Smyle

Hello and I could not decide where I wanted to post this... NA forum or here ???

I am 46 days clean and struggling, I had a seesion with my therapist (today) and have been going to meetings.( 2 so far this week and 1 tonight)..working my program but, (always a but with me) I am not ready to restore my sanity..step 2 ...everytime I think I can turn it over I realize I will never get there.

I want to use...I want to go get something right this second and I am posting because I am planning ....I am breaking and I HATE me I hate this I am so tired of feeling like this ....LIKE I HAVE TO USE...I am angry at myself and I am soo mad right now because I am scared.....
I am crying because I just want it to stop....I have been trying so freaking hard yet I feel like I did 46 days ago...I have no more stregth to fight this

I feel like I am losing my mind and I am full of rage and hate.

I am powerless not just over drugs but just plain powerless........this sucks I am leaving ....need to get some air or something......
~B

laurie6781

Just 2 questions for you to write about........

1. What would using fix? (nothing really)

and

2. How are going to feel afterwards besides horrible?

Why not write about it, then call one of those NA numbers and talk about it, and talk it to death, by then it will be meeting time.

We have all been where you are now Smyle......and by going and using and/or drinking it will only get worse, never better.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.

Love and hugs,

aloneagainor

Hi Smyle,
When I get to that state you describe I drop everything and head outside, physically move myself to a saner place, it's an escape, and gives me time to think through what I'm thinking rather than reacting to what I'm thinking of doing...

Laurie spelled it out fluently, about thinking it through and doing what you need to do for help, to get yourself outside of your own best thinking, either connecting with another person or with your concept of God, something other than the addiction that's pestering you so. We need help in this way, to go it alone only isolates, providing that environment in which the addict thinking thrives.

Yes, it's a rough road sometimes, we do empathize with you, and do know WE care. And in this there is always hope...

The Guzler

When I feel like that, and I often do! I have to go to a meeting, NA or AA or whatever it doesnt matter, Im around 70 days clean and it seems to be the best solution, helps me to be around peeps goin threw the same thing and others that have like 5 years clean and stuff gives me encouragement, if they can do it so can you. I wrote a story about the shyte that went on in the last 90 days of my active addiction and sometimes I read that to help me remember why I kwit... SAY A PRAYER TO GOD, HE LOVES YOU. psalm 31 is a really good one 4 me to read when satin is knocking on the front door:friday: .n HANG in there .:friday:

leviathon

Hey Smyle, you are the ultimate decider, not the addiction. THat voice demanding a fix will only get louder until it is eventually the only voice you will hear and then where will you be. At least now you get respite from time to time from its demands. If you go and use, it will only get louder; whereas if you don't use, it will slowly, over time, get quieter and quieter until it ceases to be heard.

Peace, Levi

chip

Smyle-
I hope you stick with us. 46 days is amazing progress. You are growing, and growing pains do happen. This too shall pass. The cravings are hellish, but they will pass. That addictive voice won't go away, if you welcome it. Try to accept that addictive voice, and counter it with a new voice. If you can, seek a higher power. This higher power can defeat your addictive voice.

I have no control over my addictions. I am powerless over alcohol and drugs. I've sought a higher power to take care of this stuff for me, because it is too much.

I feel for you as you struggle. You are not alone. Most of us here struggle as well.

You got some good advice so far. Try and find a quiet place: mentally, physically, and spritually. Go to that place, and surrender youself to a higher power of some sort. This higher power can help you. Give your pain to the higher power. Give your cravings and urges to the higher power. Guess what? This works for other people, and it can work for you too. Even if you don't believe in God, pray anyway. In time, a higher power will make things better.

For the time being, PLEASE stay with us, k? You are doing so well, don't throw it away. You don't have to use. You don't have to throw yourself away. You are worth so much, and you've come so far. Please keep posting....we care about you. You are not alone here.
chip

Time2Surrender

Hang in there. 46 days is quite an accomplishment. It does get better. If your willing to do the work. AA/NA is not for people who need it or want it. It is for people who do it. People willing to do the work required. Those sitting in meetings not working the steps with a sponsor are actually planning their next relapse and dont even know it. We are not powerless over drugs. To use drugs is a choice. We do not have to use. We are powerless over our addiction. Our addiction is the reason we lose control when we do use. When we truly surrender we see the difference between the two. To do this takes complete faith in our higher power. Thats when we begin to recover and the cravings will start to go away. Until we competly turn our will and our lives over to the care of our higher power, odds are nothing will change. One day at a time, we do not use. NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!! If it takes going to a meeting everyday, or several. Picking up the phone, or coming here to SoberRecovery. Whatever it takes to not use that day. But of course if your not ready, none of this really matters anyway.

GeorgiaPeach

Hey SMyle, where are you, are you OK? Look, I know this is hard and aggrivating and frustrating but you WILL overcome this!!! You ARE srong and you can do this!!! Hang in there and try to do something that takes your mind off of it. Go for a walk or a run or a swim or something! Remember, we are here for you, I am so very proud of you and your 46 days!!!

GP

c'est la vie

Hey Smyle, I hope you come back and check this thread and let us know what you did to get through this tough time. People with less time than you can really benefit from your experience.

Yesterday on my way back home (traveling by air with 3 kids, no husband, and 5 suitcases) I had a terrible time in the airport. It's a long story and I ended up shaking and crying and so desperately wanting a drink and wanting to NOT give a **** about my very little sober time. But somehow I made it home without drinking, despite the fact that they offered FREE wine with dinner on the plane!! Talk about PAIN!

I just think there are going to be times like that. I don't know how to get through more smoothly, but reading things here let's me know that others get through too. Hopefully you found someone to talk to or maybe just reading here helped you. Please post and let us know.

amymarie

Smyle,
I hope you are ok.
I too am on my 2nd step and can relate to your fears...
I hope you are ok....check your pm
love
amy

GeorgiaPeach

Smyle, I mover two of your threads back to the top, take a look at them again and see if that helps any!!!

Thinking of you!

GP

nocellphone

Smyle, I'm hoping you're ok and that you made it through without using...

I've been told (and I agree) that my sick thinking will never cure my sick thinking, so I know it's not up to me to restore myself to sanity. In my personal belief system, there is a higher power that can do that for me... if I do the necessary footwork (Steps 3 and beyond)...

Smyle

Hey everyone.....
I appreciate your kind helpful words and THANK YOU ALL for helping me out.
I just had to leave my house and get away from all the pressure here ....sometimes I just lose it....My family (parents/brother) are diving me CRAZY with phone calls about stupid crap...fights etc...

I have been working so hard and I just feel like everytime I get closer to being at peace and finding my way....something goes crappy and I am having trouble with step 2......I just had to geyt away....

Packed up our canoes....some gear ....some food...the kids...stopped and got my hubby and left. We just got home and I am feeling better. Still craving like crazy and working on step 2....I just wish I had more faith in well.... faith.
Does that make sense ???

I am having trouble establishing a HP and that has always been the case. I will work through it and keep doing what I have been doing.......I have not been clean this long since I was pregnant......4 yrs ago.....

I can do this.....I hope..........

~B

Phinneas

Glad you're alright, Smyle!

((((hugs))))

MNGirlyGirl

Hang in there Smyle. I have my moments too. Those are the times I need to get active and do something.

2dayzmuse

You say you are working on step 2. Are you working with a sponsor? So many try to work the steps by themselves, but the are meant to be worked with a sponsor. The sponsor is there to guide you through the difficult moments.

Sobriety1st

The moments will come and go..as they say, "this too shall pass" just don't use no matter what, "one day at a time" and "keep it simple", "easy does it"..I walk around saying those things everyday, and for me somedays it is a blink at a time that i stay sober, if i think past the moment at hand, i am liable to lose all reasoning..so, hang in there, we are all here to help you through those moments..

chip

Hey Smyle!
Good to hear from you. I'm glad you're ok.
chip

notsleepingwell

Smyle....I'm praying for you!!!!!!!!!

Smyle

Yes I have a sponsor and I my addiction specialist has been clean like 15 yrs and she helps me too.......

I just need to slow down and not force this so much. I am a spiritual person but still am apprehensive to accept some of step 2....

I feel pretty good today...Saturdays and sundays actually are my best days....I know it would be harder to get anything but alcohol today.. I do not like drinking so I feel safe on the weekends...WIERD I know...

It is hot here and I am going to the pool with the kids this afternoon.