Getting Sober
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 16
Getting Sober
Well we are in our 4th day now of him trying to get sober. His cousin is his sponser, but he doesn't live in the same town as us so he calls once a day to check up and see how he is doing. He called today and I spoke to him he asked if he is going to the meeting and if he stopped drinking I said no to both, he cant drive himself to a meeting and he wont stop driniking. He can not just stop drinking or he becomes violently ill. Like I dont already have enough work to do feeding, caring, bathing, cleaning up after and chasing around two toddlers, that I have to babysit him too. So he is trying to wean himself off of the booze. I dont know how much more I can take. His brother called the other night and he asked me if e-thing was ok, I said no, but I could not discuss it, I do not want get in the middle of his family anymore. He came clean with his brother about everything that he is going thru, but that still doesn't help me out. I am trying to seek help with Al-Anon but I cant leave the kids alone with him and I dont have anyone to call to watch them so I can go to a meeting. I dont think they alllow children to these meeting or any of the provide babysitting. So until he gets himself in a position where he is ok to be alone with the kids I am stuck here with no help for myself. Well I will keep coming back for help and advice as time allows me. Thanks everyone for the kinds words and support.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi,
I am a mom of an addict.
I have some questions for you and some suggestions as well:
Why can't you drive him to a meeting?
There are plenty of places where the AA and Alanon meetings are held at the same time and place.. Plenty of people find their way to meetings who cannot drive... the choice is his.
I hope that you will try to find a way to get to some meetings. It doesn't have to be Alanon. Naranon would also be a good choice for you- the focus is on you at these meetings anyway.
I have attended many, many meetings over the years and alot of them will not mind at all if you bring your kids. I know I would never ask someone to leave if they brought theirs. If they disrupt, you can always take them out- at least you will get some time in the rooms- which is better than nothing at all.
It takes us all some time to come to the conclusions that I think you are coming to understand..... it is his problem, but it is up to you how you will live and also it is up to you to take the best care of yourself and your children.
Keep coming back...
I am a mom of an addict.
I have some questions for you and some suggestions as well:
Why can't you drive him to a meeting?
There are plenty of places where the AA and Alanon meetings are held at the same time and place.. Plenty of people find their way to meetings who cannot drive... the choice is his.
I hope that you will try to find a way to get to some meetings. It doesn't have to be Alanon. Naranon would also be a good choice for you- the focus is on you at these meetings anyway.
I have attended many, many meetings over the years and alot of them will not mind at all if you bring your kids. I know I would never ask someone to leave if they brought theirs. If they disrupt, you can always take them out- at least you will get some time in the rooms- which is better than nothing at all.
It takes us all some time to come to the conclusions that I think you are coming to understand..... it is his problem, but it is up to you how you will live and also it is up to you to take the best care of yourself and your children.
Keep coming back...
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Hey carcal, I'm no DR and have no idea how much is daily consumption is/has been, but a medical detox facility with a follow up 28 day treatment program, and a follow up lifelong AA program would be the best course of action. This is not an option for your H?
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I see what his position is. My ex (as well as others) was dangeroulsy ill when detoxing. It can be done. He can also go to the ER, and SHOULD when exhibiting extreme withdrawl symptoms. Tapering, IMO, does not work.
But, thats his choice.
Your choice is how to live with this chaos, and/or, do you want to live with it.
But, thats his choice.
Your choice is how to live with this chaos, and/or, do you want to live with it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 16
Hi,
IHe has seeked out for someone to take him to a meeting and they said, "Oh let me call you back and see if I can find someone." I could drive him, the problem is he works and the after he get home from work the only meetiing he can go to are 7:00 or 8:30, I have to get the boys to bed at that time. I dont think it is my problem to make sure he goes to a meeting. Thanks for the info, I am trying to work things out as best I can.
IHe has seeked out for someone to take him to a meeting and they said, "Oh let me call you back and see if I can find someone." I could drive him, the problem is he works and the after he get home from work the only meetiing he can go to are 7:00 or 8:30, I have to get the boys to bed at that time. I dont think it is my problem to make sure he goes to a meeting. Thanks for the info, I am trying to work things out as best I can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 16
Hi Jazzman,
At this time the Detox 28 days is not an option. He is trying to go to AA meeting when he is able to. I think when he completly stops drinking and starts going to the meetings he will be onthe right track to geting right. We are already in debt for more then what we paid for our home on that already. I dont know how much he is drinking either because he lies. Thank You for your info.
At this time the Detox 28 days is not an option. He is trying to go to AA meeting when he is able to. I think when he completly stops drinking and starts going to the meetings he will be onthe right track to geting right. We are already in debt for more then what we paid for our home on that already. I dont know how much he is drinking either because he lies. Thank You for your info.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Sounds like he called the hotline. You sure you can't just drop him off and let him find a ride home? It might help until he meets some folks at a meeting and I doubt it would be more than 2 or 3 times anyway you might have to do that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Just a suggestion and an idea, but usually a cluster of towns (or a county) have an intergroup council with a central number. I live in a rather small town, but we have a "headquarters" where someone mans the phone at least 8 hours a day. When I lived in Maryland, our intergroup council was so large we had 24/7 phone coverage. Another alcoholic is always available to reach out and help anyone who asks for a ride. At least that has been my experience when my husband was attending A.A. and couldn't drive after getting a DUI. He called the central council number and they hooked him up with a guy who lived nearby and could drive him to and from meetings.
I was told by an addictions counselor that the two most dangerous substances a person can detox himself from are alcohol and heroin. I watched my husband attempt to detox himself and he was practically in convulsions. He started pouring beer down his throat just to stop the shaking. I don't know how much your husband consumes, and since he isn't being honest with you, you're not sure either. I can tell you that it is very serious for an alcoholic to get off booze without medical intervention. My husband spent five days in detox before he was any shape to go into the rehab facility.
I was told by an addictions counselor that the two most dangerous substances a person can detox himself from are alcohol and heroin. I watched my husband attempt to detox himself and he was practically in convulsions. He started pouring beer down his throat just to stop the shaking. I don't know how much your husband consumes, and since he isn't being honest with you, you're not sure either. I can tell you that it is very serious for an alcoholic to get off booze without medical intervention. My husband spent five days in detox before he was any shape to go into the rehab facility.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 16
Hi Prodigal,
Yes I know about the dangers of going off drinking without help. We have been down this road 5 or more times already, he has been to the dextox center , been in the hospital, and been trhu it at least 3 times at home. He just cant seem to quit and not go back to drinking again. He was also told by one of the guys he called about a ride that he would not be welcome at the meeting if he was so drunk he waws not able to walk and stand up. Which is what he has been like the past week now. I am going to call around and see what I can do about finding him a ride to and from the meetings. Thanks so much for your help
Yes I know about the dangers of going off drinking without help. We have been down this road 5 or more times already, he has been to the dextox center , been in the hospital, and been trhu it at least 3 times at home. He just cant seem to quit and not go back to drinking again. He was also told by one of the guys he called about a ride that he would not be welcome at the meeting if he was so drunk he waws not able to walk and stand up. Which is what he has been like the past week now. I am going to call around and see what I can do about finding him a ride to and from the meetings. Thanks so much for your help
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I am going to call around and see what I can do about finding him a ride to and from the meetings.
Recovery is up to him.
So far, he is not stopping, getting drunk, cant stand up and not going to meetings while you worry, stress, and try to help him get sober.
It is not your job to find him a ride to a meeting, get him sober, or make him do anything!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
A lot of we going on in your posts Caracal...
You do realize that he needs to be doing the work for himself
not you.
I do want to ask you something though...how's that childcare coming along?
This is really the only true thing that you have control over.
You do realize that he needs to be doing the work for himself
not you.
I do want to ask you something though...how's that childcare coming along?
This is really the only true thing that you have control over.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by elizabeth1979
Um, why cant he call himself caracal? I understand you want to help.
Recovery is up to him.
So far, he is not stopping, getting drunk, cant stand up and not going to meetings while you worry, stress, and try to help him get sober.
It is not your job to find him a ride to a meeting, get him sober, or make him do anything!
Recovery is up to him.
So far, he is not stopping, getting drunk, cant stand up and not going to meetings while you worry, stress, and try to help him get sober.
It is not your job to find him a ride to a meeting, get him sober, or make him do anything!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by pmaslan
A lot of we going on in your posts Caracal...
You do realize that he needs to be doing the work for himself
not you.
I do want to ask you something though...how's that childcare coming along?
This is really the only true thing that you have control over.
You do realize that he needs to be doing the work for himself
not you.
I do want to ask you something though...how's that childcare coming along?
This is really the only true thing that you have control over.
I am taking care of the children, I can not leave him alone with them, so we are ok there. I am looking for someone to help me so I can get a break and have some me time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
May I ask where and what people tell you to get him help?
You won't hear that in an Alanon meeting or dare I say in AA.
Instead of trying to find him a ride to meetings, I would spend
time looking for meetings for myself where I could bring my children.
Nothing changes if nothing changes...and there is a lot of wheel
spinning going on in your situation...IMHO
You won't hear that in an Alanon meeting or dare I say in AA.
Instead of trying to find him a ride to meetings, I would spend
time looking for meetings for myself where I could bring my children.
Nothing changes if nothing changes...and there is a lot of wheel
spinning going on in your situation...IMHO
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by caracal
He is not capable of doing anything by himself right now.
What are you hoping will happen for him at the meetings? Heck, what is he hoping? You say he is not capable of doing anything for himself right now. What happened after the meeting? Is he going back?
I know you are under a lot of stress right now; I hope you find some of that time to tend to your own needs.
Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by pmaslan
May I ask where and what people tell you to get him help?
You won't hear that in an Alanon meeting or dare I say in AA.
Instead of trying to find him a ride to meetings, I would spend
time looking for meetings for myself where I could bring my children.
Nothing changes if nothing changes...and there is a lot of wheel
spinning going on in your situation...IMHO
You won't hear that in an Alanon meeting or dare I say in AA.
Instead of trying to find him a ride to meetings, I would spend
time looking for meetings for myself where I could bring my children.
Nothing changes if nothing changes...and there is a lot of wheel
spinning going on in your situation...IMHO
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
That was me who suggested you take him to a meeting and he can get a ride back. I see no harm with taking someone to a meeting who genuinely wants to go to one. If he's just going through the motions, then obviously it's a waste of time, at least to my mine.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Hmmmm must have been a newbie because most of us that
have some recovery know that if the A can make it to a bar
alone or to the liquor store they surely can find their way to
an AA meeting if they really want to go.
I meant if I had small children I would spend my time calling
around for ME so I could attend a meeting. I can only help
myself, that is the way I would do it.
Glad to hear you are making that meeting tomorrow.
have some recovery know that if the A can make it to a bar
alone or to the liquor store they surely can find their way to
an AA meeting if they really want to go.
I meant if I had small children I would spend my time calling
around for ME so I could attend a meeting. I can only help
myself, that is the way I would do it.
Glad to hear you are making that meeting tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Nope, I'm not a newbie LOL! I think if he can get to one meeting he will be able to obtain a ride for all the rest. I've seen it happen time and time again.
He also needs to get a sponsor who is closer, who can pick him up and get him to meetings.
He also needs to get a sponsor who is closer, who can pick him up and get him to meetings.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Caracal,
My issue is not that you shouldnt drop him off at a meeting.
My issue is that I dont recall you mentioning him asking you to.
If my ex had asked me, I would have taken him.
He didnt ask, I was trying to make him go, make him get sober, make him stop being an alcoholic.
By the way, after 4 days, he should be feeling much better. Or is he still drinking?
Let me say..to say that he is not capable of anything by himself is an interesting statement.
I used to say that. I said it to justify my control and being the sobriety ring leader. There were some times that my ex detoxed, and I went to work anyway. Babying them doesnt help. If he is really that sick from detox, than he should go to a hospital.
My issue is not that you shouldnt drop him off at a meeting.
My issue is that I dont recall you mentioning him asking you to.
If my ex had asked me, I would have taken him.
He didnt ask, I was trying to make him go, make him get sober, make him stop being an alcoholic.
By the way, after 4 days, he should be feeling much better. Or is he still drinking?
Let me say..to say that he is not capable of anything by himself is an interesting statement.
I used to say that. I said it to justify my control and being the sobriety ring leader. There were some times that my ex detoxed, and I went to work anyway. Babying them doesnt help. If he is really that sick from detox, than he should go to a hospital.
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