustration. I can only imagine how unbearable this must be for you. Something about your description of your bf's personality, the failed recovery attempts, and your overall relationship sounds eerily like my relationship, and this situation is actually my worst fear. Morbid as it may sound (and I dunno if this is crazy or not) but I even try to prepare myself for the possibility all the time, so God forbid the time ever comes, I won't completely shatter and will remember what I'm going to say to you: This wasn't your fault, he could have disappeared completely unexpectedly on you one day even if you WERE at home... I understand your feelings but once you let yourself go through the process, don't get stuck there. A counselor is a good idea. The lifestyle addicts lead is risky. They know that going in, and unfortunatly no one and nothing outside of themselves could save them from their own choices.
I also think it was probably accidental. I also understand, in my own way, what it's like to get stuck in all your what-if's and why's, to want answers and explanations when there aren't any. It's normal to feel that way, and you'll still have a long way to go, but the day will come when you'll need to let that part go. Some questions can never be answered. But give yourself a break. It sounds to me like you were good to him, supportive, tried to create a new life with him, and were there for him. Don't let one spat- which ALL couples deal with- or you doing your job become reasons where this was at all your fault. I know that's probably hard to accept and you can counter everything people are saying, but you did nothing wrong. Even his recovery doesn't mean you were supposed to sit at home with him or not go away. That and being the one who "keeps him on track" might have even hurt his chances at lasting recovery even more in the long run... So you have nothing to beat yourself up over.
I dunno about you, but when I first came here (not that I'm an expert now but) I didn't really understand addiction enough in general, not to mention certain behaviors of my own. Once I read the stickies here and a lot of the info both here and on other parts of this board (like firsthand accounts in Substance Abuse, NA, Nar-Anon, Alcoholism, etc) I started to get a sense of how TRULY powerless I am in this situation with my own bf. He's an alcoholic and a coke addict as well. And I don't mean to sound corny but once I genuinely understood how and why I really AM 100% powerless against his addictions, that's when I stopped doing what you're doing- blaming myself, wondering if different actions on my part in specific situations might have brought different results, wondered if all the times I was really mean and a total hardass caused him enough emotional distress to go back out, wondering if I really did all I could, etc. I didn't have to deal with a death like you did, but I know all about taking the blame.
I feel so sorry for you and how much pain you're in. Keep venting here, and find some real life support as well. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope you make it through this diffcult time.
I also think it was probably accidental. I also understand, in my own way, what it's like to get stuck in all your what-if's and why's, to want answers and explanations when there aren't any. It's normal to feel that way, and you'll still have a long way to go, but the day will come when you'll need to let that part go. Some questions can never be answered. But give yourself a break. It sounds to me like you were good to him, supportive, tried to create a new life with him, and were there for him. Don't let one spat- which ALL couples deal with- or you doing your job become reasons where this was at all your fault. I know that's probably hard to accept and you can counter everything people are saying, but you did nothing wrong. Even his recovery doesn't mean you were supposed to sit at home with him or not go away. That and being the one who "keeps him on track" might have even hurt his chances at lasting recovery even more in the long run... So you have nothing to beat yourself up over.
I dunno about you, but when I first came here (not that I'm an expert now but) I didn't really understand addiction enough in general, not to mention certain behaviors of my own. Once I read the stickies here and a lot of the info both here and on other parts of this board (like firsthand accounts in Substance Abuse, NA, Nar-Anon, Alcoholism, etc) I started to get a sense of how TRULY powerless I am in this situation with my own bf. He's an alcoholic and a coke addict as well. And I don't mean to sound corny but once I genuinely understood how and why I really AM 100% powerless against his addictions, that's when I stopped doing what you're doing- blaming myself, wondering if different actions on my part in specific situations might have brought different results, wondered if all the times I was really mean and a total hardass caused him enough emotional distress to go back out, wondering if I really did all I could, etc. I didn't have to deal with a death like you did, but I know all about taking the blame.
I feel so sorry for you and how much pain you're in. Keep venting here, and find some real life support as well. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope you make it through this diffcult time.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Oh hon... I am so sorry for your loss.
Please, please take this one thing with you -
You can't CAUSE addiction
You can't CONTROL addiction
You can't CURE addiction
Those are the 3 Cs from Alanon... and they are the absolute truth. There is nothing you could do that would MAKE him use, no way to control his use and there was definitely nothing you could do to cure it.
You, and he, are in my prayers. Please post again. There are others here who have... or are... going through exactly what you are. ((((hugs))))
Please, please take this one thing with you -
You can't CAUSE addiction
You can't CONTROL addiction
You can't CURE addiction
Those are the 3 Cs from Alanon... and they are the absolute truth. There is nothing you could do that would MAKE him use, no way to control his use and there was definitely nothing you could do to cure it.
You, and he, are in my prayers. Please post again. There are others here who have... or are... going through exactly what you are. ((((hugs))))
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm so very sorry, Recovery, and send prayers of comfort for you and all who loved him.
Sadly this disease is so much bigger than any of us. I believe God loves all His children, including His addict children, and sometimes He loves them enough to end their suffering and take them Home.
He rests with God now in peace and without pain.
Hugs
Sadly this disease is so much bigger than any of us. I believe God loves all His children, including His addict children, and sometimes He loves them enough to end their suffering and take them Home.
He rests with God now in peace and without pain.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
((recovery?)) I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't blame yourself. He was responsible for his own actions. There is no way you could take on the responsiblity of watching him 24/7. I hope you can find some peace.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((recovery?))
I wish I knew exactly what words to say to help you with your pain - but there are none.
So, all I can say is that here at SoberRecovery, we offer that unconditional love, acceptance and understanding that we all need. You are very brave to reach out for help - Please, Please keep doing that - seek help from every resource available to you - You are special and You deserve it.
Sending hugs and comfort your way,
Rita
I wish I knew exactly what words to say to help you with your pain - but there are none.
So, all I can say is that here at SoberRecovery, we offer that unconditional love, acceptance and understanding that we all need. You are very brave to reach out for help - Please, Please keep doing that - seek help from every resource available to you - You are special and You deserve it.
Sending hugs and comfort your way,
Rita
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I have no words that have not been said before in this thread, but I am thinking of you, sending you love and hoping that whatever higher power exists cradles you in their love, strength and peace so that you can be safe as you go through your grief.
((recovery))
((recovery))
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