es808

My fiance has problems with alcohol and marijuana. She also has psychological and psychiatric problems including BPD and schizoaffective and possibly bipolar. She has been hospitalized about four times in the last five months for the psychiatric issues and suicide attempts.

Everyone she sees tells her that she needs to stop using alcohol and marijuana and that they are linked to her psychiatric and psychological issues. She disagrees. At various times she has admitted, briefly, that she may have a problem with either or both of the drugs she uses. However these admissions never stick. At the moment she slightly admits she may have a problem with alcohol but refuses to admit that the marijuana is any sort of a problem.

I am not sure what to do. She has everyone telling her that she does have a problem but she continues to insist that she does not. There is a lot of history and family stuff involved with this that I don't want to get into right now but it is getting very frustrating.

I don't want to enable her but I don't want to control her either. She is constantly accussing me of controlling her by not allowing alcohol in the house, wanting her to stop drinking and smoking, etc.

How do I balance the two and what do I do in a situation like this?

denny57

welcome, es808

It would seem your fiance is making it pretty clear that she does not believe she has a problem; this is who she is and will be. The question is - are you ok with that? Can you accept her as she is, right now? If she were to never admit she has a problem with drugs and alcohol, can you marry her, raise children with her, grow old with her?

That is the present and future she is offering you, right now. Only you can decide if that works for you.

I have learned - the very hard way - that I can change no one but myself.

Stick around, read all you can, listen to the great advice you will get here and keep posting!

guyinNC

I hate to say this, but I would think hard before getting married. She has lots of issues. Marriage is a huge step, emotionally, financially, legal and liability etc.

Jazzman

Welcome to SR es808. Your story is all too familier here and a very few have a happy ending, (sorry to say). Please keep your eyes wide open with your fiance. Start by reading the sticky posts at the top of the F&F forum. Here's a particular favorite of mine...
10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=89886

MsPINKAcres

Welcome es808,

You are so brave to realize that there are problems and to try to face these problems before you get married!! - So many of us (myself included) got married thinking that we could work them out afterwards.

Most of all, I want to encourage you to take care of yourself - to do good things for you, which is keep reading the info on SoberRecovery, attend Al-Anon meetings, read literature on this disease, etc. and stay in touch to let us know how you are doing.

One Day at a Time,
Rita

es808

Thanks to everyone for the advice so far. I am thinking very hard about all of this before getting married. I am trying to figure out what I am willing to put up with. She varies so much - one minute she'll be saying she has a problem with alcohol but not marijuana - the next she has not problems and the next she has problems with all of the above.

She is getting help for her mental issues and I hoped that they could work on her denial and try to get her to realize and work on her substance abuse problems but she refuses to budge on those.

I used to have some fairly serious drug problems myself so I am familiar with addiction and I am reading tons of books on it all.

Even reading the 10 Ways Sticky post I am finding some contradiction... It says to let them hit bottom on their own and it also says that addiction is a disease. If someone has cancer or diabetes you don't let them "hit bottom," you get them into treatment. These seem to be the two major paradigms for recovery I am running into. I am not sure how to reconcile the two.

denny57

I guess the question is (re diabetes and cancer) do YOU get them into treatment or do they do it themselves? I cannot make anyone do what they don't want to do.

Yes, even if someone I loved refused to get treatment for diabetes or cancer, with all I have learned in dealing with the disease of alcoholism, I would lovingly detach and let them make their own decisions. I would not strap them to the guerney.

I know how tough this all is. Hang in there.

Jazzman

Well you say you're no stranger to drug problems but something must have clicked in your head to make you stop? What was it?

es808

For me it was a near fatal overdose. At that point I couldn't go on pretending I didn't have any problems. I quit the day I got out of the hospital and it's been 9 years.

She's had several near death experiences - none of them directly related to her drug abuse - but nothing seems to get through to her.

Here is a specific question I can use advice on... Alcohol in the house. I removed all of the liquor from the house. If she brings home a bottle do I throw it out or keep it and let her drink?

If I throw it out I'm enforcing my rule about no alcohol in the house but I'm also forcing my decision onto her. If I don't throw it out I'm putting the responsibility onto her but I'm allowing something I said I would not allow.

This has not happened yet but if she is going to drink I would rather have her doing it at home than be out driving and such. She doesn't even actually drink all that much in terms of quantity. Every couple of months she would "have a drink with dinner" and before you know it there's an empty bottle of tequila and she doesn't remember anything.

denny57

My opinion - sure, throw it out. Then she'll drink outside the home and drive.

She's had several near death experiences and that didn't get through. She can drink a bottle of tequila, but you say she doesn't even drink that much.

I would ask my original question. Are you willing to live this life for the rest of your life? That is the only guarantee right now, because that is all there is.

I've been where you are. It's tough. Really, really difficult. Keep reading all you can and posting. I do believe in the 3 C's - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Once I got that hang of that, I had plenty of time to work on me and my part in the whole dance.

Good luck.

es808

She can drink a whole bottle of tequila - she doesn't do it that often though.

The question about the rest of my life is a bit misleading because things are actually pretty good right now. She hasn't drank in a few weeks, she's doing pretty well psychologically. She seems to be pretty convinced that everything is going to be coming up roses from now on. I, on the other hand, know that this is just a temporary lull and things will get bad again as they always do.

I tell myself the three C's every single day. It does help a lot. I'm still trying to figure me out though.

LaTeeDa

First, let me say that what I am about to type is my opinion only. I don't have experience being an addict, other than cigarettes. My husband is an alcoholic, my father, maternal grandfather, fraternal grandmother, and who knows how many other relatives were/are alcoholics. I have found a way to reconcile in my own mind, and maybe it will help you. If not, take what you like, and leave the rest.

I believe alcoholism/addiction is a disease, but unlike any other disease. It has a behavioral element to it that other diseases lack. There is choice involved, to a certain extent. There is the choice to pick up that first drink. There is also the choice to get help or not. In a way, it is very much like me and my codependency. I was never the victim of the alcoholics in my life. (at least not after I became an adult) I was a willing participant in the sick lifestyle and behavior. At some point, I realized this (that's what I consider my bottom). Some people never realize it and continue to be a victim all their lives (there are many in my own family). Just like some addicts reach a point when they want to save their own lives. (and some never do) So, for me, that is how I differeniate this disease from say cancer. There is no option with cancer to say, hey, if I stop this behavior, I will get better.

L

MsPINKAcres

es808,

I hear my voice in your post - It was ok that my AH did drink or use that often - only on the weekends because he still kept his job, then as the disease slowly progressed it was on the weekends and during the week at night, then it was almost 24/7. Alcoholism/addiction is a disease of progression. It may not be bad today, but we never know when that disease will start it's downward spiral out of control.

The only thing we have power over is our own recovery - that is why we suggest the programs for you - You are the only one you can help -

Keep coming back - it works if you work it,

Rita

pmaslan

I have no advice to offer you just wanted to Welcome you to SR.
You will find this forum to be completely honest and very understanding.
I see that you have been given some wonderful advice from folks
that have been there or are going through what you are now.
Read all that you can, take care of yourself.....and keep coming back...

Jazzman

Good for you on your demonstrated long term commitment to staying clean. It's been 23 years myself.

But for you your bottom was a near death experience, your fiance doesn't seem to share your same appreciation for life, (maybe). Everyone's is different and it's a very hard thing to have a front row seat to a loved one hell bent on finding just what their bottom is.

What if someone prevented you from hitting your bottom 9 years ago, say like in the form of enabling? And you didn't end up w/ a near death OD? Just when would you have quit? That's kinda what the "10 ways" thing is getting at.

Welcome to SR and post away!

meli2005

You are in a difficult situation dealing with so many mental illnesses at one time. YOu really need to try to get those under control and then you can more readily deal with the alcoholism problem. Unfort. for some it takes years for them to realize they have a problem with alcohol/drugs, etc. Each person has their own bottom they must reach before they realize they have an issue with it.

There is a group called Dual Recovery Anonymous that deals with substance abuse issues plus mental/emotional disorders. You might want to look into their stuff. I have found their literature to be helpful/informative.

GettingFree

Hi es,

In addition to the great feedback you've gotten, here's something to think about with your question about throwing out the alcohol. When I look at something like this, I look at my motivation. I ask why am I doing this, what's really at the bottom of it?

So I would suggest asking, are you throwing the alcohol out because it's something you simply don't want around for YOU, are are you throwing it out because you want to prevent your gf from getting to it?

Learning about boundaries is one of the most important things I learned in my recovery. If your motivation is the first, you're respecting your own boundary -- you've made a decision to have an alcohol-free home for whatever reasons. However, if you're doing it for the latter, your gf is right -- you are trying to control her behavior -- and that will most likley be a losing battle, setting you up for all kinds of resentments (from her and towards her), power struggles and continuing disappointment (because ultimately it won't work unless she wants to stop).

A book that has helped me and many here is "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie. Could be very valuable to you with what you're going through.

best
gf

es808

That is something I have actually thought about. I do personally like an occassional glass of wine and have a little bit of a wine collection. I had a large liquor cabinet as well but I don't really drink hard liquor. So I removed the hard liquor and kept the wine. My gf prefers hard liquor so it really was for her benefit that I threw it out.

However there are some mitigating circumstances... She was in a partial hospitalization day program and during a family session her social worker suggested we remove all alcohol from the house and she agreed. When her parents visited a few weeks ago she told her stepmother, who is also an alcoholic who doesn't drink all that much, that we had an alcohol free home but she would make an exception for her for that week.

So she seems to be OK with it. Last night we went out for dinner and she ordered herself a drink and I didn't stop her.

Her social worker said I needed to remove all alcohol from the house, take all of the medication and hide it and throw out all of the pot. I removed most of the alcohol, have all the medication (because gf is prone to taking entire bottles of random stuff to "go to sleep" and ending up almost dead) but I have not thrown out the pot. That is a big issue for me right now. The alcohol isn't so bad because she admits she has a problem with it and realizes it's better to not have it around even though she complains about it. The pot is another story entirely and that is my big dilemna right now.

I have read Codependent No More before and I try to appy it to my life. It's hard sometimes though.

es808

This is actually interesting... My gf was diagnosed with bipolar by an incompetent doctor who medicated her improperly and when she complained about the medication just kept upping the dose. This scared her off of medication and psychiatric treatment for a long time.

Since she was been more sober than she used to be they added BPD to the diagnosis and they have since dropped the bipolar.

She always told me she was using to self-medicate and that if she got proper medication she would stop. However she is (I think) properly medicated now but continues with the pot.

Everyone keeps telling us that drug abuse will greatly interfere with mental health conditions but it falls on deaf ears.

Jazzman

es808, to share my experience, my ex drank way too much and developed alcohol related depression. She then went to a DR and complained about her depression but wasn't honest about how much she drank. The DR prescribed ADs and the cycle of upping doses and changing types began. The combination of ADs on top of her alcohol abuse sent her reeling. She exhibited bi polar and sociopathic behavior and it all snowballed until she didn't know which end was up.

It's hard to witness, good luck.