aloneagainor

This is not good. I'm scared to go home. You all know how good addicts are at deception/ manipulation/ distortion/ avoiding/ and all. My marriage has failed but we still reside in the same house (finances dictate). We're separate individuals living separate lives. I hid my use (the extent of it) from everyone including my spouse for 14 years. I finally stated the truth and went through out-patient treatment, we tried to resolve our differences, but kept growing farther apart, the trust irreparably destroyed, we started hiding and avoiding again, willingness dwindled, and done. I have not discussed anything about my progress toward recovery with anyone outside of SR and those few I've met through NA, figuring they didn't know about my addiction, they won't know about my recovery, and pretty much everyone just leaves me alone.

So what difference should it make if my attempts at recovery are now exposed. I'm pretty sure I'll arrive home to an informed spouse. He did not know I write here. He has EXPRESSLY INSTRUCTED ME TO NOT WRITE ON LINE OR TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT DRUG USE for fear of exposure. He didn't know of any of the friends I've made here. Nothing about any of this. A piece of information slipped. Do I now avoid the issue, or tell him it's none of his business, or do I answer his questions and say nothing more, do I allow him access to this writing, or explain everything that's going on? I don't want to leave my home. I can't keep living like this. Avoidance in addiction is tolerable; this continued avoidance in recovery is hell.

To be honest, my first idea was to go to a friends to get high. Haven't been there for a long while. I knocked at his door but he wasn't home, so I played frisbee with his dog and had time to rethink what I was doing. Which is why I'm now here. I've got to go home now. I'd rather avoid. Rrrrgh.

Anna

If necessary, we can hide all your posts and then you can re-register with a new name.

Otherwise, if you 'separated' why do you feel it's necessary to answer his questions or explain your actions? You have been taking care of yourself and there is no reason why you should feel bad about it.

Let me know if we can help.

Luckyv2

This isn't really all based on avoidance as it is really based on fear. Usually most of the emotions that we have, at the core of most of them is fear. Now fear used to mean F*ck Everything And Run, but today we like to say that it is False Evidence Appearing Real, or Face Everything And Recover. The essentials of recovery are H.O.W. Honesty, Open-minded and Willingness, we have to really practice these in all of our affairs, it shouldn't matter what the consequences are. In the AA Big Book, it states wife or no wife, job or no job we insist that we can stay sober no matter what. So it is a choice and a decision that only you can make. Sending tons of good thoughts your way.

Love Vic

aloneagainor

I've not left the library yet because I can't decide what to do. It's not my writing here that concerns me, it's the fact I'm talking about this (addiction/ recovery) at all to anyone (he's really bothered that I've been attending NA meetings too.) This is just yet another deception atop all the other deceptions that's the problem. Which gets to the core of the REAL issue, that one or the other of us has to leave. Which will likely result in the division of the property, my home, my business, the whole of my life. I love where I live, and I love my work, and don't want to start over. You know, CHANGE.

Glad there's an Edit option here, so after reading Vic's words I can add FEAR. Yes, the honesty issue rises again. I am going home now. Mantra for the day shall be honesty.

Anna

Ah, I get it.

Sometimes when we have a change pushed on us, it works out for the best. Maybe the time is right, maybe you are ready to handle it!

GeorgiaPeach

Maybe if you explain that everything done on here is anonamyous and that we don't even know who you are and maybe Anna can hide most of your posts, the ones that tell more about you, he might feel better about it. You don't use your real name so if he thinks no harm, then maybe no foul? Obviously he doesn't support you because if he did he would understand why you use these tools in your recovery. I guess that you just need to go home and see if he says anything and then discuss it rationally. I can't think of anything better right now.

GP

Cindi R

Hold your head up....
There is no shame in being in recovery!
My exAH was very threatened by my NA attendance and by my time spent online as well...he just didn't "get it"...that I needed a sober support network.
He was still active in his addiction, and my sobriety threatened his continued use...
He no longer had a partner in his activities...
When I started beginning to openly talk about "my" addiction...he had no idea how to deal with the consequences of that...everything about our relationship was changing and he didn't like it one bit!
I suspect that your hubby wishes to keep it as a skeleton in the closet...
but really, this is the 21st century...
Nothing is worth throwing it all away for...
His opinion is just his opinion...
If he's that narrowminded then it's his problem, not yours!
Haven't you heard...it's in vogue to be in recovery these days...all the celeb's are talking about it...
If he truely cared about you then he'd be glad that you were getting help for your problem and that you weren't using anymore.
Kick him to the curb...
You can do much better than that girlfriend!

lulu70

Hey there--Sounds like a tough situation. I cannot imagine trying to live with someone I knew I shouldn't be living with. Maybe Anna is right. Maybe this is just the right time for this to happen. I know change is scary. I am the queen of running away from change, but it could end up being the very best thing in the long run. Regardless, all you can do right now is take care of what needs to be taken care of today. The old "one day at a time" definitely fits this situation. IMHO--you have done absolutely nothing wrong. If it helps at all, I have no idea who you really are and could care less who he is!! LOL

We're here for you.

aloneagainor

The suspected information leak got buried under other incoming business and went unnoticed. So I simply dodged that bullet. However, this incident shone a BRIGHT spotlight on just how huge this whole matter of deception/ avoidance is. We're so blind to what's going on all around us, until it's exposed to the light. I'm grateful for the mirrors that keep cropping up in my path and the lights that keep flashing on all around me here, despite the associated discomforts that hurt my head and eyes. Damn, the first thing I think to do is go get high? What's THAT about. Oh yeah, escape/ avoidance. Dodged a bullet there too. That line from the Eels comes to mind, "A careful man dodges bullets, while a happy man takes a walk."

CindiR, it's a direct relate between your story and mine. Everything's a threat, both ways. This is no way to live. I'm used to living an extremely private life and decided I needed no-one so deception/ avoidance/ hiding was tolerable, part of the lifestyle. It's pretty ugly to maintain those practices without the drugs to support that mindset. The PARANOIA of this afternoon suggests I've got the emotional maturity of an 18-year old, right where I started using. Avoidance doesn't really avoid anything, it just creates problems that have to be confronted later. Thanks for listening and responding, so appreciative for this resource, so very very appreciative...

aloneagainor

Lulu--you wrote as I was writing...
I do believe that all things happen for a reason, ESPECIALLY so lately, what at first seems a negative is actually only opportunity for positive change to begin. Very much living one day at a time, and living IN the day, though those fears of the future and other people's reactions/ potential to negatively affect me has a terribly disruptive effect on my otherwise clear(ing) thinking. Doing the right thing...offers tremendous freedoms...

Cindi R

****{Hugs}}}
Do whatever it is to maintain your sanity and your sobriety...don't let him interfere with that.

"They" reccomend no major changes for the first year of sobriety...however, I knew that our marriage would never survive from day one.
It may take time and determination as well as planning to get yourself out of this situation...
After that one year I asked him to leave...he refused and told me I could leave for another 6 months.
Luckily I was able to support myself and take care of the kids with no help from him. Our divorce was final 13 days after our 25th anniversary...he remarried less than 3 months later...
It's been almost 5 years since I became clean & sober...and 3 years since the divorce...
Things do get better...one day at a time!
Keep the faith!

hector

[aloneagainor]. Great big hug.

I loved what CindiR said about recovery being in vogue. Not true for everyone, some (most?) people still stigmatize it, but the times are changing! They have to. Most people know an addict, recovering or practicing. You'd have to live in a pretty small shell not to. I also love how she ended her comments! "Kick him to the curb... you can do much better than that"!!!

Easier said than done. Despite what you say about the marriage being over, perhaps there's a faint glimmer of hope, a candle 200 yards away in the blackest night, that maybe this can be fixed. Maybe you both see that candle.

Want to snuff it out? Go back using. It'll disappear immediately, probably forever. Stay clean, no matter what. "....you can do much better than that".

Please post again. And take or leave what I said. My opinion only.

temlin3

This place and the meetings and the friends and the support and the kindness and the caring and the thoughtful words... All of this and more, the basis upon which our strength to admit our addiction and come out for help is centered... We have so much, no matter how much others see from the outside. If they truly love us, they will always back us up, and they will see that in order for the "problem" to "go away" (our addiction to recover) we must first confront, then attack with everything we've got. Without this there is no true recovery. We cannot finish a job without all the proper tools, it's pure logic. We survive with and through each other, our community, and ourselves.

Take care everyone. And remember the feeling of postivity we get when we read a new post that inspires us, hear the words that make us truly understand ourselves, receive the pure kindness from a stranger... this is how we deserve to feel — good. Stay on your path and the rest of your life shall follow. We can and will get through this. We use our minds to overpower the fear and craving... we can use our hope and faith to get through any tough time. Someone, somewhere said, "This too shall pass." And it will. And you will be feeling good on the other side of this.

Best wishes and positive thoughts,

Jennifer

When I first came to SR and "joined" the community, I met a dear friend who has given me a hand to grab on my way up from misery in addiction. Someone who keeps me going each and every day, along with everyone here at SR. A person who has shared thoughts, wisdom, kindness, experience, and even a book with. This truly wise person once said (wrote) to me,

"Take it one thing at a time, be sure to ask for help when you need it, and live in the present moment. Everything will fall into place as it is supposed to be, you know..."

"...Sometimes what at first seems like terrible adversity turns out to be a blessing in disguise."

aloneagainor

I found and joined SR on Feb 14, oblivious to the associated holiday. That same night my husband arrived home late with news he wanted to buy a boat and go sail off somewhere (destination unknown). Both making moves to take care of ourselves, independent of the other.

Today is Independence day. Wow, the CHANGES in just under 5 months time! Yet still stuck in so many ways. Willing to do whatever it takes? Striving towards this.

After going through out-patient last spring it didn't take long to return, in earnest, to using. Corrosive move to the relationship, and nearly destructive to me personally, integrity disintegrated, dividing me from connection to everything. I certainly played my part in "snuffing it out". He's still actively using, never stopped. Stamped out. Both loner-types to the extreme, we live in our own distant worlds. Easy to co-exist with, impossible to get near or to know. Straying further apart now with the drug disconnect. Pretty faint chance for reconnection, not in that direction. Yet, there's always hope, that's true. I won't be moving backwards though.

And Temlin3, RIGHT ON! This resource of SR and all the good hearts and souls and minds here willing and ABLE to connect...is nothing short of inspirational and positively encouraging. Finding this site back on Feb. 14, connecting to it, tapping into it, engaging IN it, shifted my focus from full retreat to one of hope and forward thinking. I'm looking FORWARD to lighting a sparkler in recognition and celebration of Independence tonight (all see Vic's "Celebrate our Freedom" thread here at Newcomers).

I LOVE the interconnectedness of this all. It makes beautiful sense. Striving to do better, to do my best. On that note, on with this gorgeous day. So very happy to be here.

Lollipop

Alone!!
Hang in there sweetie, you are strong and doing great. Im sorry things are rough right now but as you said, everything happens for a reason. One Day At A Time my friend
Love Liss

c'est la vie

Hey aloneagainor, I don't have time today to read your thread but wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you. I'm currently hiding in the office of my inlaws house typing quickly, so I understand trying to keep things under the table from people who just don't understand the need to talk about this.

I certainly hope you don't let him control your decision of whether or not to get the help you want or need through here or anywhere else.

gotta run someone's coming! take care of yourself!!!!

REZ

It's none of his friggin' business what you say to people in real life or online. You need to share to recover. If you don't, you could die. Simple as that.

aloneagainor

Certainly I've played the biggest role in keeping the whole of this addiction under cover and out of sight, had to to keep it protected and alive. I've been aware that there is a problem in my thinking and actions for a few years and tried to remedy this inside my own head, out of sight of anyone who might interfere. But as we're all well aware, that only keeps one stuck in their own preconceptions, in their own best thinking. The filters only grow denser, the walls are built higher, as the addiction learns ways around the tricks we play. Really, only through exposure, from external input allowed to enter in and AFFECT our thinking, can anything begin to come into clear vision. A disease of perceptions indeed. Corrosive from the inside. Hiding and avoiding and evading allow it to exist and grow.

So I am doing what I need to do to let outside perspectives in. Mind wide open. I do have to work around the situation I'm in, refusing to have these necessary outlets be restricted or controlled. Strange balance between learning to not hide/ evade/ avoid (stopping those behaviors that allow addiction to continue) and engaging in the practice of avoiding and evading so to protect my connections to recovery.

Luckyv2

I just came from a step meeting and it was on step 7, when we were reading it outload I thought of you and me..Yep if you have the NA Basic Text check it out if not I will post it here....it truly is something...

aloneagainor

The Independence Day "Just for Today" reading (thank you kindly for posting) focused on the subject of Conflict, and includes the statement: We didn't get clean to keep running from life-and in recovery, we don't have to run anymore. All that energy devoted to running and hiding could be so better applied elsewhere. Which is why I'm here, learning new ways of thinking. Wish I had my text with me here at the library so I could reference step 7...curious what you're thinking...