JessWoo76

Hello,
I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years. She has been completely sober for 12.
She doesnt mind (or says she doesnt) when I drink, which is not everyday, probably one - two times a week. If I go out with a friend I will have a couple drinks, or if we go out together, I may drink.
This past weekend I didnt drink at all. Tonight I had two beers. I have been drinking beer because she says that wine is smelly on me. But now the beers are smelly too.
I heard five times tonight that I smell and she didnt want to be close to me. I am starting to feel like I should quit drinking, but how much of this is my responsability and how much is hers?
I cant help but to feel the guilt.
Any advice?

Ngokpa

Well, if you're actually drinking only two beers, you may not have a problem. But sometimes recovering alcoholics are not crazy about being around people who drink. Some learn to live with it and some don't, but for us it's connected with a lot of pain and general insanity. I don't especially see fault on either side; but she has go with what she's comfortable with.

laurie6781

Jess I have to tell you that as a recovering alcoholic with many years of sobriety, I absolutely cannot stand the smell of wine, beer, or hard liquor anymore. It make me sick to my stomach.

Now it does not bother me to see someone else imbibe in a glass or two, but they just cannot get to close to me.

Yeah, go figure, this from someone who absolutely LOVED every aspect of alcohol and drinking.

I would imagine that your GF is telling you the truth, the alcohol does smell to her, and its not a pleasant smell. What you do about it, is up to you.

Just like ex-smokers can no longer stand the smell of cigarettes, so do many recovering alcoholics have a hard time with the "smell" of alcohol.

J M H O

Love and (((((to all))))),

Sheryl85

Would it hurt to ask her what she would like for you to do? If she sees that you are not trying to be argumentative, she will most likely share her honest feelings about the situation.

Who knows, it may be as simple as a quick shower and brushing your teeth to correct the situation.

JessWoo76

Thanks to all who answered. And no, I dont have a drinking problem. A lot of my family members and friends drink too, and I get nervous for her when we hang in social situations. I guess that is my stuff I have to deal with.
I brush teeth and SCOPE but it doesnt seem to help.

elizabeth1979

IMO, its all her responsibility and none of yours. Thats just my opinion though. I understand fully her position. If you are brushing your teeth and using scope, it may not be the smell.
When my ex quit drinking during his off periods, it bothered him that I drank and I dont think it was the smell, bc I too would shower, brush, cope, etc. I believe for him, it was the visual reminder that he was not able to drink like a normie. I think it made him want to drink and it was a temptation to know I had been drinking..even if just one or 2.

JMO, and maybe some people will come along who are in relationships still with alcoholics who have alot of clean time under their belt. I shouldnt really compare my ex in this situation as he was not in recovery.

Try to remember that she has freedom to not be around you if she is bothered and there is no part of her alcoholism that you should feel guilt over.

Does she go to AA or have a sponsor or go to counseling or anything?

JessWoo76

Hey there,
Thanks for your message. She doesnt go to AA or anything. Hasnt in about 12 years. She meditates and stuff like that.
It goes beyond the drinking. She says that I dont see her needs and cant seem to fullfill them. Is this a alcoholic trait???? It seem sto me that no matter how hard I try it doesnt work. Something always come up to bother her. I am getting tired.
Example... My grandfather died and I had to go home to be with family. Then the next two weekend my mother was here for a couple days. So the follow weekend she tells me she really wants me to support her in a tournament. I had the chance toi work on Sat from 8-2 (6 hrs). I said, "how do you feel about me working"? She seems to have ran with that like I didnt want to go to this thing with her (sport game) and support her when all I wanted to do was talk about it because we have been talking about finances lately.
So frustrated,
Thanks for listening.

ASpouse

Personally, it doesn't sound like it has anything to do with drinking or not drinking, going to meetings or not. Perhaps she just doesn't have an interest in you anymore and is attempting to let you down easy by confusing the issue.

If she doesn't like the smell of liquor/beer/wine, then she doesn't like it. You can either respect her "boundary" and not drink or continue to drink, even one or two a day, and dis-respect her boundary.

To me, this relationship sounds as if it's heading for the toilet. It really could just be you!

JessWoo76

I am not saying its not me...
I am just trying to figure out how much of myself I can change before I resent the relationship.
I try to be good to her and sweet and I try my darnest to meet her halfway... on everything.

deax

Someone correct me if I'm completely off base with this idea, but this situation makes me think of people on a dry drunk. She's not working a program of any sort and she feels like nothing you do supports her needs, and it bothers her that you drink even if you shower/scope and yet she doesn't ASK you not to drink in her presence. I don't know if that could be the case after 12 years of sobriety or not. But it sounds like she's not communicating her emotional needs very well in order for you to meet them, and if "something is always bothering her" then maybe those are her issues that she still needs to deal with whether she's drinking or not.

Again, I may be completely wrong... I'm still figuring things out too.

ASpouse

If the relationship is on solid ground and stable, any change you do make should not cause angst and stress.

Zoey

Just thoughts! Does your scope have a percent of alcohol? I can't remember.

Some of us are super sensitive to even aftershave, deodorants, anything with alcohol or perfume.

If you love her and want it to work, try giving up all alcohol for 60 days. You might chose the alcohol instead of her???

I could give up a few things for love, but not smoking. so if he couldn't stand that smell i would have to leave altho it might break my heart.

Alcohol comes out our pours and might take a while. Ask what her favorite soap is, use that and nothing else that could smell for eve at home.

Just suggestions, take what you can use and leave the rest. It is your life.

We think love fixes everything, but as M Scott Peck says, Life is difficult.

GingerM

As Zoey said, alcohol is eliminated by our bodies partially through our pores.

Like many here (and for similar reasons) I absolutely can not stand the smell of alcoholic beverages on someone. That being said, I don't ask my husband not to drink, but I do avoid him when he has been drinking. I can also tell from about 10 feet away that he's had alcohol. Thankfully, he doesn't drink more than about once every other month or so. If he was drinking more often, it would be time to have a talk.

That being said, if she says you're not meeting her needs, it does sound like there needs to be a big heart-to-heart. Are you meeting any of her needs? Are you meeting her needs with the exception of this one thing? Is she expecting to change you into her 'ideal' mate, or is her request reasonable in your opinion? What changes is she willing to make to preserve the relationship, if any? Many questions which need answering.

It sounds like you're not at all happy with her request that you not drink at all. If that's the case, then it seems as if you two have a major 'needs conflict' which may be irresolvable. It is possible that the two of you simply aren't going to be able to find a solution which is agreeable to both of you.

Pick-a-name

Evidently, the smell bothers her. Frankly; I dislike it myself. In a glass is one thing, but coming through the pours and exhale of AH I find repulsive. I think she told you her truth.

Your choice as to what you want to do about it is yours (as is hers around you when you drink) Same as smokers and people who hate the smell. won't kiss a smoker,etc. She does not seem to be trying to control you or "dump" you by saying the smell bothers her to me..maybe she was too insecure in the relationship,etc to "speak up" until recently.
I can nor say. I personally find the smell repulsive (esp. after the past problems I associate with the smell).especially in intimate situations.


Whio/what is more important to you.you will decide, I guess. Seems that it is not a clear-cut choice for you.

meli2005

It sounds to me like she minds the drinking. To be honest, I don't drink in my household. I just personally do not feel it is right to drink in front of an alcoholic. I have experienced firsthand the pain of the disease. Alcohol doesn't hold much pleasure for me personally. :Wshade

JessWoo76

Hey there everyone. I really appreciate all the feedback!!!!!
We had a good heart to heart last night. I feel better, and I think she does too.
I have cut out drinking in the house. I drink in the house only if people come over, if even that which is about once a month. I have cut down on my drinking by about 50%. Partly for her, partly for me.
I have contimplated not drinking for awhile. I mean really, for me its just a thing, because I dont have a problem with it, but maybe I do to some extent because I like to have a couple beers or drinks once a week.
In any event, we are going to try our darnest to work things out.
Thanks for listening.

Pick-a-name

JessWoo76 Glad you were able to talk it through. Check in and update us on how things go.

Zoey

Good for you both, being able to talk. Yes, please keep us posted. I am hopeing for good news.