Mom's remember when playing games with our kids was fun?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: MA
Posts: 20
Mom's remember when playing games with our kids was fun?
Hey Moms,
My daughter moved bk home in the middle of January. She is 19 yrs old. Her father and I helped her to get a car and she ws to give us money each week to pay for it. Sound the alarms yes I realize now this ws a big mistake. We did it with the best of intentions as parents do, and it backfired. I hv carried her many times and made the payments when she ws short of cash bec I ws trying to help her to keep her job and get her life together. Her hours hv been recently cut at her work and so the paycheck is smaller I hv told her she needs to get a part-time job so tht she cn make her car and insurance payments on time. Anyway
she again asked to borrow a few dollars the other night and told me she would pay me bk on her pay day. Well I said no and she said tht she wouldn't hv enough gas to get to work. I told her tht
I would go with her to get the gas and give her the money. I knew she ws short on cigarettes and I didn't wnt my money going towards tht. She got quite upset saying she didn't knw why I couldn't just give her a few dollars when I would get it bk .
I told her I'm still waiting to get bk money from you from other times. She kept trying to guilt me into it. She ws saying she does'nt hv enough gas to run around and look for a part time job
and I said you need to sacrifice time running around with your friends on the weekends and then you would hv enough gas. And so the merry go round begins -- She said alot of mean things
and she hs such resentment towards me- It hurts to feel tht. I knw tht there is help tht help and help tht hurts and I'm trying to change tht direction, trying to have her be a responsible adult. She wnts to be tht and yet she does still wnt my "help" and then resents me when I do. I did also confront her the same night bec she hs been sleeping ovr friends houses ths past Thursday, Friday and Sat but I hv an intution tht she is not staying with the people she says she is staying with. She balked of course and I didn't try and play police woman to verify it while it ws happening.
Done enough of tht I knw I cn't change her or stop her I just wnted her to knw I'm not falling for everything she tells me. I knw tht the more I stp enabling the worse it's gonna get---wish I hd a time machine and could get bk the sweet daughter I used to
hv. I need your prayers cause I'm just feeling so lost and tired of
it all. Thanks for listening. By the way lets take a poll How old is old enough to be a grown up?
My daughter moved bk home in the middle of January. She is 19 yrs old. Her father and I helped her to get a car and she ws to give us money each week to pay for it. Sound the alarms yes I realize now this ws a big mistake. We did it with the best of intentions as parents do, and it backfired. I hv carried her many times and made the payments when she ws short of cash bec I ws trying to help her to keep her job and get her life together. Her hours hv been recently cut at her work and so the paycheck is smaller I hv told her she needs to get a part-time job so tht she cn make her car and insurance payments on time. Anyway
she again asked to borrow a few dollars the other night and told me she would pay me bk on her pay day. Well I said no and she said tht she wouldn't hv enough gas to get to work. I told her tht
I would go with her to get the gas and give her the money. I knew she ws short on cigarettes and I didn't wnt my money going towards tht. She got quite upset saying she didn't knw why I couldn't just give her a few dollars when I would get it bk .
I told her I'm still waiting to get bk money from you from other times. She kept trying to guilt me into it. She ws saying she does'nt hv enough gas to run around and look for a part time job
and I said you need to sacrifice time running around with your friends on the weekends and then you would hv enough gas. And so the merry go round begins -- She said alot of mean things
and she hs such resentment towards me- It hurts to feel tht. I knw tht there is help tht help and help tht hurts and I'm trying to change tht direction, trying to have her be a responsible adult. She wnts to be tht and yet she does still wnt my "help" and then resents me when I do. I did also confront her the same night bec she hs been sleeping ovr friends houses ths past Thursday, Friday and Sat but I hv an intution tht she is not staying with the people she says she is staying with. She balked of course and I didn't try and play police woman to verify it while it ws happening.
Done enough of tht I knw I cn't change her or stop her I just wnted her to knw I'm not falling for everything she tells me. I knw tht the more I stp enabling the worse it's gonna get---wish I hd a time machine and could get bk the sweet daughter I used to
hv. I need your prayers cause I'm just feeling so lost and tired of
it all. Thanks for listening. By the way lets take a poll How old is old enough to be a grown up?
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 5
hi, Sparrow, I am sorry you are going through this. I have an addicted son. I know exactly the feelings you are having. It is natural for a parent to want to protect their children, and so we do things to protect them from the consequences of their actions, and it just leads to more irresponsibility on their part, so in reality it seems we are making things worse. It's darned if you do, darned if you don't, no matter what we feel terrible and guilty and sad. Certainly at age 19 she is old enough to live with the consequences of her actions, but she is still going to keep trying to put the blame on you - at least that is what my son does. I try to remember that his anger at me is really misdirected anger at himself that he doesn't want to face. I try never to let him see how much he gets to me - I do my screaming and crying in private and show him only the most composed and strong face I possible can. We let him stay at home as long as he held a full-time job and could prove he was going to meetings - when he stopped going to meetings and quit his job, we put him out - gently but firmly. He knows there is no coming back as long as he is not actively working recovery. I don't hear from him much (only when he needs something), and it is killing me, but I know it is for the best right now - for both of us. I am new to the concept of co-dependency, but I do know that I have to set my limits and stick to them. I cannot control his actions, but I can control my reactions to them, and that is what I do. It has helped me to visit this board and see that I am not alone in this struggle. YOu aren't alone either. Stay strong.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: MA
Posts: 20
Misdirected Anger
Hi Annabelle
Just wanted to say thanks for responding to my post. I think tht your right when you say tht alot of wht gets directed pointedly at us is really misdirected anger at themselves and by sending it my way she avoids facing wht she doesn't wnt to face. There wasn't much screaming this time on my part and no crying either
although I hv been guilty of such behavior in the past, thinking tht somehow I could break thru the wall and reach her. I think tht it is as you say important to show them a strong face and to
remain composed it helps to keep the focus off of us and leaves them to take a look, or at least a passing glance at themselves and their behavior. I need to detach more and get busy doing something with the day, I was getting caught in the obsessive thinking web, you helped me to untangled. It really does help to knw I'm not alone in this. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. May God bless you and your son in a special way today.
Hugs
Sparrow
Just wanted to say thanks for responding to my post. I think tht your right when you say tht alot of wht gets directed pointedly at us is really misdirected anger at themselves and by sending it my way she avoids facing wht she doesn't wnt to face. There wasn't much screaming this time on my part and no crying either
although I hv been guilty of such behavior in the past, thinking tht somehow I could break thru the wall and reach her. I think tht it is as you say important to show them a strong face and to
remain composed it helps to keep the focus off of us and leaves them to take a look, or at least a passing glance at themselves and their behavior. I need to detach more and get busy doing something with the day, I was getting caught in the obsessive thinking web, you helped me to untangled. It really does help to knw I'm not alone in this. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. May God bless you and your son in a special way today.
Hugs
Sparrow
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Hi Annabelle,
You have my prayers and happy thoughts coming your way...
No one ever has told me being a parent is easy, but I was never prepared for the disease of alcoholism to be in my family, especially my kids...
The most I can give is a 2 liner that helps me
IF GOD HAS TROUBLE WITH HIS KIDS; (encluding me)
WHAT MAKES ME THINK I'LL HAVE IT EASY WITH MINE.
Being able to come here and share really helps ease the pain.
Love and prayers from one who cares.
You have my prayers and happy thoughts coming your way...
No one ever has told me being a parent is easy, but I was never prepared for the disease of alcoholism to be in my family, especially my kids...
The most I can give is a 2 liner that helps me
IF GOD HAS TROUBLE WITH HIS KIDS; (encluding me)
WHAT MAKES ME THINK I'LL HAVE IT EASY WITH MINE.
Being able to come here and share really helps ease the pain.
Love and prayers from one who cares.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sparrow
When the emotional tug or war is on, it is impossible for anyone to win.
My son cannot live at home, because he has been given many chances and violated my boundaries every time. Bad for him and bad for me.
She is 19 and not working. My suggested boundaries is don't give her any money. You provide a roof over her head and food on her table, love and support, a TV and telephone and the comforts of home. That is enough. If she wants more money, she will have to try harder at getting a job. My son could never "find" anything either, but it was amazing how quick he found one when he moved out.
And she should share in the responsibilities of living with you, by doing her share of the housework, laundry, and cooking.
And the most important boundary I ever established was about respect. If a conversation, no matter how mportant, got heated or sarcastic, it was OVER, right then and there, It could only be resumed when all heads were cool. I was willing to talk all night about anything he wanted, but it had to be a healthy discussion.
It's hard, and our children are no longer babies. We treat them like adults and in doing so we expect the same respect as we would from any other adult.
And the alternative to respecting these boundaries, is to live any way you want anywhere else. I will love you just as much whether you live here or not.
Hugs and hope that it will work out with your daughter.
When the emotional tug or war is on, it is impossible for anyone to win.
My son cannot live at home, because he has been given many chances and violated my boundaries every time. Bad for him and bad for me.
She is 19 and not working. My suggested boundaries is don't give her any money. You provide a roof over her head and food on her table, love and support, a TV and telephone and the comforts of home. That is enough. If she wants more money, she will have to try harder at getting a job. My son could never "find" anything either, but it was amazing how quick he found one when he moved out.
And she should share in the responsibilities of living with you, by doing her share of the housework, laundry, and cooking.
And the most important boundary I ever established was about respect. If a conversation, no matter how mportant, got heated or sarcastic, it was OVER, right then and there, It could only be resumed when all heads were cool. I was willing to talk all night about anything he wanted, but it had to be a healthy discussion.
It's hard, and our children are no longer babies. We treat them like adults and in doing so we expect the same respect as we would from any other adult.
And the alternative to respecting these boundaries, is to live any way you want anywhere else. I will love you just as much whether you live here or not.
Hugs and hope that it will work out with your daughter.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey Sparrow,
Long time, no talk. Glad to see you are alive. (Started to say "alive and well" but I have a feeling you'd give me an argument on that 'well' part...
)
If you remember, I'm in the same boat with you, except my daughter is 20.
I was wanting to know if your daughter is in any kind of treatment or program? I didn't read it in your post or missed it. The reason I ask is because if she's in a program or trying to work her program, then I might look at setting up the rules a little bit differently than if she isn't trying at all.
I just know for us, we've had to set boundaries and rules. Real easy to say and do, harder to stick to them.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Long time, no talk. Glad to see you are alive. (Started to say "alive and well" but I have a feeling you'd give me an argument on that 'well' part...
)If you remember, I'm in the same boat with you, except my daughter is 20.
I was wanting to know if your daughter is in any kind of treatment or program? I didn't read it in your post or missed it. The reason I ask is because if she's in a program or trying to work her program, then I might look at setting up the rules a little bit differently than if she isn't trying at all.
I just know for us, we've had to set boundaries and rules. Real easy to say and do, harder to stick to them.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Last edited by Hangin' In; 02-26-2003 at 09:38 PM.
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