hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: windsor, ontario, canada
Posts: 201
hello
I must say it is wonderful to be able to find this site. I have been to many others and have posted many pieces of advice. But looking at things now, i guess everything i have posted may have been subconsiouly(sorry about spelling) directed at myself.
I feel like I dont know where to start and so i guess i just put my words in the hands of something greater and see where they lead.
I am terrified to stop drinking.
It has only been 2 days but this fear consumes me, because i guess i dont know what is underneath and the feelings even after two days: tired, quiet, lethargic: will they ever go away?
I work all day and generally, even at 630 in the am, am already telling myself that i will not stop and buy beer or wine at the end of the day. On my days off, where i used to enjoy 3 cups of tim hortons coffee, i am now cracking a beer at 9 am. the whole time telling myself its not right and why the heck am i doing this when i know i will lose all motivation for the rest of the day?
I realize how much alcohol has isolated me from my friends and family and how when i am around them, i am drinking. This is not healthy.
I lost, or rather, pushed my husband, a good but boring man to the divorce court. When I say boring, i see it was because he tried to guide me down the right path. He had no addictions, except food, and i hated to be at home with him because he would "nag" if i drank everyday. we had money, possesions-i guess then it was important- but i spent so much money and still do. I pawn things, just for a bottle of wine.
My mom knows. I am sure everyone else does to but because i isolate myself so much, no one wants to rock the boat. They just accept when i am there, i will be drinking.
I have been to AA and NA and I guess each time it makes me cry and I feel ashamed and go home for a couple of days and try to change. Does this mean I am not ready?
Perhaps the latest problem I have found is this. I have been with my boyfriend now for almost two years. We met. He didnt complain in the beginning about how any activity i did needed to involve alcohol. I didnt complain that he needed to smoke weed a few times a day.
And now, I find myself asking him to cut back around me because as stupid as it sounds, if he smokes i feel validated in drinking. He may smoke 1 in front of me per day, and i wont drink at all but i feel like we are on different levels.
I know i can ask him to get help but i need to help me first. But, a few days ago, the usual happened. He came home and i was on the usual raging (which i refuse to see how its all my fault) rampage. the next day, after three hours of fighting, because i cant let it go, he pointed out how much i had consumes the day before.
And it hit me. Ok. Again. So, i apologized and told him i would never touch a drop again because unlike others i cant stop.
He then said he didnt want me to change, just not to drink so much. But he doesnt understand how hard that is, even with his own problem.
I am so mixed up. I feel alcohol clouds my brain and i dont feel like the person i used to be. My brain still works but i feel as if i am gonna wake up from a dream any minute and things will be like they used to 10 years ago, before the bottle became my best friend.
Does everyone go through anything i have just written? I came here to hopefully have a start to a successful road to being sober and using my energy for positive things.
Where do i start?
god bless
I feel like I dont know where to start and so i guess i just put my words in the hands of something greater and see where they lead.
I am terrified to stop drinking.
It has only been 2 days but this fear consumes me, because i guess i dont know what is underneath and the feelings even after two days: tired, quiet, lethargic: will they ever go away?
I work all day and generally, even at 630 in the am, am already telling myself that i will not stop and buy beer or wine at the end of the day. On my days off, where i used to enjoy 3 cups of tim hortons coffee, i am now cracking a beer at 9 am. the whole time telling myself its not right and why the heck am i doing this when i know i will lose all motivation for the rest of the day?
I realize how much alcohol has isolated me from my friends and family and how when i am around them, i am drinking. This is not healthy.
I lost, or rather, pushed my husband, a good but boring man to the divorce court. When I say boring, i see it was because he tried to guide me down the right path. He had no addictions, except food, and i hated to be at home with him because he would "nag" if i drank everyday. we had money, possesions-i guess then it was important- but i spent so much money and still do. I pawn things, just for a bottle of wine.
My mom knows. I am sure everyone else does to but because i isolate myself so much, no one wants to rock the boat. They just accept when i am there, i will be drinking.
I have been to AA and NA and I guess each time it makes me cry and I feel ashamed and go home for a couple of days and try to change. Does this mean I am not ready?
Perhaps the latest problem I have found is this. I have been with my boyfriend now for almost two years. We met. He didnt complain in the beginning about how any activity i did needed to involve alcohol. I didnt complain that he needed to smoke weed a few times a day.
And now, I find myself asking him to cut back around me because as stupid as it sounds, if he smokes i feel validated in drinking. He may smoke 1 in front of me per day, and i wont drink at all but i feel like we are on different levels.
I know i can ask him to get help but i need to help me first. But, a few days ago, the usual happened. He came home and i was on the usual raging (which i refuse to see how its all my fault) rampage. the next day, after three hours of fighting, because i cant let it go, he pointed out how much i had consumes the day before.
And it hit me. Ok. Again. So, i apologized and told him i would never touch a drop again because unlike others i cant stop.
He then said he didnt want me to change, just not to drink so much. But he doesnt understand how hard that is, even with his own problem.
I am so mixed up. I feel alcohol clouds my brain and i dont feel like the person i used to be. My brain still works but i feel as if i am gonna wake up from a dream any minute and things will be like they used to 10 years ago, before the bottle became my best friend.
Does everyone go through anything i have just written? I came here to hopefully have a start to a successful road to being sober and using my energy for positive things.
Where do i start?
god bless
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,525
Hi Mertyl, I'm glad you found this site! It was a godsend for me.
It is scary to contemplate life without alcohol, isn't it? After all, people like us actually have a relationship with it. It's not all that different from a bad relationship with a person.
If you like to read at all, a book that might resonate with you is "Drinking--A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. It's the author's memoir about her relationship with alcohol, and how she finally fought her way out of it. That book literally changed my life--it was a real page-turner, and I remember the entire time I was reading it thinking, "This woman has been in MY brain! She thinks exactly like I do!"
I hope you stick around here--it seems like weekends are kinda slow on the site, but more folks will be along soon to get to know you.
Take care, and be gentle with yourself.
--Jane
It is scary to contemplate life without alcohol, isn't it? After all, people like us actually have a relationship with it. It's not all that different from a bad relationship with a person.
If you like to read at all, a book that might resonate with you is "Drinking--A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. It's the author's memoir about her relationship with alcohol, and how she finally fought her way out of it. That book literally changed my life--it was a real page-turner, and I remember the entire time I was reading it thinking, "This woman has been in MY brain! She thinks exactly like I do!"
I hope you stick around here--it seems like weekends are kinda slow on the site, but more folks will be along soon to get to know you.
Take care, and be gentle with yourself.
--Jane
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by mertyl
Where do i start?
Welcome to SR, mertyl. God bless you, too, for that post and for where you are in your life. There is hope. There is a way out. There is a solution. I personally found it in the rooms of AA. I kept hitting bottom after bottom. The day I hit surrender - as in, I can't do this anymore, was the day I was able to walk into an AA meeting, grab ahold of what the program offered (freedom) and keep coming back.
There are lots of ways to recover. The most important thing is to know that you can do it. Put the drink down, don't pick it back up 5 minutes, one hour and one day at a time.
Keep reaching out and sharing. Glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 859
Welcome to SR!!
You have found a great place. I can relate to a TON of what you wrote. I am an addict/alcoholic. I havent used in 2 years but I have only been sober from alcohol since June 11th, 2006. I originally stopped drinking for all the wrong reasons, you see, my Dad has COPD and smokes cigarettes. I knew in I had a drinking problem and so did my family so I made a deal with Dad that if he quit smoking, I would quit drinking.........
Well, Dad still sits and smokes his brains out (and drinks beer from about 10:00 a.m. every day.) At first I was really angery because I thought........"hey wait a minute, Im not gonna die in a few months because of my disease and I quit for HIM but HE is still smoking!!" But I hung in there anyway just because I am stubborn! Then after a few weeks, and a TON of posts here, I realized that I am doing this for ME........and yes eventually, I could die if I dont stop, be it a drunken car crash or liver disease, doesnt matter, it could happen!!!!
As for the being tired, fatigue etc, it lasted for about 2 weeks with me and still now at almost a month, I experience tiredness now and then but it does get better. Thanks for letting me babble on and on but I guess in short, (for me anyway) I had to concentrate on ME and what is best for me.
Maybe if BF would be willing to not smoke around you for awhile, and be supportive to you even if he doesnt want to quit or cut back on smoking weed, that would help. Meanwhile, stick around and post away, this place is awesome for support!
Liss
You have found a great place. I can relate to a TON of what you wrote. I am an addict/alcoholic. I havent used in 2 years but I have only been sober from alcohol since June 11th, 2006. I originally stopped drinking for all the wrong reasons, you see, my Dad has COPD and smokes cigarettes. I knew in I had a drinking problem and so did my family so I made a deal with Dad that if he quit smoking, I would quit drinking.........
Well, Dad still sits and smokes his brains out (and drinks beer from about 10:00 a.m. every day.) At first I was really angery because I thought........"hey wait a minute, Im not gonna die in a few months because of my disease and I quit for HIM but HE is still smoking!!" But I hung in there anyway just because I am stubborn! Then after a few weeks, and a TON of posts here, I realized that I am doing this for ME........and yes eventually, I could die if I dont stop, be it a drunken car crash or liver disease, doesnt matter, it could happen!!!!
As for the being tired, fatigue etc, it lasted for about 2 weeks with me and still now at almost a month, I experience tiredness now and then but it does get better. Thanks for letting me babble on and on but I guess in short, (for me anyway) I had to concentrate on ME and what is best for me.
Maybe if BF would be willing to not smoke around you for awhile, and be supportive to you even if he doesnt want to quit or cut back on smoking weed, that would help. Meanwhile, stick around and post away, this place is awesome for support!
Liss
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
I can relate to that post!! You have found a great place for support. We understand what you're facing and we will do anything to help. Keep posting and reading posts. Glad that you are joining our great SR family!
You can do this! You really can!!
The tiredness will last for a few weeks...it DOES get better though........ just take it one day at a time and be easy on yourself for a while.
There is life after alcohol and you are on your way to finding great peace. You are not alone on the journey....keep reaching out and we're here reaching right back for you!!
You can do this! You really can!!
The tiredness will last for a few weeks...it DOES get better though........ just take it one day at a time and be easy on yourself for a while.
There is life after alcohol and you are on your way to finding great peace. You are not alone on the journey....keep reaching out and we're here reaching right back for you!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: windsor, ontario, canada
Posts: 201
thank you all for the wonderful encouraging words. They all made me feel a little better and i thank you for taking the time to read and respond.
I am feeling a bit tired and would like to go read. So i will write tomorrow when i would normally have a morning beer. And i would like to repsond to each person individually but i have to figure out how still. I am pretty new to this stuff.
Wishing everyone a good sleep
god bless
I am feeling a bit tired and would like to go read. So i will write tomorrow when i would normally have a morning beer. And i would like to repsond to each person individually but i have to figure out how still. I am pretty new to this stuff.
Wishing everyone a good sleep
god bless
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Hi Mertyl,
Yep, SR is what helped me through early sobriety. The people and information here are awesome. I came here at times I would typically have a drink and posted and read instead. Now I also go to AA for suport and fellowship in sobriety. It works for me. Please stick around!
Yep, SR is what helped me through early sobriety. The people and information here are awesome. I came here at times I would typically have a drink and posted and read instead. Now I also go to AA for suport and fellowship in sobriety. It works for me. Please stick around!
Addict
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 131
Hi Mertyl,
I hope you are doing well when you read this.
We all have been through struggles like yours, and we can all understand what you're saying. Those rough times, the times a lot of us are still going through, they are terrible. The complications with relationships is also a huge thing for a lot of us. It's so difficult to figure out what is the best thing for yourself. I believe it's inside of all of us, but we have to open up and find it. I am still trying to find my way, figuring out what I need to do and how to do it in my own life. I'm an addict, plain and simple. I have several drugs of choice, but none of that is the point. It's the nature of my basic issue — addiction. I'm now 10 days sober from my last abused drug, but I am struggling to accept alcohol and prescribed drugs as other substances I have potential problems with. I am learning, and SR helps so much.
The good news is you have come to the right place! The people here you will find are caring, supportive, and inspiring for all levels and kinds of addiction. Even me, while I cannot give success stories of long sobriety, I can share myself and my story in this community. We are all helpful to each other in some way. Even when we don't have all the answers, we can be a shoulder for you to lean on.
So welcome to SR. I have found it to be a HUGE encouragement for my recovery. I can't imagine where I would be without it.
Glad to have you,
Jennifer
I hope you are doing well when you read this.
We all have been through struggles like yours, and we can all understand what you're saying. Those rough times, the times a lot of us are still going through, they are terrible. The complications with relationships is also a huge thing for a lot of us. It's so difficult to figure out what is the best thing for yourself. I believe it's inside of all of us, but we have to open up and find it. I am still trying to find my way, figuring out what I need to do and how to do it in my own life. I'm an addict, plain and simple. I have several drugs of choice, but none of that is the point. It's the nature of my basic issue — addiction. I'm now 10 days sober from my last abused drug, but I am struggling to accept alcohol and prescribed drugs as other substances I have potential problems with. I am learning, and SR helps so much.
The good news is you have come to the right place! The people here you will find are caring, supportive, and inspiring for all levels and kinds of addiction. Even me, while I cannot give success stories of long sobriety, I can share myself and my story in this community. We are all helpful to each other in some way. Even when we don't have all the answers, we can be a shoulder for you to lean on.
So welcome to SR. I have found it to be a HUGE encouragement for my recovery. I can't imagine where I would be without it.
Glad to have you,
Jennifer
Naps are good.
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 181
Hi Mertyl and welcome to SR!
I just wanted to add my 2 cents about your boyfriend and how he thinks that you just ought to be able to drink in moderation. My husband has said that to me so many times. He just doesn't understand what it feels like or what it means to actually be an alcoholic. Most people who can drink in moderation do not understand how an alcoholic feels. They can't understand. Unless they have been in Al-anon or really done their research on alcoholism, they are just not gonna get it. Also, as alcoholics, we can be very manipulative when we want to have our alcohol. We can convince others that "yeh, this time I'll really learn to drink in moderation!" Heck, how many times have we lied to ourselves and even convinced ourselves that we could drink in moderation. If we could drink in moderation (for any length of time), we wouldn't be here in the first place. My husband is just now starting to understand this, and we have been around the block a few times with this problem if you know what I mean.
It will take time to educate yourself and your boyfriend. Going to AA really does help because you can be around other people who truly understand what you are going through. At least give it a try. What do you have to lose?
Keep coming back and posting. Let us know how you are doing.
Dawn
I just wanted to add my 2 cents about your boyfriend and how he thinks that you just ought to be able to drink in moderation. My husband has said that to me so many times. He just doesn't understand what it feels like or what it means to actually be an alcoholic. Most people who can drink in moderation do not understand how an alcoholic feels. They can't understand. Unless they have been in Al-anon or really done their research on alcoholism, they are just not gonna get it. Also, as alcoholics, we can be very manipulative when we want to have our alcohol. We can convince others that "yeh, this time I'll really learn to drink in moderation!" Heck, how many times have we lied to ourselves and even convinced ourselves that we could drink in moderation. If we could drink in moderation (for any length of time), we wouldn't be here in the first place. My husband is just now starting to understand this, and we have been around the block a few times with this problem if you know what I mean.
It will take time to educate yourself and your boyfriend. Going to AA really does help because you can be around other people who truly understand what you are going through. At least give it a try. What do you have to lose?
Keep coming back and posting. Let us know how you are doing.
Dawn
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: windsor, ontario, canada
Posts: 201
Good morning and thanks again to the rest of you who posted while i was sleeping.
This morning sucks. I woke up feeling really down and scared but i cant place why and its eating at me. My puppy was up sick all night and i guess maybe i am kind of cranky.
There are so many things around the house i could be doing. But the lack of motivation is still sitting here. It used to be that i would grab a drink and clean the house. Or grab a drink and mow the lawn...whatever. Its so strange how when you are quitting you have to rearrange your whole lifestyle.
I am going to try to find a meeting today but mostly around here, they are at night. So i guess the big test will be finding the strength in me to get through the day and accomplish some things and hopefully be proud of myself at the end of the day.
I go back to work tomorrow, finally. the new company i started with 3 weeks ago has been on shut down due to the plant retooling closures. So hopefully me going back will make things a ton easier. I know i cant drink while im at work and i tend to work 12-14 hour days.
I want to invite some friends over later. You know, the girls. for a barbeque. But, i know that they will all bring over the drinks and i dont think i am ready to be around others in that situation. in fact, i wonder if i will ever be ready. And I am sure my friends would respect me for speaking up and saying no drinks, but then i wonder what things will be like. AHAHAHAH!!!
Too many thoughts today. My boyfriend says my brain never shuts off. And he is right. For a long time I used that for an excuse to drink, thinking I would unwind and turn my brain off. Not now.
Anyway, i am going to read some more of this site. And once again, thank you all for listening and for your input. Have a wonderful day and congratulations to all of you, even if its only been a few days of sobriety. Keep your strength up.
By the way: Would it be a bad thing to check out this site several times a day for support?
This morning sucks. I woke up feeling really down and scared but i cant place why and its eating at me. My puppy was up sick all night and i guess maybe i am kind of cranky.
There are so many things around the house i could be doing. But the lack of motivation is still sitting here. It used to be that i would grab a drink and clean the house. Or grab a drink and mow the lawn...whatever. Its so strange how when you are quitting you have to rearrange your whole lifestyle.
I am going to try to find a meeting today but mostly around here, they are at night. So i guess the big test will be finding the strength in me to get through the day and accomplish some things and hopefully be proud of myself at the end of the day.
I go back to work tomorrow, finally. the new company i started with 3 weeks ago has been on shut down due to the plant retooling closures. So hopefully me going back will make things a ton easier. I know i cant drink while im at work and i tend to work 12-14 hour days.
I want to invite some friends over later. You know, the girls. for a barbeque. But, i know that they will all bring over the drinks and i dont think i am ready to be around others in that situation. in fact, i wonder if i will ever be ready. And I am sure my friends would respect me for speaking up and saying no drinks, but then i wonder what things will be like. AHAHAHAH!!!
Too many thoughts today. My boyfriend says my brain never shuts off. And he is right. For a long time I used that for an excuse to drink, thinking I would unwind and turn my brain off. Not now.
Anyway, i am going to read some more of this site. And once again, thank you all for listening and for your input. Have a wonderful day and congratulations to all of you, even if its only been a few days of sobriety. Keep your strength up.
By the way: Would it be a bad thing to check out this site several times a day for support?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Hi Mertyl,
Nope. Its not bad to check in here as often as you would benefit from: like whenever your mind begins to drift into circles of obsessive thoughts of drinking, or when you are feeling otherwise unmotivated to DO things...etc.
Be gentle and urturing with yourself. You are going through a huge internal re-arrangement. Allow time for change to take root.
We are all here for you!
Nope. Its not bad to check in here as often as you would benefit from: like whenever your mind begins to drift into circles of obsessive thoughts of drinking, or when you are feeling otherwise unmotivated to DO things...etc.
Be gentle and urturing with yourself. You are going through a huge internal re-arrangement. Allow time for change to take root.
We are all here for you!
Addict
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 131
Hi everyone,
The whole "thinking too much" idea with our brains on full-speed all day long... I can definitely relate to that. It's been an excuse to use for me for a long time. Actually, come to think of it, it has been one of the top excuses I have used. Either I wanted to forget a long workday, or I didn't want to think about something, or I didn't want to think anymore, period. Everything that was tough to deal with in my life was tough to think about... so they were all potential times for heavy use. And everything in life had a bad aspect, or so I could find at the time. So why shouldn't I just use all the time.
I am so glad to have my mind back now. I still think too much, but I see my thoughts differently now. Yes, there are hard times. But it feels so much better to have a clear head when going through them. I actually learn and grow with each experience, good or bad. What a difference from trying to send my mind away. I still struggle with this, but I do now see the value it has to allow ourselves to go through the bad times. I want to live my life, not just watch from the outside through a cloudy haze.
And as far as visiting this site... I visit several times a day, even if just to check out what's going on for a few minutes. And when I have time, usually at home, I read the threads here thoroughly and post my own thoughts. What a truly beneficial experience for me.
Take care, Mertyl. And yes, be easy on yourself. You have made incredible progress already.
Thanks for listening,
Jennifer
The whole "thinking too much" idea with our brains on full-speed all day long... I can definitely relate to that. It's been an excuse to use for me for a long time. Actually, come to think of it, it has been one of the top excuses I have used. Either I wanted to forget a long workday, or I didn't want to think about something, or I didn't want to think anymore, period. Everything that was tough to deal with in my life was tough to think about... so they were all potential times for heavy use. And everything in life had a bad aspect, or so I could find at the time. So why shouldn't I just use all the time.
I am so glad to have my mind back now. I still think too much, but I see my thoughts differently now. Yes, there are hard times. But it feels so much better to have a clear head when going through them. I actually learn and grow with each experience, good or bad. What a difference from trying to send my mind away. I still struggle with this, but I do now see the value it has to allow ourselves to go through the bad times. I want to live my life, not just watch from the outside through a cloudy haze.
And as far as visiting this site... I visit several times a day, even if just to check out what's going on for a few minutes. And when I have time, usually at home, I read the threads here thoroughly and post my own thoughts. What a truly beneficial experience for me.
Take care, Mertyl. And yes, be easy on yourself. You have made incredible progress already.
Thanks for listening,
Jennifer
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Hi Mertyl and welcome! I am Kellye and I am a recovering alcoholic. What you are describing is totally normal. Your body and your brain are withdrawing from alcohol and that "mental fog" is normal during this phase. The good news is, it does get better.
As far as the BBQ with "the girls", personally, when I was getting sober I couldn't be around other people who were drinking until I had some time under my belt, an AA support group and some tools in place from working that program. My first go-round at sobriety, which began on July 6, 2004 lasted 4 days and it ended because I wanted to go out on a Friday night to sing kareoke. I had no "intentions" of drinking, just wanted to sing. Next thing I know someone put a drink in front of me and I drank it. I took me almost a month to work up the will and courage to stop again. After that, it was a long time before I was around people drinking and always with someone else from the program.
As for your husband, as has already been said, it is really difficult for anyone who does not have an addiction to alcohol or recognize themselves as being addicted to anything to understand what we go through, why we can't just drink responsibly and then stop. They don't understand the compulsion to drink or the obsession with alcohol that we have. My best advice is to educate yourself on the disease and then break it down to him in a way he can understand. Classic example, would you encourage someone with diabetes to eat loads of sugar? Of course not because it could kill them. Alcohol could kill YOU! This is a life and death struggle and to live I can't drink. Anyways, something along those lines might help.
It will probably be easier getting back to work and routine where you can't drink. If you can find a meeting that you can make it to, I would highly suggest it. That is what saved my life and now I look forward to them because the people there have become another family to me.
As far as coming to this site for support, there is nothing wrong at all with that. Even if you can't post, just popping in and reading posts can aid your recovery in either teaching you something new, showing you that you're not alone in this, or reminding yourself of why you quit and strengthening your resolve not to drink today.
I hope you will post lots more. I encourage you to check out the Alcoholism board and the stickies at the top which include ones about stopping the drinking. Very educational!
Hugs,
Kellye
As far as the BBQ with "the girls", personally, when I was getting sober I couldn't be around other people who were drinking until I had some time under my belt, an AA support group and some tools in place from working that program. My first go-round at sobriety, which began on July 6, 2004 lasted 4 days and it ended because I wanted to go out on a Friday night to sing kareoke. I had no "intentions" of drinking, just wanted to sing. Next thing I know someone put a drink in front of me and I drank it. I took me almost a month to work up the will and courage to stop again. After that, it was a long time before I was around people drinking and always with someone else from the program.
As for your husband, as has already been said, it is really difficult for anyone who does not have an addiction to alcohol or recognize themselves as being addicted to anything to understand what we go through, why we can't just drink responsibly and then stop. They don't understand the compulsion to drink or the obsession with alcohol that we have. My best advice is to educate yourself on the disease and then break it down to him in a way he can understand. Classic example, would you encourage someone with diabetes to eat loads of sugar? Of course not because it could kill them. Alcohol could kill YOU! This is a life and death struggle and to live I can't drink. Anyways, something along those lines might help.
It will probably be easier getting back to work and routine where you can't drink. If you can find a meeting that you can make it to, I would highly suggest it. That is what saved my life and now I look forward to them because the people there have become another family to me.
As far as coming to this site for support, there is nothing wrong at all with that. Even if you can't post, just popping in and reading posts can aid your recovery in either teaching you something new, showing you that you're not alone in this, or reminding yourself of why you quit and strengthening your resolve not to drink today.
I hope you will post lots more. I encourage you to check out the Alcoholism board and the stickies at the top which include ones about stopping the drinking. Very educational!
Hugs,
Kellye
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: windsor, ontario, canada
Posts: 201
Kelley D,
thank you for the input. I know what you mean about the karaoke. Love it. One of the hardest things for me to overcome will be not going to my second home. My neighbourhood bar. Like Cheers, where everyone knows your name. For so long, i liked the fact that it didnt matter if i was done early for the day, or needed a nightcap. Someone was always there who "knew" me. How ridiculous is this? Because even the "friends" you make there might ask you to hang out at their homes or wherever, but it is never without alcohol. And most people I have met there, minus the one owner, have a drug problem of some sort. I can honestly say i have no interest in drugs, just alcohol, which is a drug, but these so called "friends", i see now will not be a positive side to my life. My mother has tried so hard to make me see that its not good for me to be there. And now I understand why.
I have many real friends, and most of them have just accepted that I will turn up to hang out when I have the time or need them. And i feel bad because I am not there for them like i used to be. I can listen and give advice on the phone but when someone calls, if i dont feel like talking, which is alot of the time, i wont answer. they will not understand it is because I am usually aware that i am drunk and dont want to sound it or say things i wont remember. My mom is the first person to detect that i have been drinking and so i have stopped calling her every day because i am afraid i am letting her down.
I am sorry if i am babbling. But i just feel a whole lot of, well, i dont know right now and it is kind of making the anxiety in my stomach lessen a bit by just speaking my mind. I know i wont be judged and its helping me to understand a bit more.
i have so many questions for others but i dont know if it is healthy to ask. I was recently on a site where a new member asked what it felt like to be so high that they could lose everything. One of the others responded with a very harsh message. It was very angry.
And i guess i am feeling kinda angry today. I want to know and understand how I, me, the person who had so much to offer and was and still is so loving and generous, ended up like this. So reliant on something that can make me so happy or so depressed. So confident, yet so meek the morning after an aclohol induced argument. And then i get mad at that because it makes me feel like i am wallowing in pity. But really, i am just so confused.
Every meeting i have been to has been open. And every meeting, i have cried afterward but have never talked. I guess i was afraid. Is this normal, to just cry?????? And cry?????? And will it ever stop? I cant win. I cry when i drink. I cry when i try to sober up.
So. i guess i am feeling like i will overwhelm everyone by posting this but again i needed to vent. So thanks for all the encouragement so far, to everyone.
thank you for the input. I know what you mean about the karaoke. Love it. One of the hardest things for me to overcome will be not going to my second home. My neighbourhood bar. Like Cheers, where everyone knows your name. For so long, i liked the fact that it didnt matter if i was done early for the day, or needed a nightcap. Someone was always there who "knew" me. How ridiculous is this? Because even the "friends" you make there might ask you to hang out at their homes or wherever, but it is never without alcohol. And most people I have met there, minus the one owner, have a drug problem of some sort. I can honestly say i have no interest in drugs, just alcohol, which is a drug, but these so called "friends", i see now will not be a positive side to my life. My mother has tried so hard to make me see that its not good for me to be there. And now I understand why.
I have many real friends, and most of them have just accepted that I will turn up to hang out when I have the time or need them. And i feel bad because I am not there for them like i used to be. I can listen and give advice on the phone but when someone calls, if i dont feel like talking, which is alot of the time, i wont answer. they will not understand it is because I am usually aware that i am drunk and dont want to sound it or say things i wont remember. My mom is the first person to detect that i have been drinking and so i have stopped calling her every day because i am afraid i am letting her down.
I am sorry if i am babbling. But i just feel a whole lot of, well, i dont know right now and it is kind of making the anxiety in my stomach lessen a bit by just speaking my mind. I know i wont be judged and its helping me to understand a bit more.
i have so many questions for others but i dont know if it is healthy to ask. I was recently on a site where a new member asked what it felt like to be so high that they could lose everything. One of the others responded with a very harsh message. It was very angry.
And i guess i am feeling kinda angry today. I want to know and understand how I, me, the person who had so much to offer and was and still is so loving and generous, ended up like this. So reliant on something that can make me so happy or so depressed. So confident, yet so meek the morning after an aclohol induced argument. And then i get mad at that because it makes me feel like i am wallowing in pity. But really, i am just so confused.
Every meeting i have been to has been open. And every meeting, i have cried afterward but have never talked. I guess i was afraid. Is this normal, to just cry?????? And cry?????? And will it ever stop? I cant win. I cry when i drink. I cry when i try to sober up.
So. i guess i am feeling like i will overwhelm everyone by posting this but again i needed to vent. So thanks for all the encouragement so far, to everyone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
OMG, I could have written this post! Definitely stick around and keep posting. Get the feelings out and know that you are not alone. There are many people that go to meetings and say nothing and there are many tears shed. It's normal. It's also a process of your brain un-numbing. The emotions you have locked away are coming out.
Want to hear something crazy? When I was at about 30 days sober I would be sitting in a meeting and really had nothing to share on the topic yet and was hoping not to be called upon. Then at the end of the meeting I would be fighting back tears because nobody called on me to speak. Hello! I told them I thought I was losing my mind and they assured me it is perfectly normal and it would get better. Know what? It did!
I was horrified to find that after just 3 1/2 years of drinking that I had become a total slave to alcohol. I was ashamed, I was mad at myself for letting a "substance" control me, I avoided family and friends in favor of drinking. My mom was always first to know when I was drunk so I wouldn't take her calls either. She'd put up with this for a day or so then she would come over and beat on my window screaming at the top of her lungs that if I didn't open the door immediately she was calling 911! I can laugh about it now but at the time I hated her! She is also the person who I owe my life too. She got in my face on July 6, 2004 after a weekend long bender and drove me to my first meeting at my home group that night. She, along with my kids, have been my greatest support since then.
I can also relate to the neighborhood bar thing. I had a similar thing where I would go sing. Not to mention the liquor store clerks. They were "close friends" of mine and at the end I went so far as to become a roommate with one of them. My God, when I think back on the choices I made and the people I associated with and the things I did I still cringe at times.
You are among friends here, and we want to support you, so keep reaching out with your thoughts and feelings. Most of the time you will find they are normal (after all, as much as we might like to think we are, we are not that unique LOL!) and if you're thinking is throwed off we'll let you know that too!
Hugs,
Kellye
Want to hear something crazy? When I was at about 30 days sober I would be sitting in a meeting and really had nothing to share on the topic yet and was hoping not to be called upon. Then at the end of the meeting I would be fighting back tears because nobody called on me to speak. Hello! I told them I thought I was losing my mind and they assured me it is perfectly normal and it would get better. Know what? It did!
I was horrified to find that after just 3 1/2 years of drinking that I had become a total slave to alcohol. I was ashamed, I was mad at myself for letting a "substance" control me, I avoided family and friends in favor of drinking. My mom was always first to know when I was drunk so I wouldn't take her calls either. She'd put up with this for a day or so then she would come over and beat on my window screaming at the top of her lungs that if I didn't open the door immediately she was calling 911! I can laugh about it now but at the time I hated her! She is also the person who I owe my life too. She got in my face on July 6, 2004 after a weekend long bender and drove me to my first meeting at my home group that night. She, along with my kids, have been my greatest support since then.
I can also relate to the neighborhood bar thing. I had a similar thing where I would go sing. Not to mention the liquor store clerks. They were "close friends" of mine and at the end I went so far as to become a roommate with one of them. My God, when I think back on the choices I made and the people I associated with and the things I did I still cringe at times.
You are among friends here, and we want to support you, so keep reaching out with your thoughts and feelings. Most of the time you will find they are normal (after all, as much as we might like to think we are, we are not that unique LOL!) and if you're thinking is throwed off we'll let you know that too!
Hugs,
Kellye
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: windsor, ontario, canada
Posts: 201
thank you. store slerks are also my friends. Where i live they dont sell alcohol at convenience stores. Its privatized, so the "liquor and beer stores" are only open from like 9-5, especially on sundays, like today.
I am just wasting minutes till then, till the meeting at 8 so i wont cave. My will power is low.
May i ask just one thing?
Did you ever have the urge to go to church? Even if you were raised a different way, AA has one using God for strength. And when you get there, do you walk in and cant stop crying there either?
I am trying to pry myself away now to go and clean but i am so happy to have all this info here that i cant. Will someone please tell me its all good to "step away from the computer" to go and accomplish something worthwhile? Good God!!!!!
I am just wasting minutes till then, till the meeting at 8 so i wont cave. My will power is low.
May i ask just one thing?
Did you ever have the urge to go to church? Even if you were raised a different way, AA has one using God for strength. And when you get there, do you walk in and cant stop crying there either?
I am trying to pry myself away now to go and clean but i am so happy to have all this info here that i cant. Will someone please tell me its all good to "step away from the computer" to go and accomplish something worthwhile? Good God!!!!!
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