dancingqueen

I am back in Al-Anon after a 10 year lapse. It is really helping me and I have many questions. Here is one for all of you: My A has been sober for 4 weeks, he tells me that the hardest part is when we sit down in a restaurant or sit down at home to watch a movie. Those are the 2 times that he really wants a drink. He wonders why he can't just drink at those times and stay sober the rest of the time. We have been separated since July after 19 years of marriage. Recently we have decided to reconcile and we have been "dating". When he tells about this desire, I don't know what to say. I don't want to preach, I want to acknowledge his true feelings

So far this is what I have said: it is a fantasy to just have a drink or two, it would be nice but it has never been true for you. On a different occasion I said that he needed to make up his mind as I wouldn't consider reconciliation with drinking still in the picture. Any advice will be appreciated and considered. Thanks.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hmmm. He's putting you in the position of being responsible for his behavior. There is no right answer. "Sure honey, have a drink." and he's off the wagon... "No way, you smell like rattlesnake puke when you drink." and you're the big meany spoiling his fun. Then you feel forced to restate your own boundaries... now you're a nag.

How about... "You know better."? The responsibility is his.

Hugs and Welcome!
Smoke

dancingqueen

Thanks for your answer. You make sense. I did say to him that he needs to talk about it at AA. He said that they would tell him that one drink leads to two...

He knows...he really knows but he wants to drink. He wants the best of both worlds and always has, the alcohol and me. It just can't be.

NoDoubt

I'm in the same boat. I haven't left him but have let him know that I find it extrememly difficult to live with him when he drinks. Basically, he is not there for me when he drinks so I will not be there for him when he drinks and my daughters and myself will go on and do things to make us happy.

He hasn't had a drink in 3 1/2 weeks. Going out for dinner is VERY difficult for him. Also, riding home on the rail road is difficult. There are bar carts on the platforms in Manhattan (so it's very easy to buy 1 or 2 (?) tiny bottle of JD for the ride home. I really do believe that he hasn't had a drink in 3 1/2 weeks but am trying not to kid myself. I am hoping that I will be strong and follow through with working on making myself and my children happy. AlAnon is helping, but finding time to get there can be difficult. These forums are really helping.

Try not to become the fall guy. You can't be blamed if he drinks again. All you can do is take care of yourself.

good luck!!!!!!!!
NoDoubt

dancingqueen

Dear No Doubt,
Thanks for your reply. It does help me to know that others are where I am. I try hard not to "own" his feelings. I empathize with him because I would enjoy a glass of wine too. However, I would rather have him and our life together than a silly glass of wine. My old "stinkin' thinkin'" creeps in and I say...why can't he feel the same way I do, why can't he put me above his desire for alcohol. the truth is, he is right now trying to put our relationship first in his life and I am grateful. I am not putting all of my eggs in that basket ever again. I am pushing away the doubts and obsessive thoughts and I am living for today.

What do they say about new habits? How many times must one practice a new behavior before it becomes as comfortable as the unhealthy behavior? We better start eating out every day!!!! I like this forum, I am glad I found it.

NoDoubt

Actually, the glass of wine or margueritta with Mexican food is hard to break (when you go out for dinner). We have been out for dinner 1 time since he stopped drinking and neither of us drank. It wasn't very difficult for me but I found it odd not having a drink at the restaurant. I too enjoy a glass of chardonay occasionally, but am not drinking any wine now. I would feel like a hypocrite if I had a drink while he's trying not to drink.

We both quit smoking on 12/31 and have stuck with it so far. It is VERY hard to break an addiction. I can understand. Quitting smoking was really difficult. I am trying to relate that to drinking. Stay strong and do what you can for yourself. (Hey! I took my kids bowling today and we had a blast!)
NoDoubt

dancingqueen

Dear NoDoubt,
My 17 year old son just told me something and made me promise not to tell my A (his dad). He smelled marijuana on my A today and said to him, I thought you were quitting, he responded, I have cut down a lot. Now...what do I do. I am not going to confront him cuz that would mean that my son tattled on him, not good for my son nor my relationship with my son. I have made a committment to myself when I separated from him in July, no more alcohol no more pot, I don't want anything to do with it. Now that I know he is still using I can't commit to our reconciliation like I have been doing. My other concern which is really none of my business is that my A is trying to do this alone, he isn't going to AA, he went to one meeting when he first quit.

This is what I want to say to him: Are you having a hard time not using? I think going to meetings will help. It really helps me. I feel like I can take life one day at a time and live from meeting to meeting. I want you to know that I don't want to put my energy into our relationship if you can't be honest about yourself. I don't know what to do to help you.

How does all that ******** sound? I am trying to control again! I can't control this, I don't want to control this AND I don't want to say: I know you are using so lets go back to our separate corners. I think there is hope but you are not trying.

Help me if you can.

JT

You have two choices the way I see it. You can pretend to be committed to protect your son or you can back away from it using another reason and still protect your son. Blame it on a feeling or an intuition or moving too fast or any number of things.

I know it would be very hard for me to not blurt out what I know but that is not fair to your son. And you are not comfortable for a number of reasons...so taking a step back could do you some good.

Hugs,
JT

dancingqueen

JT,
I took your approach before I knew your approach. We celebrated my son's birthday tonight at a pizza place and then came back to my house for cake, it was very pleasant. (Both my A and my son live together in another house) My son and his girlfriend left around 8:00 so we had some time together, alone. I decided to ask him if he wanted to talk about our relationship and how he felt things were going and maybe where we wanted to head. He was VERY agreeable to talking and stated that he felt there are hurdles. He said that the one hurdle is as I stated in my earlier post about wanting a drink at a restaurant, etc. Then I asked him about the pot. He had no problem telling me that he was still using. In our previous 19 year marriage he lied to me about using a lot. So...this is a big step, he told the truth and I didn't freak out. We talked for 2 1/2 hours. We talked about what we want for ourselves, for each other, what God wants for each of us. We ended our discussion as his needing more time to figure out if he wants to quit using and if he can really get past this "fantasy" of being able to have an occasional drink. For the first time in my life, I am actually willing to wait and see. The old me would have just said, nope, you're using, I'm outta here. So...I feel good for two reasons:

1. WE are both willing to give this a bit more time

2. my attitude toward the whole situation. I am not obsessing, projecting, stinkin' thinkin' blah, blah, blah.

I really must thank God, Al-Anon, this message board and myself. And thanks to you for caring enough to reply. Good night.

dancingqueen

I want to update my posts from yesterday. I spoke to my A today and he told me that he spoke to his mom about our discussion last night. She listened and offered him some validation and understanding and a suggestion that he give sobriety a real try...i.e. give up BOTH the pot and the alcohol for lent. he told me this morning when we went jogging together that he is going to seek help, talk to a counselor and really try to get clean. I asked him if he felt like we needed to cool it for a while during this time. He said yes, that it would give him a better sense of doing this for himself and not for me. So, I told him that I accepted his decision and needed a time frame. After all, I will not wait for his sobriety forever. I love him and want him to get clean but I am not stupid. I do have myself to look out for (oops, only myself). He said Easter. So, I have agreed to give our relationship the next few weeks to see if he can live within my boundary. We will not be "courting" as we have been for the past 4 weeks, we will cool it. I am willing to negotiate on this thing but I am not willing to live with him while he is using. I feel like I did the right thing today but I also feel hurt and regected. It's like I really can't get past my old tape in my head that says..."if you loved me you'd quit, you'd do it MY way". Which tells me that I really have work to do on the first step. he does love me and I am powerless over alcohol. Those two things can co-exist. I never believed that before. Any insight here is appreciated. Thanks.

matters

I would like to welcome you dancingqueen!!

I am from Potsdam,NY originally. When I saw you were from Ogdensburg , I thought how neat. My best friend and I moved out here in 74. She was born in Ogdensburg. My Mom said that it warmed up to 38 the other day. I hope it is still warmer. You have had a freezing cold winter for sure!

I used to always feel that if my husband loved me and the kids then he should beable to just quit drinking and not even think about it twice. Wrong assumption!! He loves us with all his heart and soul but he has a drinking problem and It gets the better of him. He is trying not to drink by going to meetings. He does not go all the time though. When he goes everyday then he stays sober. When he stops going he drinks again. We are totally powerless over their disease! Coming here has helped me alot. Sometimes when I get home from work I just go to the boards. I work nights and when I get off he is usually passed out on the couch. Instead of coming home and getting mad about his situation and our life I turn my attention to something more positive. Prayer is a BIG help as well. We cannot help them,but we can help ourselves!

It sounds like your husband wants to make a honest effort. The boundaries that you set sound fair and what is right for you. Everyone is different in that respect. My thought and prayers are with you both!!

Take care,
matters

dancingqueen

Dear Matters,
It is very nice to meet you too! We got hammered with more snow and ice overnight, enjoy your California life style! My sister also moved to California many years ago. She loves it.

My A is struggling right now. He is bargaining and denying and trying hard to make the right decision. I have decided to pray only for the knowledge of God's will and go from there. He has decided that he will continue courting me if he stays clean. If he is using he will not waste my time by pretending to be committed to reconciliation. I think that is a big step. He is not ready to get help yet. He wants to try it his way, white knuckle his way through. I just have to be patient. What do I know? He could change his mind tomorrow and go to AA, I just have to have patience and practice my own 12 steps and tend my own garden. He knows when and how he is welcome in my garden. I think for the first time in 2 years (we have been struggling with our break up for that long and separated in July) he SEES my boundary is non-negotiable. That is a very big step.

I am now glad that I put Ogdensburg in my info, I debated over that. I recently saw the Abba musical "Mamma Mia!" It was so fabulous that I have rekindled my love of abba music and hence my handle: Dancing queen. My real name is Joan.

Thanks for your kind greeting, Matters. I feel better knowing you.

matters

Hi dancingqueen!

I love Abba and heard the musical is great. I am so glad you did put Ogdensburg. Knowing that your from my neck of the woods connects us in a way. One thing is for sure, we are not alone!!

I got an e-mail from my Mom and she told me about the ice and snow that you got. She said that she is going to stay in for two days.

It sounds like your plan is a big step and a positive one!!!
I pray that he will find strength to stay clean. The fact that he is trying is a very good sign.

Take care and many prayers to you,
matters