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Old 06-30-2006, 07:37 PM
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Illegitimi Non Carborundum
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Hello

Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is GreenTea. Today I've finally admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic.

I've been arrested twice in the last week. Once for a DUI and last night for public drunkenness. I have a court date in August and another in September.

I had to post bond for both arrests -- total amount was $3,230 between the two of them. It has wiped out my savings and I don't know how I'm going to pay my July bills. My boss helped me post bond both times, accepting a wire transfer from my bank and even loaning me some money until I could repay him at the ATM machine. Today my co-worker also helped.

I haven't been fired yet, but I'm slowly giving my boss no other choice. I seem to have been on a path of self-destruction since April. I'm very scared.

I'm divorced, no kids and live alone (just me and the cat). My girlfriend moved back to her home State a few months ago. My girlfriend is very supportive and we do miss each other.

I found an AA meeting in my area. I will be joining tomorrow morning. I found this site tonight.

Basically I'm an idiot. I don't know why I've engaged in this destructive behavior, but alcohol is at the center of it. I realize now that I am powerless when it comes to alcohol use. One beer turns to two, two turns to four, and by then who cares anymore?

I'll find an excuse to go out -- see a favorite local band; work has been rough; I feel a need to have people around me -- it doesn't matter, they're all excuses, and I've admitted it to myself.

I read the book "Under The Influence" and it seemed to help for a while. But self-knowledge only carries you so far unless you actually admit you have a problem -- and I do have a problem.

I've pretty much lost all my friends. I have no money. I don't know how to regain the relationships with my boss and co-workers. I'm scared spitless right now. The thought of incarceration and loss of my job shakes me to the core. I've been homeless before (two months prior to joining the military many years ago) and I don't want to repeat that. I won't survive if I'm sent to jail.

Thoughts of suicide have crept into my mind a few months ago, but I think I'm past them now. I guess I've been acting out since then. I've really screwed myself over these past few weeks and I don't know why. I've really screwed myself over and alcohol use is at the center of it. I'm an alcoholic and I see that now. I simply can not drink "normally" and I hope I can salvage my life.

I'm scared.

I'm joining AA tommorow. Afterwards I'm going to email my boss and tell him so. Hopefully he'll see that as effort on my part to stop this behaviour and show improvement. I also have an appointment for an evaluation in a few weeks.

I'm not looking to AA to "escape" what I've done. I'm sincerely hoping it will help me. I'm planning to go to meetings throughout the week in order to help find some support as I try to eliminate alcohol from my life. I hope to find someone I can call and talk to when the craving starts again.

I've been arrested twice in a week.

I'm very scared.

Thank you for letting me share.
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Old 07-01-2006, 02:45 AM
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Welcome to SR! It's great to see you are starting to work on your recovery Congratulations!

"Under" comvinced me to quit drinking
the info on brain and liver enzymes specifically.

I also use AA and it's a great way to connect with
other alcoholics.
You can find so many awesome friends

Keep in touch with us..we care and you are not alone.
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Old 07-01-2006, 04:23 AM
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Welcome to SR Greentea, Glad you found us.I can relate to you saying once you start you carnt stop.That sounds so familier...too many im sure.

Im glad you realize it as a problem.Good Luck at the meeting,as CarolD said, you'll meet a Great Bunch of pepole just like you..!

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Old 07-01-2006, 04:26 AM
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GreenTea,
Welcome to SR!! A great place to be..congratulations on taking the first steps towards recovery..as alcoholics,(you are by no means an idiot) we can be self-destructive, but we can repair ourselves with sobriety..hope to see more posts by you..
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Old 07-01-2006, 04:34 AM
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Hello and welcome to SR! It sounds like you've done a lot of careful thinking and are on the right track, and we're certainly glad to have you visit us here!

Did you get to the meeting last night? How was it?
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Old 07-01-2006, 04:40 AM
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Welcome to SR Green Tea, I can relate to a lot of what you've said also....congrats on chosing LIFE.

Great post, I agree it looks like you've looked real hard at what addictions been doing to you...ahhh time for FREEDOM from this beast.

Wishing you all the best in your journey to sobriety....

here's to building up strength.
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Old 07-01-2006, 04:53 AM
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Welcome Greentea, you are at the beginning of a great journey that we are all on together. We have all made horrible decisions that have devastated our lives in one way or another. I was never arrested, but I came close to being arrested with an amount of a particular substance that would have guaranteed my incarceration for many years. The experience was so harrowing that it caused me to step back and say "What exactly are you doing? What in the world do you have to gain? What do you have to lose?" These fundamental questions I have to ask myself from time to time.

I commend you on your decision to seek help in AA. I myself have been attending AA, and the stories of hope and the experience of others in recovery is awe inspiring to me. I love being able to see people go through the worst in life and come out so full of hope and desire to live. You will find the answers you are looking for and become a better person.

Best of luck,
Chris
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Old 07-01-2006, 05:17 AM
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Hi GreenTea,
Your name caught my attention. Your words compel me to respond.
Originally Posted by GreenTea
I'm not looking to AA to "escape" what I've done. I'm sincerely hoping it will help me. I'm planning to go to meetings throughout the week in order to help find some support as I try to eliminate alcohol from my life. I hope to find someone I can call and talk to when the craving starts again.
Isolation is a component of addiction that both rises from the addiction AND allows it to continue unabated. Very good you're reaching out to connect. Left alone, to your own devices, you're stumbling blind and stuck in a loop. Outside perspective in necessary to get outside your own best thinking, to find ways around it. So good you're here.

I hear that you're scared, both of the consequences of your actions, and your addiction. Neither is insurmountable. You can begin change today, every day is another opportunity, and that provides the necessary hope we need to progress in a positive direction. Your court dates will go FAR BETTER if you have no further arrests and are taking action toward the positive change before then. AA is an ideal place for you to begin. It's nothing to do with "escape". On the contrary, it's all about finding connections, to others, and to self. No more running. No more excuses. No more living in the horrors of addiction. There is hope.

When I found this site I was on the edge of hopelessness, set to give up and give in to the addict-thinking that consumed me. But this element of hope, knowing that change toward the positive IS possible, NOT alone but rather ENGAGING WITH others, provides the foothold we need to be able to continue walking forward. The firmer grounding you have, the more trust you have that it can and does work, so you take another step forward, and then another...

You know that in the dark of your own mind you're not going anywhere but sinking down into the bog. Know you're NOT an idiot, you're an addict in need of help. That's why we're all here. You're in good company here, and we're not idiots either, rather we're addicts, just like you. Looking for ways out of our own self-destructive behaviors and mindsets. Read posts across the boards, you'll see recovery IS possible, a better life IS within your grasp, you need not live trapped by your addict-thinking brain. There is another side, and there is HOPE. You've already achieved some necessary insights to begin the necessary changes, there is self-awareness in you about your addiction, and the desire to change. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are all that's necessary to get involved in AA/ NA, so to find the tools and help (outside perspective) you need. And know we're here too. Wishing you well...
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Old 07-01-2006, 08:10 AM
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Hey Green Tea,

We have all been where you are at, feeling scared, lonely and like we have caused our world to cave in on us. One positive thing to hold onto, your boss obviously thinks highly of you or wouldn't have assisted with bail and stuff. Maybe say thank you and look to your boss as a possible source of support. Same for your co worker.

In terms of AA, it will not provide you an escape, there you will be asked to really take responsibility for what you have done and be accountable. That's the nature of the steps.

I know that my world fell in like yours and I even had passing thoughts of suicide. Don't give in to that depression, there is all sorts of help out there for it and you have so much to live for.

My thoughts are with you and good luck. Most importantly, welcome, thank you for sharing and being here.

Peace, Levi.
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Old 07-01-2006, 09:40 AM
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Thank you all for the caring responses and perspective. I'm screaming out for help and you guys are embracing me rather than pushing me away. That's not something I'm used to.

Thank you.

I went this morning and I'm glad I did. I have a temporary sponsor and about two dozen other phone numbers. I've got some reading to do and then I'm supposed to call my sponsor later. I'll be going to another meeting later tonight.

If I would have tried this ten years ago I would have had a lot of mental reservations and would have been looking for reasons why I don't belong there. That isn't the case today. I definitely see the commonality and the willingness on everyone's part to be truly supportive. As I said, I'm glad I went and I will be going back again. Ninety meetings in ninety days is what my sponsor set as a goal and I intend to meet that goal.

After the meeting I called my boss to let him know. His reaction was good. I also left a message for my co-worker in addition to some messages for other people. I also called my lawyer and left him a message to let him know.

This is truly voluntary on my part. No one told me to go, no one suggested it, (they even asked if I needed to have something signed for a judge and I didn't). Its truly voluntary on my part, and I think that may make a big difference in my attitude towards the whole thing. I'm not just paying lip service. I'm genuine in my desire.

"Once you start you can't stop -- one is too many and a keg isn't enough". It helps to know that others have experienced the same thing, that it isn't just me who experiences this nightmare. And it is a nightmare.

The concept of an addictive or alcoholic mindset is new me, or rather my awareness and acceptance of it is new to me I guess. I think I'm starting to understand a little better how those thought processes work. I'm starting to realize just how much of my time I've been spending thinking about drinking, whether its the anguish that comes from it, or the self-cons that enable it.

I've quit drinking more times than I can count. I think this may be the first time I've instead decided to start living.

Thank you again for your supportiveness.
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Old 07-01-2006, 10:01 AM
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Take a notebook and have it signed at each meeting.

It may come in handy later on and it's no big deal

Take care...
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Old 07-01-2006, 10:14 AM
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Welcome to SR Greentea!

I'm so glad you found this place as it's a great supplimental source of support.

I relate a lot to your initial fears. I was so afraid when I finally admitted to my alcoholism. It is a scary thing. Big time. But look at you... you are on the right path now. Not everyone who ends up an alcoholic can come to that realization. You have. So now you are doing something about it. That takes courage and tells of an internal spirit that you may not even know you have yet. You can do this and you don't have to do it alone.

So welcome!

Suga
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Old 07-01-2006, 10:56 AM
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Interesting how important it is to be able to relate to others, to know you're not some freak unique case, that your experience is shared by others and that recovery is possible. Therein we learn trust and hope and find that necessary foothold to begin walking a different path than the familiar one we know all too well. So good to see your willingness in walking this new direction. That opening chapter of the NA basic text is POWERFUL, instructive, letting you know you're not alone, and neither can you recover alone. Yet NO-ONE can force you to do anything you're not willing to do for yourself. As much as we have to rely on and trust others, without willingness nothing we read or hear will do any good. You wouldn't want to be FORCED into compliance anyway. I hear you that you're genuine, and I believe you.

I'm very much like you that way, if I'm forced into anything my SOLE FOCUS becomes getting out of it. I'm not being forced to get off these drugs that so consume me for any other reason than my own desire to stop being so consumed by these drugs that so consume me. You do have "extra motivation" in your arrests and court dates and the consequences, though as you're WELL AWARE, even threat of incarceration or restricted freedoms won't stop someone who wants to use.

You don't have to live in the nightmare of addiction. You can wake up. Some of us need a good firm shaking awake to rouse us from our slumber. Everything you can do to jolt yourself into awareness is to your benefit. I'm so happy to see you're allowing others in to your head to help shake you awake. It's quite spectacular how far one can see once they open up their eyes.

I see a lot of hopeful potential in you to get beyond active addiction. Post on!
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Old 07-01-2006, 02:20 PM
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((((Green Tea)))) Welcome to SR! Glad you found us. Thank you for your honesty. I truly beilieve that if you can keep that up, you will be able to do whatever you want to do. For me, honesty is the key to keeping my recovery.

I think Carol's advice about the notebook is good advice. It certainly can't hurt and people will be happy to sign for you.

Hope you will stick around!
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Old 07-01-2006, 07:44 PM
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...The importance of relating to others... I've been mainly a loner my whole life. The details of the contributing factors don't matter at this point. What does matter is that the older I get, the more I see how much I actually do need other people. I don't mean so much for the workings of this machine we call society. I mean in order to be a person. At the meeting tonight my eyes kept being drawn to the big placard on the desk which says "You Are Not Alone". It means a lot to me -- I'm still learning just how much.

I'm following the advice of my temporary sponsor. I got off the phone with him a little while ago. He says he's proud of me.

I took your suggestion about a notebook and stopped off on the way home tonight to pick one up. I'm using it as a log -- date, time, place and a short personal summary of some things I took away from the meeting.

Something I didn't mention yet was that about three weeks ago I was also pulled over coming home late one night (early morning). The officer thought I was racing and trying to elude him. I wasn't but that doesn't matter. We talked for a bit and he eventually let me walk home.

When he first stopped me, he rushed out of his car, pistol drawn, finger on the trigger and aimed right at my heart. I stood there with my hands up, and I remember thinking "You know, this would just be so easy right now". What do they call that, "suicide by police"? It shook me up. But I guess that only lasted about a week or so. I wish it had shook me up enough that I would have started with AA then, instead of me waiting for the subsequent arrests. Stupid me.

The theme of tonight's meeting seemed to be gratitude. Part of my log entry says "I'm grateful that I wasn't shot, that I didn't hurt anyone or anything, that I didn't hurt myself, that I have a boss who's been so utterly patient with me, and that for the first time in my life, I believe I don't have any denial issues to overcome".

I think its that lack of denial issues that's helping so much at this point. Without that obstacle to overcome, my desire to actually get better is coming through.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 07-01-2006, 07:54 PM
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Welcome GT. In reading your thread what strikes me is the sadness I feel. The sadness that comes from alcoholism and how it ruins lives. I allowed alcohol to ruin my life and take me to the bottom emotionally, physically and mentally.

You can rise above and you are on the right path in doing so. You can repair the damage and thrive even further then you ever imagined possible. Never give up hope. You can be set free from the grips of alcoholism. It is your choice and you are taking action now. Keep it up. You and those around you will surely reap the benefits.
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Old 07-01-2006, 08:02 PM
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Hi Green Tea!

Just want to tell you that it's going to be okay. I was not scared but terrified.. and it was what kept me from quitting for years.. but I did it and so can you. Glad your going to give it a try. Work it hard and lean on those who are still making it sober.
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Old 07-02-2006, 04:50 AM
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Interconnectedness. We're all part of the Whole. Humans are social beings. We're human. And interdependent. Independent loner-types though some of us may be. It's a cornerstone of recovery, getting outside the confines of your own head, your own best thinking, to allow external input to enter in. So to receive the benefits of interconnection, so to know you're not alone in this. Really GreenTea, your honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness, inspire ME. I've been at this awhile now, and still so resistant to open up to others, follow the direction/ directive of others, trust others...while knowing the extreme relevance of doing so, otherwise we stumble blind through unfamiliar territory, as we try to move away from the old familiar habits of which we're accustomed (escape, evading, avoiding, isolation, deception, denial, etc.), toward recovery of mind and self and life itself.

You really have a lot to offer, and a lot to gain through sobriety and recovery. Very good to see you here.
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Old 07-02-2006, 05:12 AM
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Good day, GT! Glad to hear you got to the meeting. You've got great courage in telling your boss, lawyer and co-worker - much admiration, here! Hopefully that will convert them from possible hazards to potential sources of support. You're off to a wonderful start, and it certainly sounds like you're a determined (and very well-organized left brain-type) person Keep us posted, we'll help you every day!
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Old 07-02-2006, 06:20 AM
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your honesty and willingness is amazing and inspirational.
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