katyhoney

Hi, my name is Katy.

I am a heavy drinker for sure....but not an alcoholic...at least I don't think so... but maybe you do. I use alcohol to take the edge off the pain...not every day but most days. I like to feel the numbness....instead of feeling isolated and confused. I go to work and I pay my bills....I am so lonely...have been for most of my life and that's why I drink...to escape from my loneliness and the unhappiness I see all around me. I like to walk....walk for miles some days and I feel happy to see the butterflies, the flowers and trees and to smell the dew on the grass...I see such beauty and feel so grateful...but at the same time I feel such loneliness. People around me aren't lonely because they seem to be able to socialise with others....that makes me feel even more alone. My father is dead, my mother and I don't get on....I come from a dysfunctional family...but in these days, that's normal as many people I know have the same background. I hate coarseness of any kind...I remain very disciplined...need to feel clean and tidy and am polite and well-mannered... always. I hate to hear any form of swearing or reference to sex in flippant way. I find it repulsive and ugly the way some human beings behave. I drink because I feel isolated by a sick society. I work in a creative field and I form businesses for people who pay me to be creative. I think that most of the people I work for are in some way or another suffering....either from their cultural beliefs or their insatiable ambitions. I try and avoid the rat race.....but as I need to earn my living, am lucky in that the people I work for, are quite harmless and leave me alone to live my life without any stress. I earn enough to pay my way.....that's enough for me. I let tomorrow take care of itself. Someone recently said to me...'but who's going to pay for your funeral?'....that's something I never considered. I suppose they will stuff me in a cardboard box or something...who cares about what happens when you're dead for Christ's sake? That sort of thing really annoys me....like having a mortgage, owning a home.....don't people realise that you never 'own' anything in this life?? That there is no guarantee of a tomorrow even? I think people go around clouded in disbelief....disbelieving that they are immortal...that their time on this plant is finite.. it's like an egg timer....slowly but surely reaching zero hour.

My boyfriend is an alcoholic.....an intellectual. People think he's insane...but I think he's the most 'sane' person I've ever met in this crazy mixed up society.

I've just been to India on a business trip...saw a lot of homeless people and a lot of disgusting stuff...made me feel grateful for what I have here in the UK, thanking God that we don't have a caste system or I would be stirring the pot at the side of the road too...and yet, those beggars on the street had a smile on their faces despite no arms or legs or homes...they have nothing....not even hope. I am lucky and yet....am I lucky? What's wrong with having a few drinks to take the edge of the pain of life?

CarolD

Welcome to SR!

If you are content with your drinking..why be concerned?

The reason I quit was to stop depression.
I still had all sorts of material things
but life was dark and dismal.

At around 3 months sober the depression fled..
no meds needed..and has not returned.

This may or may not apply to you but it might be
interesting to try.

You might also look into therohy if you see the
worse of life rather than the best.

Just my thoughts..I do wish you well...

Anna

Welcome to SR,

I'm glad you found us. Reading your post, I wonder if you've considered that you are depressed and if so, have you talked to a dr about it? I don't know whether you are depressed or not but I tried using alcohol to self-medicate too and it led me, very quickly, down a road to hell.

I hope you find peace.

aloneagainor

Greetings Katy,
You're so contemplative and observant. Such deep passion, sensitivity, creativity, and appreciation of intellect and beauty and all that surrounds; it's at once a rich blessing and a curse. You sound overwhelmed. I gather that you're young? You remind me of how I saw the world in my early 20's. Wandering as far as my legs would carry me, always alone, always thinking, observing, trying to make sense of it all, and perpetually numbing the overwhelming sensations in drugs because it was just way more than I could manage. Unable to accept life on life's own terms, we seek escape.

Are you finding what you're looking for in drinking? Using in solitude only perpetuates the isolation. People do need to connect with others. I relate to you directly in not being able to socialize, yet the NEED to connect on a deeper, spiritual level, is extremely strong, so I write, and read, and think, and write some more, to other like-minded individuals. And I keep trying to engage with people in person, but mostly keep to myself. As I like it.

To my great surprise and delight, after years of searching, I have found some extremely good people with whom I can relate. Don't be discouraged, they're out there, you just have to look hard for the quality people you're looking for. But to find them you have to keep your eyes open, your senses sharp, your mind engaged. The more you are able to connect, the better your chances of finding what you really are looking for. Clearly it's not in a bottle, that's leading you away from what you here express you seek.

That's for you to determine for yourself. Your attitude, your perspective, your mindset, all within your free will to choose your direction. I wish you well, and that you find what you're looking for.

michski

If you feel depressed then quit drinking... It'll help. In any case it's a win win situation so why not?

earlybird

I will just say this......people who think they arent alcoholics,...dont google recovery sites.

2dayzmuse

First off I would like to welcome you here. I hope you find what you are looking for.

For people like me, there is no such things as a few drinks. A few sends me off into a flurry that never ends. There is a problem in itself by using alcohol to take away the pain. I think the focus should be on what is causing your pain? I used alcohol to numb my pain and blamed everyone for my unhappiness. I thought the world was a horrible place to be. Then the pain became to overwhelming to be solved by drinking. When I finally realized that it was to late and I had developed an addiction to alcohol. It devoured my life and was a viscous cycle. I drank in attempt to take away the pain, and my pain was created by drinking. Stick around, read and ponder. You may find a little insight into what you are looking for.

Anna

Earlybird,

I think that people who have no problem in their lives with alcohol probably don't google recovery sites.

But, people who are unsure about whether or not they have a problem, probably do search for answers to their questions. As Katy said in her post, she is a heavy drinker and unsure if she's an alcoholic. So, someone in that situation is likely to look for information and answers. And, that's why we're here.

jazpoppy

Katy;

Welcome. I don't have many days sober, I'm not really qualified to give professional advice, and I don't know whether or not you are alcoholic or not, but I wanted to welcome you, and just offer a few suggestions to take or leave. My name is Jocelyn and I am an addict and an alcoholic, I have always been unsure if I'm alcoholic or not, but I have tested myself this way: I tried to go 30 days without a drink living my life the same as usual (not avoiding drinking friends/family, carrying on with daily life) and I found that I could not refuse the offer to drink, could not stop thinking about drinking, and if its in the house, could not avoid taking at least one or two drinks a day. If it wasn't in the house or I was told that I should not drink it, I would find a way, sneak it in the bathroom, sneak it in my parked car, etc... That to me is alcoholic behavior. Sometimes I can control how much I drink and other times I cannot. So those are the questions that you ask yourself: Can I control my drinking? Can I just have one drink and be satisfied? Can I go 30 days without a drink and not obsess about it? These test questions may help you find your answer. Only you can really determine whether or not you are an alcoholic. I hope you are not, but if you are and you want help, there is plenty of help out there plus there is this site SR is FANTASTIC!!! Take care Katy and I hope things turn out well for you, please keep us posted!

Love

Jaz

nocellphone

I've always heard that if it (drinking) causes a problem, then it's a problem. If not, then why worry?

If I need to chemically alter myself to cope with life on life's terms, then I have a problem. Reality, for me, is best faced head-on and clearheaded.

Of course, before deciding that alcohol is not problematic for you, you might consult with your liver, heart, stomach, brain... basically, everything.

After all, drinking causes in-TOXIC-ation...

Anyway, glad you found us and I look forward to hearing more from you!

earlybird

My point is that 9 times out of 10, ( and you know this is true ) if you are wondering if you are an alcoholic, .......you are an alcoholic. Enough things, whatever they may be, have happened in your life to get you to that point. Enough negative experience with alcohol has taken place. Of those 9 out of that 10,......deep down,....they already know they are alcoholics. I did. And I could name 70 more that did too.

Anna

I believe there are people who are problem drinkers and who abuse alcohol, but who are not alcoholics. They might very well question themselves as to where they are on the spectrum. And, Earlybird, I don't know anything about the statistics you mentioned.

And, for Katy, as this is your thread, I hope you have found some information here that will help you.

earlybird

I think "problem drinker" and "alcohol abuser" are just prettier terms for alcoholic. Look up either in the dictionary or ask most people, and they will say problem drinker and one who abuses alcohol are the definition of an alcoholic. If drinking is a 'problem', then why would you continue? Or why would you stressfully struggle to find a way to keep on drinking??

Anna

Earlybird, I believe there is a difference between a problem drinker or alcohol abuser and an alcoholic. That's my belief.

And, you are making blanket statements. What does that mean "Ask most people"?

BeerNut

I'm not qualified to give advice but one thing experience has taught me in a very harsh way is that those few drinks you have every other day or so become the norm, and then if you need to be numbed more than that you bump it up. A few years down the line you're drinking WAAAAAY more than anybody you know and trying your best to hide it, even though you're not (at least that describes me). I finally faced the fact that I'm not smart enough, strong enough, sophisticated enough to handle alcohol in any kind of rational way, so it's time to give up. If your drinking more now than you were a couple of years ago, you'll be drinking more a couple of years from now.

doorknob

Mine too. But... I think the line separating the two is razor thin.

earlybird

So a line as thin as a razor divides the difference between quitting drinking or not?

Anna

No, it's not that. And, I think the line is razor thin too and invisible, but once you cross it, there's no going back to the other side. That's the difference between an alcoholic and a problem drinker. A problem drinker might be able to control his drinking. An alcoholic can never drink.

doorknob

No, between being an abuser and being alcohol dependent. Quitting is a choice either way.

2dayzmuse

A lot people are problem drinkers. For example, in college. Every weekend is a drunken weekend. Then the settle down and grow out of it. Their drinking is no longer problematic and they are not alcoholic. They can return to social drinking without any problems.