Male friend coming to visit....

Old 07-19-2006, 12:12 AM
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Male friend coming to visit....

I'm looking for tips and advice from old timers in marriage to boost my newbie-ness!!

I have a friend that I've known for about 11 years - he's been a lodger in my (now our) house before D came back into my life, we've been good close friends but not the sort of friends that worry about staying in touch. It's always been a case of 'YAY!! Where you been for the last X years?' on both sides.

So he has an interview in my city on Friday and is coming up to spend the night on Thursday, maybe Friday as well or he might spend some time with our other best friends who also got to know him. Phil and D have never met!

Phil & D are both strong and very different characters. Phil is a disciplined, very determined acedemic, always off doing research, very well published and totally driven. D is a people person with a creative and inventive mind and although he never stops reading his self discipline to apply himself to study has been sketchy to say the least!! Both can be TERMINALLY shy but Phil really does lack social skills where as D lacks confidence to use them.

So I talked to my best buddy who knows both of them fairly well. Her advice was to make sure I was around to help things along as much as possible because she thought between them they could totally grind to a halt.

My concern is more that they're both 'wee sensitive flowers' and in different ways could be left feeling inadequate/'less' if that makes sense. They're both good hearts but I don't think they'd be natural friends unless they got past the differences enough to know each other (like having to work together etc).

I'm also trying to imagine how I'd feel if it was a female friend of D's coming to stay....

We've talked about it lots, D knows that I've never been atracted to Phil and he knows our other friends like him. He also knows that I would like to be able to offer Phil a place to stay as his family life has always been crap and he doesn't really have any other 'base' in the UK apart from his sister who has really battled illness recently. He never stays long before being off again - and since I got married I've voluntered that I wouldn't invite him for more than a night unless D was keen once he knows him.

I'm a little nervous.......
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Old 07-19-2006, 02:47 AM
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Why be worried about how Phil and D get along? Not your responsibility or within your power to have much of an impact on that.

I would say don't worry about it.
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Old 07-19-2006, 03:05 AM
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Well Phil's kind of a little like my brother except with the LD!! He does matter to me and it goes without saying D does.

Not worrying is good advice but sometimes the hardest to follow. I want Phil to still have a bit of a base, some sense of place and to know he's very much liked. I also want to consider D especially as Phil doesn't always have the skills to 'demonstrate' the respect he does feel.

YARG!! I know - don't worry and I am listening....
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Old 07-19-2006, 03:10 AM
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I know it's important to you that they get along, never thought it wasn't. I'm sure D would understand if you gave him a little "heads up" that Phil isn't the best of communicators.
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Old 07-19-2006, 03:21 AM
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Hi Equus,

I had a similar reaction to Jazz. It's natural to want them to get to know one another and feel comfortable, but beyond being yourself, it's really in their court.

They're both adults, with whatever beautiful quirks they have, who can take responsibility for whatever relationship may develop between them.

Is there a way you can let go of the outcome?
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Old 07-19-2006, 03:55 AM
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I am with getting free on this one. I think thats the attitude I would adopt.
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Old 07-19-2006, 04:28 AM
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What you mean and except the fact that they're both grown ups???

DOH!! Yeah ok - that does sort of make sense. *I'm stuffing my cape and red underpants back in the mothball riddled bag as we speak!*

Thanks you guys - I'm so glad to do this bit here rather than in real life!!
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