drinking and cocaine
anamaria
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: texas
Posts: 36
drinking and cocaine
I am writing b/c I don't know what to do and need advice really bad. I am worried about my husband's drinking. I'm not really sure where to begin. He doesn't drink all the time...but within the past 6 months when he drinks, he REALLY drinks...especially when it's liquor. He started a new job about 6 months ago and it's definitely more responsiblity and demands. I can think of 4 occasions where he drank so much that his breathing was very labored was rambling about his childhood (not about his parents, about situations he got into) and he was very aggressive. One occasion he said he snuck out to his truck to drink, b/c if I saw him in the house, he knew I'd be upset. The last 2 times I caught him doing cocaine which I've never seen him do.
I am sick with worry and when I talk to him he says he doesn't have a problem, the cocaine is just recreational. His biggest excuse is that his drinking is not a problem b/c
1. He's never had a problem at work,
2. He's never hit me (or our kids)
3. He's never hurt anyone driving
4. etc,etc,etc.etc.
It's going to take something REALLY bad to make him realize his problem.
I'm worried about his health, how he changes when he uses.
I really need advice on what to do. He WON"T accept that he needs help (of course). Anyone, please give some advice...
I am sick with worry and when I talk to him he says he doesn't have a problem, the cocaine is just recreational. His biggest excuse is that his drinking is not a problem b/c
1. He's never had a problem at work,
2. He's never hit me (or our kids)
3. He's never hurt anyone driving
4. etc,etc,etc.etc.
It's going to take something REALLY bad to make him realize his problem.
I'm worried about his health, how he changes when he uses.
I really need advice on what to do. He WON"T accept that he needs help (of course). Anyone, please give some advice...
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
As his wife, you probably don't want to become a "mother" figure to him -- you know, "catching him doing wrong" and scolding him for it. I'm also guessing that you don't want to be forced into becoming a shrew, right? You're worried, and you love him, and you're scared, and you want your husband back, correct?
A new, more demanding job can be very stressful and disorienting (and even bring up feelings of inadequacy). Maybe he's being overwhelmed by his emotions, and is trying to run from them as a way of coping. Wagging your finger and tongue at him will only make things worse, driving him away from you, (I'm not saying that you're doing that -- just that you need to avoid letting things devolve to that point). If he's running out to the truck to drink, that's a bad sign. It means he's avoiding you. The truck may only be the one occassion that you found out about it.
Definitely try to talk to him, but not in an adversarial or "I want you to change" kind of way. At this point I think you need to make sure he understands that you love him and are his supportive wife. Maybe even something as drastic as "Honey, if you need to get plastered, then do it in the basement -- I'll keep the kids away from you and come down later to snuggle".
Some might say that this is bad advice, but I think its important at this point that he understands that no matter what, you are his ALLIE -- someone he can count on and turn to. Your marriage is at stake here too. You need to make sure he's comfortable talking to you. Right now he doesn't see his behavior as a problem -- you don't want him to transfer that into YOU being the problem.
Having said that, are you the only one who's noticing these changes? What about friends and close family members (not your kids). I'm not saying that things are to the point where you need to do an intervention, (are they?). But maybe you can discretely enlist the help of those around you?
Organize an outing with other couples that doesn't involve alcohol. Find ways for him to have close friends around him who care about him, in situations that don't involve alcohol. Maybe get both of you more involved in church functions, (your minister or priest can be of great help with what you're dealing with). Find ways for you two to be alone together without alcohol or cocaine, rediscovering why you married each other. Go for an intimate walk in the mountains or through a park or go swimming with the kids.
Basically find ways to discretely show him that there are better ways to deal with the stress -- ways that don't involve alcohol and DO involve you two being together.
Hope this helps.
A new, more demanding job can be very stressful and disorienting (and even bring up feelings of inadequacy). Maybe he's being overwhelmed by his emotions, and is trying to run from them as a way of coping. Wagging your finger and tongue at him will only make things worse, driving him away from you, (I'm not saying that you're doing that -- just that you need to avoid letting things devolve to that point). If he's running out to the truck to drink, that's a bad sign. It means he's avoiding you. The truck may only be the one occassion that you found out about it.
Definitely try to talk to him, but not in an adversarial or "I want you to change" kind of way. At this point I think you need to make sure he understands that you love him and are his supportive wife. Maybe even something as drastic as "Honey, if you need to get plastered, then do it in the basement -- I'll keep the kids away from you and come down later to snuggle".
Some might say that this is bad advice, but I think its important at this point that he understands that no matter what, you are his ALLIE -- someone he can count on and turn to. Your marriage is at stake here too. You need to make sure he's comfortable talking to you. Right now he doesn't see his behavior as a problem -- you don't want him to transfer that into YOU being the problem.
Having said that, are you the only one who's noticing these changes? What about friends and close family members (not your kids). I'm not saying that things are to the point where you need to do an intervention, (are they?). But maybe you can discretely enlist the help of those around you?
Organize an outing with other couples that doesn't involve alcohol. Find ways for him to have close friends around him who care about him, in situations that don't involve alcohol. Maybe get both of you more involved in church functions, (your minister or priest can be of great help with what you're dealing with). Find ways for you two to be alone together without alcohol or cocaine, rediscovering why you married each other. Go for an intimate walk in the mountains or through a park or go swimming with the kids.
Basically find ways to discretely show him that there are better ways to deal with the stress -- ways that don't involve alcohol and DO involve you two being together.
Hope this helps.
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
The cocaine is very alarming. Its only going to bring no end of trouble. You need to ask him please to stop that, if nothing else then for the sake of the kids, and the house, and your lives together, etc.
But he can't view your asking him as demanding that he choose between you and it, (even though he does need to chose between you and it). He just needs to put it down for a while, while you two work on being closer, (and then later never pick it up again).
The cocaine is the scariest thing, I think. The real problem is that he's withdrawing in order to deal with the pressure, rather than turning to you.
Just my two cents.
But he can't view your asking him as demanding that he choose between you and it, (even though he does need to chose between you and it). He just needs to put it down for a while, while you two work on being closer, (and then later never pick it up again).
The cocaine is the scariest thing, I think. The real problem is that he's withdrawing in order to deal with the pressure, rather than turning to you.
Just my two cents.
anamaria
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: texas
Posts: 36
Green Tea,
thank you for your thoughts. It made me cry, b/c I do need to alter our outings and take charge at different dates for eachother. I mean we will go to dinner but he orders a beer and a tequila shot. The other night he came back from the bathroom smelling of Jimador b/c he stopped at the bar and ordered a shot. He works in sales and are around a lot of social and abuser drinkers.
You're right about waving my finger at him. He gets SO mad at me. Calls me a nag, that I'm being negative, to leave him alone! I tell him I care about him and our family and he just tells me to stop nagging!
No no one else knows....he portrays himself so responsible, strong, focused at work, with his family. He would be so mad at me if I said anything to his family/work friends. Quite frankly, I don't know WHO to talk to/tell about him...thank God I found this forum.
thank you for your thoughts. It made me cry, b/c I do need to alter our outings and take charge at different dates for eachother. I mean we will go to dinner but he orders a beer and a tequila shot. The other night he came back from the bathroom smelling of Jimador b/c he stopped at the bar and ordered a shot. He works in sales and are around a lot of social and abuser drinkers.
You're right about waving my finger at him. He gets SO mad at me. Calls me a nag, that I'm being negative, to leave him alone! I tell him I care about him and our family and he just tells me to stop nagging!
No no one else knows....he portrays himself so responsible, strong, focused at work, with his family. He would be so mad at me if I said anything to his family/work friends. Quite frankly, I don't know WHO to talk to/tell about him...thank God I found this forum.
anamaria
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: texas
Posts: 36
The real problem is that he's withdrawing in order to deal with the pressure, rather than turning to you.
Yes, I really think it's work and the pressure. His new job has turned very demanding compared to his last job where he worked out of the house. He know has a lot of stress. I need to help him destress and relax more...
He "likes" his job b/c he's making more money than he's ever made. I've told him that I'd rather move back home and have him find a less stressful job even if it's for less $.
Yes, I really think it's work and the pressure. His new job has turned very demanding compared to his last job where he worked out of the house. He know has a lot of stress. I need to help him destress and relax more...
He "likes" his job b/c he's making more money than he's ever made. I've told him that I'd rather move back home and have him find a less stressful job even if it's for less $.
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
AnaMarie, I hope I'm helping...
I understand about needing to talk with someone -- it sounds like frankly, you just don't know what to do, and its clear that its tearing you up inside. Something that might help is finding an Al-Anon meeting near you. Here are two links that might help:
http://www.alanon.org.za
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org
The people there will have a whole lot of experience dealing with exactly the same thing you're facing right now. They can give you tons of good advice and help, and even help YOU with all the feelings and issues the whole thing is causing inside you.
You can arrange outings for you and your husband with your friends without feeling like you're "telling on him" or betraying anything. Its not as hard as it sounds. Something like, "Hey girlfriend, how about we have a group picnic or hit the beach -- let's leave the booze at home since we'll have the kids with us". Things like that.
I think working on recapturing the intimacy between you and your husband is crucial. It'll show him that there are other, better ways to soothe the pressure he's feeling and to deal with the emotions. It'll also help you, and your state of mind too.
Massages are always good. Rub his shoulders and neck. Give him a full body massage (with a "happy ending") and don't forget to have him give you one too. Tell him you'll do that with / for him each night he comes home and doesn't stop at the bar. Snuggle in front of the TV or while watching the kids. Give him a good morning kiss! Give him another as he leaves for work. Make it so he *wants* to come home every night to be with you.
I'm not saying you should turn yourself into some kind of doormat. I'm just saying to try to recapture some of why you two got married to begin with. You two used to draw strength and happiness from each other, right? Try to get some of that back. He's the one withdrawing.
Keeping the emotional closeness between you two is critical. I'm guessing that something there has been lost. You need to find it again and foster it and encourage it to grow. If you do, then eventually he'll open up to you again and he'll stop withdrawing. Its his withdrawing that's the real problem -- he's not just withdrawing from you, he's withdrawing from everything. He needs you to help him with that right now, even if he doesn't realize it.
"Honey, I know that things are really rough for you right now. I love you and I want to be there for you. I'm your wife and I want things to be better. What can I do to help?" Things like that. Do little things that show and remind him that you love him and are there for him. If he isn't already too far gone then he'll start to come around.
You don't have to wait for "something really bad" to happen to bring things to a head. Something really bad has already happened. There's a barrier between you two. He didn't put it there because of you personally. He put it there because right now he's putting up barriers against the world. Don't hand him more bricks, that's all I'm saying. You'll have to be gentle about helping him take down the bricks that are already up.
I sincerely hope this helps. This site can be a wonderful resource for you, but you also need to find someone you can talk to about this in person. One nice thing about Al-Anon is the anonymity. Not only do they all understand what you're going through, but they'll also being willing to help and they won't tell!!!
I understand about needing to talk with someone -- it sounds like frankly, you just don't know what to do, and its clear that its tearing you up inside. Something that might help is finding an Al-Anon meeting near you. Here are two links that might help:
http://www.alanon.org.za
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org
The people there will have a whole lot of experience dealing with exactly the same thing you're facing right now. They can give you tons of good advice and help, and even help YOU with all the feelings and issues the whole thing is causing inside you.
You can arrange outings for you and your husband with your friends without feeling like you're "telling on him" or betraying anything. Its not as hard as it sounds. Something like, "Hey girlfriend, how about we have a group picnic or hit the beach -- let's leave the booze at home since we'll have the kids with us". Things like that.
I think working on recapturing the intimacy between you and your husband is crucial. It'll show him that there are other, better ways to soothe the pressure he's feeling and to deal with the emotions. It'll also help you, and your state of mind too.
Massages are always good. Rub his shoulders and neck. Give him a full body massage (with a "happy ending") and don't forget to have him give you one too. Tell him you'll do that with / for him each night he comes home and doesn't stop at the bar. Snuggle in front of the TV or while watching the kids. Give him a good morning kiss! Give him another as he leaves for work. Make it so he *wants* to come home every night to be with you.
I'm not saying you should turn yourself into some kind of doormat. I'm just saying to try to recapture some of why you two got married to begin with. You two used to draw strength and happiness from each other, right? Try to get some of that back. He's the one withdrawing.
Keeping the emotional closeness between you two is critical. I'm guessing that something there has been lost. You need to find it again and foster it and encourage it to grow. If you do, then eventually he'll open up to you again and he'll stop withdrawing. Its his withdrawing that's the real problem -- he's not just withdrawing from you, he's withdrawing from everything. He needs you to help him with that right now, even if he doesn't realize it.
"Honey, I know that things are really rough for you right now. I love you and I want to be there for you. I'm your wife and I want things to be better. What can I do to help?" Things like that. Do little things that show and remind him that you love him and are there for him. If he isn't already too far gone then he'll start to come around.
You don't have to wait for "something really bad" to happen to bring things to a head. Something really bad has already happened. There's a barrier between you two. He didn't put it there because of you personally. He put it there because right now he's putting up barriers against the world. Don't hand him more bricks, that's all I'm saying. You'll have to be gentle about helping him take down the bricks that are already up.
I sincerely hope this helps. This site can be a wonderful resource for you, but you also need to find someone you can talk to about this in person. One nice thing about Al-Anon is the anonymity. Not only do they all understand what you're going through, but they'll also being willing to help and they won't tell!!!
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
I defer to wiser and more experienced minds...
She was practically begging for advice, and I was just trying to help. She said it started recently with the new job, not that there was a long history of getting gradually worse. It sounded to me like emotional upset that was leading him towards the path and away from her, not that he was already well down the path.
You will notice the referral to Al-Anon. I was just trying to help.
She was practically begging for advice, and I was just trying to help. She said it started recently with the new job, not that there was a long history of getting gradually worse. It sounded to me like emotional upset that was leading him towards the path and away from her, not that he was already well down the path.
You will notice the referral to Al-Anon. I was just trying to help.
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