Negativity
Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 131
Negativity
Hello all.
This thread is something I can't help but put up here. I feel like you all are my confidants, and I feel safe and secure with myself here. I know I can let out the good and the bad, and there will be people to support me.
I have been doing so well lately. I feel consistently good. I have started reading the NA Book, I have gone to a meeting, I feel better about myself and my life than I ever have. BUT there is a force that fights against me. I've been able to fight back for some time now, but I cannot any longer. The force is my BF, who I live with.
I don't want to go into all the messy details, so here is an attempt at a short version... I am finally moving on from a very negative stage in my life, onward toward finding myself and who I am as a person. He does not understand. He is pushing me so far, using manipulating words and body language that just kills me, and my mind. I have finally realized recently how manipulated I have been, after a whole year of this. He is a very miserable man, angry, hateful, codependent, and stubborn toward everything he doesn't believe to be true. Closed-minded to the core.
I've been successful these recent days with avoiding his black hole and maintaining my good spirits, but I have HAD it. Since last May, he has thrown everything in his mind and soul on me, giving me all of his problems to shoulder in addition to my own... he has Bipolar I, and is very unpredictable in mood/behavior/etc. all the time. Last night he completely destroyed my good mood by filling my head with every negative thing he is dealing with. And everything has to do with me! He hurts because of me, he feels bad about himself because of me... it's all because of me. (This is a conflict we go through at least a few times a week, if not more.) No matter how I try, he doesn't get it. He needs to fix himself, and I can't do it. He's avoiding himself and his demons (he's had a very rough past, no contact with family, no real friends...). I tell him he needs to work on HIMSELF without me in the equation. But he thinks I am wrong. I have told him I am just finding myself now, and I need to do that by myself, he can't help me, but he refuses to accept that this concept even exists. He thinks he should be involved in everything, smothering me more and more... AHH!
And you will all hate him for this one, because I DO... I was excited because I realized there was a women's meeting at the NA place I attended my first meeting, and he said "Just what you need, more estrogen." And I asked him why he was so against me going to meetings or having women friends... of course he said he was joking about the estrogen thing. And I asked him again, and I pointed out that he does express opposition to my meetings through his body language, short comments, etc. Then he says this: "I don't care that you want to go to meetings. I support you getting better. I just don't like you in that environment. They are all 'narckies' there, and they are not good for you." So I said, "Hey, you can just throw me in with them then, because I am an addict, or a 'narcky' as you say. I am just like them. I am them." Do you believe his nerve? Oh, I wanted to hit him so bad and knock some sense into him. He's afraid of the stereotypical addict, an awful person that apparently is some people's perception. Well, whoever the "addict" is, it IS ME.
I have had it. I cannot possibly survive in this environment.
Sorry, just needed to vent. (There's so much more, but I have no more neregy or willpower to write it; it's too sad.) I know what I need to do. I just have to do it. Last night and this morning (another "negativity party") have pushed me from almost-sure to 100% positive. He goes or I go. (We live in a house together.)
OK, sorry all... I guess I just let my positivity and strength get crushed by him and his negativity. I think it's infectious... and I broke down and caught the disease today. I am trying extra hard to get out of this funk today, to not let it make me feel like doing something stupid that could jeopardize my recovery. So far so good. But it sucks trying to climb out from underneath someone's dark clouds.
I have to make changes, now. I have allowed myself to regress for long enough. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM. I have to keep that sentence in the front of my head at all times.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for listening, whoever actually made it through this whole post.
I love you all. Thanks for the ability to post my thoughts/frustrations. I feel better already.
Best wishes to you all, and POSITIVITY despite any problems!
Jennifer
This thread is something I can't help but put up here. I feel like you all are my confidants, and I feel safe and secure with myself here. I know I can let out the good and the bad, and there will be people to support me.
I have been doing so well lately. I feel consistently good. I have started reading the NA Book, I have gone to a meeting, I feel better about myself and my life than I ever have. BUT there is a force that fights against me. I've been able to fight back for some time now, but I cannot any longer. The force is my BF, who I live with.
I don't want to go into all the messy details, so here is an attempt at a short version... I am finally moving on from a very negative stage in my life, onward toward finding myself and who I am as a person. He does not understand. He is pushing me so far, using manipulating words and body language that just kills me, and my mind. I have finally realized recently how manipulated I have been, after a whole year of this. He is a very miserable man, angry, hateful, codependent, and stubborn toward everything he doesn't believe to be true. Closed-minded to the core.
I've been successful these recent days with avoiding his black hole and maintaining my good spirits, but I have HAD it. Since last May, he has thrown everything in his mind and soul on me, giving me all of his problems to shoulder in addition to my own... he has Bipolar I, and is very unpredictable in mood/behavior/etc. all the time. Last night he completely destroyed my good mood by filling my head with every negative thing he is dealing with. And everything has to do with me! He hurts because of me, he feels bad about himself because of me... it's all because of me. (This is a conflict we go through at least a few times a week, if not more.) No matter how I try, he doesn't get it. He needs to fix himself, and I can't do it. He's avoiding himself and his demons (he's had a very rough past, no contact with family, no real friends...). I tell him he needs to work on HIMSELF without me in the equation. But he thinks I am wrong. I have told him I am just finding myself now, and I need to do that by myself, he can't help me, but he refuses to accept that this concept even exists. He thinks he should be involved in everything, smothering me more and more... AHH!
And you will all hate him for this one, because I DO... I was excited because I realized there was a women's meeting at the NA place I attended my first meeting, and he said "Just what you need, more estrogen." And I asked him why he was so against me going to meetings or having women friends... of course he said he was joking about the estrogen thing. And I asked him again, and I pointed out that he does express opposition to my meetings through his body language, short comments, etc. Then he says this: "I don't care that you want to go to meetings. I support you getting better. I just don't like you in that environment. They are all 'narckies' there, and they are not good for you." So I said, "Hey, you can just throw me in with them then, because I am an addict, or a 'narcky' as you say. I am just like them. I am them." Do you believe his nerve? Oh, I wanted to hit him so bad and knock some sense into him. He's afraid of the stereotypical addict, an awful person that apparently is some people's perception. Well, whoever the "addict" is, it IS ME.
I have had it. I cannot possibly survive in this environment.
Sorry, just needed to vent. (There's so much more, but I have no more neregy or willpower to write it; it's too sad.) I know what I need to do. I just have to do it. Last night and this morning (another "negativity party") have pushed me from almost-sure to 100% positive. He goes or I go. (We live in a house together.)
OK, sorry all... I guess I just let my positivity and strength get crushed by him and his negativity. I think it's infectious... and I broke down and caught the disease today. I am trying extra hard to get out of this funk today, to not let it make me feel like doing something stupid that could jeopardize my recovery. So far so good. But it sucks trying to climb out from underneath someone's dark clouds.
I have to make changes, now. I have allowed myself to regress for long enough. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM. I have to keep that sentence in the front of my head at all times.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for listening, whoever actually made it through this whole post.
I love you all. Thanks for the ability to post my thoughts/frustrations. I feel better already.
Best wishes to you all, and POSITIVITY despite any problems!
Jennifer
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: BK, NY
Posts: 41
You should be very proud of yourself for your bravery. Some helpful quotations from The Alchemist, "It is said that the darkest hour of the night comes just before the dawn" and "Whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it." Keep the faith, and you will be rewarded! Love and Light!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Big Woods
Posts: 521
Hi Jen,
Well you know I can relate as my home situation is remarkably similar. Difference being it took me years longer than you to recognize it, and complicating matters further, I married into it. I share this with you what I'm learning with hope to offer some outside perspective. That no-one has the right nor the power to coerce or otherwise convince one's own spirit to do, act, or be anything other than who it wants to be. Environment, circumstances, upbringing, life experiences, history of addiction, physical disease, none of it dissuades the intact spirit. That said, people can and oftentimes do become separated from their own spirit, because they allow things or people or possessions or drugs or attitude to get in the way, putting up a barrier between their mind and spirit, blocking the view, blinding them.
Knock down those walls and free yourself from being trapped inside. We don't have to be held captive, surely not by others, nor by our own best thinking.
Vic (bless his heart) started a thread at the NA forum, "What is your opinion about principles before personalities". Worth reading in its entirety, to be sure. I take an except from it because it so directly applies here:
You are reading from the book:
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
Property Lines
A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them, too. Not us.
People's hope and dreams are their property. Their guilt belong to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Their choices are their property, not ours. What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities.
Gather your courage and strength of those who support you, and DO what you need to do. Keep and open mind, focus on the positive spirit that thrives within you (oh yes it does, I've seen it!), and know we're here listening and thinking of you as you proceed.
Negativity be damned! (oops, is that a negative?
)
Well you know I can relate as my home situation is remarkably similar. Difference being it took me years longer than you to recognize it, and complicating matters further, I married into it. I share this with you what I'm learning with hope to offer some outside perspective. That no-one has the right nor the power to coerce or otherwise convince one's own spirit to do, act, or be anything other than who it wants to be. Environment, circumstances, upbringing, life experiences, history of addiction, physical disease, none of it dissuades the intact spirit. That said, people can and oftentimes do become separated from their own spirit, because they allow things or people or possessions or drugs or attitude to get in the way, putting up a barrier between their mind and spirit, blocking the view, blinding them.
Knock down those walls and free yourself from being trapped inside. We don't have to be held captive, surely not by others, nor by our own best thinking.
Vic (bless his heart) started a thread at the NA forum, "What is your opinion about principles before personalities". Worth reading in its entirety, to be sure. I take an except from it because it so directly applies here:
You are reading from the book:
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
Property Lines
A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them, too. Not us.
People's hope and dreams are their property. Their guilt belong to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Their choices are their property, not ours. What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities.
Originally Posted by temlin3
I have had it. I cannot possibly survive in this environment.
I have to make changes, now. I have allowed myself to regress for long enough. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM. I have to keep that sentence in the front of my head at all times.
I have to make changes, now. I have allowed myself to regress for long enough. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM. I have to keep that sentence in the front of my head at all times.
Negativity be damned! (oops, is that a negative?
)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 491
It is also as if he is afraid for you to do anything without him, like he doesn't want to be left out so he breaks you down so that you think he is the only one who culd ever be there or help you in any way. He seems very controlling as well. He actually needs to see someone about his BiPolar and get treatment for it. Anyway, that is not up to you though, you have yourself to take care of and that is exactly what you should do even if it means leaving. He just doesn't seem to respect you or your thoughts or opinions and that is just not fair to you! Do what you need to do for YOU!!!
GP
GP
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
It is totally acceptable to let your significant other know that YOU do not wish to spend the rest of your life surrounded by negativity. You are clean, sober and your cup is half full NOT half empty.
Things change when we clean up.. It's never too late and we're never too old to make a change for the better. Lay it on the table with him.
My guy can also steep himself in negativity... maybe that's why he chose me, an active drunk and druggie. I can't help it that I have changed... I've given myself a new life, actually another whole different life. I have beaten some major demons and I feel G-O-O-D! I stay away from name calling now but I let him know over and over again that I can't live with his emotions and wtf is wrong with being more positive anyway? Is it gonna kill him to not automatically think the worse about everything? He now understands I will leave him if he can't change.
He was going to leave me if I didn't get sober... well, now the tables have been turned.
Things change when we clean up.. It's never too late and we're never too old to make a change for the better. Lay it on the table with him.
My guy can also steep himself in negativity... maybe that's why he chose me, an active drunk and druggie. I can't help it that I have changed... I've given myself a new life, actually another whole different life. I have beaten some major demons and I feel G-O-O-D! I stay away from name calling now but I let him know over and over again that I can't live with his emotions and wtf is wrong with being more positive anyway? Is it gonna kill him to not automatically think the worse about everything? He now understands I will leave him if he can't change.
He was going to leave me if I didn't get sober... well, now the tables have been turned.
Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 131
Getting There
Thank you all for the support and kind words. I am feeling much better than I did. Although it's tough to ignore someone who cries like a baby and pathetically projects so much negativity... I am doing better every day. I greatly appreciate all of your replies. You have all helped me be strong in this difficult time. It's really true: When I am being strong and standing up for myself, I feel a little bad for him; but then I remember all the words here and from my mother, and I stick to my guns. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Last night the %$*# hit the fan. I think he's finally getting it. Well, at least he understands I don't want to be here in this situation. He says he is going to move out when he has the money to do it. He is still refusing to believe I need to be alone to fix myself and become who I am. He thinks it is wrong. He refuses that he needs to be alone so he can remove codependence in his life. He still doesn't understand what I say to him. It's like his mind won't accept any incoming info. BUT, it's not my problem. It's not my problem.
I am learning, and I hope to be writing about my new home life very soon. This is going to be a bumpy ride, but the ending is worth all the struggle!
Take care,
Jennifer
P.S. I am so inspired by what I've read on here from that book, "The Language of Letting Go," that I bought it last night! Thanks for introducing me to it. It's so perceptive and helpful to me.
Last night the %$*# hit the fan. I think he's finally getting it. Well, at least he understands I don't want to be here in this situation. He says he is going to move out when he has the money to do it. He is still refusing to believe I need to be alone to fix myself and become who I am. He thinks it is wrong. He refuses that he needs to be alone so he can remove codependence in his life. He still doesn't understand what I say to him. It's like his mind won't accept any incoming info. BUT, it's not my problem. It's not my problem.
I am learning, and I hope to be writing about my new home life very soon. This is going to be a bumpy ride, but the ending is worth all the struggle!
Take care,
Jennifer
P.S. I am so inspired by what I've read on here from that book, "The Language of Letting Go," that I bought it last night! Thanks for introducing me to it. It's so perceptive and helpful to me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: windsor, ontario, canada
Posts: 201
Well. Thanks for the book tips. Yesterday when i checked in i was full of positivity for everyone else but not feeling it for me, hence my post, Jennifer, that i believe you responded to. Which is ironic how we can give really good advice to everyone but ourselves.
I am happy that you know what you want and i wish you the best in achieving it.
I am happy that you know what you want and i wish you the best in achieving it.
Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 131
"Walk Away"
Hello all.
I listen to most of Ben Harper's music, and one song in particular hits the spot so hard on this topic. If you can get your hands on it, I would definitely listen to this song. It's beautiful in lyrics and sound. (And he's got a lot of other music that is wonderful... in my opinion.)
I've heard this song a million times, and now it has new meaning to me. (Not every word, but a lot of it.)
Take care everyone.
Jennifer
"Walk Away"
Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.
With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.
We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.
— Ben Harper
I listen to most of Ben Harper's music, and one song in particular hits the spot so hard on this topic. If you can get your hands on it, I would definitely listen to this song. It's beautiful in lyrics and sound. (And he's got a lot of other music that is wonderful... in my opinion.
)I've heard this song a million times, and now it has new meaning to me. (Not every word, but a lot of it.)
Take care everyone.
Jennifer
"Walk Away"
Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.
With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.
We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.
— Ben Harper
Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 131
Originally Posted by mertyl
Well. Thanks for the book tips. Yesterday when i checked in i was full of positivity for everyone else but not feeling it for me, hence my post, Jennifer, that i believe you responded to. Which is ironic how we can give really good advice to everyone but ourselves.
I am happy that you know what you want and i wish you the best in achieving it.
I am happy that you know what you want and i wish you the best in achieving it.
Thanks so much for your kind words. I know what you mean about saying things and having trouble applying them to yourself. It's the words on here from you all and the support of my mother that has inspired me to make changes. I have known so much for so long, yet I failed to act. Sometimes the outside, objective perspective is the best one. It gives us the extra inner strength to do what we either fear or can't do alone. It's true, outside support is essential.
I hope you're doing well. Sending positive thoughts and praying for your inner strength.
Best wishes,
Jennifer
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Big Woods
Posts: 521
Changes can be so hard, especially when we're not FORCED to make them. Far better to make necessary changes of your own free will than to wait until something collapses or otherwise dictates to you the outcome. You have more choices in directing your life as you choose when YOU are moving forward, acting in your own best interest. That which changes, adapts and grows. That which does not adapt, perishes. I wish you well in these postitive changes you're making in your life. With beautiful music to accompany you!
Naps are good.
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 181
I hope you are able to move on away from this guy. I wish you the best; it does take so much courage to stick up for yourself when someone else is trying to bring you down. He does sound manipulative, and possibly even emotionally abusive. If you really love him and he is willing to get help, then maybe it could work.... but if not, then run girl run! :smileeek:
And then you'll have to change your little emoticon of the two smiley faces where the one is kicking the other's butt where you put "me & me." You gotta be extra good to yourself while you are going through this, because if you do decide to leave him he might get even uglier with his words. But don't listen to him if he does. Keep following your heart! (knock some sense into that boy).
(him & you ) LOL!
And then you'll have to change your little emoticon of the two smiley faces where the one is kicking the other's butt where you put "me & me." You gotta be extra good to yourself while you are going through this, because if you do decide to leave him he might get even uglier with his words. But don't listen to him if he does. Keep following your heart! (knock some sense into that boy).
(him & you ) LOL!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
Hi Jen, bottom line, value yourself, no one else will do it for you. You obviously realize that you have not been doing that and you are right, you will not be successful unless you start to value yourself. Part of valuing yoursel is to love yourself. That also means not allowing those around you to abuse you. If their actions are causing you pain, you will have to either demand they change their actions and stick with it until they do, or you will have to have them out of your life.
I am proud of you and I am impressed with your courage. Keep the faith in your change and remember, "Hope springs eternal!"
Peace, Levi
I am proud of you and I am impressed with your courage. Keep the faith in your change and remember, "Hope springs eternal!"
Peace, Levi
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Hey, Jennifer. I am so PROUD of you. Thanks for sharing your pain and your struggles and your insirations. You truly are making a better life for yourself.
Ben Harper fan here, too. Love the song. Thanks!
Ben Harper fan here, too. Love the song. Thanks!
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