difference between privacy and covering up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Auburn KY
Posts: 5
difference between privacy and covering up
Ohhhh, Boy, am I excited to have a forum for discussion!
Here's my next question.
Lately, my husband has been missing functions that the kids and I attend without him, such as school activities, and sometimes even a family thing. People inquire about him and I have been saying "he's busy" instead of "he's drinking/drunk/passed out". I usually receive an even more inquisitive look from them because folks generally know my husband is unemployed and can't be all that busy.
Is this protecting his privacy or covering up for him? I'm not ashamed at all to tell the truth, I have just thought maybe it wasn't dignified to reveal. Does it all hinge on the level of intimacy I have with the person inquiring?
Thanks for your thoughts.
Susanna
Here's my next question.
Lately, my husband has been missing functions that the kids and I attend without him, such as school activities, and sometimes even a family thing. People inquire about him and I have been saying "he's busy" instead of "he's drinking/drunk/passed out". I usually receive an even more inquisitive look from them because folks generally know my husband is unemployed and can't be all that busy.
Is this protecting his privacy or covering up for him? I'm not ashamed at all to tell the truth, I have just thought maybe it wasn't dignified to reveal. Does it all hinge on the level of intimacy I have with the person inquiring?
Thanks for your thoughts.
Susanna
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
what a good question Suzanna !
many people even in my extended family
still do not know what happened this past
yr. (daughter alcoholic and son had mental
thing with alcohol abuse) I sometimes wonder
what i should or shouldnt say. NOt sure whose
business it is to know or not know.
those in AA remain anonymous to an extent.
will listen while others state how they handled it
hugs liddy
many people even in my extended family
still do not know what happened this past
yr. (daughter alcoholic and son had mental
thing with alcohol abuse) I sometimes wonder
what i should or shouldnt say. NOt sure whose
business it is to know or not know.
those in AA remain anonymous to an extent.
will listen while others state how they handled it
hugs liddy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hi OSusanna,
I and many others I'm sure can relate to having to "COVER UP"
for our husbands or wives on one occasion or another.
I believe it does have to do with who your talking to. If my husband could not make it to school activities I did not feel comfortable telling a teacher it was because of drinking. Years ago I even told family members it was because he was working that he did not attend a birthday party or some other get together. And then there are always the times when he did attend a family function and get really drunk and they would ask if he drank very often like that. Usually when someone asked I would then tell them the truth and they would either be shocked or totally understand and really already knew there was a problem, depending on who it was and how close we were.
There is one thing for sure and that is WE do not have to be ashamed or embarrassed ever about their problem. I can see that now, but years ago I couldn't. Alot of the time people already know that something is not right and they just don't feel they should say or ask about it. I have had family members tell me this on many occasions.
Take care,
matters
I and many others I'm sure can relate to having to "COVER UP"
for our husbands or wives on one occasion or another.
I believe it does have to do with who your talking to. If my husband could not make it to school activities I did not feel comfortable telling a teacher it was because of drinking. Years ago I even told family members it was because he was working that he did not attend a birthday party or some other get together. And then there are always the times when he did attend a family function and get really drunk and they would ask if he drank very often like that. Usually when someone asked I would then tell them the truth and they would either be shocked or totally understand and really already knew there was a problem, depending on who it was and how close we were.
There is one thing for sure and that is WE do not have to be ashamed or embarrassed ever about their problem. I can see that now, but years ago I couldn't. Alot of the time people already know that something is not right and they just don't feel they should say or ask about it. I have had family members tell me this on many occasions.
Take care,
matters
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
to cover or not to cover...
Susanna
Hi there,
Gowing up with the family disease, I told so many people my problems and most of them never got it...(Mostly because way back then alcoholism wasn't accecpted as a disease in our area. They were just drunks)
If they haven't lived with it most of them JUST didn't understand...It's kind of like until you've walked in my shoes.
Today I try never to turn my feelings & thoughts over to ANYONE with less than gentle hands....That's where my sponsor and my Al-Anon home group come in...Today I can go to my sponsor or home group and tell them anything and everything. Not only do they understand but they do not judge me or the A's in my life...
Today I do not explain anyone's behavior. I am not responsible for any ones behavior but my own. I know the embarrassment of watching a loved one staggering down the hall from drinking too much but until I learned the 3 C's and got that information from my head to my heart it was so very hard. That's also the longest distance in the world.
The 3 C'S
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it...
Hope this helps..Iam sure they are others who have other options available too. Take care and I am glad you came back
Hi there,
Gowing up with the family disease, I told so many people my problems and most of them never got it...(Mostly because way back then alcoholism wasn't accecpted as a disease in our area. They were just drunks)
If they haven't lived with it most of them JUST didn't understand...It's kind of like until you've walked in my shoes.
Today I try never to turn my feelings & thoughts over to ANYONE with less than gentle hands....That's where my sponsor and my Al-Anon home group come in...Today I can go to my sponsor or home group and tell them anything and everything. Not only do they understand but they do not judge me or the A's in my life...
Today I do not explain anyone's behavior. I am not responsible for any ones behavior but my own. I know the embarrassment of watching a loved one staggering down the hall from drinking too much but until I learned the 3 C's and got that information from my head to my heart it was so very hard. That's also the longest distance in the world.
The 3 C'S
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it...
Hope this helps..Iam sure they are others who have other options available too. Take care and I am glad you came back
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Central California
Posts: 3
What about...
Great question. I'm wondering what I might say, because my spouse is also a binger. What about if you said, "I can't imagine why he would not be here" or "I am as surprised as you are that he is not here" or some such thing. That way, you are taking no responsibility. Hugs, Beth in California
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
I deal with this issue on a
"need to know basis". And I don't feel like I'm "covering up" when I don't tell certain people the real story. I agree with Daffodil, there are a lot of people who just don't get it. Having said that, I will have to share my favorite Stephen King quote. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of "understanding ears" out there. This place is the exception to that rule.
"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them—words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear."
- Stephen King
"The Body"
"Four Past Midnight"
"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them—words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear."
- Stephen King
"The Body"
"Four Past Midnight"
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Covering up is when we make excuses for them. Privacy is when we give answers such as "He was unable to come tonight" and if they as why "Personal reasons".
We don't owe the world an explanation. And I know that I take special care in choosing with whom I will discuss my son's addiction and/or recovery. In many cases it is just none of their business. I only discuss it with people that I feel safe with.
I recently started a new job, and out of polite interest, many there have asked me about my son. I have offered that he is going through some difficulties in his life and has some serious issues to address, and leave it at that.
Never presume that anyone will "understand" or even have a clue what this is all about. And I have learned from experience that making it anyone else's business, just sets me up for more questions that I am not prepared to answer.
Practice some answers for those that you know will ask. And don't let them pressure you to say more than you want. "It's very personal" is often a good stopper.
We don't owe the world an explanation. And I know that I take special care in choosing with whom I will discuss my son's addiction and/or recovery. In many cases it is just none of their business. I only discuss it with people that I feel safe with.
I recently started a new job, and out of polite interest, many there have asked me about my son. I have offered that he is going through some difficulties in his life and has some serious issues to address, and leave it at that.
Never presume that anyone will "understand" or even have a clue what this is all about. And I have learned from experience that making it anyone else's business, just sets me up for more questions that I am not prepared to answer.
Practice some answers for those that you know will ask. And don't let them pressure you to say more than you want. "It's very personal" is often a good stopper.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Auburn KY
Posts: 5
Thank you all for your wise words! I am really grateful for some input here. I tend to run around chasing my tail mentally, so to speak, with only babies as my company for the day.
Gabe, the Stephen King quote was apropos...thanks.
I have searched my heart today and realize that my secret urge is to nark my husband out to anybody and everybody. The motive being that I am harboring resentment towards him. I try so hard not to be, but I'm mad. And he has let me down.
However, I will choose to share my situation with only those who will handle me gently. And I will hold my head high.
peace,
Susanna
Gabe, the Stephen King quote was apropos...thanks.
I have searched my heart today and realize that my secret urge is to nark my husband out to anybody and everybody. The motive being that I am harboring resentment towards him. I try so hard not to be, but I'm mad. And he has let me down.
However, I will choose to share my situation with only those who will handle me gently. And I will hold my head high.
peace,
Susanna
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