suzy

Hi, don't really know where to start. I suppose I'm really looking for a way to become better, to find out who I really am now that I've realised that I'm putting on a facade in daily life. I read a book yesterday called "women who love too much". Parts of the book amazed me, parts moved me so much I almost cried, parts made me angry but all I identified with. My mum is a recovering alcoholic and drug abuser, my step dad was an alcoholic too who beat my mother and us kids regularly. She beat us too. I was the eldest of 4 children. Growing up I think I was about 7 when I really started taking over the mother role in our family, I remember because my littlest sister was just born and weaned. I used to get her up and get her breakfast everyday. At the time my brother and other sister were living with their father so it was just me and my little sis. About the only thing I could make her to eat in those days was jam sandwiches or when the bread ran out wheatabix with jam on. We lived in the country so mostly I used to take her bird watching while my mum slept upstairs with her boyfriend. They took drugs a lot, I was young and didn't understand exactly what drugs were but knew she was doing something that made her stop getting up in the morning. I remember going in and trying to shake her awake to get her up but she wouldn't and after a while she just started locking the door so I couldn't get in. Then while I would try and sleep at night she'd be up playing music and drinking and taking drugs with her boyfriend or friends. I started to feel like I should be my sisters mother, I was taking care of her, she felt like my baby. I tried to get her to call me mum which made my mum really angry when she found out. I remember feeling really jealous whenever she did take my sister and spend time with her. She had to sometimes because she was still breastfeeding her. I don't remember for sure but I think I tried to breastfeed my baby sister too but of course it couldn't have worked. Anyway, my stepdad would come back with my brother and other sister now and again throughout the years and sometimes he would abandon them so we would all be together too sometimes. I always felt like I had to take care of them and when my brother got bigger we were like the mother and daddy figures, I would cook the dinner and clean the home while he would go out and chop wood for the fire. I guess he has issues to but to be honest I don't really know much about them. I'm not sure I know much about my own, I thought I had dealt with most of them, learned to forget, forgive, move on but then I read this book and saw how my choice of partners and my behaviour seemed to be directly linked to my past in more ways than I thought possible. I'm not sure that I'm in an abusive relationship. My boyfriend doesn't hit me. He's usually very timid, over the years he has less patience with me but I think I deserve it since I haven't been easy on him. I'm always giving him a hard time, trying to get him to do what I think is right. He says he never gets a moments peace and to be honest I don't think he does. Sometimes I see myself doing it and wonder why? He left a few weeks ago because things got so bad and he lost his temper so much with me that he actually started shaking me and I guess almost got violent. That's not strange, I've been violent with all my partners except the first one. My first boyfriend was much older than I and we were together on and off for three years. Because of the age gap we had to keep it a secret, legally he wasn't allowed to be with me. He really liked to play head games and shout and scream in my ear or throw furniture around. After him I promised myself I wouldn't be a victim anymore. My next boyfriend was a drug addict. He was ok as long as he could have his fun and get money for drugs, eventually he started stealing from me and when I found out I just hid the money better. One night he got really angry because I wouldn't give him the money for drugs and he grabbed me round the throat, he really scared me but instead of crying, like before, I got violent and incredibly angry, I grabbed his throat back and told him if he ever did that to me again I would kill him, I must have sounded sincere because he never did but it didn't stop me being violent with him when I was angry. Eventually we split and I met another guy. He seemed like a dream for a lot of years. Kind, thoughtful, considerate and seemed to just love me for who I was. He brought my confidence to levels I never thought possible, Imena I always gave the impression of being tough and in control but inside I always felt like it was a trick, like I was fooling everyone, he made me feel confident on the inside, so that I wasn't tricking anyone. But for some reason I couldn't stop reacting violently when I felt cornered. Sometimes we would fight and I would tell him, try to warn him that I was getting to a point where I couldn't control myself anymore and begged him to leave me alone before anything happened but then he would come at me again shouting and something would snap, I would just start grabbing or kicking or biting, immediatly afterward I would feel so terrible and just fall to pieces at what I;d become, now I wasn't defending myself I was hitting someone I loved, I felt/feel like I'd become one of those awful people my mother knew, my worst nightmare. After that happened I would fall into deep depression, sometimes not moving from wherever I fell for the whole day, going through guilt, anger, resentment, self hate, god the list is endless. My relatioship is coming to an end now because I know I am starting to heal, I want to get better and have been trying to figure out how to do this for a few years now. It has been slow and I'm very confused about what to do but I feel like I'm getting somewhere. My boyfriend, I wanted him to come with me on this journey, he has issues that I believe need to be addressed but he doesn't want to and now I think that because he doesn't have to take care of me so much anymore he feels useless and not needed. I know he resents me, he says I have no feeling for him anymore, and that I try to control his life and he doesn't want it anymore, he doesn't want me in his life anymore. I think he felt more comfortable with a depressed messed up girl than a fairly confident messed up girl, he tells me he misses the girl he fell inlove with, how can he a miss a drug addict/drinker/maniac? (By the way, I don't take drugs anymore and rarly drink : ) ) I got a good job and am good at it. Became a responsible parent. Gained confidence to be myself and have even started trying to rebuild my relationship with my mother. I'm startign to feel good about myself and my life for the first time since I can ever remember but the side effect of that seems to be that because I want him to join me on this journey I started trying to get the same for him, organising the house, trying to get him a job I think is good, writing his cv, making him give up smoking, trying to get him to spend more time with his family, I guess just smothering him, controlling him and really trying to mould him into the kind of guy I want now that I have an idea what I want, before I didn't care. Anyway, I live in a country where english is not the main language and although I am going to see a councellar I think it will be hard to find an english speaking suport group so hopefully somebody here can start one with me online? I hope so because I really want to change who I am and understand myself better. I have a little girl to think about and I read how we pass this on to our children, I don't want to do that so please anyone, give some advice, maybe we can help each other?

best

Hello Suzy
Welcome to SR.
Though we have people from all over come here, most are here at daylight hours in the states.
As people show with answers or comments for your post, they will reply.
Have a look about. Read the posts that say sticky beside them at the top of the forum list. Stay a while or come back and I am sure you will find a few replies in time.

kennethhoff

Suzy, first, I wish you all the best, and with as much peace and happiness as possible.
So so much seems to be going on your life. But did you notice it is ALL with OTHERS? You mum, your brother, boyfriend, etc...
My biggest question and concern for you is this: Who is taking care of Suzy? What if Suzy learned to be who she really is, perfect, in control of her life, at peace, etc... and just let others take care of themselves, and life take care of itself they way it will anyway?
You see all these problems and say to yourself, what is all these things and people are all wrong. So I would ask you to just think about this one. What if, everything was actually going right, but only YOU think there are problems?
Truth be told, your outlook and perception of everyone and everything in this world is based on your OWN thoughts. Make change possible from the inside out. Change Suzy, and Suzy's world shall change. Make this your number one priority, your defining willingness to change you, and I can gaurentee you that everyone and everything in your life will change. It may not be the way you WANT it to be, but you will be so much happier and peaceful inside, because you will have learned to let go, detach with love, and keep the focus on you. Ypu'll learn that your life is exactly as YOU see it!
Therapy sounds great. So is support from friends and/or family if possible. The biggest help by far is Alanon. It is a very open, free allowing and positive program that teaches you all this. Is there an Alanon by you? Make a investigation into it, and just try it for 6 meetings to see if you even like it. If so, keep sticking with it. If not, maybe therap is a better way. But ultimately, the principles are the same. But in Alanon, you get to meet and share with so so many others who either are, or who have gone through the exact same thing. It is a positive fellowship of friends, that's all. No specific doctrine or dogma, just people trying to get a measure of peace in their lives.
I strongly recommend it. Even to just try.

Remember Suzy: Change your mind, change your heart, change your life!

Peace as always,
Ken

notsleepingwell

Suzy....

Welcome to SR!!!!

there will be more along shortly to welcome you

DesertEyes

Hello there suzy, and welcome to Sober Recovery,

I'm glad you decided to change who you are and understand yourself better. That shows that you have a great deal of love for your little girl.

The kind of relationship that you describe with your past and present boyfriends is very common with us Adult Children. I was also the oldest, and I raised my younger brother much the same way you did with your little sister. When I grew up I found that I didn't know how to have a relationship without being some kind of "parent" figure.

You say that you boyfriend felt more comfortable with a depressed, messed up girl. I'm really sorry to hear that, it must be very painful to loose the love you have with that boyfriend, and to hear him say those things. The good news is that you are not a depressed, messed up girl anymore. You're a growing woman who is taking control of her life.

My Adult Children issues made my a depressed, messed up person too. I also used alcohol as a kind of "self-medication" to help me deal with all the "baggage" of my childhood. You'll find that is very common with us Adult Kids. I don't need to do that anymore. A few good therapists and a lot of "12 Step" meetings has done me a world of good.

I no longer feel all those horrible feelings, my emotions don't fly out of control like they used to. I am no longer pretending to feel normal and always afraid that others will find out how i really am inside. I am now comfortable with _me_ and proud of the things I have acomplished in my life. You will too, once you get rid of that "emotional baggage".

Check out the "sticky posts" in this forum, and also check out the "Friends and Family" forum in this same website. You'll find a _lot_ of people here who have lived and overcome a childhood very similar to yours.

Here's a couple books that I found very helpful:

Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz

'It Will Never Happen to Me!' Children of Alcoholics: As Youngsters - Adolescents - Adults by Claudia Black

For online resources check out

http://www.adultchildren.org/

In many places around the world the meetings of Al-Anon and Adult Children have merged. You mention that your choice of partners is affected by your parents addiction, so you qualify for Al-Anon even if your partners are not addicted to anything. Here's the link to Al-Anon

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

There's great online meetings for Adult Children and Al-Anon at

http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Welcome again suzy, we're glad to have you join our little "recovery room" here on Sober Recovery.

Mike

suzy

No matter what happens I can't stay the same, now that I know what the problem is I have to do something about it, the problem wasn't him, or that he didn't pick up his laundry, or cook, or spend time with us, or whatever, its me and the fact that nomatter how I thought I tried to prevent it my past is affecting my present. I don't want that to happen anymore. I so afraid of teaching my daughter the WRONG way to relate with people. I have to change myself and I will, my god I've come this far I must be able to! But sadly that means that at least for the time being I have to tell my boyfriend that I'm not ready for a relationship right now. If I don't sort this out by myself I run the risk of falling into the same emotional traps again and again. Once I get my head straight and if we still like each other then fine but the likelyhood is that that will never happen. He's made it clear that he doesn't like the person I'm becoming, and its not just the controlling, it seem to be the confidence and independance he has trouble with too. Hes told me he hates that I got this job, I've had it almost 2 years now and he's admitted that hes jealous, he doesn't like that I earn more money than him, that I have this opportunity and he doesn't, that I've made so many friends and he hasn't but I can't change that! I can't give up my job! They just agreed to fund me for a degree course, they are a good company and good people to work for and over the years he's changed jobs at least 14 times in 5 years, he quits because he says he doesn't get on with the people, they pick on him, sometimes I think he's right to walk away but sometimes I think he's not but nomatter what I think he's proven over the years that he can't be relied upon in that capacity, one of us HAS to have a steady job and income because I have a child to think about. In the beginning my job required that I work very long hours, they take care of their people but they expect dedication in return, 12 hour days were not what I had in mind - I didn't want to spend that time away from my baby but I had to, that meant that he had to take over the job of babysitting more, cooking that meals, doing more cleaning. I tried but it's so hard to do it all at work then come home and do it at home and somewhere find the energy to be a good mother too. He felt neglected, our sex life became non existant, at first because of my exaustion later because I couldn't with someone I felt wasn't putting the same dedication into our life as I was. I guess there's resentment on both sides. I don't want to make him sound like a loser, hes not, he's really a nice guy it just we're not right for each other just now. We were agueing constantly, avoiding each other at every opportunity, getting really nasty with each other. My temper has always been a problem, its not that I lose it often, its more that when I do its like a volcano blowing up. I work so hard at keeping it within managable boundries but sometimes I just can't hold it anymore and it erupts, it's scray, like if I start I won't ever be able to stop screaming. Everything becomes meaningless, the only thing I can think about it destroying anything around me. That does come from my childhood, I felt it then but strangly I think I had better control of it as a child than I do as an adult, maybe I just cared more before now I have a kind of "I don't give a s***" attitude, when I was a kid it was almost like my life depending on my not losing my temper because if I did someone would get hurt, my mums boyfriends used that as an excuse to beat her up because she couldn't keep her kids under control. Now the motivation just isn't there anymore, when I'm pissed I want everyone to know it and stay the f*** away. I guess if anyone knows what it's like to want to unleash pent up fury people here would? How do you get it out without looking crazy or hurting someone or both? I thought about kickboxing but decided not to, if I have trouble with my temper it probably isn't a good idea to learn how to kick someones ass. I used to do yoga for years then stopped for a long time and have recently taken it up again, maybe that will help. I remember that first time I blew up, my mum had just come back from shopping with her boyfriend and they were unpacking it, her boyfriend thought it was really funny to flash at us, she thought it was too, I was only 10 or 11 and reacted like any girl that age I think, I didn't want to see my mother's boyfriends d*** getting waggled in front of my face so hid my eyes while they laughed, then one, I don't know who, thought it would be even funnier to unwrap one of the sausages they had bought and rub it on my lips while I covered my eyes, I really thought it was him, I should have bitten it off but instead I started screaming and when I saw the "joke" they played on me I lost it, I screamed and shouted like never before and ran upstairs and started trashing my bedroom, my sisters were sharing with me and I threw some of there toys downstairs smashing them off the walls, I felt really guilty to be smashing up their toys because we didn't have much but it felt so good to break something, to hear the noise and feel the adrenalin. I don't know what happened after that, I don't remember, I don't even remember what my sisters said about their toys, they weren't there, I don't know where they were or why I was home alone. That was the first time I lost it, it didn't happen much after that but when it did it did so with a vengance.

I looked for alanon but I live in holland, even if I went to a meeting I wouldn't understand anything anyone was saying and it seems that its important to identify with people. I didn't know they had online support groups, when I checked out the website it didn't look like it so that 's really nice to hear they do. I'll check it out. Thanks.

fairyprincess

Hi Suzy!!!

I just wanted to say that I think we all want to be "normal" or percieved as normal by the outside world, we want it so much that we convince ourselves that we survived our childhood unscathed. The fact is that we did not escape without numerous scars and issues. And you know what?? It's okay. I've learned that I feel better about myself when I can identify behaviors that I have because of ACOA and work to modify them. I would get so frustrated and depressed when I couldn't seem to just "get it" whether it was work or a relationship...now I at least know why and it doesn't make me a weaker person, it makes me more confident. Be proud to be a survivor, be strong enough to admit that you have issues because of it, and be open to moving forward. Read everything you can get your hands on...we are apart of a huge population, you are not alone in anything you may have had to deal with....hang in there, give yourself time...denial, anger, guilt, bargaining, mourning, acceptance. Accept yourself how you are right now, love yourself for who you are right now, you are an amazing person, with amazing potential....then gain the tools to find out what you can do about the things that don't work for you in your life, and take one step at a time....soon you'll look back and be surprised at how far you've come......

utopia

welcome to SR!

H O W to recover?

Honesty
Openess
Willingness.

You have already begun and are now no longer alone

Much love for you on your journey.
peace.