More calls from the other side....
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
More calls from the other side....
-Sometimes I just don’t get it. I know she doesn’t think like I do but WTF?
I got a call from the other side again and she express how she felt that I again jumped the gun with filing for divorce. In fact she pain just told me that she didn’t even want to talk about it anymore.
I informed her that it’s gone way past all that. That now the court is involved and that since she expressed not wanting to be served by some stranger, that I was giving her the opportunity to meet and having a friend give it to her.
The whole point of her calling seemed to be to tell me that she does not want this, and I don’t understand it all myself and told her.
I said it’s been 2 long years and I’m kind of on the fence post here, married-single-not knowing what I am.
That she in her time alone I know has gone through some stuff, be it good or bad, but never sharing in what it is or what she has done for herself.
That I need to know love and life again and in fact would like to have someone in my life. But in the present state, I in fact am not truly single, and either is she.
I felt from what she said that she thought I would just wait till she was done with everything she wanted to accomplish and be here on the shelf, but I cant do that.
She told me she knows that she must act now, and I’m not even sure what that meant.
Well just had to get all this out, and look at it in black and white.
I know she sounded very different this last to times, very I don’t know, sad maybe.
But I’m not sure.
I got a call from the other side again and she express how she felt that I again jumped the gun with filing for divorce. In fact she pain just told me that she didn’t even want to talk about it anymore.
I informed her that it’s gone way past all that. That now the court is involved and that since she expressed not wanting to be served by some stranger, that I was giving her the opportunity to meet and having a friend give it to her.
The whole point of her calling seemed to be to tell me that she does not want this, and I don’t understand it all myself and told her.
I said it’s been 2 long years and I’m kind of on the fence post here, married-single-not knowing what I am.
That she in her time alone I know has gone through some stuff, be it good or bad, but never sharing in what it is or what she has done for herself.
That I need to know love and life again and in fact would like to have someone in my life. But in the present state, I in fact am not truly single, and either is she.
I felt from what she said that she thought I would just wait till she was done with everything she wanted to accomplish and be here on the shelf, but I cant do that.
She told me she knows that she must act now, and I’m not even sure what that meant.
Well just had to get all this out, and look at it in black and white.
I know she sounded very different this last to times, very I don’t know, sad maybe.
But I’m not sure.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by Mr. Christian
I felt from what she said that she thought I would just wait till she was done with everything she wanted to accomplish and be here on the shelf, but I cant do that.
But, it's not about her anymore, is it? It's about 'you' and what 'you' want!
It's time to take yourself off the shelf, dust yourself off, and continue on in this thing called 'life'! And, you are doing just that!!!!
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Again, throwing the bread crumbs to you in the hope that you'll hang in there while she continues in her same mode.
Like you said...2 years. Time for you to fly solo.
Blessings
Like you said...2 years. Time for you to fly solo.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I don't take my AH's calls. I told him if he wants to call me after a year of true sobriety, to leave me a message to that effect and I'd call him back. Otherwise, I use caller ID. Though I need to complete the divorce, I am living my life as if I already have it.
** i should add the timeframe keeps increasing, too. it was six months. i suspect six months from now i'll have it increased to 2 years and so on. life moves on.
** i should add the timeframe keeps increasing, too. it was six months. i suspect six months from now i'll have it increased to 2 years and so on. life moves on.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
MR C, What is the difference if she is served papers from a stranger?? Just have them served. Then do not take any calls, then if she doesn't show they will just grant you the divorce. CASE CLOSED!
Just my suggestion, it is your life.
You have choices, continue the games and enjoy them, get the divorce and no contact, (it can be done) Be forever married and have affairs and get into another mess (Smile), move someplace and be a hermit with no phone or E-ml etc.
I love you Mr. C, and lots of ((hugs))
Just my suggestion, it is your life.
You have choices, continue the games and enjoy them, get the divorce and no contact, (it can be done) Be forever married and have affairs and get into another mess (Smile), move someplace and be a hermit with no phone or E-ml etc.
I love you Mr. C, and lots of ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
That's kind of what I thought too ngaire ....
You know it's funny, us co-de's who have not quite gotten the "jist" of recovery, but almost, tend to like this sort of drama. In some sick way, when the A comes back, in this case to say they don't want a divorce, it sort of makes us feel powerful, sort of like "gotcha, now I got your attention", sort of like "holding something over them". It may not be true, but that is the impression I get from Mr. C and his wife. NOW, he's got her full attention and right where he wants her. This game can only work with 2 players and there are 2, at least at this point.
Although he may protest and say "No, I want a life, I want love", the pull of "power over her" may still yet be something he needs to deal with.
No contact is the only way in this situation, but I don't think Mr. C is quite ready for that yet.
You know it's funny, us co-de's who have not quite gotten the "jist" of recovery, but almost, tend to like this sort of drama. In some sick way, when the A comes back, in this case to say they don't want a divorce, it sort of makes us feel powerful, sort of like "gotcha, now I got your attention", sort of like "holding something over them". It may not be true, but that is the impression I get from Mr. C and his wife. NOW, he's got her full attention and right where he wants her. This game can only work with 2 players and there are 2, at least at this point.
Although he may protest and say "No, I want a life, I want love", the pull of "power over her" may still yet be something he needs to deal with.
No contact is the only way in this situation, but I don't think Mr. C is quite ready for that yet.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Thank you all for writing.
The fact of the matter is that I want this done with, no games, no holding of anything over any ones head and no control issues here. I was not looking to get her attention, in fact I hear from her only when I have a legal issue and need her to be part of it. Crazy thing when your married we are tied together that way.
I think I covered everything, I miss anything?
All I gave her was a courtesy of doing it easy, plain and simple.
Is this what she wants? Who know! Who knows what she is thinking?
I think I just find it unbelievable after all this time for her to stall or try to stall this on any level.
My life now is much simpler without her, it’s nice. It’s not always easy, but nothing is.
The fact of the matter is that I want this done with, no games, no holding of anything over any ones head and no control issues here. I was not looking to get her attention, in fact I hear from her only when I have a legal issue and need her to be part of it. Crazy thing when your married we are tied together that way.
I think I covered everything, I miss anything?
All I gave her was a courtesy of doing it easy, plain and simple.
Is this what she wants? Who know! Who knows what she is thinking?
I think I just find it unbelievable after all this time for her to stall or try to stall this on any level.
My life now is much simpler without her, it’s nice. It’s not always easy, but nothing is.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Mr. C
See my previous post - I have NO contact with my AH and we are divorcing. Everything is done between the attorneys. It isn't a judgment - but you might want to consider why you think you need to be "courteous" to someone who has shown no courtesy to you. I'm not telling you to do it any other way, but I am proof you can do it, in California, with no contact. It makes moving forward all the easier.
In the beginning, when I was tempted to get in touch with my AH for just some of the reasons you state, I got excellent guidance from my therapist as to why that may not be a good idea. I thought a lot about what she said, and realized she was right. No contact whatsoever has worked wonders for me.
Good luck with it all.
See my previous post - I have NO contact with my AH and we are divorcing. Everything is done between the attorneys. It isn't a judgment - but you might want to consider why you think you need to be "courteous" to someone who has shown no courtesy to you. I'm not telling you to do it any other way, but I am proof you can do it, in California, with no contact. It makes moving forward all the easier.
In the beginning, when I was tempted to get in touch with my AH for just some of the reasons you state, I got excellent guidance from my therapist as to why that may not be a good idea. I thought a lot about what she said, and realized she was right. No contact whatsoever has worked wonders for me.
Good luck with it all.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Accomplish what exactly? I'd stop talking to her before she starts spinning your head around. She probably has some thoughts which she should share with a councelor, not you. She wants to continue to make bad choices without consequece. The relationship and drinking have cost you plenty. Isn't it time it cost her something?
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi Mr.C,
I was separated for 4 years before I filed for divorce. My ex did EVERYTHING to stall the divorce, didn't show up for court hearings, nothing, nothing. Used to leave crazy screaming messages on my phone which I never responded to (call display is wonderful)
My point is I had my lawyer handle it all as I knew I was dealing with a crazy person. The only contact we had was over our son and that was kept to a minimum because I had a restraining order on my ex.
You don't even have a child between you so you can do no contact if you want to. There really is no point in trying to be civil to someone who has shown you absolutely no civility themselves.
Ngaire
I was separated for 4 years before I filed for divorce. My ex did EVERYTHING to stall the divorce, didn't show up for court hearings, nothing, nothing. Used to leave crazy screaming messages on my phone which I never responded to (call display is wonderful)
My point is I had my lawyer handle it all as I knew I was dealing with a crazy person. The only contact we had was over our son and that was kept to a minimum because I had a restraining order on my ex.
You don't even have a child between you so you can do no contact if you want to. There really is no point in trying to be civil to someone who has shown you absolutely no civility themselves.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by ngaire
My ex did EVERYTHING to stall the divorce, didn't show up for court hearings, nothing, nothing.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
I think I just find it unbelievable after all this time for her to stall or try to stall this on any level
Why?
The words unbelieveable and alcoholic do not go together.
EVERYTHING is believeable from an alcoholic.
I just found that out myself last night.
Why?
The words unbelieveable and alcoholic do not go together.
EVERYTHING is believeable from an alcoholic.
I just found that out myself last night.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
All valid points taken. I do understand her way of thinking is off. With that I have always intended on moving forward and serving her if she did not respond to the easy way.
As far as using the attorneys I understand that also, but I try to use them as little as possible. I handled my BK and other money manners on my own and I’m doing this pretty much on my own also.
The underlining factor I guess is that they “A”s really can bot be trusted, sad to say.
As far as using the attorneys I understand that also, but I try to use them as little as possible. I handled my BK and other money manners on my own and I’m doing this pretty much on my own also.
The underlining factor I guess is that they “A”s really can bot be trusted, sad to say.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
The divorce means you are starting a new life of healthy living and thinking. She needs to understand that a divorce means it is over between you, this divorce was not initiated to get her attention. It means you are done conversing. She may as well start facing the truth about what a divorce is. It seem she just thinks it's a test of a wake up call. I am getting the small sense that you were happy to hear from her, is this true? If so it is all the more reason to sever contact.
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