Wondering
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Wondering
Sometimes I get scared because I am thinking that I haven't heard the last of my ex. I have been thinking about changing my number. He does not know where I live thank goodness. What do you guys think? Do I have reasons to be afraid of that? This was on my mind this morning and wanted to share it with you guys.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Prettywoman,
I read your other post and now this one. I congratulate you for taking a stand and doing what is best for you and the babies.
No one can tell you what to do about changing your phone number. I'm sure is it hard going through this break up. But what you have to decide is either you want him in your life or you don't. My experience, and this is just MY experience, tells me that it is hard to keep the A in 'middle' ground, especially if he is drinking.
You might want to ask yourself, "Does talking to him make me feel better? Do I hang up feeling happy or sad? Do I see any concrete changes in his behavior? Do I want him to keep allowing him to tug at my heart when I know his behavior hasn't changed?"
Think about yourself and your babies. I KNOW it is hard, but you have to think about the LONG run. What will be best for you,your children?
In my life, I've just always found it's best to make a total break if I really want to move on.
Hugs to you,
Hangin' In
I read your other post and now this one. I congratulate you for taking a stand and doing what is best for you and the babies.
No one can tell you what to do about changing your phone number. I'm sure is it hard going through this break up. But what you have to decide is either you want him in your life or you don't. My experience, and this is just MY experience, tells me that it is hard to keep the A in 'middle' ground, especially if he is drinking.
You might want to ask yourself, "Does talking to him make me feel better? Do I hang up feeling happy or sad? Do I see any concrete changes in his behavior? Do I want him to keep allowing him to tug at my heart when I know his behavior hasn't changed?"
Think about yourself and your babies. I KNOW it is hard, but you have to think about the LONG run. What will be best for you,your children?
In my life, I've just always found it's best to make a total break if I really want to move on.
Hugs to you,
Hangin' In
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
I Agree
I agree with you. Let me share with you what happened to me last Thursday at 4 A.M. Something woke me up and I noticed that my message button was flashing on my phone so I listened to the message. It was my ex, he was drunk and he started by saying" I am not very happy right now" I think you are playing games and that is not cool" I have to be honest and tell you that I am with someone new and I need to be staright with her" Who ever you with get away from him and call me back" there was other stuff I rather not put on here but you get the idea. I was shaking with fear. I could not understand why am I fealing this way right now? I did not call back! I haden't talked to him in 10 days, I kept quiet just living my life and actually starting to feel so much better and happier not being on that rollercoaster. The next day he called, he was very sweet and cheerful with me. I talked to him because I felt it was ok. I asked him to explain his accusations to me that he had left on my phone. I told him that there is no need to rub his new gf under my nose and asked him what he was thinking about telling me this. He said" Oh I just said that to get your attention and I was afraid you would not talk to me or call me anymore". I told him that this was not the way to get my attention. He continued talking to me in a very cheerful way. And I must say that I felt a tiny bit of hope after all I still love him. The next day something darned on me and I realized that he lied to me about this new gf. I believe that he has one and that part doesen't bother me because I know that he is with her to numb his own pain and instead of dealing with his problems he rather runs to someone else that will make him "feel better". Anyway his life, his choices. I choose to not be there and ride the rollercoaster anymore. So I called him and I did not even give him a chance to explain. I said " You lied to me and you manipulated me" I do not want to hear from you ever again, live your life and I will live mine" He said very none challant "Ok", than he got upset and said "Why are you doing this ? What's wrong ?" CLICK! I hung up! I realize that he is ill and that he has very dysfunctional ways that I do not want to be a part of anymore. Yes, I do love him, I just know that he will not change unless he wants to, and lets face it ladies and gentleman that will not happen soon if ever. We are who we are. Everything he is doing or saying is to get a "reaction" out of me. I can stay on that rollercoaster ride or jump off and I am jumping as fast as I can. Yes it is hard and yes I hurt and I rather hurt than to be with someone than can't give me what I want and maybe never will be able to. It is not my place to "fix" him, he has to do this alone and from what I see he has gotten him a "fix" already but he is her problem now. I intend to write about this experience and post it on my web site. There are way to many that suffer because of someone else and we don't have to. I used to get so angry at people that actually choose to live with an A or anyone that abuses them. I do understand now that when one loves it is very hard to make a choice to leave. Leaving him was the right choice. I know this. Do I have expectations that he will be healthy and come to us and sweep us of our feet, maybe, somewhere in my heart there is a tiny flame lingering around. I know I must continue to be strong and learn to love me more and to take care of me and knowing that this is ok. I am not experienced with alocohol and its problems. This was my very 1st experience and when I noticed that something was wrong, I set boundaries and concequences and stuck with them even though it was so hard. The result, I lost him, he did not want to make the effort, why ? because he is not ready to change. He lives in his sick world of thinking and he lives in denial. I can only take care of me and continue to make good choices for me. I think that his calls are manipulations to keep me under his control. What do you think? I know that I will not allow him to push my buttons anymore and am avoiding him , I am silent and just live my beautiful life.
Last edited by prettywoman; 02-25-2003 at 07:40 AM.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Pretty,
You, my dear, have LOTS of insight. You really should be proud of yourself, really!
As I was reading your post, several things came to mind. But guess what? As I kept reading you went on to say EXACTLY what I was thinking.
First thought was: He's manipulating, plain and simple. Pretty, I didn't have any experience with A's either and was manipulated for quite a while. But him calling you, telling you of another g/f (whether she really does exist or not) is nothing but trying to manipulate you, make you jealous and possibly get you back. And from what I can tell, it is HE that is doing the game playing, NOT YOU. YOU have very clearly stated what you will accept. He, on the other hand, it trying different tricks to see if he can get you back into 'the dance' with him.
Your guy is searching for something, Pretty. I feel sure of that. But the problem is he is going about it all in the wrong way, and until HE wants sobriety bad enough, there is not a DARN thing you can do. He trying anything and everything he can to fill the void in his life. Doesn't want to face the music and admit he really needs to do something about his drinking problem. But Pretty, a person cannot change what they do not acknowledge.....period.
Did you notice he goes from the manipulating game to the blame game? Oh yes, favorites of alcoholics. That way they don't have to focus attention on the REAL problem, the drinking. "Let me just blame someone else for all the mess in my life." Don't accept his blame. You did not cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it.
Pretty, do you go to Al Anon? If not, I'd really encourage you to seek out a meeting and go. I know it is SUCH a support group for me. People there understand and know exactly what you are going through. Do it for yourself...you'll be glad you did!
And Pretty, one more thing. I heard Dr. Phil say this when a spouse was saying she was missing her abusive ex husband. He said, and it is SO TRUE:
"You are not missing WHAT you had. You are missing what you WISHED you had."
I know how it is to want to hang on to that tiny glimmer of hope, but we have to face reality, Pretty. If he has not admitted his problem and is not seeking help, NOTHING is going to change in your relationship.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
You, my dear, have LOTS of insight. You really should be proud of yourself, really!
As I was reading your post, several things came to mind. But guess what? As I kept reading you went on to say EXACTLY what I was thinking.
First thought was: He's manipulating, plain and simple. Pretty, I didn't have any experience with A's either and was manipulated for quite a while. But him calling you, telling you of another g/f (whether she really does exist or not) is nothing but trying to manipulate you, make you jealous and possibly get you back. And from what I can tell, it is HE that is doing the game playing, NOT YOU. YOU have very clearly stated what you will accept. He, on the other hand, it trying different tricks to see if he can get you back into 'the dance' with him.
Your guy is searching for something, Pretty. I feel sure of that. But the problem is he is going about it all in the wrong way, and until HE wants sobriety bad enough, there is not a DARN thing you can do. He trying anything and everything he can to fill the void in his life. Doesn't want to face the music and admit he really needs to do something about his drinking problem. But Pretty, a person cannot change what they do not acknowledge.....period.
Did you notice he goes from the manipulating game to the blame game? Oh yes, favorites of alcoholics. That way they don't have to focus attention on the REAL problem, the drinking. "Let me just blame someone else for all the mess in my life." Don't accept his blame. You did not cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it.
Pretty, do you go to Al Anon? If not, I'd really encourage you to seek out a meeting and go. I know it is SUCH a support group for me. People there understand and know exactly what you are going through. Do it for yourself...you'll be glad you did!
And Pretty, one more thing. I heard Dr. Phil say this when a spouse was saying she was missing her abusive ex husband. He said, and it is SO TRUE:
"You are not missing WHAT you had. You are missing what you WISHED you had."
I know how it is to want to hang on to that tiny glimmer of hope, but we have to face reality, Pretty. If he has not admitted his problem and is not seeking help, NOTHING is going to change in your relationship.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Dear Hangin' In
You are right, thank you. Yes, I do go to AlAnon and I also attend CODA. I realized that there had to be a "reason" why I allowed someone to abuse me in this way and I was there for that time. Even though I detached for some time, I still had the urge to want to be with him and that was the part I questioned. So yes, I am getting all the help I can get and I am now seeing clearly and know that I am a wonderful woman that deserve the very best always. And yes you right, I wanted to be with the man I met, the one who loved me, cherished me and wanted to marry me only a few weeks ago. The man that I trusted my life with. Don't we all want that ?
I know his ways now. And I know now to avoid that drama. I don;t think I ever had so much drama in my entire life than when I was with him. I also noticed that the second I said to him " This is not the way I want to be treated" he started rebelling. Than he says " We are done" I don't want a relationship with you" after I detached. Yet he continues to want me to be in his "games". Whathe wants, I believe, is the "old me", meaning the person that was quiet and did not speak up when he abused me. I did not speak up at the time because I was in SHOCK! I did not know if this was real or not, to stunned you know but not for long! So I reacted in a healthy way to his abuse. I understand relationships end, and I am not the type of woman that stalks a guy to be with me. Yes it hurts but I accept it in a healthy way and move on, it is as simple as that for me. So my questions would be, he says and acts as if we are done yet when I get quiet and don't be in touch with him, he appears again. I understand he has a right to his babies and sure this could be the reason why and nothing else but why make the drama ? Why do I need to know if he has a nes sex partner? Now that in itself is so ill to me. How do you sleep with someone you only know a couple of weeks ? I am still alone by my choice. I will not think about a relationship. This is all so sick to me to even understand his behavior.
For everyone that has experienced this I have something to share:
To Those of You Whose Ex Has A New Mate
DON'T SWEAT IT!!! Rather than roughing the pain of a break-up or failed relationship alone, they have decided to just run to someone else. We all know what that's called - a rebound relationship. Even when they stay or even get married, it always leads to divorce or break-up. Why? Because after a relationship, you need time to reflect on the mistakes you made so that they don't happen again. But people who are egotistical or in denial refuse to admit that they could possibly have done anything wrong. So they go on like nothing ever happened. And guess what? They end up making the same mistakes all over again.
Some of them actually wise up after a while and realize that they made a huge mistake by bailing out. But that doesn't happen if they see you out on the street moping, hair uncombed, with a hump in your back because you've spent so much time staring at the ground. So what do you do when you feel like all your confidence and dignity is gone? I've seen countless posts on here about how great the ex was, how he/she was so great, so successful. As I was asking Rochelle, aren't you great? Aren't you successful? Aren't you beautiful? Yes, you are. So stop giving them all the credit and save some for yourself. Start by writing down all the great things about you..how you're smart, pretty, loyal, have a good heart, patient, athletic, whatever. Then write down your faults...that you're too emotional, too clingy sometimes, maybe a little forgetful, whatever. I bet you hands down that the good things far outweigh the bad. And that, yes, sometimes the bad can be annoying, but you're worth it. Then do the same with the ex. You'll realize that, hey, this guy/girl wasn't so great. He/she did this, did that. Why was I blowing him/her up so much?
Then know that whatever fun they're having now is temporary, especially if they cheated or lied to you when they got with this new person. Because God doesn't like ugly and neither does karma. What goes around comes around threefold. So while you're crying now, yes, they are smiling. But you have years of happiness ahead of you if you do good to others and work hard, and they have years ahead of regret for mistreating you and refusing to put in the hours for the reward. What would you rather have, a year of joy and fifty of pain, or one year of abject misery and fifty of pure bliss? Take your pick.
And if you really are the best of the best for them, they will find out soon enough. It might not be for a few weeks, months, or even years, but it will hit them someday. And while you're off in your permanent, stable, happy new relationship, they will be bitter with regret, wondering why they have to settle for bronze when they could've had gold.
Remember, one man's trash is another's treasure. And when your ex sees someone picking you up off the curb and taking you home, they are going to start wondering, "Maybe I shouldn't have thrown that away."
It happens over and over again. People lose sight of the big picture and go for the quick reward. But having a few bucks in your pocket now doesn't come close to having a million in the bank for the rest of your life.
So let them smile while you cry. Because they'll be crying for a lot longer than they ever smiled. And you'll be smiling for a lot longer than you ever cried.
I think that is so true. I learned from this experience just how much I am worth being loved in a healthy way. Before I met my bf I was single by choice for almost 10 years. I have to admit I did that because of self love, I love me and don't hurt me and I did not want someone else to hurt me. I trusted this man and got hurt. I will not close my heart for 10 more years I asure you. I know that part ofloving myself is also to keep my heart open to a love that is going to be there in a healthy way.
I know his ways now. And I know now to avoid that drama. I don;t think I ever had so much drama in my entire life than when I was with him. I also noticed that the second I said to him " This is not the way I want to be treated" he started rebelling. Than he says " We are done" I don't want a relationship with you" after I detached. Yet he continues to want me to be in his "games". Whathe wants, I believe, is the "old me", meaning the person that was quiet and did not speak up when he abused me. I did not speak up at the time because I was in SHOCK! I did not know if this was real or not, to stunned you know but not for long! So I reacted in a healthy way to his abuse. I understand relationships end, and I am not the type of woman that stalks a guy to be with me. Yes it hurts but I accept it in a healthy way and move on, it is as simple as that for me. So my questions would be, he says and acts as if we are done yet when I get quiet and don't be in touch with him, he appears again. I understand he has a right to his babies and sure this could be the reason why and nothing else but why make the drama ? Why do I need to know if he has a nes sex partner? Now that in itself is so ill to me. How do you sleep with someone you only know a couple of weeks ? I am still alone by my choice. I will not think about a relationship. This is all so sick to me to even understand his behavior. For everyone that has experienced this I have something to share:
To Those of You Whose Ex Has A New Mate
DON'T SWEAT IT!!! Rather than roughing the pain of a break-up or failed relationship alone, they have decided to just run to someone else. We all know what that's called - a rebound relationship. Even when they stay or even get married, it always leads to divorce or break-up. Why? Because after a relationship, you need time to reflect on the mistakes you made so that they don't happen again. But people who are egotistical or in denial refuse to admit that they could possibly have done anything wrong. So they go on like nothing ever happened. And guess what? They end up making the same mistakes all over again.
Some of them actually wise up after a while and realize that they made a huge mistake by bailing out. But that doesn't happen if they see you out on the street moping, hair uncombed, with a hump in your back because you've spent so much time staring at the ground. So what do you do when you feel like all your confidence and dignity is gone? I've seen countless posts on here about how great the ex was, how he/she was so great, so successful. As I was asking Rochelle, aren't you great? Aren't you successful? Aren't you beautiful? Yes, you are. So stop giving them all the credit and save some for yourself. Start by writing down all the great things about you..how you're smart, pretty, loyal, have a good heart, patient, athletic, whatever. Then write down your faults...that you're too emotional, too clingy sometimes, maybe a little forgetful, whatever. I bet you hands down that the good things far outweigh the bad. And that, yes, sometimes the bad can be annoying, but you're worth it. Then do the same with the ex. You'll realize that, hey, this guy/girl wasn't so great. He/she did this, did that. Why was I blowing him/her up so much?
Then know that whatever fun they're having now is temporary, especially if they cheated or lied to you when they got with this new person. Because God doesn't like ugly and neither does karma. What goes around comes around threefold. So while you're crying now, yes, they are smiling. But you have years of happiness ahead of you if you do good to others and work hard, and they have years ahead of regret for mistreating you and refusing to put in the hours for the reward. What would you rather have, a year of joy and fifty of pain, or one year of abject misery and fifty of pure bliss? Take your pick.
And if you really are the best of the best for them, they will find out soon enough. It might not be for a few weeks, months, or even years, but it will hit them someday. And while you're off in your permanent, stable, happy new relationship, they will be bitter with regret, wondering why they have to settle for bronze when they could've had gold.
Remember, one man's trash is another's treasure. And when your ex sees someone picking you up off the curb and taking you home, they are going to start wondering, "Maybe I shouldn't have thrown that away."
It happens over and over again. People lose sight of the big picture and go for the quick reward. But having a few bucks in your pocket now doesn't come close to having a million in the bank for the rest of your life.
So let them smile while you cry. Because they'll be crying for a lot longer than they ever smiled. And you'll be smiling for a lot longer than you ever cried.
I think that is so true. I learned from this experience just how much I am worth being loved in a healthy way. Before I met my bf I was single by choice for almost 10 years. I have to admit I did that because of self love, I love me and don't hurt me and I did not want someone else to hurt me. I trusted this man and got hurt. I will not close my heart for 10 more years I asure you. I know that part ofloving myself is also to keep my heart open to a love that is going to be there in a healthy way.
Paused
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Auburn KY
Posts: 5
sounds like he's looking for outside blame
Hi, Pretty. Something struck me from reading your post. It has been my experience that if, during a break up, the other party tries to make an accusation of infidelity on your part he's desperately searching for something (anything) to blame the break up on other than his own behavior. It's a desperate attempt to disown his responsibility in the whole matter. Same for trying to call and engage you in some sort of altercation...if he gets some sort of nasty reaction from you he can then say the breakup was because of your being "intolerable" to live with. Don't give him the satisfaction. Stay your course. I admire your strength!
love, Susanna
love, Susanna
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Thank you Susanna
Yes I think so to. I will be strong and continue to stay focused on me. I know that I was abused now. I did not know for sure before, but I was. I made the right choice. Wow this is hard stuff!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
