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Old 07-27-2006, 05:09 PM
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Angry vent

Need to vent now because i am feeling the urge to go and have a drink and have not found a creative outlet for my anger or whatever yet.
I am pissed at myself for alot of things today. But mostly for pissing away alot of money the last long while because my priorities are so mixed up. I feel defeated, as i am sure a lot of people here do, that i, we, work so hard and dont have a lot to show for it. And yes, i know, it is material possesions that you cant take to the grave with you, but i would be happy with a sense of accomplishment.
I have consolidated my bills to the best of my financial ability and was not able to pay off one company, because i was misquoted on a by out price from another and the bank took care of the payments. so now, i have this crazy bill collector calling me, faxing me at work, whatever and i am about to go ballistic on her butt. She asked me to borrow the money to pay the debt. And i politely told her to get off her big leather chair and have a look at reality. You cant borrow yourself out of debt. But that is what i seem to have done time and time again. And thats what makes me mad. I just think about all the money i have spent on alcohol and bars and drunken shopping binges. And whatever else. And now i am trying to fix everything and I cant seem to do the necessary things.
My bf decided to start yelling on the phone today. Again. I thought we had made progress after a really big talk two weeks ago. But I see now that things will really never change. I honestly believe that two people can love each other but cant be together. And again, I question myself for the arguments. I know i am a sensitive person but i have already been through a divorce and now this. I think i am destined to be alone. Ok, maybe just for the time being, while i get it together. I cant handle one more day of bs.
the problem is, seeing as I can cry at the drop of a hat, its mostly because i get so mad and dont know how to show it properly. i cannot calmly speak my mind so i bottle it up. I always dealt with anger by having a drink.
which got me thinking: there has to be more to life than this. This is something i think at least once a day. i can no longer play the blame game. its my own doing. I am broke because of my actions. I have anger because i have never dealt with it. I have tried, but always feel better and stop going to see whomever i was talking with. And now, after already working almost 50 hours in four days, i have to be up in 5 to go back. I am angry that i have to work so hard, instead of being grateful that i have a job.
Just really mixed up.


Thanks for listening

mertyl
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Old 07-27-2006, 05:38 PM
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Angry Vent all you like

Don't you hate it when things just seem to be s****y and no matter how hard you try nothing ever seems to get better. You feel like you're just digging yourself deeper?? You've got debts, fighting with your boyfriend, nothing seems to be going your way??? I get that like and I'll tell you now, I hate it when I'm in a bad mood and people try and look on the bright side, sometimes I just want to be S****y and I want them to hate the world with me...but I guess that other point of view always helps even if we don't want to hear it.

Firstly you are doing so well not drinking. You know that turning to have a drink isn't the answer and thats a huge deal to be able to no especially when things aren't going so well. I know you probably don't think so but you are doing an amazing job of not giving in, and the fact that posted here instead of drinking is such a brave and strong thing to do so CONGRATS for that.

Secondly - I know what its like to be in debt. Unfortunatly when you've got money problems it all seems to get on top of you. I've got a billion speeding fines and parking fines to pay and they are all overdue (big time overdue) I'm still paying back an old friend who I owe a heap of money too for when I was back on drugs and I'm struggling each week for rent and bills. The only thing I've learnt is just try and pay it bit by bit, just try and save a target amount each week (and make a realistic goal for yourself) and just keep plugging away at it.

With the stuff with your boyfriend...I don't really know what to say about that - but never think you're destined to be alone. I used to think that but I truely believe that deep down God has someone for all of us. I don't think we were put on this Earth to be lonely and miserable, we were put here to experience life and learn and build ourselves up from each mistake or obstacle is probably a better way to put it.

I'm only 23 so I'm probably not great with advice and I guess I don't really know all that much about life but I believe we all have strength and passion and if you just believe in yourself and give yourself credit - you can get through anything!!! (and posting on here always helps too.

I'll pray for you!!!!

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Old 07-27-2006, 05:43 PM
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thank you. you may be only 23 but you said some pretty good things. thank you so much for responding. that post made me think logically and i realize tomorrow is another day to plug away.

good luck on journey
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Old 07-27-2006, 05:47 PM
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when that liitle voice inside your head says go ahead have that drink it I'll make you feel you feel better.

Ask it, If it's going to help me pay my bills... and then tell it to take a hike!
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Old 07-27-2006, 05:52 PM
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Mertyl

I feel for you right now! I am still paying a TON of debts that I will kick myself in the a$$ for over and over again!!!! Its funny, I was just talking to my Mom today about it and she said ...."Well yanno Liss, you cant go back and change the past and being pissed about it will only bring you down, so instead, try to think of where you will be in 6 months to a year if you just stick to it and keep taking care of business. Tomorrow is a new day!" Well, I get what she is saying and it calmed me down a little, so like you, I shall keep plugging along and I will try to forgive myself for my past mistakes and take it as a major learning experience that I will NEVER repeat. As for the boyfriend thing, I know how that goes too, it sucks! Hang in there and stay strong!!!!!
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Old 07-27-2006, 06:05 PM
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Do what you can. That is all you can do. I can relate to your problems. I was unemployed for two years and survived, paid 2 mortgages, etc. from cash advances off of credit cards. Stupid I know, but I was totally dysfunctional and was unemployable. Needless to say, I am in huge debt and my credit is ruined for now. Staying up at nights worrying about money isn't going to help change a thing. I quit doing that. I know longer worry about it. When the time comes, I will take care of what I can. The debt collectors are a pain, but they are just doing their job. You can tell them to not call you at work and they are supposed to obey that. I have been sober for a little over two years and I haven't even begun to whittle away my debt. I live pay check to pay check. In a few years I will have a mortgage paid off and then can set up a payment plan to clean up the wreckage of my past. That is all I can do. All the phone calls in the world can not muster up more money in my bank account to pay my debtors. I know it is frustrating. Don't let it get the best of you. Drinking will not solve anything. You've got to get away from the idea of using booze to escape. As you know...it doesn't work. Why create more problems?
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Old 07-27-2006, 06:14 PM
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There's lots of good advice Mertyl. I hope you feel better and just keep moving forward. Muse is right, you can only do what you can do. I think that's something to keep in mind for all aspects of life!
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Old 07-27-2006, 06:22 PM
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.

If you take a drink, you will be hurting 10X more, one of my friends always says, look for the gift. I know this sounds crazy, but if you think about it long enuf, .....hang in there, and take a day off work, life is short
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Old 07-27-2006, 07:24 PM
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thank you to everyone. Still cant sleep, even though work is now exactly four hours til start.
Its all very good thiughts and words and so much i agree with and has made me stop and think.
I especially want to thank guzler. I think sometimes he just sits in the sidelines and thinks. Then throws in his stuff. But he is right. and so is everyone else. I have calmed down a bit now and i really think i am fighting sleep.
So, since i have a good book on the go, i think i will curl up with the doggy and try to catch some zees.
I hope you all have a restful, sober nite.

mertyl
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Old 07-27-2006, 08:59 PM
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Hey mertyl...
I was in your spot yesterday.....STRESSED about money waiting for the phone to ring with some jack*** on there asking for money... I too made some bad decisions and got in bad debt because of my drug use,,,

Then I sat back and thought what good is all this worrying doing me...I am cranky, snapping at everyone for what ????
some PAST due accounts...and i said Yep they are PAST and I am now living for my future so ...be gone worry and yes it may be awhile until I am Back on my feet but at least i am doing it and doing it without using....That is my stock...it is like I watch it grow everyday...my sobriety...just keeps rising... I am alive (THANKFULLY) and I have a family who loves me....I cannot change the past ...but, I can control my future and in time I will be in a better place financially but for now... i am just glad to be in a better place mentally....

Peace ~ B
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Old 07-27-2006, 09:39 PM
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Right on! I may have bad credit, but I have a good spirit. So what is your credit score? Who cares? I'm sober...
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Old 07-29-2006, 08:10 AM
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thanks everyone for the input. i cannot go back but i can move forward. And thats it. have a great day.

mertyl
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Old 07-29-2006, 02:39 PM
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Hey mertyl....yes thankfully we can move forward....and you are doing that, hang in there.
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