difference between detachment and enabling?

Old 02-24-2003, 11:53 AM
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difference between detachment and enabling?

Hi, I'm new here, and after dabbling in Al-Anon about 15 years ago in an old relationship, I'm now seriously looking for a better way in my current relationship.

I am pondering something and I'd really love some input.

My husband has been unemployed for about eight months now and is deteriorating. He's a bi-polar binge drinker currently drinking heavily. He's also addicted to computer games and spends at least twenty hours a day playing. At least.

I have four children (two under the age of two) and am running ragged taking care of everything. I am not arguing with my husband. I am not shaming, blaming, crying, berating, scolding, chastisting, or complaining. I am trying to stay poised and just take care of myself and my kids. I feel so detached I feel like a robot sometimes.

I wonder though, does my quiet resolve imply to him approval of what he's doing? By taking care of the children single handedly does that not enable him to continue NOT taking care of them? He seems perfectly okay with our arrangement. Do I continue coasting along like this with him? I'm keeping things peaceful in the household, but isn't this coddling him?

I know an alcoholic is anguished, but it sure can look like easy street to me, comparitively speaking.

Any input would be appreciated...and then I have another question!

Susanna
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Old 02-24-2003, 12:54 PM
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Susanna,
I'm sorry, but I don't have an answer for you. I am in a similar situation. I have recently decided to take care of myself and not worry about my husband's drinking. It too sounds like enabling him.

Hang in there! You came to the right place. There are a lot of people here who have been where we are. They may be able to pave the way.

NoDoubt
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Old 02-24-2003, 01:19 PM
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Hello Susanna, and welcome!

In a way, I guess it could be argued that staying in a living situation with anyone who is not pulling their weight could be considered enabling. Sometimes I think we make "enabling" into a big boogeyman, though. I don't see what choice you have where your kids are concerned. They have to have care and if he's not helping it's all on you.

The detachment and serenity you hope to obtain by it are for you. Not him. We let go of trying to affect or control their behavior because it doesn't do any good and makes us crazy to keep trying. Turning your home into a battlefield will not make him sober up. However, telling someone what the minimum standard of behavior you will abide is, is not necessarily turning your home into a battlefield. Only you know what you are willing to put up with. If you're willing to put up with anything to keep him in your life, that's okay. But if there are limits, it's okay to tell him what they are. Be careful of making ultimatums or announcing boundaries you won't be able to stick to. I did that. I got steamrolled.

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 02-24-2003, 04:34 PM
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He doesn't sound very anguished to me

You are the one who sounds anguished, and no wonder. In my opinion, allowing someone to lead a "responsibility free" life is beyond detachment. Think about you, and what you deserve. You deserve a partner is who willing and able to help you raise your family and meet your financial responsibilities.
It's been my experience that if I don't set boundries with people, they will take full advantage of that. It sounds like you are on the brink of making a decision. You can either continue to live with the situation as it is, or request that changes be made. You just have to be sure that you can live with the consequences when you ask for responsible behavior.
You are well within your rights to be frustrated with someone who spends their day getting high and playing computer games.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 02-25-2003, 07:34 AM
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O'Susana,

I can certainly understand where you are coming from. Am I making this TOO easy on him?

I think both JT and Gabe offered good comments. Bottom line is what are you willing to live with? Is it acceptable to you that you do nearly everything while does nearly nothing to contribute to your family? It's real easy for me to sit here and think "Well, I'd never do that" or "I'd do this" because I'M NOT in your house.

But I do know this. I'd have a very hard time not letting the resentment build up until I just exploded one day. Hopefully if you do decide to continue in the way it presently is, you're a lot more laid back and tolerant than I.

Hey, no one ever tried to give me a prize for being patient!!!

Love,

Hangin' In
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Old 02-25-2003, 08:06 AM
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Oops, I meant what SMOKES and Gabe said. Sorry Smokes. Want to give credit where credit is due. Guess the cheerleading outfit had me laughing so that I went into one of my 'dingbat' attacks...
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Old 02-25-2003, 12:18 PM
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Susanna;
Welcome...You've just come to a wonderful place with some very loving and caring people who listen...

I cannot tell you what to do, only you can decide that..You mentioned you have been to Al-Anon...I highy suggest that you try it again...The litature is really a big help in helping me decide what my options are and are not ...IF you have the One day At A time book in the back of it there are subjects by topic that really help me learn what the differences are...

Another1 liner....

If I cannot let go completey......hold on loosely!

Sunbeams and blessings.
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Old 02-25-2003, 04:16 PM
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You're not the only one

Hi !
I have asked myself this questions many times, and only now do I begin to see an answer.
Like smoke said, the detachment is done for YOUR benefit, not his. we can't expect them to turn around and say "wow, look at how well she is handling everything... guess I better get MY act together!" - hmmmm... that would be perfect if it worked that way. Also, it makes me think of boundaries, and how important it is to have them in our lives. Again, these boundaries are for US, not them - NOT rules for THEM to live by (as I tried to use them). Sometimes it helps if we ask ourselves EXACTLY what we are willing to live with in our lives(and be specific); is it OK for him to use? is it OK for him to use IN our home? Is it OK that I do most of the work / chores / childcare? How much are you willing to put up with?? And it helped me to WRITE them down...
It can be so confusing to be where we are - to know how to love without smothering, and encourage without care-taking... detach without enabling. I think it really is about how much we love ourselves and what we truly want and need in our lives... sometimes we need to fight for what we deserve. Keep coming back,
Take care,
Meg
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Old 02-25-2003, 04:19 PM
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:p gotta learn to READ the posts... just realized that I repeated most of what ppl had already said - but I guess I must be learning from you guys if I end up giving the same advice!!
Meg
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Old 02-25-2003, 05:15 PM
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Hi OSusanna,


I feel your pain, it not easy but setting boundaries for yourself might help you be stronger and manage this ordeal of your husband drinking. Your strenght might cause a chain reaction, if not with your husband maybe with your own life. Boundaries did and still do help me, he been traveling for sometime now but it has been away from the boundaries towards his family, a big part of that family now is AA.


Take care and take one day at a time and be strong.

Last edited by eyeswideopen; 02-25-2003 at 05:22 PM.
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Old 02-25-2003, 05:25 PM
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Eyes, I am totally loving your avatar - I can't imagine ANYONE messin with you!!!!!
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Old 02-26-2003, 06:11 AM
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I really want to understand this the way the rest of you do. But, I'm still confused! When I act as though nothing is happening (when he drinks) then I believe it makes it much easier for him to keep drinking.

In order to not get involved with his drinking I keep busy (helping the kids with homework, cleaning, paying bills, doing paperwork...). He comes home from work and sits on the couch (watches tv or reads the paper). It's very difficult.

He has been trying not to drink for about 3 weeks now. He has been coming home from work earlier (I guess when you don't stop at a bar or liquor store you can get home on time). But, he walks in, says 'hello' (kisses all of us) and then sits down to read the paper until dinner is ready.

This sounds so 'Archie Bunker'. I don't know.

Sorry to go on and on. But, this really has helped me!

NoDoubt?
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Old 02-26-2003, 06:12 AM
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I really want to understand this the way the rest of you do. But, I'm still confused! When I act as though nothing is happening (when he drinks) then I believe it makes it much easier for him to keep drinking.

In order to not get involved with his drinking I keep busy (helping the kids with homework, cleaning, paying bills, doing paperwork...). He comes home from work and sits on the couch (watches tv or reads the paper). It's very difficult.

He has been trying not to drink for about 3 weeks now. He has been coming home from work earlier (I guess when you don't stop at a bar or liquor store you can get home on time). But, he walks in, says 'hello' (kisses all of us) and then sits down to read the paper until dinner is ready.

This sounds so 'Archie Bunker'. I don't know.

Sorry to go on and on. But, this really has helped me!

NoDoubt?
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Old 02-26-2003, 06:12 AM
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I really want to understand this the way the rest of you do. But, I'm still confused! When I act as though nothing is happening (when he drinks) then I believe it makes it much easier for him to keep drinking.

In order to not get involved with his drinking I keep busy (helping the kids with homework, cleaning, paying bills, doing paperwork...). He comes home from work and sits on the couch (watches tv or reads the paper). It's very difficult.

He has been trying not to drink for about 3 weeks now. He has been coming home from work earlier (I guess when you don't stop at a bar or liquor store you can get home on time). But, he walks in, says 'hello' (kisses all of us) and then sits down to read the paper until dinner is ready.

This sounds so 'Archie Bunker'. I don't know.

Sorry to go on and on. But, this really has helped me!

NoDoubt?
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