Sad~Sky

New here ... and just discovering a LOT of things. I'm unsure if I am just being hard on my husband or not? Here is a little back ground.

He drinks around 4 to 5 times a week (occaisionally more), between 6-16 beers. The 16 beers I've only seen him do a few times. Generally it is around 6-8 on average. On a side note, he doesn't go to bars, or drink hard liqour .. it's all beer. Also I've never seen him crack one in the morning. He has been drinking since I met him (9 yrs ago). When I first met him, it was a weekend only thing ... no biggie? We were young then, I thought we were just partying.

Fast forward five years later, we buy a house move in and then the weekly drinking begins. Started out like a few times a week, and it has just gotten worse. I started counseling about 2 wks ago due to this and other things. My counsler never came right out and said he was a alcoholic, she said it was excessive? I guess maybe I should have asked harder. So to make a long story short, we've been fighting since I started therapy. He stopped drinking for a whole week, and "acted" like things would get better (we've been here before). First he said I wasn't allowed to speak to my therapist about him at all ... I laughed ... probably wrong response but I couldn't help it.

I am considering leaving him. I came from a substance abusing family already and I've seen all of this before. I am not sure I can handle the ups and downs of recovery ... or IF he will even change. He does for a week and then bam back to what he was doing.

First question is he a alcoholic? How do I know? And secondly, should I leave him? Or keep giving him chances?

Thx so much, I feel so lost, sad , hurt ... and many other things. Needing support ..am I just in total denial?

Sky

Minx1969

Hi Sad~Sky..

Welcome to SR..Pull up a chair and get comfortable and read read read..

one of the first things I learned in Al-Anon is that it is not my problem how much someone drinks..

It IS my problem if the drinking is effecting me..So it's apparent that his drinking is affecting you...

Glad to see that you are going to a therapist..You may want to consider 5 or 6 meetings of Al-Anon as well..Like Sober Recovery you will hopefully find lots of people in person that can support you in your recovery.

there are three C's of Alcoholism:

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

take your time making some decisions...learn as much as you can about Alcoholism and I think that slowly an answer will come to you..doesn't often happen as quick as we should.

One thing that is mentionned here alot: Can you accept him EXACTLY as he is today? he may not change so you need to take some time to decide what you can and cannot live with.

keep posting we're here for you.

ASpouse

Sky, first I agree with Minx has written. Second, if you are even asking yourself these questions, then I believe deep down you already know the answers.

If , as Minx said, his behavior is bothering you, then it is a problem. Keep going to Therapy and try to get yourself to Al Anon or some sort of support group. Don't let this go so far as it totally isolates you. That happens/ed to all of us and it's a much tougher issue to deal with.

Good luck to you!

Zoey

Sorry I missed your post, Welcome to SR, This is the greatest site ever, so do not give up on us because you only got two replys. Excellant replys.

I believe a good therapist might not say, he is an alcoholic.
Just my opinion, but I believe only the person with a drinking problem can or should say I am an alcoholic. In AA they ask if drinking has caused them problems DUI's, car accidents, lost job, lost wife, lost friends etc?. If it causes problems, then it is a problem.

If it causes the non drinking spouse problems then it is a problem.

While waiting for more replys, Please read the stickies at the top, and read as many threads as you can, lots of info. So much to lean.

Keep coming back. Take what you can use and leave the rest. hugs

Sad~Sky

I appreciate all of your reponses. I am soo ... wound up right now. Last night he brought home beer. I guess that prompted my previous post. He was good for a whole week, no beer, we went to the park and dinner. I thought he was actually going to try. Last night he only drank 2 but it was enough to throw me into a spiral again.

I "think" he only drank 2 because he knew I was angry. He said he wanted to "see" if he could only drink 2 and stop ...but I don't believe him. Thank you for providing some perspective on this. I don't think I can stay with him any longer. There are too many pieces too pick up now, and I don't think i have the strength to go with him in these ups and downs. I feel like he has vaccumed out any strength, hope, faith I had left. We have a child together ow (he is 1 yrs old). This makes it even harder. I never wanted to be the "divorced", like most people I wanted to be forever. I came from a divorced family, even though it was for the better. He doesn't understand that I've seen many people in my family suffer from this disease, and I just don't know if I can take living with it again. It is too detrimental to me, and I can not let my son go through what I did. I feel so broken inside right now.

I am going to my moms this weekend to 'gather' myself. I may come back, I may not, I haven't really decided. I just know I need to get away from him right now. I feel like being around him is clouding my decision. I am afraid to go, and afraid to stay. I will look into Ala non meetings most certainly. I just feel like I can only handle one thing at a time. Right now, it is therapy for me, so I don't go crazy!

Any insight or support offered is wonderful. I guess I feel weird going to Ala non like someone will say what are you doing here? you really don't have a problem.

Sky

Cynay

Welcome to SR... we are glad you found us.

I did not want to go to Al-anon either, but after a year in the program I can honestly say that it has helped me just as much if not more the theraphy is some ways. Theraphy for me was still Isolated to 2 people and thought it helped we were not on an even playing field... I was paying her and unless she had live with addiction she really did not understand completely the depth of it.

At Al-anon I found people that really understood cuz they were living this life too... and it was not an even playing field. They support me ALL the time, not just when Im paying them too... I guess that is the difference for me.

Remember you dont have to make a decision today, I would suggest before you make any decision you get educated in the disease and really understand the dynamics of it all.

ChildlikeFaith

This is directly from the Al-Anon website at http://www.al-anon.org/S17web.html

StandingStrong

For many years, I questioned if AH was an alcoholic. Or was he just a problem drinker? Or was I making a bigger deal out of it than it really was? Etc Etc Etc.
I needed to know the truth - to have an answer. Why? Because I was the one that felt like I was going insane!!!

Today...it isn't a matter of importance if AH is an alcoholic, a problem drinker, etc. The fact of the matter is, his drinking affects me. It affects our children. And it affected our lives - and it has left the scars within us that will probably never go away.

Today....I choose about MY life. And that means setting boundaries which include the choice of having alcohol in my life or not, via me or those around me.

Today......just for today.....I try to live for ME! And for my children!

It took me a long time to realize that it didn't really matter if AH was an alcoholic - what mattered was the affect of someone else's drinking on me, my kids, and our lives!
Hopefully soon you can realize this too. And won't waste so many years of your life like I did trying to find the "answer" or the "label". Alcoholism and problem drinking, binges, etc - they hurt the ones around the them - it doesn't really matter the "name" that we give it.