deax

Do you guys ever freak out about the things you don't know? Lately I have been doing that, I guess I am still obsessing. But in realizing that I may have never known the truth about him, I worry if his actions can affect me, my health. What if he did cheat on me at some time AFTER his last HIV test (in March, which was negative, as was the previous one on November)? I never thought he would cheat on me but if I can't trust ANYTHING, maybe he could have. Or what if he was doing coke, and shared a straw with someone who had Hep C? It can be transferred that way. I can't even imagine he could have been doing crack without me knowing it, but what if he was.... All in addition to the alcohol. I've been freaking out the last few days, but not about HIM and the relationship anymore, but the negative effects this relationship could have had on me. I can't talk to him about it (the no-contact thing), and I realize there's no use anyway, but is it ok for me to trust my gut at least that I don't think he'd purposely hurt or endanger me (by cheating, for example)? Etc.

I'm so lost as to what's left that I can trust, what's reality versus what's my imagination, the line between the good side of him and the side I don't know, etc. I even had a rapid HIV test done on Friday but won't be able to relax over that for another 3 months when I do it again. That's always been a paranoia of mine and I can't believe I ever took a chance (as careful as I was) with someone witha risky history like his.

Does anyone else every worry themselves sick like this over what's unknown? Is this panic mode somewhat normal? I'm having a hard time with it, despite Al-Anon and therapy, etc.

jackson123

Well maybe you should get tested. It will set your mind at ease. As far as my ABF NOTHING surprises me anymore. Someone could tell me that he sold his body for alcohol and I wouldn't be shocked. I heard and seen it all.
Get checked. I'm sure your fine but it will make you feel better.

Lisa

michski

It's so common for us to either maximize or minimize our problems.
I do it all the time!
It just seems to be part of my process to get wound up about something before I can let it go.

Best to get the test!

StandingStrong

Obsessing and panicking will do you absolutely no good.
If you are worried about it - you get tested. And when the time comes, you have another test, and so forth.
Yes, your AH could have given you something, even unbeknownst to him. But then again, maybe he didn't. So there is no point in worrying yourself sick over something that you can't control (his past actions and the possible results of them), you simply can deal with the "now" aspect of it. Go get tested so it will relieve your mind.

Meanwhile, try repeating the Serenity Prayer.

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

robina

This is severe anxiety.

I'm not suggesting that you don't have valid concerns - it's just that sometimes we get into a state of severe and constant anxiety, which is very unhealthy for us.

One solution that has worked very well for me is working my steps and going to Al-anon. The daily Al-anon readings are very helpful to keeping my anxiety at manageable levels.

And yes, with work and time, you will learn to be calm and serene, no matter what is happening around you.

PS (in the meantime getting the test is a good idea because it will put your mind at rest)

Cynay

Yeppers I do it all the time.... For me its called spinning and if Im not careful it can blow up so bad that in the past I have been known to shut myself off in my bedroom and not want to deal with anything.

Keep working your steps.... if you had my sponsor she would have you doubling or more your meetings.... its hard to stay in you when your pulled out by others ... and remember your projecting. There is nothing you can do about "WHAT IFS" all you can do is tell yourself when it starts to get out... no rooms for rent in my head.... not for that nonsense. In time it will get better.

Its kinda like when the A has a craving I think.... maybe that is why they have the 90/90 days.... For us its the habit of thought/action and that is one of them we have to learn to change is all... not to worry you will get there, just keep doing what you are and in 3 months get the next test.

prodigal

... and those are your instincts. God gave you the ability to discern when to be vigilant and sense potential danger. No, you cannot trust him. But you CAN trust the reality of WHAT IS. Go get tested, then get re-tested in a few months. It's perfectly normal for you to be freaking out - I sure would be. But I'd sit still for a minute and realize I was given, (at least I hope!) soundness of mind, basic common sense, and the innate ability to survive. Given those attributes, I would then accept the reality of my situation and accept what I could change, and give over to my Higher Power those things not within my power to change.

P.S. - And I'd thank him (or her) for granting me the knowledge to know the difference!

mallowcup

Sometimes we think we are coping better than we really are. I thought I was just fine years ago and my girlfriend said, "here, wind my yarn, it will stop you from doing that thing you do with your hands all the time", I said, "what thing?" She said, "you know, how you wring your hands all the time". I had no idea I was doing that. All of the things you say could be true. Every moment is unknown to all of us. We can calculate out risks. I think your anxiety is representative of your inability to cope with it anymore. No one can ever just live with it the rest of their life, we think we can. It wears you down, it;s time to simplify your life, start with a clean and simple slate. You've reached your bottom.