Dealing with their anger!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Dealing with their anger!
I hate the weekends! It just means more time for him to drink and then turn into an obnoxious, berating, juvenile jerk. He verbally attacked me the whole way home from the Club and then expected me to fix him a meal. After him screaming at me for 20 minutes about what a worthless, lazy b**ch I am, I went elsewhere to sleep for the night. I wasn't going to hang around to see if this mad dog was going to bite me.
So...what does he do? He immediately starts calling MY family members to make it appear to them that HE is the injured party here. Then the next day he says that he is not speaking to me because [B]I [B] got my family involved. Excuse me! Who called them? It is like living with a time bomb every time he gets drunk. He lies! He lies! He lies! He dreams up things to make me look like a terrible person.
I live Al-anon. I've been in counseling. I've been hospitalized twice for major clinical depression. When I left him the last time, he begged me to come back. He said he had gone for counseling and had anger management classes. Three sessions DID NOT help. I am a fool....I came back! Honestly, I hated being alone. So does that mean I'm using him?
I have beaten cancer and still struggle with MS. I am not working, because my doctor told me to file for disability. But now, I am financially dependent on him to pay the bills ONLY. He does not give me any money and he has chores for me to do every day. I have all the duties of a wife, but none of the benefits. I buy the food, cook, clean, and cut the grass. I am exhausted by the end of the day because of the MS. I know that if I don't keep up with his demands, he will either verbally attack me or throw me out AGAIN!
I don't know what I want anyone to say. I can't talk to him, because everything is my fault....according to him.
How do we learn to live without them, especially when we don't have any income and have difficulty working a full-time job due to health problems?
So...what does he do? He immediately starts calling MY family members to make it appear to them that HE is the injured party here. Then the next day he says that he is not speaking to me because [B]I [B] got my family involved. Excuse me! Who called them? It is like living with a time bomb every time he gets drunk. He lies! He lies! He lies! He dreams up things to make me look like a terrible person.
I live Al-anon. I've been in counseling. I've been hospitalized twice for major clinical depression. When I left him the last time, he begged me to come back. He said he had gone for counseling and had anger management classes. Three sessions DID NOT help. I am a fool....I came back! Honestly, I hated being alone. So does that mean I'm using him?
I have beaten cancer and still struggle with MS. I am not working, because my doctor told me to file for disability. But now, I am financially dependent on him to pay the bills ONLY. He does not give me any money and he has chores for me to do every day. I have all the duties of a wife, but none of the benefits. I buy the food, cook, clean, and cut the grass. I am exhausted by the end of the day because of the MS. I know that if I don't keep up with his demands, he will either verbally attack me or throw me out AGAIN!
I don't know what I want anyone to say. I can't talk to him, because everything is my fault....according to him.
How do we learn to live without them, especially when we don't have any income and have difficulty working a full-time job due to health problems?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Hi there...
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know if you feel it would be possible but maybe telling your doc what you've written here would help? It sounds as though he's supportive and he'd know what help you could get.
I'm sorry not to have more to offer, the situation sounds horrible and I'm glad you've found us. There's lots of ears here!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know if you feel it would be possible but maybe telling your doc what you've written here would help? It sounds as though he's supportive and he'd know what help you could get.
I'm sorry not to have more to offer, the situation sounds horrible and I'm glad you've found us. There's lots of ears here!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
Hi Grace, Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
I just wanted to say im sorry for what u r going thru. No woman should ever be treated like that. I do understand the duties of a mom because i was a stay at home mom for 16 yrs doing everything including manicuring the lawn. and i was the one here in my family that is in recovery. My spouse is a"normie". No problems with drinking. He could use some al-anon but its not my place to take his inventory.
Anyway...my thoughts and prayers r with u.
For me my family did an intervention on me 15 yrs ago when i couldnt do anything to help myself. I had hit bottom and just couldnt go anymore and tried to check out of this life. Thank God it didnt happen because it would have been a permanant solution to a temporary problem. So final.
Anyway.....there r lots of people, caring people here in SR going thru similar situations as u. So u r not feeling alone. Learning how to gain strength for urself and ways to take care of u because u r that IMPORTANT. Don't let anyone tell u otherwise.
Ask for what u need here so others can guide u and help u thru this.
Stay strong and ask ur Higher Power for guidance and Strength.
Thanks for letting me share.
I just wanted to say im sorry for what u r going thru. No woman should ever be treated like that. I do understand the duties of a mom because i was a stay at home mom for 16 yrs doing everything including manicuring the lawn. and i was the one here in my family that is in recovery. My spouse is a"normie". No problems with drinking. He could use some al-anon but its not my place to take his inventory.
Anyway...my thoughts and prayers r with u.
For me my family did an intervention on me 15 yrs ago when i couldnt do anything to help myself. I had hit bottom and just couldnt go anymore and tried to check out of this life. Thank God it didnt happen because it would have been a permanant solution to a temporary problem. So final.
Anyway.....there r lots of people, caring people here in SR going thru similar situations as u. So u r not feeling alone. Learning how to gain strength for urself and ways to take care of u because u r that IMPORTANT. Don't let anyone tell u otherwise.
Ask for what u need here so others can guide u and help u thru this.
Stay strong and ask ur Higher Power for guidance and Strength.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by Grace
I hate the weekends! It just means more time for him to drink and then turn into an obnoxious, berating, juvenile jerk. He verbally attacked me the whole way home from the Club and then expected me to fix him a meal.
Originally Posted by Grace
So...what does he do? He immediately starts calling MY family members to make it appear to them that HE is the injured party here. Then the next day he says that he is not speaking to me because I got my family involved. Excuse me! Who called them? It is like living with a time bomb every time he gets drunk. He lies! He lies! He lies! He dreams up things to make me look like a terrible person.
Originally Posted by Grace
I live Al-anon. I've been in counseling. I've been hospitalized twice for major clinical depression. When I left him the last time, he begged me to come back. He said he had gone for counseling and had anger management classes. Three sessions DID NOT help. I am a fool....I came back! Honestly, I hated being alone. So does that mean I'm using him?
Originally Posted by Grace
I have beaten cancer and still struggle with MS. I am not working, because my doctor told me to file for disability. But now, I am financially dependent on him to pay the bills ONLY. He does not give me any money and he has chores for me to do every day. I have all the duties of a wife, but none of the benefits. I buy the food, cook, clean, and cut the grass. I am exhausted by the end of the day because of the MS. I know that if I don't keep up with his demands, he will either verbally attack me or throw me out AGAIN!
You haven't got the duties of a "wife", you've got the duties of a maid without the pay. Slave labour?
Originally Posted by Grace
I don't know what I want anyone to say. I can't talk to him, because everything is my fault....according to him.
Originally Posted by Grace
How do we learn to live without them, especially when we don't have any income and have difficulty working a full-time job due to health problems?
You sound very down trodden and as if all your fight has gone. He prolly keeps putting you down in order to keep control. HE should be heping YOU given your illness, not the other way around!
Would it REALLY be so bad living alone?
Have you read about enabling, detaching and co dependancy? The stickys at the top of the forum would be a good place to start...
Learning about this stuff helped me enourmously, not enough to leave him, but they've helped make my situation more bearable.
He's walking all over you because he can.
More qualified peeps may be able to offer better advice and hopefully they'll be along soon. Good luck xxx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ouch... no one should have to live in that abuse.
As if you dont have enough with your health issues to add that to it just breaks my heart. Do you have family or maybe friends you could stay with till the disability kicks in? I think you should talk to your doctor too and let them know what is going on, they might be able to help...
As if you dont have enough with your health issues to add that to it just breaks my heart. Do you have family or maybe friends you could stay with till the disability kicks in? I think you should talk to your doctor too and let them know what is going on, they might be able to help...
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Well Grace, that is ABUSE, mental ABUSE. Its bad when you have to leave like you did, so.............................
How about contacting the nearest Woman's Shelter. Not only can they give you shelter, but they will hook you up with lots of 'help'. Help filing for disability, help from the state, counselling, probably help in finding you a longer term living situation also, even if it is thru Section 8.
It wouldn't be the 'final' solution, but it sure would be an excellent start at giving you some "peace and serenity" in your life. Stress only makes the MS worse.
Hope that helps some!
Lve and (((((to all))))),
How about contacting the nearest Woman's Shelter. Not only can they give you shelter, but they will hook you up with lots of 'help'. Help filing for disability, help from the state, counselling, probably help in finding you a longer term living situation also, even if it is thru Section 8.
It wouldn't be the 'final' solution, but it sure would be an excellent start at giving you some "peace and serenity" in your life. Stress only makes the MS worse.
Hope that helps some!
Lve and (((((to all))))),
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
I agree with laurie, Please call a shelter and see what they can offer. Is your town large enough to have one? You will feel so much better knowing the help avaiable. I do believe there is lots of help.
IMO it is best to go to a shelter and not involve family or friends, then if he bugs family or friends they could charge him with harrassment. Just my thoughts.
IMO it is best to go to a shelter and not involve family or friends, then if he bugs family or friends they could charge him with harrassment. Just my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Let him continue. You will eventually get so sick of it you can leave with joy in your heart. I'm not kidding. We think leaving is hard, but it can be like slamming the door on a chapter in your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Thank you ALL so much for your kind words and advice.
I try living one day at a time, one moment at a time.
I never should've come back. I never should've believed that he changed, but that is where my problem lies. I know that I am codependent, but I am in counseling and I am working to get my self esteem back up where it should be. He sees me gradually getting stronger, and he HATES IT. I believe that is why he tries to tear me down with the verbal abuse.
I will keep working on my problems.
Thank you again!
God Bless!
I try living one day at a time, one moment at a time.
I never should've come back. I never should've believed that he changed, but that is where my problem lies. I know that I am codependent, but I am in counseling and I am working to get my self esteem back up where it should be. He sees me gradually getting stronger, and he HATES IT. I believe that is why he tries to tear me down with the verbal abuse.
I will keep working on my problems.
Thank you again!
God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
This jerk is telling you to buy the food, cook and do chores and you're the one who is suffering with MS??? Codependent or not, you have serious health issues that should be addressed without the unnecessary stress this abusive person is heaping on you. Get out. Get into a shelter. Seek any type of disability money, social services aid, and any other funds you deserve. Don't let him control your life. He can only do so if you allow it.
I lived more weekends than I care to remember with someone who was passed out, falling down, breaking things, in a stupor, cussing me out, and generally carrying on like a maniac. I ALWAYS dreaded long holiday weekends the most. After the hell I put up with this past Memorial Day weekend, I threw him out a week or two later. He's in a facility for 35 days. And I've made it clear to him that I WILL walk out and not look back if he begins drinking again.
You are a strong woman. You've had more than your share of physical suffering. Walk out. Don't go back. You weren't put here to be the whipping post for some sick alcohlic to throw his own self-hatred onto.
I lived more weekends than I care to remember with someone who was passed out, falling down, breaking things, in a stupor, cussing me out, and generally carrying on like a maniac. I ALWAYS dreaded long holiday weekends the most. After the hell I put up with this past Memorial Day weekend, I threw him out a week or two later. He's in a facility for 35 days. And I've made it clear to him that I WILL walk out and not look back if he begins drinking again.
You are a strong woman. You've had more than your share of physical suffering. Walk out. Don't go back. You weren't put here to be the whipping post for some sick alcohlic to throw his own self-hatred onto.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by prodigal
This jerk is telling you to buy the food, cook and do chores and you're the one who is suffering with MS??? Codependent or not, you have serious health issues that should be addressed without the unnecessary stress this abusive person is heaping on you. Get out. Get into a shelter. Seek any type of disability money, social services aid, and any other funds you deserve. Don't let him control your life. He can only do so if you allow it.
I lived more weekends than I care to remember with someone who was passed out, falling down, breaking things, in a stupor, cussing me out, and generally carrying on like a maniac. I ALWAYS dreaded long holiday weekends the most. After the hell I put up with this past Memorial Day weekend, I threw him out a week or two later. He's in a facility for 35 days. And I've made it clear to him that I WILL walk out and not look back if he begins drinking again.
You are a strong woman. You've had more than your share of physical suffering. Walk out. Don't go back. You weren't put here to be the whipping post for some sick alcohlic to throw his own self-hatred onto.
I lived more weekends than I care to remember with someone who was passed out, falling down, breaking things, in a stupor, cussing me out, and generally carrying on like a maniac. I ALWAYS dreaded long holiday weekends the most. After the hell I put up with this past Memorial Day weekend, I threw him out a week or two later. He's in a facility for 35 days. And I've made it clear to him that I WILL walk out and not look back if he begins drinking again.
You are a strong woman. You've had more than your share of physical suffering. Walk out. Don't go back. You weren't put here to be the whipping post for some sick alcohlic to throw his own self-hatred onto.
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