Does your AH's family hurt or help?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: crown point
Posts: 66
Does your AH's family hurt or help?
ABF is 41 and has lived with his parents on and off for years. When he's in trouble that's where he goes. They pay his bills, get him out of trouble and then pour him a nice strong drink. In fact 4 out of their 5 kids are living with them as of now. The youngest is 26. And they party like rock stars every chance they get.
For the last 6 months of our relationship I wouldn't even attend family functions at their house because ABF would get so drunk he would pass out in my car on the 10 minute ride home. Then I would leave him in the car until he woke up on his own. I'm sure the neighbors got a big kick out of it.
ONE time I called his family for help. It was the one and ONLY time. We were at a wedding and he was making a scene. He left completely wasted in my car. I was terrified that he would get in a wreck so I called his dad for help. His dad point blank said"what do you want me to do?"
Can they not see what is happening? Is it denial? ABF's mother just burried her brother last month. He did of alcoholism. He lost his wife, kids and then EVERYTHING else that he owned. He was 52 and everyone had to chip in for his funeral because he literally had nothing. He died alone and in bed. Then after it was all over she had the nerve to say that they actually never determined that it was the alcoholism that killed him.
So I guess they will stand for ABF to be a permanent fixture passed out on their couch. I'll will never understand.
For the last 6 months of our relationship I wouldn't even attend family functions at their house because ABF would get so drunk he would pass out in my car on the 10 minute ride home. Then I would leave him in the car until he woke up on his own. I'm sure the neighbors got a big kick out of it.
ONE time I called his family for help. It was the one and ONLY time. We were at a wedding and he was making a scene. He left completely wasted in my car. I was terrified that he would get in a wreck so I called his dad for help. His dad point blank said"what do you want me to do?"
Can they not see what is happening? Is it denial? ABF's mother just burried her brother last month. He did of alcoholism. He lost his wife, kids and then EVERYTHING else that he owned. He was 52 and everyone had to chip in for his funeral because he literally had nothing. He died alone and in bed. Then after it was all over she had the nerve to say that they actually never determined that it was the alcoholism that killed him.
So I guess they will stand for ABF to be a permanent fixture passed out on their couch. I'll will never understand.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
No you probably will never understand. The reason you'll never understand is because it doens't make sense.To understand it, you'd have to be living like they do. Therer will be an equal number of people who don't understand why you stay with him. You are getting a picture of your future in 3-D.
Holding The Father's Hand
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Oregon
Posts: 96
My AH's family believe all of his lies even when they are completely farfetched. Thankfully, they won't let him live with them anymore, but they keep loaning him money and come and pick him up whenever he calls them.
Unfortunately, some of the lies he has told is that I'm physically abusive, and they believe it.
Unfortunately, some of the lies he has told is that I'm physically abusive, and they believe it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
His family pays little attention to him, occasional phonecalls back and forth, and the communication is superficial. Not just with him, they're all like that or out of touch. None of them really communicates well imo-- and he's the worst so it doesn't seem like they really know him or understand the nature of his addictions.
They don't really mind his drinking because:
1. they don't see the problems it causes daily (like missing work, "isolating")
2. they see his drinking as preferable to his former crack addiction, so any relapse is met with "oh so you made a mistake" and then they wonder why I make such a big deal over it (his brother, anyway)
3. they are not aware that his pattern is as follows- the more he drinks, the more he thinks about picking up drugs again. (drinking leads to pot leads to coke... which will eventually lead back to crack)
They don't really mind his drinking because:
1. they don't see the problems it causes daily (like missing work, "isolating")
2. they see his drinking as preferable to his former crack addiction, so any relapse is met with "oh so you made a mistake" and then they wonder why I make such a big deal over it (his brother, anyway)
3. they are not aware that his pattern is as follows- the more he drinks, the more he thinks about picking up drugs again. (drinking leads to pot leads to coke... which will eventually lead back to crack)
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Trying to understand someone else's thinking will get me into a merry-go-round of craziness. . . especially if that person is unhealthy. Which is sounds like his family is very unhealthy.
Try taking the focus off of them and put it back on you. Take care of you - relaxing bath, long walks in the park, read a good book, watch a funny movie, go to an Al-Anon meeting - take care of you.
That's the best thing I can do when I start trying to understand my crazy family or in-laws,
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
Try taking the focus off of them and put it back on you. Take care of you - relaxing bath, long walks in the park, read a good book, watch a funny movie, go to an Al-Anon meeting - take care of you.
That's the best thing I can do when I start trying to understand my crazy family or in-laws,
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
There are many roles that the people around the addict play. There is a "Sticky" post about this on the top of the forum above our posts we make, you may want to read them.
One of the roles is that of the enabler. Sounds to me like his parents are enabling - and when we enable, we get something out of that role (just as we do the other roles that we may participate in).
Ah's parents are Enablers. I tried to talk to them ONCE about this - I'll never do it again!!! I barely got any words out - didn't even get close to making a point - when I was shut down real quick and real hard by Ah's Dad. Ironically, Ah's Dad was a big drinker and whatnot back in the day before he found God and changed his life. But I still see some of that "attitude" - perhaps a bit of the so-called dry drunk symptoms.
Regardless....Ah's parents will continue to live in their world of denial and enable their son. They love him, they support him, and they don't know they are doing anything wrong in what they do.
They say that addicts will move on to find new enablers. I believe that Ah moved from his parents to marrying me. Then back to his parents. He moved out of their, made a huge mess of his life, moved back in with them. Falling back on the Enabling of his parents as well as their denial. He wanted to move back in with me, claims he still wants us back together - but then again - I used to be the biggest enabler of all time. Of course he wants me back - I made his life easy!
Until the addict runs out of enablers and has the opportunity to crash to their bottom and strive for recovery - this is simply just how it's going to be. In my opinion.
One of the roles is that of the enabler. Sounds to me like his parents are enabling - and when we enable, we get something out of that role (just as we do the other roles that we may participate in).
Ah's parents are Enablers. I tried to talk to them ONCE about this - I'll never do it again!!! I barely got any words out - didn't even get close to making a point - when I was shut down real quick and real hard by Ah's Dad. Ironically, Ah's Dad was a big drinker and whatnot back in the day before he found God and changed his life. But I still see some of that "attitude" - perhaps a bit of the so-called dry drunk symptoms.
Regardless....Ah's parents will continue to live in their world of denial and enable their son. They love him, they support him, and they don't know they are doing anything wrong in what they do.
They say that addicts will move on to find new enablers. I believe that Ah moved from his parents to marrying me. Then back to his parents. He moved out of their, made a huge mess of his life, moved back in with them. Falling back on the Enabling of his parents as well as their denial. He wanted to move back in with me, claims he still wants us back together - but then again - I used to be the biggest enabler of all time. Of course he wants me back - I made his life easy!
Until the addict runs out of enablers and has the opportunity to crash to their bottom and strive for recovery - this is simply just how it's going to be. In my opinion.
Followtheyellowbrickroad
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Staples, MN
Posts: 104
My AH's family feeds his addiction. They are all heavy drinkers/alcoholics, some are perscription pain killer addicts. They are all there for him when he falls to pick him back up or pat him on the back and say "Poor baby...) when something went wrong with us which permanently made me the bad guy. It got to be that his mother, whom I thought I was close to, stopped calling. I got the feeling that they viewed me as the big bad wolf in the marriage.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Nowhere TX
Posts: 60
I suppose I'm lucky. My AH's family flat out told him he wasn't welcome back until he sobered up and he'd lose his family if he kept on the path he was on. But then it's a long and convulted story. My inlaws are my aunt/cousins in law who helped raise my AH after his A grandfather raised him then died of alcoholism. let's just say he has a rather difficult childhood, but lots do.
Great people. They helped him find rehab in January when he left here, but he dind't stay sober. Through it all, I dind't contact them until I absolutely had to about two weeks ago. They weren't surprised. In fact, I've a feeling they know more about this all than I do. Strangely enough, in terms of the path I'm taking: divorcing him, they're more supportive than my own family. Emotionally wise. I mean, mine are supportive, but I still get the: Why are you being so hasty? Can't you just wait a bit? sigh.
So anyway, in that, my inlaws aren't strangers to the destruction of this disease and know about detatching and letting him make and lie in his own bed. Hard, hard thing to do. I have to say, I'm proud of them.
It still sucks all the way around though.
FA
Great people. They helped him find rehab in January when he left here, but he dind't stay sober. Through it all, I dind't contact them until I absolutely had to about two weeks ago. They weren't surprised. In fact, I've a feeling they know more about this all than I do. Strangely enough, in terms of the path I'm taking: divorcing him, they're more supportive than my own family. Emotionally wise. I mean, mine are supportive, but I still get the: Why are you being so hasty? Can't you just wait a bit? sigh.
So anyway, in that, my inlaws aren't strangers to the destruction of this disease and know about detatching and letting him make and lie in his own bed. Hard, hard thing to do. I have to say, I'm proud of them.
It still sucks all the way around though.
FA
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
