lostnotfound

I'm feeling all those things towards my AH, and myself, and our marriage. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about the situation. I'm very new around here, so I don't know everyone's situation or story.

Are many of you still married and living with your A-spouse? I have bottled up so much hurt from him over the last 8 years, that even if he did get sober, I don't know how long it would take for me to feel secure in our marriage. Right now, as far as I know, he has not taken any steps towards sobriety, nor even shown any interest in doing so. He'll admit he's an A, but apparently doesn't see it as a problem as long as he goes to work and takes care of the house.

I haven't given him an ultimatum, because that's not the kind of person I am, but I can't take the situation the way it is anymore. I know he can't change for me, he has to do it for himself, and I just don't think he wants it. I don't WANT him to change for me. That would seem artificial. I don't want to be appeased, I want him to get better.

Thanks for listening to me vent. I'm very new at sharing these feelings and working through this problem. It's just been my life for so long, I don't know how to change it.

denny57

hi lost

a quick reply because i'm on my way out. yes, all those feelings are normal.

be brave - get to that meeting tonight and let us know tomorrow how it went. you will start to learn so much about yourself and what you can do to change your situation. all is not hopeless!

LaTeeDa

There is no right or wrong way to feel. We feel what we feel. I know I had all of those feelings and more come spilling out once I stopped stuffing them and trying to pretend like I was in control. It's good to let them out. I know it feels like crap, but it's better than letting them haunt you for the rest of your life.

I kept a journal for awhile when I was going through all the emotional turmoil. It helped just to let it out and write it down. For me, it lightened the load a little.

Another thing that helped me while I was waiting to get my hands on some books was this website-- www.joy2meU.com Some find it a little too "new age," but for me it really got me thinking.

Remember, it's your life.

L

Jazzman

Coulda fooled me.

I know it sucks. Hats off to ya for lasting 8 years though, I couldn’t do more than a couple. I stumbled onto SR when I was well into the process, I had been separated for almost a year when I joined. No children together so it was different for me in that regard but, the story is exactly the same otherwise. Sick & tired of being sick & tired of life w/ an active addict hell bent on running her life, our life together and the families future right into the ground.

How are we supposed to feel? Pissed off one day, compassionate and hopeful the next.... it's the emotional roller coaster ride. I took it until I just had to get off.

ASpouse

First of all, you do not give an ultimatum unless you are prepared to follow through with it. If you give one and don't follow through, well you've shot yourself in the foot.

Do not give ultimatums or make threats. Set boundaries ..... for example, if you come home from a golf outing and you are drunk, I am leaving for the night" If he comes home drunk from a golf outing, then you have a plan to leave for the evening and DO IT!

Another boundary might be "If you are drunk and start yellling at me, I am going to call the police to remove you from the house".

That is setting a boundary. All boundaries are made calmly and precisely. No yelling, no drama. Very matter of fact.

Boundaries ....... no threats or ultimatums.

He only likes being an alcoholic because you are there to help him continue. If no one is there to help him and it's sink or swim on his own, well let's just see how much he likes it.

In the meantime, please get to Al Anon or some sort of support group to help you through this. Face to face meetings will help you so much and you won't feel so isolated as if you are the only one feeling these emotions.

lostnotfound

We don't have children together. I have a son who is 22. My son was 14 when we got married. At least I don't have the worry of small children having to go through this, but watching it over the years has been hard for my son.

AH came home a little bit ago and, as usual, wanted to act like nothing is wrong. Asked me if I wanted to go get somthing to eat, which is our normal Wed nite routine. I told him I'm going to an Al Anon meeting. "what's that"? It's for families of alcoholics, I said. I told him I couldn't make him do anything, but I had to do something for myself. His response was " I think I should just leave" I told him how I feel, and that I am unhappy with the current situation. I asked him if he had any feelings about it and he said "no, none at all" Obviously that's not true, but he won't admit to any. I asked him if he had any desire to change things. He said "No". He wants only me to change...back to the way I was, just pretending like there weren't any problems and putting up with whatever he feels like dishing out. I told him I just can't do it anymore. He thinks I don't like him. I don't like him when he's drunk, and that pent up anger has finally festered over until I don't like him so much when he's sober either.

Cynay

All natural emotions... and unfortunally I dont imagine they are just going to go away.

Like ASpouse said... need to get the boundries in place.... Personally I have been a foot shooter most of my life and still today I struggle setting boundries... but its progress not perfection.

feelingalone

It sounds as though we are in similar situations and similar places in our lives. I have been married for 8 1/2 years, and at least the last 2 1/2 have been our problem years. Now we are at a breaking point.

I go through so many feeling in a single day that is almost ridiculous. I'm mad, sad, resentful, sorrowful, selfish, selfless.....almost anything but happy. I'm no expert, as a matter of fact, I feel completely stupid about this disease 99% of the time.

I do know that I am pulling away from him, emotionally....and honestly that really scares me. I don't know what that means for me, for our marriage, and for our family. I want to stand beside him (provided he gets the help he needs and sticks with it), but in the last few days have questioned that too. Do I always want to worry about this?? So you know what, I am making it okay to take things one day at a time. I'm not going to beat myself up for "putting up with him" - as it has made me feel sooo stupid. No more....I'm a worthy person. I'm beginning to set boundaries, however small.

Like someone wrote, don't set ultimatums and then don't stick to them....believe me, I've shot myself in the foot over this.

As Oprah said, "you are in charge of your own destiny" .....it's so much easier to say than do, but I'm trying - the same journey as you.

Best wishes!

fa

lostnotfound

I have not given him any ultimatums. I don't like them...it's not my style. I believe that if a person doesn't want to do something, I'm not going to blackmail them to make them do it.

I went downstairs to iron a pair of pants and when I came up he was gone. I have no idea where he went or when he'll be back. I found an Al Anon meeting that starts at 7:30 and I'm going tonight.

THanks for the listening ear.

lostnotfound

I'm not sure self-torture is a good quality. Maybe you did it the right way and got out early.

PaperDolls

Enjoy the meeting! i'm proud of you. I'm going to send some good thoughts your way.

~doll

prodigal

You certainly shouldn't give ultimatums if you don't feel comfortable doing so. However, you have told him you're tired of living the way you've been living. He's told you he does not wish to change his drinking "style." Guess if there isn't going to be an ultimatum, eventually you will act on your feelings. You've asked him if he had any feelings on the matter. He told you he did not. Now you may feel that he actually DOES have feelings. However, we were not given the power to read minds, so it is possible that he doesn't have any particular feelings on the issue just as he said.

That being said by me, I'd suggest you discontinue attempting to get him to delve into his feelings for the time being. It was a very hard pill for me to swallow, but I came to the realization that I played an integral part in the "alcoholism play" going on in my marriage. In fact, I am currently getting that very pill down! You, too, have played a part in this. The fact that you are having your particular feelings indicates that your brain is sending you signals that you have to do something to ease your pain. Take care of your own pain. He'll have to decide on his own whether or not he wishes to take care of his.

Going to Al-Anon is a step in the right direction for your emotional and physical well-being. Please let us know how your meeting went.

ASpouse

I hope you will be OK when he gets home tonight. My gut is telling me he's going to be fired up big time! Be safe.

lostnotfound

I went to the meeting last night. I liked it and the people were very nice. I haven't had time to read the materials they gave me yet.

AH was back home when I got back. He had been drinking, but was not trashed. He didn't speak to me and i went up to bed. He came up a little later, got ready for bed, then said "At least you can have the bed all to yourself". I said what do you mean.... He said "I'm sure they told you how horrible and hateful I am at that meeting you went to so I'm not sleeping in here". I didn't argue with him and he slept in the other room. He's not speaking to me now because "what is there to talk about?"

ASpouse

What a jerk .... (sorry) ...... the next time he says something so stupid, tell him that although he thinks so highly of himself, that Al-Anon is NOT ABOUT HIM!

Ugh .... they so disgust me with their self-centered, self-serving attitudes, thinking the whole world revolves around them and if they should leave the earth, we all would stop living ..... aahhhhh...... they make me want to scream in pain!!!!!

ASpouse

Do not feel guilty about this! This is a 'HOOK' ... something to make you doubt yourself and give him control. DO NOT DOUBT YOURSELF .... you are doing the right thing for YOU!

Jazzman

Lost, be ready for major push back while you focus on yourself. As hard as it may be, taking out the personal part of the equation and speaking from a "detached" perspective, (no emotion, matter of fact manor, non accusatory) to an active alcoholic requires resolve.

Detaching with love is a hard concept to get, but it will do you a world of good if you embrace it. What helped me was identifying what issues I owned and what issues my ex owned, and leave her issues to her. AND being non-judgemental about her issues.

lostnotfound

I'm still learning (aren't we all?) But I'm really trying and I'm am feeling a little better today. I have been feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and I feel maybe just a little lighter today having told him I am doing something for myself. Not that everything said in our conversation last evening was rational ( ie-- he has no feelings at all about the situation ) but it's the first time we've ever discussed the problem without him screaming at me. The fact that he was sober when we talked had a lot to do with that. Usually, sober = we pretend like we don't have a problem, so they only get addressed when he's drunk.

I'm not very optomistic right now that my marriage is going to survive this.

Thanks for all the encouragement.

denny57

Glad you liked the meeting. It's impossible to know what will happen tomorrow. You've taken a very important step, though, in effecting change in the dynamics of your marriage and there is no saying at this early stage . . .

When I told my AH I was going to Al-Anon, he stopped speaking to me (for good - which helps with the no contact LOL) and started running around telling everyone that I was in a group for people who live with abusive alcoholics and I was doing this to better my chances in a divorce (which we had never discussed). I am forever amazed at how it's all about him.

I guess my point is - wait and see - let him process the change and don't you worry about his reaction at this stage. It's a shake-up for both of you.

I hope the meetings continue to be helpful and I'm looking forward to hearing how it's going for you.

megamysterioso

Hey lost and welcome to SR. I'm glad that you're feeling better today and it is a long hard road. I came to SR in February feeling much the same way you are feeling these days. It was only 3 1/2 years into our marriage when I found this place, but I KNEW that things could not continue on the way they were. I too was very distant from my AH. I had lost all trust and respect for him. In short-- I am now divorced and in my own place. I moved here on 7/7and even though I'm dealing with other stresses in my life, let me just say that it is NOTHING in comparison to stress that I felt while sharing the same household with my drunk husband.

I do understand what you are feeling and my course of action was to move on because it became apparent to me that 1- my AH did not want to stop drinking and 2- it was unfair of me to impose that he change who he IS. I'm not suggesting that leave him because there are some people who learn to live and cope with an active A. I however did not want to waste my life just "coping" with someone who was supposed to be the love of my life!

Best of luck to you and I think the meeting you attended is a great start.