My son has drink and drug problems..just found out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: folkestone, kent
Posts: 25
My son has drink and drug problems..just found out.
I just got an email from my son who is 26, telling me that since aged 17 he has had alcohol and drug dependancy problems and I had no idea at all.
He went to live with his father when he was 17. His grandmother tried to poison his mind against me...for some time he wouldn't speak to me, though I had done nothing wrong, apart from being poor...which, to his grandparents is a sin itself...and at 19 he went to university upon my insistence and incurred a lot of student debt, then moved to LA from the UK to study music. He always seemed happy and cheerful and kept very fit and healthy. I really had no idea about his problems until today. I thought he was a very determined and strong young man with ambitions and a very spiritual one too, always reading books on some spritual practice or another and discussing them with me.
He came back from LA in April this year,but yearned to return so that he could attend auditions. I gave him all my savings so that he could do that. He's been staying with a middle-aged married couple out there who were family freinds from a long time ago, but he is soon moving out and sharing a flat with a young friend he made at the music school.
His email was full of hate towards me and his father, informing us that he would not be having any further contact with us and blaming us for his problems, pointing out incidents that occurred over the past ten years. He seems to have forgotten the good times, and is focussed entirely on the negative and on all the mistakes his father and I made.
I replied that nobody is perfect and that we are guilty as charged, we all make mistakes. But we both love him and have tried to do our best for him...which we have. His father pays off his student debts each month and I send him money for clothes, on top of the few thousand dollars I gave him to go back to LA with.
I was shocked to read about his alcohol and drug problems and read all that anger and resentment.....I suggested he check out the AA and NA meetings over in LA. I also told him that if he didn't want anything further to do with me, then I wished him well and I loved him nevertheless.
Oh my God...this really hurts like hell. I feel so bad, please help me.
He went to live with his father when he was 17. His grandmother tried to poison his mind against me...for some time he wouldn't speak to me, though I had done nothing wrong, apart from being poor...which, to his grandparents is a sin itself...and at 19 he went to university upon my insistence and incurred a lot of student debt, then moved to LA from the UK to study music. He always seemed happy and cheerful and kept very fit and healthy. I really had no idea about his problems until today. I thought he was a very determined and strong young man with ambitions and a very spiritual one too, always reading books on some spritual practice or another and discussing them with me.
He came back from LA in April this year,but yearned to return so that he could attend auditions. I gave him all my savings so that he could do that. He's been staying with a middle-aged married couple out there who were family freinds from a long time ago, but he is soon moving out and sharing a flat with a young friend he made at the music school.
His email was full of hate towards me and his father, informing us that he would not be having any further contact with us and blaming us for his problems, pointing out incidents that occurred over the past ten years. He seems to have forgotten the good times, and is focussed entirely on the negative and on all the mistakes his father and I made.
I replied that nobody is perfect and that we are guilty as charged, we all make mistakes. But we both love him and have tried to do our best for him...which we have. His father pays off his student debts each month and I send him money for clothes, on top of the few thousand dollars I gave him to go back to LA with.
I was shocked to read about his alcohol and drug problems and read all that anger and resentment.....I suggested he check out the AA and NA meetings over in LA. I also told him that if he didn't want anything further to do with me, then I wished him well and I loved him nevertheless.
Oh my God...this really hurts like hell. I feel so bad, please help me.
Living and Loving.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
Whiston, I am so sorry.
I think the first thing you really need to "get" is that you didn't cause his alcoholism or his drug problems. Speaking as an alcoholic... Alcoholics and users can rationalize every and any excuse to lay the blame for our problems upon everyone elses doorstep but our own. He is saying things that even if he believes them are not true. It is his disease and addictions talking. He won't get any better until he is ready to get better. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.
Keep posting... people will respond who have gone through similar experiences. You came to the right place for help.
Suga
I think the first thing you really need to "get" is that you didn't cause his alcoholism or his drug problems. Speaking as an alcoholic... Alcoholics and users can rationalize every and any excuse to lay the blame for our problems upon everyone elses doorstep but our own. He is saying things that even if he believes them are not true. It is his disease and addictions talking. He won't get any better until he is ready to get better. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.
Keep posting... people will respond who have gone through similar experiences. You came to the right place for help.
Suga
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
My heart goes out to you, whiston... What horrible news to receive.
It sounds like you did what I only hope I could do in the same situation: you replied in a kind and gentle way, accepting what part you may have played in this family disease, giving positive suggestions toward recovery options and offering to step back if that is what will be most helpful---and most importantly, sending the message that you love him unconditionally.
I can only imagine the pain you're now feeling. You're doing the right thing by reaching out.
Keep sharing. It's gets the poison out...
It sounds like you did what I only hope I could do in the same situation: you replied in a kind and gentle way, accepting what part you may have played in this family disease, giving positive suggestions toward recovery options and offering to step back if that is what will be most helpful---and most importantly, sending the message that you love him unconditionally.
I can only imagine the pain you're now feeling. You're doing the right thing by reaching out.
Keep sharing. It's gets the poison out...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: N Ireland
Posts: 42
Please don't blame yourself. You are a brilliant mom, who loves your son very much. My wee man is 10, and i worry about the future for him! you have nothing to berate yourself for, just be there for him when he needs you! He,s lucky to have a mom like you! x
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Wonderful job in the way you handled the situation.... and Im so sorry you have to go through this.
My daughter does not use drugs but a couple of years ago she did the same thing to me, told me what a horrible parent I was, that she did not want to live with me (she was 13) and how I had messed up her life. She ended up going to live with her father for a year...
At the time it RIPED my heart out, I could not believe she was doing this ... I told her I was sorry for my part ... that I did the best that I could and that I loved her. Unfortunally there was alot of fighting and I did not handle it as well as you did. I set the boundry with her then that if she went to live with her father and decided she wanted to come back home she would have no choice but to stay there the school year.
In the end she wanted to come home in 3 months.... I did stick to my boundries and she stayed the year... we are good today but I still remember that feeling and know how much that hurts.
Hang out with us and keep posting, remember that is not your son talking its his disease so dont take it personally.
My daughter does not use drugs but a couple of years ago she did the same thing to me, told me what a horrible parent I was, that she did not want to live with me (she was 13) and how I had messed up her life. She ended up going to live with her father for a year...
At the time it RIPED my heart out, I could not believe she was doing this ... I told her I was sorry for my part ... that I did the best that I could and that I loved her. Unfortunally there was alot of fighting and I did not handle it as well as you did. I set the boundry with her then that if she went to live with her father and decided she wanted to come back home she would have no choice but to stay there the school year.
In the end she wanted to come home in 3 months.... I did stick to my boundries and she stayed the year... we are good today but I still remember that feeling and know how much that hurts.
Hang out with us and keep posting, remember that is not your son talking its his disease so dont take it personally.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
My daughter is the alcoholic in my life, so I can understand the depth of your pain. Mothers have a hard time with this, especially with detaching and setting healthy boundaries - it's very hard to do when the alcoholic is your own child.
You should remember that if someone has been using and drinking for a long time, it does things to their attitude and outlook on life. It sounds like he is in so much pain right now that he is lashing out at the most convenient targets - his parents.
Someday, when he gets into recovery and is healthier, he will be able to take responsibility for his own actions and feelings instead of placing the blame on others. ... but in the meantime, you are left to deal with your own feelings.
God bless.
Keep coming back here. You will find a lot of strength and hope here.
You should remember that if someone has been using and drinking for a long time, it does things to their attitude and outlook on life. It sounds like he is in so much pain right now that he is lashing out at the most convenient targets - his parents.
Someday, when he gets into recovery and is healthier, he will be able to take responsibility for his own actions and feelings instead of placing the blame on others. ... but in the meantime, you are left to deal with your own feelings.
God bless.
Keep coming back here. You will find a lot of strength and hope here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Dear Whiston,
Wow, that is tough! I'm so sorry you have to deal with so much pain.
I just went through something sort of similar with my 26 year old daughter. She is experiencing mental illness, not drinking or drug problems, but the words of hate and anger and blaming were almost identical to what your son presented you with.
It hurts. Really alot.
But, I promise you, its not true. And, truth always becomes self evident. Usually, after a barrage of verbal or written negativity, the kid feels zero satisfaction. Its part of a cycle. He is probably filled with remorse and shame for what he said. But, it may happen repeatedly until he gets nowhere with terrorizing you this way.
You did exactly the right thing. You were right not to reason or argue or try to convince him of your view of things. Dont take any of it true or personally, either.
Although many of his problems MAY have your name on them, ALL of his solutions will have HIS name on them.
I would detach and try to return to an open minded state, keeping in mind that you must take care of yourself, and allow him the space he needs to correct himself. Give it time, and love from a distance.
((((hugs))))
Wow, that is tough! I'm so sorry you have to deal with so much pain.
I just went through something sort of similar with my 26 year old daughter. She is experiencing mental illness, not drinking or drug problems, but the words of hate and anger and blaming were almost identical to what your son presented you with.
It hurts. Really alot.
But, I promise you, its not true. And, truth always becomes self evident. Usually, after a barrage of verbal or written negativity, the kid feels zero satisfaction. Its part of a cycle. He is probably filled with remorse and shame for what he said. But, it may happen repeatedly until he gets nowhere with terrorizing you this way.
You did exactly the right thing. You were right not to reason or argue or try to convince him of your view of things. Dont take any of it true or personally, either.
Although many of his problems MAY have your name on them, ALL of his solutions will have HIS name on them.
I would detach and try to return to an open minded state, keeping in mind that you must take care of yourself, and allow him the space he needs to correct himself. Give it time, and love from a distance.
((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by miss communicat
Although many of his problems MAY have your name on them, ALL of his solutions will have HIS name on them.
Thanks for this one, MC.
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: folkestone, kent
Posts: 25
Thank you all for taking the trouble to reply. I got up this morning feeling awful, as expected, but I intend to stay strong, do my job and carry on with my life. I have spoken to my son's father and we have both agreed not to contact our son or give him any further financial help. We're not cutting him off but we have to let him know that we are not supporting his addictions. It's tough and I feel like a complete failure, can't help it.
When he was here just two weeks ago, we went for some long walks together, ate healthy food, no alcohol. We talked a lot and discussed things. There was no sign of any addiction. In fact he said that his friends and young people in the UK abuse alcohol...they all drink heavily and he finds it boring that they just want to go out and get drunk all the time. He said his health was important to him.
One thing I did notice though, he always wanted to drive back to London whenever he came down to see me. He would never stay the night...always some excuse to go back and come down again the next day. I didn't understand why, but of course I do now. That's when he used.
I am sure this will get better. It's out in the open now, not lurking in the darkness. He will suffer until he's ready to get the help he needs. In the meantime, I shall be going to Al-anon for some support and shall keep reading posts here, which is a great source of help.
Thanks everyone.
When he was here just two weeks ago, we went for some long walks together, ate healthy food, no alcohol. We talked a lot and discussed things. There was no sign of any addiction. In fact he said that his friends and young people in the UK abuse alcohol...they all drink heavily and he finds it boring that they just want to go out and get drunk all the time. He said his health was important to him.
One thing I did notice though, he always wanted to drive back to London whenever he came down to see me. He would never stay the night...always some excuse to go back and come down again the next day. I didn't understand why, but of course I do now. That's when he used.
I am sure this will get better. It's out in the open now, not lurking in the darkness. He will suffer until he's ready to get the help he needs. In the meantime, I shall be going to Al-anon for some support and shall keep reading posts here, which is a great source of help.
Thanks everyone.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
I hopped right to a response before I forgot so if I repeat anything anyone said, please forgive me.
My son is a 26 year old recovering alcoholic and a musician too. Tough tough life it is.
You're at the stage we were when our son admitted to his alcoholism. Lots and lots of anger on his part and fear on our part.
I did lots of therapy and alanon. I did take the blame for a lot of his problems because he grew up in an alcoholic home with dad being the alcoholic...now recovering also.
I kicked myself in the arse for years and finally learned that I needed to forgive myself because, I too was sick during that period of time. What transpired between him and his grandparents is unfortunate. But know you're not to blame. We also continued to pay for his education and kept his health insurance up to date.
But we grew. We forgave ourselves for what we'd done to him and how it affected his life. We than took our lives back. We literally let go and let God. We stopped paying for his education (still in debt and will be for several years to come), stopped paying his car insurance and lots of others things. It was time for him to take responsibility for his actions and not come running back to us when he was in need of medical care or money.
He will be angry for a while, as was our son. He'd go for months not contacting us than would call and act as if life was normal. We knew better. I'd lived through it with Dad. And Dad got an education of what it's like being on the other end of alcoholism.
Please seek help for yourself and his Dad. Please find alanon meetings and learn the ins and outs of alcoholism and drug addiction. Get better informed and start working on yourselves.
As to your boy...Offer him encouragement and tell him you love him no matter what. Let him know he can get through this. Tell him about my son if you must. He didn't start drinking until he went off to music college at the age of 18.
There is always hope. Never doubt that.
You're in my prayers.
My son is a 26 year old recovering alcoholic and a musician too. Tough tough life it is.
You're at the stage we were when our son admitted to his alcoholism. Lots and lots of anger on his part and fear on our part.
I did lots of therapy and alanon. I did take the blame for a lot of his problems because he grew up in an alcoholic home with dad being the alcoholic...now recovering also.
I kicked myself in the arse for years and finally learned that I needed to forgive myself because, I too was sick during that period of time. What transpired between him and his grandparents is unfortunate. But know you're not to blame. We also continued to pay for his education and kept his health insurance up to date.
But we grew. We forgave ourselves for what we'd done to him and how it affected his life. We than took our lives back. We literally let go and let God. We stopped paying for his education (still in debt and will be for several years to come), stopped paying his car insurance and lots of others things. It was time for him to take responsibility for his actions and not come running back to us when he was in need of medical care or money.
He will be angry for a while, as was our son. He'd go for months not contacting us than would call and act as if life was normal. We knew better. I'd lived through it with Dad. And Dad got an education of what it's like being on the other end of alcoholism.
Please seek help for yourself and his Dad. Please find alanon meetings and learn the ins and outs of alcoholism and drug addiction. Get better informed and start working on yourselves.
As to your boy...Offer him encouragement and tell him you love him no matter what. Let him know he can get through this. Tell him about my son if you must. He didn't start drinking until he went off to music college at the age of 18.
There is always hope. Never doubt that.
You're in my prayers.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Alcohol, drugs= anger, they equal blame on someone else, they equal excuses for why they are addicted...it is the mantra of an addicted person.
I am sure you were a good mom, a loving caring mom...it is the disease talking not your son.
Be kind to yourself, get help for you, gain knowledge.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Dolly
I am sure you were a good mom, a loving caring mom...it is the disease talking not your son.
Be kind to yourself, get help for you, gain knowledge.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Dolly
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