redhot78

Hi, I'm new to this forum and thankful to have found it. I hope someone can help me with my dilemma. After 22 years of marriage, I just can't take it anymore. My husband is an alcoholic who is drunk every night (and on days off all day) and verbally abusive. We have been through rehab multiple times, and nothing is changing. The situation has become increasingly worse the last 6 years and is now unbearable. I am a faithful member of Alanon, I work my program and have done my best, but this has to end. Our children are 18 and 21. The house we live in belongs to my mother and is ultimately my inheritance (it is in a life estate). My husband is employed, while I am a homemaker who is enrolled in college full time.

My husband has also been diagnosed as being bipolar, although he no longer takes medication for it through his choice. He is very emotionally unstable. I know if I tell him I am filing for divorce (he has known I want a divorce for a long time but I've never done anything) he will go off the deep end. Whenever he is extremely emotionally upset, he doesn't go to work and stays in bed drunk for days at a time, this has happened several times in the last year. I can't face enduring that again.

Sorry this post is so long. What would the consequences be if I packed his things and changed the locks while he isn't home, and THEN told him I've filed for divorce? He has a job, money, and even owns an RV he can live in temporarily. My lawyer told me that the judge might not "look favorably" on my doing this, but it's not like he would be homeless. I truly can't go through another emotional meltdown of his, and I have no where else to go. Besides, this is my mother's house, why should I leave?

Any advice? Has anyone else had to throw out their spouse? I truly appreciate your help.

Thanks,
Redhot

StandingStrong

I'm sure that more well-informed members will come along shortly to direct you in the correct way. But I have heard it mentioned it here before that it may be the best thing to do to have the spouse served with a type of eviction letter. However, I believe that means that they would have 30 days to vacate the premises which could make it very uncomfortable for you.

Also, if he is becoming verbally abusive and downright out-of-control, call the police and have Domestic Violence charges brought towards him. He'd then have to leave the house also from my understanding.

On another thought, if you have questioned your lawyer concerning changing the locks and whatnot and he said that a judge may not look favorably on that, what did he suggest?

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, I can only imagine how hard it must be. But I am glad that you have found this site as it's helped alot of people and I'm sure that you will find alot of support and fellowship here.

mallowcup

I can see why a Judge might look on this favorably. I would tell him you are filing, have him served, as a part of the decree, you want him out. Divorces can be finalized very quickly these days. There Won't be support issues. If he quits his job or lays in bed until this divorce is final, so be it. If he acts out, call 911 and have him removed. If he even suggests suicide, call 911 and have him taken to the hospital mental health. If you are ready to make this move, go full steam ahead.

denny57

welcome, redhot

glad you are here, but sorry for what you are going through. i was with my AH for 18 years before i changed the locks. my situation was different from yours because he was out of the house at the time and got involved with someone while on a trip. i checked with an attorney first, and i think yours is giving you good advice - i was able to use the infidelity as a reason and my fear of his temper.

i like the suggestion above - ask the attorney what you can do legally. if you have to serve him, and it takes 30 days, can you stay somewhere else for those 30 days? i also might ask the attorney what you stand to lose if you go ahead and move him out yourself and change the locks. i gather his name is not on the title to the house? also, if he has a pattern of missing work, etc. can you get some proof on that?

i firmly believe there is always a way to work out what needs to be done. have you shared at a meeting to see what others have done in the same circumstances?

i'm sure others will be along to share their own experience. when i was going through this phase of it all, i upped my meetings and reached out even more. take care of yourself and keep posting.

splendra

I am in a simular dilemia. I feel very stuck and have for a while. I don't have an answer either except I to try and ignore him as much as possible.

I think I may actually end up packing his stuff one day. Cause I am really really tired of his BS.

I really like what (((Mallowcup))))) said very cut and dried way to go mallow!!!

Cynay

I dont have any advise but wanted to welcome you to SR.

The ideas above are good ones.... If he gets 30 days to move can you stay in the RV till he has to be removed? Are you worried that he will distroy things if he is there? Again what does the attorney suggest.

I had a girlfriend in a similiar situation... The house was hers and sole and seperate property but he was allowed to stay for an amount of time before having to move.... think 30 days.... anyways she was worried he would distroy all the stuff in the house or take things of value out during the 30 days SO what she did was ask a friend to move in with her for that 30 days ... it ended up he got so frustrated with the sistuation he left in a couple weeks. He was not able to pull the normal crap he would with a witness I guess.

Anyway I hope to get to know you better, stick around and remember there is always a solution.

prodigal

I'd suggest you get the opinion of another attorney. To begin with, anything in a marriage that is given to one of the spouses as a gift, inheritance, or through an estate or by probate because the donor dies intestate is NEVER marital property no matter how long the couple cohabitates. That is true no regardless of what state you live in. The house you have is an inheritance. It is not a matter of throwing someone out of a tenancy-in-common situation, which occurs when a couple owns a home in joint title as a married couple.

As far as the judge not looking upon this "favorably" I can tell you it depends on the judge. You are married to an addict. You have been married to this man for more than 10 years. You have children in common. Nope, I think the attorney is off base on this one. In fact, since he has a job and you are a student seeking to better your life situation the chances are good you could get rehabilitative alimony. In Texas the maximum amount of time you can get such alimony is three years, regardless of how long you are married.

Yes, I am playing lawyer here, but I've worked for attorneys and some of them are not particularly good at giving advice regardless of their knowledge of the law. It sounds as if your guy is basing his advice on what he thinks the judge will decide. I can tell you that as many times as I've been in a courtroom, it has always depended on the particular judge, or his mood on any given day. Nobody can gage a separation/divorce/settlement agreement on looking through a crystal ball.

fartheralong

I agree with prodigal. I'm currently filing and am in TX as well and one of my brothers is a lawyer (not mine). Anyway, your house is inheritance, he can't touch it. Doesn't matter if you have both your names on it, if the insurance is in both your names or just in his. It's your house. He doesn't have a leg to stand on, or it would be very hard. Inheritance is NOT considered communal property, thus it can't be 'divided'. AH bought our home with inheritance money, thus the house is his. If he wanted, he could take it and I couldn't fight him on that. Three lawyers have told me that. BUT he dind't want it and signed it over to me. Sooooo I'd get another lawyer. The house is yours. Contents are a different matter. JMO.

HUGS, redhot. Oh, and WELCOME to SR!!! this is THE best place!

Jazzman

Welcome to SR redhot. My story is very similar to yours and at one point I was afraid to file for divorce because of the ramifications during the "limbo" period. I finally did and had her served at the house, then after a very uncomfortable 3 months she moved out. As it turned out none of my fears of vindictive behavior came true. Not to say this would be the case with you but I got all worked up about nothing.

Getting good legal advice and a willingness to tough out the final death throws of a relationship with an addict was the only choice I had. It does get better.

WantsOut

Listen, I hate to bring bad news but I was in nearly the exact situation. My mother gave me a house and now hubby and I are divorcing. I learned, much to my horror, that because we had paid the mortgage out of a joint account and comingled funds, he was entitled to part of the equity in the house. I had to beg, plead, and demand that he not make a claim to it on the grounds that he had been a terrible husband and he shouldn't take my house from me. He agreed but the papers are to be signed this week and I'm a nervous wreck that he's going to change his mind.

As for throwing him out - I was told I could not "evict" him unless I did it legally as if he was a paying tenant! I just had to endure him until he finally left. I think you're going to have to tell him you want a divorce and you want him to sleep in the RV and pray he does it.

The road you are about to travel is not easy. For a while things will look very dark. But then you will see light at the end of the tunnel and when you get to it, you will finally be free.

God bless you and good luck!

redhot78

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and warm welcome! I am reading as many past posts on this site as I can, and I'm so encouraged by your experiences and strength. I feel better today knowing (as WantsOut said) that there is a "light at the end of the tunnel."

I have let fear control my life for so long, but I believe in my heart that God is with me and that I can do this and get my life back! I've read posts from mallowcup (you are a true survivor) and many others who have endured much worse than I have and got through it.

We have a new twist in all of this that I didn't go into in my first post. Recently my AH has started having seizures. He's had 4, all differing in appearance, in the last 3 weeks. We've had EMS here twice, and he went to the emergency room with the worst one (it looked like a tonic clonic seizure). The most recent 2 were Sunday. During all of this he's had an MRI, an EEG, and an echo stress test (he's also had chest pains). The stress test came out okay, and amazingly his liver enzyme level was "only" three times the normal level. Since he vomits and has diarrhea on a daily basis, I figured cirrhosis had set in, but the doctor didn't seem concerned. We go to a neurologist on Thursday to get the results of the MRI and EEG (the CAT scan looked okay, as did the EKG). He's not supposed to be driving until we find out what is causing the seizures, so I'm driving him back and forth to work. I wasn't taking away his keys (Alanon says not to) so he sneaks off to the liquor store regularly. He's been prescribed Librium to contol the seizures, and drinks with that. He has been drinking in the mornings to stop the shaking for at least 6 months and goes through a 1.75L bottle of whiskey every 2 to 3 days. His regular doctor told us that if the MRI and EEG don't show anything, the seizures are most likely caused by alcohol withdrawal. That would only account for the worst one, which occurred at 5 am (at the hospital, his blood alcohol level was 0). With the other 3, he was drinking just like usual. EMS told me when they came out Sunday that his brain may be reacting with a seizure if he drinks more or less than he's used to. Good Lord.

Has anyone experienced this?

Thanks so much for everything....
Cheri

laurie6781

Yes Cheri.......when I finally chose to put the drink up, I ended up in the ER. I was having seizures all day.......when they started my BAC was .38 and my body was craving more alcohol.

Along with the seizures my heart kept stopping. At 4:30 that afternoon after I had been down for 28 minutes they had given up and were writing the TOD on my chart when my heart started on its own. That was my 2nd chance.

I would bet that the MRI and the EEG will show nothing. Based on what you have described as his drinking pattern, I would bet that the seizures are in fact from alcohol withdrawal of sorts.........when the BAC reaches a level lower than what the body has been used to, seizures can occur. Tht is one of the reasons you will read over and over on these boards that cold turnkey detoxing, at home, alone is not recommended.

Whether it wll wake your AH up or not is another story.

Please keep posting Cheri and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care!!!

Love and (((((to all))))),

prodigal

It sounds as if this house is titled in redhot's mother's name. It is an inheritance, and thus a gift. A gift is given without payment expected. Thus, there should not have been any mortgage payments. A gift or inheritance is considereed such because of the intent of the giver: no "consideration" (payment or performance) is expected by the recipient. Yes, commingling of funds - unless the funds can be traced precisely before they were commingled - makes the item(s) or things marital property.

Regarding seizures, my girlfriend's exAH had a major one when he drank too much. I suppose it was the result of alcohol toxicity. However, my AH was in rehab with a guy who had one on the golf course after he'd gone "cold turkey" from drinking for about a week. Since you AH is still drinking and mixing it with Librium, I think he could be in for more serious trouble. I know they'll drink to stop the shakes, but it sounds as if his drinking is not doing much to help that. I find it pretty amazing that the tests are coming back normal. I'd also question why any doctor wouldn't find chronic stomach and intestinal problems to be of major concern. Has anyone suggested an upper and lower G.I. to check out what shape his G.I. tract is in???

sunshinebluesky

i do believe there are ways to do this. someone i know who was married for almost twenty years,with the advice of a good lawyer,got a restraining order and divorce papers started all at the same time...so that he was served the r-o at least--cant remember what other papers...the same day she changed the locks.they went to the first court hearing within a few days,and he could not return without police to get what he needed.
i would think with all that drinking,seizures,verbal abuse,etc...that he would be considered a threat to himself or others.and that is supposedly all thats needed to get the r-o,or a person committed to somewhere.
and yes,there is light at the tunnel. we expected the worst when the girl i know did all this.....and though he acted (and still acts) like the usual jerk he was,he wasnt as bad as anticipated.
do your research,try a couple lawyers opinions.............and i hope for the best for you.

redhot78

Thanks, Prodigal...

I'm going to suggest the G.I. test, good idea. I'm very surprised too that all of these tests are coming back pretty normal. We'll see what the neurologist says tomorrow.

And I'm really not worried about his trying to get part of this house, just on how to get him OUT of it! But I'm very encouraged by all of you, and I'll do what ever it takes to get on with my life. It may be messy, but at least there would be an end in sight!

redhot78

Sunshinebluesky,

His thinking is more irrational every day, so a r.o. might be necessary. It's good to know there doesn't have to be actual physical abuse to get one.

Thanks so much.

redhot78

Laurie,

Last night he had the same old thing to say: I'm going to quit drinking, but I'm not going to rehab or detox - I'll just do it on my own and take the Camprol. Of course this has never worked before and I don't have any faith he can do it now. Especially with the seizure factor. He needs to accept help and commit himself to it, but that's his problem, I'm getting on with my life, FINALLY. Unless the neurologist tells us tomorrow that he has a brain tumor, he's out of here one way or another...

GingerM

You need to talk to a lawyer (maybe a different one) on how to get him out, but you should be able to serve him with 30 days notice (standard rental contract) to vacate premises, then wait out those 30 days. Once served, if he doesn't vacate, you can call the police to forcibly remove him from the premises. Then you have the 30 day notification to remove his personal effects. Since the house is not in his name, you should be able to do this all legally and above board (you may want to contact your local SPRG group for landlord/tenant rights/obligations).

Whether or not this will help you with a divorce proceeding or not is hard to say. The lawyer will have a better feel for it than I would, but if it's a choice of kicking him out or losing your sanity, I'd vote for sanity and a legal battle any day. Just my opinion for what it's worth.