manipulation?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: utah
Posts: 42
manipulation?
Hi everyone,
I've been separated from my husband for about 2 months now and he just came to visit this weekend to see me and the kids. It was very awkward as I am living with my parents and they are not at all pleased with him right now. We got into a heated discussion last night about all the issues surrounding us. He won't directly say it but he resents me for leaving him all alone. He says he has a disease and I promised to love him for better or worse, in sickness and in health. My response was that he promised to honor and respect me and I certainly hadn't been getting any of that for a long time. It always seems that I'm doing well, staying strong, holding on to my boundaries and then he starts talking and somehow I end up almost feeling bad! What the heck is wrong with me??? He's been sober for 17 days now, the first time out of a rehab that he's done it on his own. He's living with his parents now and its been completely up to him to go to meetings, etc. I haven't said a word about it. Somehow, just removing myself from his world has given me so much peace. Not being around him has completely taken my focus off of him. I have other things to think about now, like my own life, work , etc. It's just amazing how wrapped up we get in our A's life. He wants me to move in with him in a few months and I told him no. As much as my heart wants to, my brain (finally) is overriding those feelings! I refuse to go through this again. He's constantly telling me that its not his fault, the disease is so strong and gets such a hold on him. I feel that he has a choice whether he takes that first drink or not. Am I wrong in thinking that? I mean, he went through two rehabs and came out drinking even though he had good intentions. And to top it off, I think he's becoming addicted to nicotine now!! He's going to kill himself one way or another. Crazy!
I've been separated from my husband for about 2 months now and he just came to visit this weekend to see me and the kids. It was very awkward as I am living with my parents and they are not at all pleased with him right now. We got into a heated discussion last night about all the issues surrounding us. He won't directly say it but he resents me for leaving him all alone. He says he has a disease and I promised to love him for better or worse, in sickness and in health. My response was that he promised to honor and respect me and I certainly hadn't been getting any of that for a long time. It always seems that I'm doing well, staying strong, holding on to my boundaries and then he starts talking and somehow I end up almost feeling bad! What the heck is wrong with me??? He's been sober for 17 days now, the first time out of a rehab that he's done it on his own. He's living with his parents now and its been completely up to him to go to meetings, etc. I haven't said a word about it. Somehow, just removing myself from his world has given me so much peace. Not being around him has completely taken my focus off of him. I have other things to think about now, like my own life, work , etc. It's just amazing how wrapped up we get in our A's life. He wants me to move in with him in a few months and I told him no. As much as my heart wants to, my brain (finally) is overriding those feelings! I refuse to go through this again. He's constantly telling me that its not his fault, the disease is so strong and gets such a hold on him. I feel that he has a choice whether he takes that first drink or not. Am I wrong in thinking that? I mean, he went through two rehabs and came out drinking even though he had good intentions. And to top it off, I think he's becoming addicted to nicotine now!! He's going to kill himself one way or another. Crazy!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Ditto to what Smoke said. You can see that your life is so much better right now, and the key is to look after yourself first.
It is a sad disease, and making responsible choices is not easy for an addict, but you are in no way responsible for any of those choices or his failure to make one.
Keep doing what you are doing, and let time show you what the future may hold.
My prayers go out for you.
It is a sad disease, and making responsible choices is not easy for an addict, but you are in no way responsible for any of those choices or his failure to make one.
Keep doing what you are doing, and let time show you what the future may hold.
My prayers go out for you.
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Hi paige
Your husband is right it is not his fault
but then neither is it yours.
It is such a baffling perplexing disease
and noone knows why the alcoholic turns
back to it after suffering the grief.
I heard it said that I can go back to my old
behaviors just as the alcoholic can turn back
to his bottle. If I do not continually work my own
program I see what happerns to me, that
is probably my own limited understanding of the
disease, the alcoholic and those that have lived
with it must for our sanity and life stick with our
programs.
I can try and simplify all I want, to try and
understand but dont know that i will ever be
able to do that.
Keep doing what is right for you Paige one
day at a time
Hugs
liddy
Your husband is right it is not his fault
but then neither is it yours.
It is such a baffling perplexing disease
and noone knows why the alcoholic turns
back to it after suffering the grief.
I heard it said that I can go back to my old
behaviors just as the alcoholic can turn back
to his bottle. If I do not continually work my own
program I see what happerns to me, that
is probably my own limited understanding of the
disease, the alcoholic and those that have lived
with it must for our sanity and life stick with our
programs.
I can try and simplify all I want, to try and
understand but dont know that i will ever be
able to do that.
Keep doing what is right for you Paige one
day at a time
Hugs
liddy
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Paige,
Stick to those boundaries and do what is best for you. Don't be sucked into the co-dependency cycle again or you'll just end up miserable again.
Remember this, Paige. He's been through rehab, so he CANNOT claim ignorance. He knows what he needs to do to stay sober. He's been given the tools, so now it's up to him. If you choose not to stay with him if he continues his drinking or starts it back up again, that is YOUR RIGHT. If YOU don't look after YOU, no one else will.
Keeping you in my prayers, that you'll stay strong (cause I know about that wavering.....
),
Hangin' In
Stick to those boundaries and do what is best for you. Don't be sucked into the co-dependency cycle again or you'll just end up miserable again.
Remember this, Paige. He's been through rehab, so he CANNOT claim ignorance. He knows what he needs to do to stay sober. He's been given the tools, so now it's up to him. If you choose not to stay with him if he continues his drinking or starts it back up again, that is YOUR RIGHT. If YOU don't look after YOU, no one else will.
Keeping you in my prayers, that you'll stay strong (cause I know about that wavering.....
),Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hello paige!
CHOICE is right!!!! To choose or not to choose? Gee, why can't they answer the question correctly. My mother said once when I was telling her that my husband had been sober for 9 days and then drank again, " if he can stay away from it that long why can't he just quit? He must feel better when he is sober and want to continue feeling good". If only it were that simple, right?
Keep up the good work!! Your doing great!
Praying for you,
matters
CHOICE is right!!!! To choose or not to choose? Gee, why can't they answer the question correctly. My mother said once when I was telling her that my husband had been sober for 9 days and then drank again, " if he can stay away from it that long why can't he just quit? He must feel better when he is sober and want to continue feeling good". If only it were that simple, right?
Keep up the good work!! Your doing great!
Praying for you,
matters
Paused
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Ogdensburg, NY
Posts: 30
I agree
I agree with the other responses to your post. It is your responsibility to be true to yourself. You can feel the peace and you can feel the wavering when you talk to him. You know in your heart what is best for you. Stay strong and committed to your SELF.
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 37
Paige,
Good for you!! You really inspire me. You are firmly holding to your boundaries, not accepting responsibility for HIS problems, you're taking care of yourself, you're appreciating your newfound sense of peace and freedom, and not getting sucked into codependence and guilt again.
Wow. I, for one, know that it is NOT easy. Right ON!!!
Hugs,
kate
Good for you!! You really inspire me. You are firmly holding to your boundaries, not accepting responsibility for HIS problems, you're taking care of yourself, you're appreciating your newfound sense of peace and freedom, and not getting sucked into codependence and guilt again.
Wow. I, for one, know that it is NOT easy. Right ON!!!
Hugs,
kate
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