Abuser and/or Alcoholic???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Abuser and/or Alcoholic???
I know that I made a mistake by moving back in with him. That is a fact!
I made a huge mistake and now I am getting the consequences.
He screams & yells at me because I spent an afternoon with my daughter. It was her birthday, and she doesn't come home very often. I miss her AND I love her.
He goes out drinking with his buddies and I am at home taking care of my duties: cleaning, cooking, cutting the grass, etc....... So, he can go out and get trashed, but if I go to visit my mother, sister, or daughter....he screams at me. Then he tells me that I'm acting like a little kid. WHAT???
Those of you who know me are probably saying, "She keeps complaining about the same things!" I'm sorry. I'm just at my wit's end and I want to have a life outside of these 4 walls. I'm not working because I have MS and I just recently beat cancer. Praise God!
I'm no spring chicken, but I wonder what it feels like to truly be loved by your partner. I know that this man doesn't love me....he uses me and he controls me. I walk on eggshells every day. I don't want sympathy. I just need someone to talk to. I just want to be happy and I work on making myself happy EVERY DAY. I truly do care for this man and I pray for him that he will stop hurting and hurting me in return. I keep praying that things will work out for us, but I don't know if that is what God wants for me. I know that I have to go through this because I made a bad choice by moving back in with him.
I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be afraid either.
Thank you for letting me vent!
God bless!
Grace
I made a huge mistake and now I am getting the consequences.
He screams & yells at me because I spent an afternoon with my daughter. It was her birthday, and she doesn't come home very often. I miss her AND I love her.
He goes out drinking with his buddies and I am at home taking care of my duties: cleaning, cooking, cutting the grass, etc....... So, he can go out and get trashed, but if I go to visit my mother, sister, or daughter....he screams at me. Then he tells me that I'm acting like a little kid. WHAT???
Those of you who know me are probably saying, "She keeps complaining about the same things!" I'm sorry. I'm just at my wit's end and I want to have a life outside of these 4 walls. I'm not working because I have MS and I just recently beat cancer. Praise God!
I'm no spring chicken, but I wonder what it feels like to truly be loved by your partner. I know that this man doesn't love me....he uses me and he controls me. I walk on eggshells every day. I don't want sympathy. I just need someone to talk to. I just want to be happy and I work on making myself happy EVERY DAY. I truly do care for this man and I pray for him that he will stop hurting and hurting me in return. I keep praying that things will work out for us, but I don't know if that is what God wants for me. I know that I have to go through this because I made a bad choice by moving back in with him.
I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be afraid either.
Thank you for letting me vent!
God bless!
Grace
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be afraid either
He goes out drinking with his buddies
So when you really think about it, you are alone but you have an occasional roommate.
You always have someone or many someones to talk to here at SR. This is the place to vent, talk things through, etc. To know you are NOT alone!
(((Grace)))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Life is too short to live with that abuse in your life. If you decide to leave, get prepared. Talk to a lawyer, save some money, open a new checking account, a new PO Box etc.
Being alone is not all that bad compared to living with a unrepentant alocoholic.
Being alone is not all that bad compared to living with a unrepentant alocoholic.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Grace it's been a long time since you have been here.
What kind of support (emotional) are you getting?
Can you go to Alanon meetings? Maybe when he is
out with his buddies you can do the things you want to do
without the fear of him yelling at you. He has extreme
control over you, which in itself is frightening.
As Guy said Life is too short, can't imagine you want to spend
your like this.
What kind of support (emotional) are you getting?
Can you go to Alanon meetings? Maybe when he is
out with his buddies you can do the things you want to do
without the fear of him yelling at you. He has extreme
control over you, which in itself is frightening.
As Guy said Life is too short, can't imagine you want to spend
your like this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Grace
I know that I have to go through this because I made a bad choice by moving back in with him.
(((hugs)))
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
God does NOT want this life for you. It appears you do not want this life for you but your fear is greater than the love you have for yourself.
Just because he's hurting doesn't give him the right to hurt you. I admire your compassion for him, if that's what it truly is. But I believe it's more you being as codie as the rest of us and afraid of sticking up for yourself. Even more, saying you know he's hurting and in turn hurts you is excuse making. It appears you're hurting as well, would that give you the right to treat him horribly? I think not.
So you made a mistake by moving back in, big deal. We've all made mistakes but we don't have to be a prisoner to those mistakes. You still have a choice and as you moved back in, you can move back out.
Minnie gave me the best advice once, I carry it with me now. I was on my knees hurting over my ah and all that he does. She said, "you know sunshine, it's okay to say 'I've had enough.' " Grace, it's okay to give yourself permission to scream "ENOUGH!" It's okay to save yourself from all of this and it's okay to walk away and not worry about him. He's a grown man capable of messing up his own life. It's his right, give it to him.
Just because he's hurting doesn't give him the right to hurt you. I admire your compassion for him, if that's what it truly is. But I believe it's more you being as codie as the rest of us and afraid of sticking up for yourself. Even more, saying you know he's hurting and in turn hurts you is excuse making. It appears you're hurting as well, would that give you the right to treat him horribly? I think not.
So you made a mistake by moving back in, big deal. We've all made mistakes but we don't have to be a prisoner to those mistakes. You still have a choice and as you moved back in, you can move back out.
Minnie gave me the best advice once, I carry it with me now. I was on my knees hurting over my ah and all that he does. She said, "you know sunshine, it's okay to say 'I've had enough.' " Grace, it's okay to give yourself permission to scream "ENOUGH!" It's okay to save yourself from all of this and it's okay to walk away and not worry about him. He's a grown man capable of messing up his own life. It's his right, give it to him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
*hugs*
You asked the question "I wonder what it feels like to truly be loved by your partner"
Let me see if I can help with this:
He gets up much earlier then I do, its his nature after all.... I wake up in the morning and strech out thinking about all the things I have to get done that day... normal chores.... I have been stress lately and feel like I can never get caught up... but its Sat and I have all day to do the chores... I roll over to find a red rose on his pillow with a note saying... Good Morning Love, Coffee is made. *smiles*
Hair standing straight up, makeup all over cuz Im bad about washing my face before bed I walk into the livingroom and he gives my morning breath self a kiss and says "goodmorning beautiful"... I grumble something about his being blind and go for the coffee.... Getting my cup I go out to the gazabo to have a cig and drink my first cup. Its then that I notice he has already watered all my flowers, mowed my lawn and completely cleaned the yard... Feeling bad I walk into the livingroom and finally notice that he is folding my laundry.
I give him a kiss and thank him *feeling very grateful* and ask if he is hungry, when he says ya I go to the kitchen to fix something and find that he has already been to the market and bought all the stuff to fix my favorite breakfast.... We cook breakfast together and eat outside.
He tells me that all I wanted to get done today is done (unless there is something else) and wonders if I would like to go to the lake and relax.
That is what I feel love is, or at least part of it. Dont take me wrong this is not everyday, but not once has he yelled at me, disrespected me or intentally caused me to hurt. We have had our fights, hurts and disapointments as well..
Making a mistake does not mean you cant fix the mistake.... 1 1/2 years ago I was on my knees praying for the lord to help me... I gave up, my A had completely defeated me and I needed help for him to get well, for us to put our relationship back together..... being defeated, I told God I give up... please fix this and I will follow whatever he wills. Well he fixed it alright, not how I thought he would but he fixed it. I have not talked to my A in over a year and what I described is my life today......
What is it you want your life to be?
You asked the question "I wonder what it feels like to truly be loved by your partner"
Let me see if I can help with this:
He gets up much earlier then I do, its his nature after all.... I wake up in the morning and strech out thinking about all the things I have to get done that day... normal chores.... I have been stress lately and feel like I can never get caught up... but its Sat and I have all day to do the chores... I roll over to find a red rose on his pillow with a note saying... Good Morning Love, Coffee is made. *smiles*
Hair standing straight up, makeup all over cuz Im bad about washing my face before bed I walk into the livingroom and he gives my morning breath self a kiss and says "goodmorning beautiful"... I grumble something about his being blind and go for the coffee.... Getting my cup I go out to the gazabo to have a cig and drink my first cup. Its then that I notice he has already watered all my flowers, mowed my lawn and completely cleaned the yard... Feeling bad I walk into the livingroom and finally notice that he is folding my laundry.
I give him a kiss and thank him *feeling very grateful* and ask if he is hungry, when he says ya I go to the kitchen to fix something and find that he has already been to the market and bought all the stuff to fix my favorite breakfast.... We cook breakfast together and eat outside.
He tells me that all I wanted to get done today is done (unless there is something else) and wonders if I would like to go to the lake and relax.
That is what I feel love is, or at least part of it. Dont take me wrong this is not everyday, but not once has he yelled at me, disrespected me or intentally caused me to hurt. We have had our fights, hurts and disapointments as well..
Making a mistake does not mean you cant fix the mistake.... 1 1/2 years ago I was on my knees praying for the lord to help me... I gave up, my A had completely defeated me and I needed help for him to get well, for us to put our relationship back together..... being defeated, I told God I give up... please fix this and I will follow whatever he wills. Well he fixed it alright, not how I thought he would but he fixed it. I have not talked to my A in over a year and what I described is my life today......
What is it you want your life to be?
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi Grace,
When you were growing up and before you started dating much, how did you envision your future marriage? Did you imagine a kind man, giving you positive attention, finding you interesting, Loving you and letting you try different things to discover your true interests? Did you imagine being able to share your thoughts without fear of ridicule? Did you think about how easy he would be to walk with, talk with and snuggle with at night?
THAT is what you deserve in a good relationship.
This is a lie.
Stop telling yourself you deserve this. Stop doing "duties" for him. The only one who CAN make your life better is..... you know this one.... you!
It is all about your choices. Choose to stay, if you need to, until you find the financial help (check women's shelters for ideas) to get away. But it doesn't matter if it is alcohol or meanness, you deserve the life you once imagined.
((((Grace)))))
When you were growing up and before you started dating much, how did you envision your future marriage? Did you imagine a kind man, giving you positive attention, finding you interesting, Loving you and letting you try different things to discover your true interests? Did you imagine being able to share your thoughts without fear of ridicule? Did you think about how easy he would be to walk with, talk with and snuggle with at night?
THAT is what you deserve in a good relationship.
I know that I have to go through this because I made a bad choice by moving back in with him.
Stop telling yourself you deserve this. Stop doing "duties" for him. The only one who CAN make your life better is..... you know this one.... you!
It is all about your choices. Choose to stay, if you need to, until you find the financial help (check women's shelters for ideas) to get away. But it doesn't matter if it is alcohol or meanness, you deserve the life you once imagined.
((((Grace)))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Grace,
Disability pension for your M.S, Section 8 for your housing needs. Womens shelter until you get yourself set up.
And no you do not have to go through this because you decided to move back in with him. Just get yourself out. He is a very sick,abusive alcoholic.
Have you gone back and read your old posts yet?
ProAction ProAction ProAction ProAction.
Ngaire
Disability pension for your M.S, Section 8 for your housing needs. Womens shelter until you get yourself set up.
And no you do not have to go through this because you decided to move back in with him. Just get yourself out. He is a very sick,abusive alcoholic.
Have you gone back and read your old posts yet?
ProAction ProAction ProAction ProAction.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Both abuser and alcoholic. And you've sold yourself into slavery and are beating yourself up for making a mistake. How long are you going to hurt yourself? Isn't he doing enough of that to you??? You have feelings, but you don't have to get stuck in those feelings. You can see this situation for what it is. The guy is an abusive drunk. Even with M.S., I am sure there are job opportunities for you. People with disabilities have jobs. Right now you DO have a job - without pay and no thanks! To heck with that!
Love yourself enough to walk away from this. Stress does not help any illness. Yes, you should pray, but God doesn't always answer. Sometimes I think He wants us to pick ourselves up off the ground and take a leap of faith. Maybe you just need to take action. Maybe God is waiting quietly for you to have enough faith in Him and yourself to leave this situation.
Love yourself enough to walk away from this. Stress does not help any illness. Yes, you should pray, but God doesn't always answer. Sometimes I think He wants us to pick ourselves up off the ground and take a leap of faith. Maybe you just need to take action. Maybe God is waiting quietly for you to have enough faith in Him and yourself to leave this situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Thank you all so much for your kind words and support.
I feel the need to tell you what happened to me after I was diagnosed with cancer. I, too, got on my knees and asked God to help me. He answered that prayer and found me a new home, for myself and my dog. I chose not to do chemo and radiation, as the doctors insisted. I was harassed and threatened by my doctors and the cancer center. I used natural treatments and am still cancer-free.
Unfortunately, my landlord, who was 85 years old, became obsessed with me, and this brought back terrible repressed memories of sexual abuse that I had gone through as a child. I had kept it a secret for over 45 years. I went into a deep clinical depression and went out of remission with the MS. Thanks to God, once again, I got help and counseling for the sex abuse. A psychologist did a type of timeline therapy on me, for FREE, in order to help me heal from the past abuse. Unfortunately, before I began counseling, I went back to my Abf. I was so afraid of my landlord that I had to run. So...that is how I ended up back here. You may be thinking, "How could she be afraid of an 85 year old man?" It wasn't actually HIM that I was afraid of, it was the repressed memories of the little girl in me that had been abused by an elderly relative.
I DO know that God doesn't want me in an abusive relationship. He got me out of here once before, and I'm sure that he will open a door for me again. I truly believe that we learn lessons from all our experiences. I came through the depression and I am much stronger now. I don't regret moving in beside the elderly gentleman because it forced me to open up about what had happened to me as a child. Perhaps that abuse is what caused me to make such poor choices in my relationships. Perhaps I felt like I didn't deserve to be treated well.
I don't hate my b/f because he mistreats me. I know that he was physically abused as a child, so he doesn't know how to treat people. I believe that we are all products of our environment, and we learn what we live. My b/f has suffered too, BUT I do not want to suffer anymore because of it.
Reading your replies to this thread made me feel very loved and cared for. I haven't felt that for a long, long time.
Thank you ALL!
God Bless
I feel the need to tell you what happened to me after I was diagnosed with cancer. I, too, got on my knees and asked God to help me. He answered that prayer and found me a new home, for myself and my dog. I chose not to do chemo and radiation, as the doctors insisted. I was harassed and threatened by my doctors and the cancer center. I used natural treatments and am still cancer-free.
Unfortunately, my landlord, who was 85 years old, became obsessed with me, and this brought back terrible repressed memories of sexual abuse that I had gone through as a child. I had kept it a secret for over 45 years. I went into a deep clinical depression and went out of remission with the MS. Thanks to God, once again, I got help and counseling for the sex abuse. A psychologist did a type of timeline therapy on me, for FREE, in order to help me heal from the past abuse. Unfortunately, before I began counseling, I went back to my Abf. I was so afraid of my landlord that I had to run. So...that is how I ended up back here. You may be thinking, "How could she be afraid of an 85 year old man?" It wasn't actually HIM that I was afraid of, it was the repressed memories of the little girl in me that had been abused by an elderly relative.
I DO know that God doesn't want me in an abusive relationship. He got me out of here once before, and I'm sure that he will open a door for me again. I truly believe that we learn lessons from all our experiences. I came through the depression and I am much stronger now. I don't regret moving in beside the elderly gentleman because it forced me to open up about what had happened to me as a child. Perhaps that abuse is what caused me to make such poor choices in my relationships. Perhaps I felt like I didn't deserve to be treated well.
I don't hate my b/f because he mistreats me. I know that he was physically abused as a child, so he doesn't know how to treat people. I believe that we are all products of our environment, and we learn what we live. My b/f has suffered too, BUT I do not want to suffer anymore because of it.
Reading your replies to this thread made me feel very loved and cared for. I haven't felt that for a long, long time.
Thank you ALL!
God Bless
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ohhhh I have to beg to differ on that one.
I have to agree with not hating him, there has to be a degree of compassion but saying he is a product of his environment.... Well that is what I have an issue with. We know, we see what is available... we can either choose to stay in the mold that we grew up in or we can choose to get help. Being raised in a abusive environment is not an excuse to be abusive IMHO.
You will be given a open door again as long as your looking for one. Keep taking care of you and dont let the environment get you down.... just keep your eyes on the peace and senerity at the end of the tunnel and keep one foot in front of the other.
I have to agree with not hating him, there has to be a degree of compassion but saying he is a product of his environment.... Well that is what I have an issue with. We know, we see what is available... we can either choose to stay in the mold that we grew up in or we can choose to get help. Being raised in a abusive environment is not an excuse to be abusive IMHO.
You will be given a open door again as long as your looking for one. Keep taking care of you and dont let the environment get you down.... just keep your eyes on the peace and senerity at the end of the tunnel and keep one foot in front of the other.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi Grace,
There is no excuse for your BF,he is choosing to remain where he is because it still works for him. He's got you doing everything and he can kick you around like a dog so he feels in control and powerful.
Again,
1. Womens Shelter
2. Disability for M.S
3. Section 8 for your housing needs.
You kicked your cancer which is fantastic. Unfortunately if you choose to keep living in this horrible situation you are definitely increasing the chances of a relapse.
Are you punishing yourself for being abused as a child?
Ngaire
There is no excuse for your BF,he is choosing to remain where he is because it still works for him. He's got you doing everything and he can kick you around like a dog so he feels in control and powerful.
Again,
1. Womens Shelter
2. Disability for M.S
3. Section 8 for your housing needs.
You kicked your cancer which is fantastic. Unfortunately if you choose to keep living in this horrible situation you are definitely increasing the chances of a relapse.
Are you punishing yourself for being abused as a child?
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
P.S.S If you are punishing yourself for being abused as a child you can CHOOSE to stop anytime.
You are a worthy person definitely deserving of love from other human beings.
I'd be interested to hear about your cancer treatments.
Ngaire
You are a worthy person definitely deserving of love from other human beings.
I'd be interested to hear about your cancer treatments.
Ngaire
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