Some issues and anger
Acting not reacting
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Some issues and anger
Im pretty content here in the new area. A little lonely, but nowhere as lonely as I was with him.
Ive been doing some analyzing, evaluating, budgeting, and more budgeting, and I have come to this place where I am angry.
Im not angry that he is an alcoholic.
Im not angry that I left him.
Im not even angry that he was a mean person.
Im angry that fianciall this man has taken from me, and the extent of it.
After counting up all the promissory notes and the debt I can "prove", we are looking at a large amount of money equal to 9 months of my salary.
I am extremely pissed.
Here is my question...
I really feel like I want to take him to court. Whether he will show, who knows. But, I want to take action.
Does anyone have any thoughts about whether Im over reacting, or blame placing, or anything?
Ive been doing some analyzing, evaluating, budgeting, and more budgeting, and I have come to this place where I am angry.
Im not angry that he is an alcoholic.
Im not angry that I left him.
Im not even angry that he was a mean person.
Im angry that fianciall this man has taken from me, and the extent of it.
After counting up all the promissory notes and the debt I can "prove", we are looking at a large amount of money equal to 9 months of my salary.
I am extremely pissed.
Here is my question...
I really feel like I want to take him to court. Whether he will show, who knows. But, I want to take action.
Does anyone have any thoughts about whether Im over reacting, or blame placing, or anything?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Why not feel the pain Sarah and then think about it with your intelligence and not the emotional end of it. That's my suggestion.
You need not make a decision today or even tomorrow.
Remember you were part of it too! Perhaps you are angry at yourself for letting it happen? I don't know.
You need not make a decision today or even tomorrow.
Remember you were part of it too! Perhaps you are angry at yourself for letting it happen? I don't know.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
I am feeling the exact same way.
I think as you stated, we are over the anger, hurt and the person, but the financial is an every day reminder.
I feel like I am paying the price over and over.
I have been left with all the debt.
The question I ask myself is it really going to worth the fight?
Will I be able to come to any kind of arrangement or will it be just banging my head against the wall?
It is just the damn principle of it all. Why should I get stuck with 23 years of debt and he gets to walk away free and clear.
I guess you can't put a price on your sanity.
I think as you stated, we are over the anger, hurt and the person, but the financial is an every day reminder.
I feel like I am paying the price over and over.
I have been left with all the debt.
The question I ask myself is it really going to worth the fight?
Will I be able to come to any kind of arrangement or will it be just banging my head against the wall?
It is just the damn principle of it all. Why should I get stuck with 23 years of debt and he gets to walk away free and clear.
I guess you can't put a price on your sanity.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Hey! Haven't been around for awhile. Sounds like a lot has happened since last year when we were communicating more.
I don't know what has happened Elizabeth, all I can do is tell you my own experience. I continued to feel angry and guilty for putting myself in this situation and then staying as long as I did. Then God gave me the strength to make a game plan. Once I made a game plan, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had to accept the fact that I am responsible for this much debt, and it will take me this many years to pay it off. That is the best I can do, and I learned to live with it.
Like I said, I don't know your current situation, but if I had joint debt and knew he was physically capable of splitting the debt, then yes, I would go to court and let a judge decide how it should be split. We may be codies, but that doesn't mean we should allow the situation we are in to destroy us financially.
I know it sounds like I am talking out of both sides of my mouth. I guess my point is, only you can decide. If you have joint debt then he should be held responsible for part of that debt. Regarding your share, you can and will eventually get ahead. It will take time and maybe a temporary lifestyle change... I will pray for God to give you the strength very soon to get rid of the anger and make a game plan!!!!
Take care!
I don't know what has happened Elizabeth, all I can do is tell you my own experience. I continued to feel angry and guilty for putting myself in this situation and then staying as long as I did. Then God gave me the strength to make a game plan. Once I made a game plan, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had to accept the fact that I am responsible for this much debt, and it will take me this many years to pay it off. That is the best I can do, and I learned to live with it.
Like I said, I don't know your current situation, but if I had joint debt and knew he was physically capable of splitting the debt, then yes, I would go to court and let a judge decide how it should be split. We may be codies, but that doesn't mean we should allow the situation we are in to destroy us financially.
I know it sounds like I am talking out of both sides of my mouth. I guess my point is, only you can decide. If you have joint debt then he should be held responsible for part of that debt. Regarding your share, you can and will eventually get ahead. It will take time and maybe a temporary lifestyle change... I will pray for God to give you the strength very soon to get rid of the anger and make a game plan!!!!
Take care!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I agree peace of mind is important. I thought it through for months and made a decision that I will pursue what is mine. I came to the conclusion, for myself alone, that anything else was just more enabling. It wasn't easy to decide, and I agree with Judy - take your time and remove the emotional from it. Time gave me that and I am at peace with my path.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
When I told my therapist I was feeling guilty because I was angry that my alcoholic daughter has put me thousands of dollars into debt, my therapist laughed and said "at least that's something that can be clearly measured!".
It made me feel Ok about the fact that I was angry about being dragged into debt by the actions of an alcoholic... I take it as a lesson and I have set up some strong boundaries around a lot of the financial issues with my daughter...
I say, make him accountable. It will be a good exercise for you and for him!
It made me feel Ok about the fact that I was angry about being dragged into debt by the actions of an alcoholic... I take it as a lesson and I have set up some strong boundaries around a lot of the financial issues with my daughter...
I say, make him accountable. It will be a good exercise for you and for him!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
I agree with Judy, you don't need to make a decision today about it.
Even if you went after him for the money and you won, can you get blood from a stone?
And it means contact with him, is that what you want?
It takes two to tango even in the money game.
I could say that certain people took alot from me but I did choose to give it to them.
Ngaire
Even if you went after him for the money and you won, can you get blood from a stone?
And it means contact with him, is that what you want?
It takes two to tango even in the money game.
I could say that certain people took alot from me but I did choose to give it to them.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
I am in debt for the very first time in my life as a direct result from being involved with my ex.
I thought long and hard about trying to get the money back. I finally realized that by doing so, there would be some sort of communication with his lawyers, my lawyers, him, and his whole and cast and crew of unsavory characters.
The money, although in my opinion is substantial, was not substantial enough to risk my safety, my sanity, or my new found peace of mind. If I pursued it, I would be choosing to invite his particular brand of chaos back into my life - at least for the period of time it would take to be resolved! I've worked much too hard to allow that to happen.
That was my cost of freedom, and, it was well worth every penny!
I thought long and hard about trying to get the money back. I finally realized that by doing so, there would be some sort of communication with his lawyers, my lawyers, him, and his whole and cast and crew of unsavory characters.
The money, although in my opinion is substantial, was not substantial enough to risk my safety, my sanity, or my new found peace of mind. If I pursued it, I would be choosing to invite his particular brand of chaos back into my life - at least for the period of time it would take to be resolved! I've worked much too hard to allow that to happen.
That was my cost of freedom, and, it was well worth every penny!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by elizabeth1979
...But, I want to take action.
Does anyone have any thoughts about whether Im over reacting, or blame placing, or anything?
Does anyone have any thoughts about whether Im over reacting, or blame placing, or anything?
The way I did it was using the 12 steps of al-anon. I went to meetings in my new town (I also moved when I left my "A") talked to a lot of people, found some folks with lots of serenity and then did a fourth and fifth step just on my relationship with my now ex-wife.
Working those steps did wonders for me. It helped me see where all my confused feelings were coming from, how I had all the right reasons for doing the wrong things, and how I needed to keep working on me in order to not slide back into that "stinking thinking".
Financially my wife wound up with more than I did. I could have taken her to court, and payed a lawyer, and gone thru all that additional pain and anguish. I have no idea how our daughter would react to such a battle, or her Mom with whom I am still close. It didn't take me long to figure out that for me the effort and pain of a legal battle would be greater than the value of any money I might get.
I have a cozy little place to live, a little money in the bank. I've had two jobs since then and soon hope to have a third. Lots of new friends I've met thru my meetings, nice neighbors. I've got a whole new life, and it looks good. That extra money would not have come free, and now that I've had a little time to get perspective it would not have been worth it.
As to what _your_ feelings are about your situation I cannot tell. But I can suggest a few meetings of Al-Anon in your new town, a new sponsor and some step work
Mike
Acting not reacting
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Valid points everyone makes, thank you.
Removing the emotion needs to be done, without a doubt.
This is also how I feel about it. There is a grief factor involed. Do I really want communication with this person? No. But (as of this day), I would take seeing him in court over paying the piper without reimbursement.
Much of the money he owes me was in the form of "loans" that he claimed responsibilty for in writing.
We say that we should hold the alcoholic accountable without emotion and detach. Accepting no more from them, simply because they are sick?
So, I dont really see how this would be different. If a non alcoholic, non ex boyfriend had failed to repay me this kind of money, you can bet Id be in court over it.
That is my dilemna. I dont want to make concessions for him in the name of "Well hes sick" or "well, I was partially to blame bc I loaned it".
Am I making sense?
Removing the emotion needs to be done, without a doubt.
I came to the conclusion, for myself alone, that anything else was just more enabling. It wasn't easy to decide, and I agree with Judy - take your time and remove the emotional from it
This is also how I feel about it. There is a grief factor involed. Do I really want communication with this person? No. But (as of this day), I would take seeing him in court over paying the piper without reimbursement.
Much of the money he owes me was in the form of "loans" that he claimed responsibilty for in writing.
We say that we should hold the alcoholic accountable without emotion and detach. Accepting no more from them, simply because they are sick?
So, I dont really see how this would be different. If a non alcoholic, non ex boyfriend had failed to repay me this kind of money, you can bet Id be in court over it.
That is my dilemna. I dont want to make concessions for him in the name of "Well hes sick" or "well, I was partially to blame bc I loaned it".
Am I making sense?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Sarah, please check the date on the oldest signed note, or IOU and then check the statute in the state where this happened. You do not want to the time limit to run out on filing in court.
Also, yes, calm down first, then it might be wise to talk with Minnie and get her input as she did sue and I believe is still involved in the court process of regaining the funds she lost to her ex.
You have EVERY RIGHT to legally go and collect a debt owed. He signed the individual IOU's and thus IT IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY.
You do need to do a "Pro and Con List" on the whole thing. I personally would be hesitant if it was only a few hundred dollars, but heck the Thousands you are talking about, this definitely needs more thought on what you are going to do.
J M H O
Love and ((((((to all)))))),
Also, yes, calm down first, then it might be wise to talk with Minnie and get her input as she did sue and I believe is still involved in the court process of regaining the funds she lost to her ex.
You have EVERY RIGHT to legally go and collect a debt owed. He signed the individual IOU's and thus IT IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY.
You do need to do a "Pro and Con List" on the whole thing. I personally would be hesitant if it was only a few hundred dollars, but heck the Thousands you are talking about, this definitely needs more thought on what you are going to do.
J M H O
Love and ((((((to all)))))),
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I'd go to court and get my money! I wouldn't waste time on anger though - I would simply address the issue of IOU's. Perhaps I would ask once outside of court but that would be for my own peace of mind rather than expecting it to work.
I don't think D was responsible (entirely!) for the huge credit he ran up last year but he is responsible for paying it back - that's good for me and him.
I don't think D was responsible (entirely!) for the huge credit he ran up last year but he is responsible for paying it back - that's good for me and him.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
You tell me how much yours cost you and I'll tell you how much mine cost me. Might make you feel better...
But seriously... even if you took him to court and won a judgement, could he even pay it back with his employment history? Or would you just be starting a never ending court battle that drains you of even more money in the form of legal costs?
But seriously... even if you took him to court and won a judgement, could he even pay it back with his employment history? Or would you just be starting a never ending court battle that drains you of even more money in the form of legal costs?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Sarah, I'm at work so don't have time to write a long reply just now.
All I will say is - don't do it out of anger. You need to deal with that aspect before you launch any kind of legal action otherwise your decisions will be clouded.
All I will say is - don't do it out of anger. You need to deal with that aspect before you launch any kind of legal action otherwise your decisions will be clouded.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
You tell me how much yours cost you and I'll tell you how much mine cost me. Might make you feel better...
If the xabf doesn't have a decent job/ or even a job... doesn't make the anger less, but it gives an answer...
Or would you just be starting a never ending court battle that drains you of even more money in the form of legal costs?
Lately, I have been seeing some light at the end of the tunnel (after more than a yr since he's been gone) and after 3 yrs of working 30 -40 hrs (each week) overtime. My relief is that, although I didn't get to keep the ot money (repaying alot of debt and I now got it turned around with a lower interest rate) I have peace to work less and be home more
If the xabf doesn't have a decent job/ or even a job... doesn't make the anger less, but it gives an answer...
Or would you just be starting a never ending court battle that drains you of even more money in the form of legal costs?
Lately, I have been seeing some light at the end of the tunnel (after more than a yr since he's been gone) and after 3 yrs of working 30 -40 hrs (each week) overtime. My relief is that, although I didn't get to keep the ot money (repaying alot of debt and I now got it turned around with a lower interest rate) I have peace to work less and be home more
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
I understand how you feel Sarah. I recently evaluated the damages
and was shocked! I do have to consider that I was the one who willingly
handed over the money to him. We had a small business together,
I was the bank as you could guess. I only received a fraction of
what was due to me. Plane tickets not used, rent & utilities, clothing,
eye brow waxings (yes eye brow waxings) and a mirade of other
things I paid for. I have decided that I will stand in a long line of
creditors, child support being first on the list.....
I have come so far and seeing, communicating with him or with an
attorney about him just don't seem worth it at this point.
I have learned a valuable lesson, one that I won't soon forget.
So for me writing my losses off are better for my serenity than
to try to gain back what has long been lost.
and was shocked! I do have to consider that I was the one who willingly
handed over the money to him. We had a small business together,
I was the bank as you could guess. I only received a fraction of
what was due to me. Plane tickets not used, rent & utilities, clothing,
eye brow waxings (yes eye brow waxings) and a mirade of other
things I paid for. I have decided that I will stand in a long line of
creditors, child support being first on the list.....
I have come so far and seeing, communicating with him or with an
attorney about him just don't seem worth it at this point.
I have learned a valuable lesson, one that I won't soon forget.
So for me writing my losses off are better for my serenity than
to try to gain back what has long been lost.
Acting not reacting
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I have realized what it is exactly I am angry about.
Im angry that I am not doing anything and that I have NOT done what I said I would do if he didnt pay me back. I told him months and months ago I would take him to court. So, if I dont...who is the quacker now?
I will give it some more thought, but for $30,000 I think Im going to court. I am quite certain he would not have the money to pay me. No questions. Although I do know that in the 3 years we were together, he only received 1 income tax refund, the other years were garnished due to judgements filed by...you guessed it...ex girlfriends.
Im angry that I am not doing anything and that I have NOT done what I said I would do if he didnt pay me back. I told him months and months ago I would take him to court. So, if I dont...who is the quacker now?
I will give it some more thought, but for $30,000 I think Im going to court. I am quite certain he would not have the money to pay me. No questions. Although I do know that in the 3 years we were together, he only received 1 income tax refund, the other years were garnished due to judgements filed by...you guessed it...ex girlfriends.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
I would say since you told him what would happen you should
follow through, otherwise yes it is quacking.
You might as well take a number and stand in line...
one day he may grow up and be able to honor ALL his debts....
follow through, otherwise yes it is quacking.
You might as well take a number and stand in line...
one day he may grow up and be able to honor ALL his debts....
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
