Did I do the right thing?

Old 07-25-2006, 06:11 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lostnotfound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
Did I do the right thing?

I'm still very new here...trying to understand the concepts of detachment and setting boundaries.

AH and I had a "discussion" last night about our situation. Monday nights are usually one of the only nights he is sober, because he works until 9:00, then comes home after only " a couple beers" and goes straight to bed. After I came to bed... he asked me what my plans were for the week. I told him I had no plans other than attending the Al Anon meeting on Wed. One thing led to another and he started telling me everything I do wrong. I told him I know I have my own issues and I'm am trying to work on those. I don't pay enough attention to him..... I put everyone else above him.... I don't talk to him..... We don't do anything.....I don't like him.... I wear baggy pants to work and don't show what a beautiful woman I am..... If I don't listen to what he's telling me he will throw the bedroom TV through the window.

I told him again.... I don't like to be around him when he is drinking. He is not a nice person when he drinks (sometimes when he's sober, but that's rare) I don't like the person he becomes when he drinks. Yes I have my own issues, and I am trying to identify them and work on them. I can't fix his issues.

His answer then is "You should just leave then" I say...I'm not leaving, this is my home. He says he is not leaving...it's HIS home, and he will tear it apart board by board if he wants. I say... this is MY home too...him No it's not.

He went to sleep on the couch. I told him I can't deal with his temper tantrums and destructive behavior, yelling and screaming at me.

Good grief! I don't know what to do from here. I'm still hanging on to some small thread of hope that our marriage will be saved, but there has been a lot of damage done. I think he would be happy if I just went back to acting as if there were no problems and let him treat me however he wants.

So....we didn't talk this morning. I did leave him a note telling him that after he gets home from golf tonight....IF he does not drink...AT ALL...we can do something together tonight....go out to eat...go for a walk...watch a movie or whatever he wants. Was this the wrong thing to do? I don't know, but I tried to set a boundary for me and give him what he says he wants, which is my attention.
lostnotfound is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 06:22 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
ASpouse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I don't understand how this can be a boundary for you when you are giving him what he wants!

He is making this all about him LNF ... the bottom line is his issues are not yours. You have made this post all about HIM .... what about YOU?
ASpouse is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 06:23 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Occasional poor taste poster
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Well you communicated a boundary and attempted to negotiate a peace offering all in one. Curious to see if he takes you up on your offer. I can't pretend to know what would be wrong and what would be right for your situation. I would caution you to think that your attention is all he needs to be a nicer guy though.
Jazzman is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 06:26 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
equus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
My first impression is that a night given solely to him rather rewards his tantrum...

Is there soemthing you want to get out of a night spent together? Something you would like for you?

If it was me the consequences of what he said drunk would have to be faced sober and they would probably include getting some legal advice re where I stood regarding the house.
equus is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 06:37 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lostnotfound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by ASpouse
I don't understand how this can be a boundary for you when you are giving him what he wants!

He is making this all about him LNF ... the bottom line is his issues are not yours. You have made this post all about HIM .... what about YOU?
I saw the boundary as his not drinking in order for me to be willing to give him my attention. If this is not an appropriate boundary, please let me know.

You are right...he does make it all about him. I am trying to detach from his issues, but he keeps sucking me back in by telling me how they are all MY issues.... I don't pay enough attention to him, etc etc. How do I let go of this?
lostnotfound is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 06:42 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lostnotfound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by Jazzman
Well you communicated a boundary and attempted to negotiate a peace offering all in one. Curious to see if he takes you up on your offer. I can't pretend to know what would be wrong and what would be right for your situation. I would caution you to think that your attention is all he needs to be a nicer guy though.

I don't believe that all he needs is my attention to be a nicer guy. I believe that HE thinks this is the root of the problem. You are right...it's kind of a last ditch peace offering. I feel we are at an impass and I was trying to at least attempt to get around it.

If anyone has any suggestions as to how to better handle this, please let me know. I'm willing to listen
lostnotfound is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 06:45 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lostnotfound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by equus
My first impression is that a night given solely to him rather rewards his tantrum...

Is there soemthing you want to get out of a night spent together? Something you would like for you?

If it was me the consequences of what he said drunk would have to be faced sober and they would probably include getting some legal advice re where I stood regarding the house.

I didn't really think of it as rewarding his tantrum. I will have to give that some thought.

What do I want out of the evening? Maybe for me it was just a test to see if 1) He would go without drinking for the night and 2) what would happen if we spent an evening together when he was sober 3) Is there any hope at all of trying to save our marriage, and do I even want to?
lostnotfound is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 06:47 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((LNF))

My heart breaks for you - I hear my story in your words - I kept thinking if I did more things like He wanted, acted more like He wanted me to, treated Him better, took over more of the responsibilities, blah, blah, blah, then He wouldn't drink or use. And toward the end of the really bad years, it was maybe then he would at least not be mean to me when he drank or used - The option of him not drinking or using was gone - It was to try to avoid the arguements between he and I or between he and the girls.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing that you will ever be able to do that will make him happy - This disease makes him miserable and more than likely he will remain miserable until he finds help for his disease.

From my experience, the best thing you can do is learn to take care of you. You deserve to be happy. That doesn't mean that you have to leave him. Some people learn to live happy, joyous and free while living with their A's - that is your choice - But going to those meetings, posting here and reading those suggested books will help you learn what is right for you. It will give you the courage and strength to be able to make the right decision for you.

Don't give up before the miracles happen in You.

Rita
MsPINKAcres is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 06:49 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
ASpouse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
To me this is a bribe, not a boundary, plus it is too broad in nature, too subject to interpretation by him.

A boundary might be something like this (this is an example only):
"When you come home drunk, I will not engage in any sort of discussion with you" or "If you start destroying this house and I feel threatened, I will call the police to have you arrested".

Both of these examples are clear. He does x,y & z and you will do a,b & c. Boundaries should be made unemotionally and calmly. The key is following through with them, so do not make a boundary you will not enforce.

Hmmm, how do you let go ..... I guess the first step is to realize that you are powerless over his drinking (which includes his behavior and his words). You cannot control, cajole, humor or do things to make his behavior change while drinking. So I guess you need to step back and let it roll off your back.

I'm sure you are a wonderful person just the way you are, the way you dress, the way you talk and the way you behave. Try to see and believe in all the good in you. That will be a good first baby step to getting where you need to be.

LNF, this will get worse before it gets better, much worse!
ASpouse is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 06:54 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lostnotfound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
Thanks for your insight. I messed up setting a boundary, but it's out there now, so we'll see what happens tonight. Honestly, I would be shocked if he comes home from golfing and hasn't been drinking.

Even if I decided to stick it out in our marriage I don't think that he will stay married to me if I don't let him control me. Maybe he would be that way even if he wasn't drinking. I don't know, because he has always been drinking
lostnotfound is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 06:57 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
denny57's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by lostnotfound
I wear baggy pants to work and don't show what a beautiful woman I am..... If I don't listen to what he's telling me he will throw the bedroom TV through the window.
lnf, I'm glad you are going to a meeting Wednesday. If they do not read "Understanding Ourselves" at that meeting, see if they have the pamphlet it's in - Alcoholism the Family Disease.

I think what you did with the note and offer seems more like a bribe than a boundary. The boundary would be for you - I will not participate in activities with you if you've been drinking; and leave it at that.

I just want to add - the bit I've quoted out of your post - that is controlling and abusive behavior. What next? He'll throw you through the window if you wear baggy pants? It's bullying at its worse.

Please take care of yourself. I know how hard it is - I've been there. It can be so confusing because it seems at times you are dealing with two completely different people - and sometimes you are.

Your meeting is a first step forward. Look forward to hearing how you make out.
denny57 is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 07:01 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
jackson123's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: crown point
Posts: 66
I've heard all this before....

He's blaming everything on you and taking NO ACCOUNTABILITY. You should NOT have to bribe him to be sober for a night. It won't work anyway.
Been there done that. That is BEFORE I came here and caught on to all the manipulation. He needs to change not you.
My ABF still blames me for everything. He's been gone for over a month and still blames me. Still drinking. Calims he can't live without me. Ya Da Ya Da.

Good Luck.
jackson123 is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 07:03 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Acting not reacting
 
elizabeth1979's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi!
I am really glad you are here and posting. Please take my words in the spirit they are intended, which is love.

Maybe for me it was just a test to see if 1) He would go without drinking for the night
Please be careful when doing this sort of a test. When I have done this in the past, the only one who was tested was me. Would I actually follow through with my action and my boundry. I found that "testing" the alcoholic was my way of catching him in the act. IMO, tests are for children. Not grown men. My ex didnt need a test. His actions were his answers to any test I could have given him.
What worked for me, was allowing daily life to be the test. When I began to see his choices as how he responded to the test, I realized I didnt need to quiz him, his answers were clear!


I told him I can't deal with his temper tantrums and destructive behavior, yelling and screaming at me.
OK, good start to a boundry! You have identified something that you will not tolerate and made him aware of it. Now, the second part of a boundry, is what you will do should that behavior arise in the future and make him aware of it.

Boundries are good for me, because they stop me from getting into situations that make me uncomfortable, angry, controlled, let down, or any other less than positive emotion.
For me, a boundry I had was, if the ex began yelling and screaming, threatening to ruin property, I would leave the house. Sometimes for an hour, sometimes for the night.
Now, he was also aware that if he actually ruined property, the police would be called, that was a boundry.
Both of these examples are clear. He does x,y & z and you will do a,b & c. Boundaries should be made unemotionally and calmly. The key is following through with them, so do not make a boundary you will not enforce.
Asouse says it very well in the above!


....IF he does not drink...AT ALL...we can do something together tonight....go out to eat...go for a walk...watch a movie or whatever he wants. Was this the wrong thing to do? I don't know, but I tried to set a boundary for me and give him what he says he wants, which is my attention.
I used to do this also at first. In my case, it was an attempt to control his behavior and drinking with bribes of my attention. Again, I got let down, and hurt, bc I would come home to him drunk. I then felt like he didnt care enough to spend time with me, he would rather drink, I wasnt good enough..on and on.
So, that didnt work for me.
What that really is...
If you behave the way I want you to (allow me to control you), I will reward you.

I had to take the control out of it.

Hope this helps a little!
elizabeth1979 is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 07:51 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lostnotfound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
OK. I think I get it. I messed up, but it's out there now, so I have to stick by what I said. I don't think I was trying to control him...or maybe I was, I don't know anymore. I was trying to make an offering for lack of a better word. Maybe it was more of a test for ME, to see how I would feel spending the evening with him when he was sober.

I'm not holding my breath that he won't drink tonight. We'll see.
lostnotfound is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 08:03 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
ASpouse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
There is no need to test yourself LNF .... you are what you are, you like and dislike what you do. Dont' put yourself under such close scrutiny.
ASpouse is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 08:10 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
minnie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
And, for your own sake, walk away from those accusations. I always found that my ex thought that attack was the best form of defence i.e. when his own behaviour was in the spotlight, he would turn it all on me. My response? "We can talk about that later, for now we are talking about my issue with X." And if he continued, I would walk away.

And check out the thread I posted about boundaries. Especially the one that says you can't set a boundary and spare the other persons feelings. That was life-changing for me.
minnie is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 08:11 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by jackson123
He needs to change not you.
Have to disagree with this. If the marriage is to work, BOTH partners need to change. And even if the alcoholic refuses to change, and the marriage is doomed, the non-alcoholic spouse still needs to change or the pattern will repeat with a new partner.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 08:14 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Something about asking him not to drink while golfing when his typical
behaviour is in fact to do just that hits me.
I think that was a demand or a even a bribe leaving that note about
this evening. Personally a boundry to me is something that is in place
all the time. I think I would say something to the effect of
"When you come home drunk I will not interact with you on any level
and if you destroy our home in any way I will call the police."
As you have been told by others boundries are only effective if you
stay true to them.
pmaslan is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 08:44 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lostnotfound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
If the marriage is to work, BOTH partners need to change. And even if the alcoholic refuses to change, and the marriage is doomed, the non-alcoholic spouse still needs to change or the pattern will repeat with a new partner.

L

Which is what I was attempting to accomplish. To show him that I was trying to change. I may have gone about it the wrong way. I am trying to figure out if our marriage is doomed or not. I don't know how to do that without trying to be agreeable to some measure. Maybe there is no way, and I should just accept that our marriage can't be fixed.
lostnotfound is offline  
Old 07-25-2006, 08:46 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lostnotfound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by ASpouse
There is no need to test yourself LNF .... you are what you are, you like and dislike what you do. Dont' put yourself under such close scrutiny.
I think this is one of my main problems. My focus has been on him for so long that I don't know anymore what I like or dislike...and what I do or don't do just to pacify him. I feel like I have to put myself under some scrutiny to figure out who and what I am, because I think I've forgotten to a point.

Willing to take any suggestions you have to offer into consideration.
lostnotfound is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:32 AM.