kipper

Hi,
I am recently engaged to my boyfriend of almost 5 years. Tonight he told me that he is an alcoholic. I had no idea, and that makes me feel so stupid. He says this has been going on the entire time we have been together. We do not live together.

When we first started dating he got passed out drunk twice in the first 6 months and both times I considered calling an ambulance because he was throwing up on himself but totally incoherent. After this happened I told him it was hard liquor or me. So I guess I thought he chose me. I knew he still drank beer and wine but I have not seen him get drunk since I gave him the ultimatum. Maybe a little tipsy but not like before. He told me tonight that he drinks 1/3 to 1/2 a bottle of whiskey a night(the really big jugs of it). Sometimes when I have wanted to spend the night at the last minute he acted pissed and said I should just go home and now I know why.

He has been failing out of college for the last 2 years. He starts and then drops classes halfway through and loses all his money. I feel like such an idiot that I did not realize this, and no I was not in denial. I have alcoholics in my family that I have put into treatment and I don't drink.

So I could go on and on but I guess I am just here looking for support(I found this site through google) and also advice. I feel like the last 5 years we had together were a lie. I love him so much and we do have a great relationship or so I thought. Our wedding is set for next summer. Do I stick with the plans and hope he gets better(he said he is gonna start AA tomorrow and also counseling) or do we postpone the wedding and see what happens.

I just want him to get better but it is my future too
THANK YOU

CarolD

Welcome to SR!

As you already are aware of the dangers of alcoholism
due to your family members...

I strongly suggest you begin attending Al anon if you
are not doing so.

It's a long time until your wedding date.
See how things go in 6 monthsis a wise idea.

Blessings to both of you

ranae1221

I also grew up with family that had alcohol problems, and promised myself I would never allow alcohol in my life again. When I met my first boyfriend, I was so sure he was nothing like my dad. After we were married I found out how wrong I was. He got drunk one night and "admitted" to his drinking problem (when he got drunk is when he "confessed" to his many lies) I had no clue he had such a drinking problem, and unforutnatly (sp) he refused any kind of treatment or help.

Looking back, so many things make sense about him because of the drinking.

At first, I also felt like an idiot and felt so stupid for not having known better. But eventually I was able to accept that even if I had known, there wasn't anything I could have done to stop him. He had to be the one to make and want to make changes.

You are not stupid or an idiot!

Know that you are not alone, you have found a wonderful place of support and understanding.

prodigal

The fact that he was hiding his drinking from you and deceiving you does point to the conclusion that the past five years have been a lie - at least as far as the drinking goes. However, his drinking has and will hurt your relationship, your trust in him, and just about anything else you can think of. This is very, very serious stuff you are dealing with. If he goes to A.A., gets counseling, and sincerely starts working a program, then I would say continue with your wedding plans with caution. Just as marriage should be a lifetime commitment, so should sobriety be the same lifetime commitment for an alcoholic.

Going to A.A. is a step in the right direction, but given the amount of alcohol your fiance drinks, if he goes cold turkey the chances are he could have severe withdrawal symptoms. Trust me, I've seen alcoholics try to go it alone, and it is really scary. Withdrawal from alcohol requires the assistance of a doctor in a detox facility. Without it, he runs the risk of seizures, the d.t.'s, and who knows what else.

I hope his promise to attend A.A. and see a counselor are sincere. Give it a couple months. See if he follows through on his promises. If he doesn't, and you still decide to marry him, be prepared to go through hell and back. Marrying an addict is a mistake. Period.

ASpouse

Yes, postpone the wedding and see how he does. Remember AA & couselling is not a cure. He can relapse at any time, may be 5 years, maybe 10, maybe 30 or he may not at all. These programs only work if he works them.

If you wait 6 months, and make plans and pay for all those plans and he doesn't start with recovery, then that is money just thrown away. This is one time I don't agree with Clancy, sorry my friend! (hugs)

Kudos to him for telling you though, now lets see if his actions do what his words say.

pmaslan

Welcome to SR, very glad you found us (thank god for google.)

How are the members in your family doing in their recovery?
What have you learnt from that experiece?
Your current relationship has been based on lies IMHO.
I personally would have a hard time starting a life with
someone who thought so little of me as to lie to me for 5 years.
I think postponing the wedding is in your best interest.
If he gets help and sober you can always marry at a later date.
This is serious stuff, Aspouse pointed out this is a lifetime issue.
Relapse can happen at anytime....the demon is always waiting
for the opportunity to resurface if one isn't careful.
Are you prepared to live the rest of your life like this?
Something to really think about.

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... we are glad that you found us even if the sistuation causing it does suck.

Ouch, Im sorry this is happening to you, but better he came forward now then after being married. That seems like alot of Alcohol for someone to go cold and not need help.... I would question the health issues and if perhaps he might need some medical attention.

SO... back to what is important...YOU.

You said you have family history of alcoholism... can you give a bit of history about that??? I used theraphy and Ala-non to help me try to understand the effects of this disease and my part in it. Unfortunally there is no "cure" for it and as pointed out there is recovery but that can always change. There is no guarentee that he will stay sober, of course there are no guarentees in life either. The question that I would ask when considering marriage is.....

Do/Can you live with him just the way he is today without changing him???

If the answer to that is no, you might want to rethink your future plans... you can threaten him all you want but its not going to change anything, he has to want soberity for himself and it is a life time committment.... You also have to know that his soberity will ALWAYS come first in his life if he chooses to be sober... that is the only way he can stay sober.

Please keep posting and letting us get to know you... you have found such a huge support system here from people that REALLY do understand and have been there. No matter what you decide to do we are here to help and listen.

meli2005

Don't make a decision about teh wedding now, it's a ways off, you have some time. See what happens, etc. But you need to set boundaries, he needs to be in some type of recovery before you marry him, etc.

I am sure this is a shock. Lots of alcoholics hide their problem or minimize it so others do not know how bad it is .

Keep coming to the forum. I think Alanon would be a good idea. Counseling for you too. Try to find an addictions counselor if at all possible, they understand more about alcohol than other counselors.

mk9903

Hello, I am new here too. I wish I had some advice for you. I recently posted on here because I do not know what to do myself.
All I can tell you is my experience so far.
When I became involved with my husband, I knew he was a big drinker. I drank quite a bit myself. I supposed it was the irresponsible, party mode that I was in at that time. I knew that my drinking was different than his. I knew when to stop. He contiunued to drink huge amounts of liquor. Now, looking back it seems that the little voice that tells you when you've had enough to drink... didn't kick in for him! I didn't understand. I wasn't around alcoholism growing up.
Further down the road, I became pregnant and I married him.
If I had a chance to go back and change my decision, I would.
I would have waited. It is not easy for me to deal with his alcoholism, and now that we have children, I am constantly worried for everyone.
Sometimes I feel very guilty. Sometimes I feel ashamed. Sometimes I feel stupid. Sometimes I feel undermined and unappreciated. Sometimes I feel a bunch of things!!!! The hardest thing for me to accept is that I blame me.
I truly want to be happy and feel good. I know I love my husband, but I hate his drinking. I know he loves me, but sometimes I think he loves alcohol more.
I'm not telling you this to discourage you. Only you can make your choice. Every situation is not the same. Please think it through carefully.

kipper

Thanks so much to everyone that has posted. I feel so grateful for this site. I didn't sleep last night and cried the entire time while reading through this site. Today I look 50 instead of 24. My mom saw me this morning and asked what happened to me. I lied and said I couldn't sleep last night and my allergies are bad. I want to tell her(we are very close) but he has asked me not to talk to anyone about this yet. I need someone to cry to. I called my local AA hotline this morning and there is an al anon meeting for families of alcoholics tonight that I am going to attend and at least I can talk to these people.

Our engagement photo shoot was scheduled for Saturday and I just emailed the photographer to cancel. I called fiance to tell him and he didn't really say much. I just feel that I would be pretending in the photos and I don't want pictures like that to look at for many years. I told him if things improve we can do them in a few months. And on Sunday I am going on vacation with my mom, sister and aunt and we were going to spend one day wedding dress shopping. Now I don't want to. What do I tell them? Do I go along and pretend? How do I get around this. I don't want this vacation to be all about me and my problems and turn into this sad event.

As far as my family goes, my grandma is a prescription drug addicted alcoholic and has been ever since my mom was little. I have no idea how she hasn't killed herself. We put her into treatment twice. The first time I was really young. She relapsed after about 6 months. Again 6 years ago we did an intervention. She left rehab the next day and disowned most of the family(except the other 2 alcoholics). About 3 months ago we finally started talkihg again. She only has a few years left. We completely act like everything is ok. I just am so sick of dealing with all her drama, so I talk to her about 2 times a month and see her once a month but never in a situation where she can drink in front of me. My uncle had been sober for 7 years so I am thinking of calling him for support tonight. He is amazing. I have another uncle and an aunt who i don't see or speak to because of thier addictions.

I never saw signs in my fiance until last night when he told me and I layed up all night thinking of all the things that have happened that I should have realized. Failing out of school more than once, making plans with me for early morning and not showing up, smelling like booze or garlic in the morning and him telling me he had onions or garlic the day before(this seems so obvious now but I totally believed him), high blood prssure, never remembering his dreams, terrible social skills(he drinks alone in his room late at night), turning down offers to do things with family and friends, Never wanting me to be alone in his room, not communicating with me etc etc etc. I feel foolish for not figuring this out. He even said he thought that I knew but was just denying it to myself.

I do think the wedding should be put on hold but what do we tell all of our friends and family?

This feels so hopeless

LaTeeDa

I think it is very wise of you to slow down and see what happens. Tell them just what you said--My fiance and I have decided to postpone the wedding. (Or put it on hold, or however you want to say it.) You are not required to give an explanation. If they ask why, simply tell them that it is between you and your fiance.

L

Cynay

*hugs*

Sweetie... you dont "have" to tell them anything. Just tell them that the two of you have decided to wait. If you dont want them to know more then leave it at that... it is not there business. Same with dress shopping, that you are not sure when the date will be and dont want to waste time looking at dresses when you could be enjoying the families company.

Dont beat yourself up so much for not noticeing.... they are very good at covering things up and lying... its the nature of the disease. You said he did not want you talking to anyone???? that is a red flag to me for his recovery and I do know that Alcoholics like to isolate there enablers... just something to think about.

Im glad that you are going to an Al-anon meeting, you will find alot of support and encouragement there. Remember if this one is not a good fit dont give up there are many meetings... and this is all about you to help you... not about him. Seems you have alot of experience with addiction in your family and the chaos/drama and heartaches it can be... but too you do have a sucess story in your uncle.

That is what you need to keep in mine, what do you want for a life partner and how much are you willing to put into the relationship..... There is nothing wrong one way or the other in choosing to live a life with or without an alcoholic. Just make sure that whatever your decisions are ... they are informed ones and based off his actions and not his words.

Just have to decide what it is you ... YOU.... want.

prodigal

Tell your friends and family that for the time being your wedding is on hold. If they ask why, tell them it is a very personal situation that must be dealt with and you cannot confide in them at this time. From the way you describe his behaviors, I'm surprised none of the addicts or recovering addicts in your family didn't pick up on his problem already. Of course, since he's the type of drinker who isolates himself, perhaps nobody saw him other than when he was straight.

Perhaps you should discuss with him that this needs to come out in the open because eventually everyone will know if he enters treatment. I think right now you have to see if he seeks help and really starts working a program. A.A. requires that he be honest and accountable for his actions. At that point, he will be able to admit to himself and others that he is an alcoholic.

minnie

Welcome, Kipper.

You've got some really good advice in the posts above. I'd just like to add a little from my own experience. I was engaged to an alcoholic. I had the ring, got all the brochures for the reception and even been with my Mum to try on dresses. (She cried, and so did I, but not for the same reasons.) I started to drag my feet on making decisions, so my family knew something wasn't quite right. After a while, my Mum asked me what was up - I simply said that I am not sure about marrying him. You know what, that's all I needed to say at that time. My parents certainly didn't want me to get married if I wasn't sure. Why would your family be any different? You can say as much or as little as you like - it's your life, not theirs.

You know, the bottom line for me was that I couldn't imagine walking down the aisle to meet him at the altar. Well, I could imagine going to the ceremony, but I would have run.

This is a decision that will change the course of your life. Make it wisely.

elizabeth1979

Hi Kipper and welcome!
Learning that I did not have to explain or justify my logic to others around me, when making decisions for MY LIFE was instrumental in my healing.

Glad you are here!

pmaslan

Sarah...I do believe you are getting smarter everyday.....
Loved what you wrote.

nocellphone

I'd never heard it put that way before, but how right you are!!! Thanks, Cynay!



Kipper...

Denial is a major component of the disease of alcoholism, one that I suffer from despite not being an alcoholic myself. It's that part of me that blinds me to what is right in front of me. It's what prevents me, through no fault of my own, from seeing the glaring truth. Denial doesn't make me stupid, it makes me in need of recovery.

The best thing about denial is that, when it does finally lift, it tends to stay gone... as long as I'm vigilant and keep my focus where it needs to be: on myself. I've learned how to keep my focus steady through my experiences in Al-Anon.

I know you'll find the answers that work for you...