lizzy girl

Hi, Last night was a rough one. Not only have I been trying to cope with the reality that my husband is abusing me in various ways--which has just hit me like a ton of bricks last week. Thanks to everyone here regarding my post on abuse and lots of reading about various forms of abuse, it has become very clear that I am in an abusive relationship.

But, I came home last night to find AH getting drunk, his last binge was 3 weeks ago. He didn't seem that bad when I first arrived home from work, but
by the time I finished my evening farm chores, he must have managed to down a whole more rum, as I found him passed out on the bathroom floor.
He stayed there for 3 hours. Every time I walked by, I would just stare at him experiencing a gambit of emotions. I have often wondered if he could see what I see through my eyes when he gets this drunk, if it would make an impact on him. So I took a couple of photos of him splayed out on the floor.
I felt very weird doing this. Is this being cruel, kicking him when he is down?
I left these photos for him this morning and left for work, so I'm sitting here squirming about it. I wrote a note: This is my reality, what is yours?

deettah

Wow Lizzy, I am sorry you are going through this right now. It is a hard pill to swallow when we start to realize the dungeon's we have all been living in. I would not expect a good reaction out of him. More likely that he will be angry that you took the pictures, not see the logic in why you did it, or your deperation and he will get mad and place blame. Just be prepared hun, I could be wrong. Is there somewhere safe you can go? I think maybe, since you can't leave the animals on the farm, he should leave.

Zoey

lizzy, Does he call you at work, have you heard from him yet, he may not mention it. Kinda seems we can't out guess how they will react.
I am hopeing it was a good thing to do.

fartheralong

Hi Lizzy. Wow, brave woman. I understand completely why you did this, you want him to 'see'. But I'd honestly be surprised if he did 'see'. I mean, I suppose he might--stranger things have happened. Personally I have to agree with deetah, I'm betting he's going ot be angry and with the earlier post about your situation, I'm concerned for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. (hugs)

FA

LaTeeDa

I did that, too. Mine used to pass out on the dining room floor. I took pictures and showed them to him. I thought I could shame him into getting sober. I think the shame and self-loathing they feel is part of the reason they drink. It's part of the dance. They drink, we try to make them feel bad about it, they drink more. What are you doing for you?

L

GettingBy

So true, so very true. That's why it's best that we stay right out of the way of the drinking. Staying out of it, helps prevent us from sharing the "blame."

I'm so sorry that you had the night you did Lizzy Girl. Is there any place you can go to get away when he's in those states? Can you go visit with a friend? Go for a walk. I think that allowing yourself to keep walking in the room, and keep seeing him lying there, is only doing YOU more harm. Taking CARE OF YOU would mean not going in the room, not making yourself look at it. It's doesn't mean denying that he's there... just not forcing yourself to have to keep facing it over and over.

Please take care of YOU today. Make yourself and your health, peace, and sanity top priority... that's all that matters!
-Shannon

Missy

I thought I could shame him into getting sober. I think the shame and self-loathing they feel is part of the reason they drink. It's part of the dance. They drink, we try to make them feel bad about it, they drink more. What are you doing for you?
I did this too. He wouldnt look at them and didnt care. I do think a lot about "dancing" when he does stupid stuff like this. Also just think in your head... if you look like a duck, act like a duck and quack like a duck... you are a duck..

ICU

I would be very careful about provoking someone who is abusive. Taking the photos and tucking them away for future reference (legal?) is one thing. But leaving them out there for him to see, along with your note, is yet another.

I'm not saying I don't understand the feelings that you have. I'm just saying, don't provoke him. Mental and verbal abuse can be a precursor to physical abuse. Abuse, like alcohol, is also progressive.

Just be careful, ok?

jackson123

My BF would have claimed food poisoning. He has an excuse everytime he passes out. He even told me one time that he got hit in the head at work. Go figure..

Pick-a-name

Yes. First in my A's list of "damage-control" is the old "if I pretend it didn't happen.maybe it will go away and no one will mention/remember it". (btw...he tried is "run-down" of tactics yesterday;email version. I basically ignored it all and didn't take the bait...every time. Thanks to you folks. I just was curious to see what he would try. My bad. Bugged him that I didn't react the way he anticipated.)

Next my AH would turn it on me (his hope, at least) in some bizarre way to derail the issue.

You said all you needed to.

Good luck.

Pick-a-name

HAHA. I know it's not really funny.but it struck me that way! You gotta say, they may not come up with the most believable stories, but they are creative.

Sassy9981

I've taken pictures of my AH and shown them to him later, and he doesnt have a response, other than "I worked 65 hours this week, what do you expect" . Obviously I dont expect him to be passed out at 1pm on a Saturday afternoon. Thank god hes working out of town for the rest of the month.

GettingFree

So true LaTeeDah. But is there any other reason? Any addiction I've come across is rooted in pain and an inability to love oneself, starting way back in childhood.

ChildlikeFaith

This cracked me up. Once, my AH claimed that some guy with a crippled hand beat him up in our driveway.

Pick-a-name

HAHAHA!!! They do encounter some of the strangest folks and bad breaks of any people alive;to hear their tales! It is no wonder they have "so much stress"!

lizzy girl

Driving home from work last night, I was nervously going through all of the scenerios I might find when I got home. The one I predicted was what I found. AH was sufficiently drunk enough to not be communicable. He had been watching his porno movies all afternoon. I found the photos in the trash, so he did see them for what it was worth. I don't think there will be any anger from him when he sobers up, he will just pretend he didn't see them. The other thing I didn't mention is that I also gave him a treatment status report from my counselor. I have been debating about giving it to him for a month, and when to do so. I questioned if he read it and he said he threw it away when he saw the letterhead, and that he assumed it was a form letter from the counselor trying to get him to go into counseling.
I lost it--I told him this was about me, not him and that It took me a month to have the nerve to give it to him. I started crying and saying, I can't do this anymore over and over and went out in the backyard. I felt like something snapped me in two and I collapsed onto the grass and layed there sobing for a half an hour--I couldn't get up. He never even got off the couch while I was out there. I think it hit me at that moment that I might be able to find a way to live with his alcoholism, but add abuse to the picture and this has got to end--what was left of my marriage has been destroyed. Now I have to find a way to pick myself up off the ground and make some decisions about the rest of my life. I worry I will get weak again after this binge is over like I always do--it's so easy to go back to that comfortable place of denial. I don't know if I have the strength. I don't accept the higher power concept, I have virtually no friends, or family to go to. So Ive got to dig deep within myself and find my inner strength. I'm glad I have an appointment with my counselor today, it's the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.

ICU

Sometimes we do need to go back to that 'comfortable' place for awhile. Most of us see-saw back and forth between making progress in moving forward, and regressing to going back to the way things have been. It's all normal, so realize that and don't kick yourself when/if that happens to you.

Just take baby steps until you find your way. You will get to where you need to be, but not until you are ready.

I would just like to suggest that you stop leaving notes/pictures/reports, etc. for him. I know you want him to know how much pain you are in, but he is in so much pain, and can't be of any help to you. In fact, it just might make his self-loathing and guilt worse, and, he will more than likely take it out on you. That certainly won't help you or your situation.

Talk to your counselor, and us here. We can't decide things for you of course, but, we can listen and offer suggestions.

denny57

hi lizzy. i understand what you say about the higher power concept. i struggled with that, too. until i truly understood it means whatever you want it to mean. if it helps in any way, think of your inner strength as your higher power. turn it over and allow that strength to see you through. you've had some important realizations and i believe you will find your way.

it's good you have your counselor. having people to talk to as I went through this was a lifesaver.

good luck and please keep posting.

Pick-a-name

Perhaps taking those pictures was a good thing..for you. My suggestion would be to get them ( and your report) out of the trash and put them away for the times you "forget" and maybe they will remind you of the reality of the situation and the feels and thoughts you are having about these past few days.

I am sorry.I know that collapsed feeling. Maybe "step one" again? I hope today is a much better day for you.

deettah

I am sorry you are hurting Lizzy but I think it may have been a blessing in disguise that he threw away the pictures and the report. It took you a long time to have the nerve to show it to him and why should you be afraid? He is after all your husband. That's the terrible irony of the situations we find ourselves in with our AH's. We are constantly worrying about them, thier reacition, thier anger, thier pain, thier consequence never thinking of ourselves and always seeking approval or fullfillment from someone who is incapable.

For me I had to finally reach down into my guts and realize that if I did not force myself to do something about the situation I was in, no matter how weak and vulnerable I felt, that I was condemning myself to live in misery while dragging my son along as an innocent witness to his mother's demise.

We all know what it's like to be at your weakest and just when you think you can't feel lower, they shove you down more. Always remember that you can come here and talk, anytime and remember that only you have the ability to change what life has handed you. Take care hun.