Fighting hard
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: US
Posts: 81
Fighting hard
hey,
I just need to get this out.
Last night was one of my worse nights. I fought all night long to not end it all. I didn't of course but I know i am far from out of the woods here. I feel like everything is falling apart. If I didn't have such a huge committment today I would call my dr and be admitted for a couple days. I have already decided if I don't feel better I am going to ask to be admitted somewhere tomorrow afternoon. I don't even care where. Just somewhere. I am still weaning but have not taken it since 1pm on the 25th. I had to have a procedure that required general anesthetic. I start back today. I dont know if I feel this way from all that or what but i have not fought with myself this hard in a long time,
I just need to get this out.
Last night was one of my worse nights. I fought all night long to not end it all. I didn't of course but I know i am far from out of the woods here. I feel like everything is falling apart. If I didn't have such a huge committment today I would call my dr and be admitted for a couple days. I have already decided if I don't feel better I am going to ask to be admitted somewhere tomorrow afternoon. I don't even care where. Just somewhere. I am still weaning but have not taken it since 1pm on the 25th. I had to have a procedure that required general anesthetic. I start back today. I dont know if I feel this way from all that or what but i have not fought with myself this hard in a long time,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
Sharing My Esh With You
Hi, Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
Thanks still me for sharing.
Can you share with me a little more so i will know what u r weaning urself off off?
It took many years of using or drinking to get us where we r today.
Like a story i hear in early recovery....a man walks in the woods to catch a bear. He walks and walks and walks further in the woods. Well u know he's gonna have to eventually walk all those miles back to get out of the woods.
And if he kills the bear, it will be a haul to carry it back out.
But you know, with time, effort, willingness and desire to walk back out with his prize....well think how he is gonna feel once he reaches the end. Sees the sunlight after being in darkness for so long.
WHAT A JOY.
Its the same with people recoverying. It took yrs to get where we are, abusing our bodies and minds till we cant go on anymore. We are worn out, tired, beat down.
Now, we r given tools of recovery to use to help us take one step at a time to get the relief we so deserve from our addiction. From so many that are walking the road of recovery and staying clean and sober we can believe we too can get that way too.
I had reach my bottom, the end of my rope and tried to find an easier way out of life. I later learned that it would have been a permanant solution to a temporary problem. PERMANANT sounds so FINAL. Im so glad that when i reach the end of my rope that My Higher Power was listening to me. I finally realized later that He wasn't thru with me yet. He had other plans for me and that plan was to stay sober so i could and can share my own ESH with others learning to stay sober and clean one day at a time.
Is this what ur HP want's u to do?
Thanks for letting me share.
Thanks still me for sharing.
Can you share with me a little more so i will know what u r weaning urself off off?
It took many years of using or drinking to get us where we r today.
Like a story i hear in early recovery....a man walks in the woods to catch a bear. He walks and walks and walks further in the woods. Well u know he's gonna have to eventually walk all those miles back to get out of the woods.
And if he kills the bear, it will be a haul to carry it back out.
But you know, with time, effort, willingness and desire to walk back out with his prize....well think how he is gonna feel once he reaches the end. Sees the sunlight after being in darkness for so long.
WHAT A JOY.
Its the same with people recoverying. It took yrs to get where we are, abusing our bodies and minds till we cant go on anymore. We are worn out, tired, beat down.
Now, we r given tools of recovery to use to help us take one step at a time to get the relief we so deserve from our addiction. From so many that are walking the road of recovery and staying clean and sober we can believe we too can get that way too.
I had reach my bottom, the end of my rope and tried to find an easier way out of life. I later learned that it would have been a permanant solution to a temporary problem. PERMANANT sounds so FINAL. Im so glad that when i reach the end of my rope that My Higher Power was listening to me. I finally realized later that He wasn't thru with me yet. He had other plans for me and that plan was to stay sober so i could and can share my own ESH with others learning to stay sober and clean one day at a time.
Is this what ur HP want's u to do?
Thanks for letting me share.
Trying to do the right thing.
Join Date: May 2006
Location: London
Posts: 4,345
If you feel unsafe your making the right deicsion to admit yourself,better than the alternative...!
Wishing you all the best n Please Take Care of yourself.!
Tomorrow is always another day...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: US
Posts: 81
Thank you guys.
I worked my butt off today and I'm exhausted. Technically I wasn't suppose to do much but had made the committment before I knew about the procedure. I am feeling better right now. I don't know if I had a poor reaction from the anesthetic or if it was the stop cold for 24 hours before the procedure.
I am weaning off Oxycontin after suffering pancreatitis and ending up in ICU. I asked the drs to start weaning me off. I had got it cut in half and then had to go 24 hours without it. I didn't think it would be a problem but it was OR it was a combo of that and the anesthetic. I just don't know. I know that I cried and wished to be taken last night and fought this disturbing battle in my head all night long. I wanted to end it but yet the other voice in there was saying no and how selfish it was. That went on all night long. I feel better tonight. I feel I was selfish yet I also know those feelings can come back 5 minutes from now or not at all tonight. IF it happens again tonight then I will tell my dr. I need to be in the hospital for a few days or something. Many years ago I had a serious attempt but after 3 days in icu then I pulled thru. So I get really scared when I have that battle going on.
I have gotten off everything but the oxycontin now. I have no desire to drink, pancreatitis can do that too you. Now I just have to get off this med. I have about 2 more weeks at the rate my dr is weaning me. I don't know if this is the right way or not but after last night I will not go cold again. It was a nasty fight with myself last night and i know i'm lucky I won.
Thank you for letting me share here. In about 2 weeks I can say I have day one. I know there are many who will not agree with the method I'm using to get off this. I just hope those that don't will let me use this board until I am clean off everything.
I worked my butt off today and I'm exhausted. Technically I wasn't suppose to do much but had made the committment before I knew about the procedure. I am feeling better right now. I don't know if I had a poor reaction from the anesthetic or if it was the stop cold for 24 hours before the procedure.
I am weaning off Oxycontin after suffering pancreatitis and ending up in ICU. I asked the drs to start weaning me off. I had got it cut in half and then had to go 24 hours without it. I didn't think it would be a problem but it was OR it was a combo of that and the anesthetic. I just don't know. I know that I cried and wished to be taken last night and fought this disturbing battle in my head all night long. I wanted to end it but yet the other voice in there was saying no and how selfish it was. That went on all night long. I feel better tonight. I feel I was selfish yet I also know those feelings can come back 5 minutes from now or not at all tonight. IF it happens again tonight then I will tell my dr. I need to be in the hospital for a few days or something. Many years ago I had a serious attempt but after 3 days in icu then I pulled thru. So I get really scared when I have that battle going on.
I have gotten off everything but the oxycontin now. I have no desire to drink, pancreatitis can do that too you. Now I just have to get off this med. I have about 2 more weeks at the rate my dr is weaning me. I don't know if this is the right way or not but after last night I will not go cold again. It was a nasty fight with myself last night and i know i'm lucky I won.
Thank you for letting me share here. In about 2 weeks I can say I have day one. I know there are many who will not agree with the method I'm using to get off this. I just hope those that don't will let me use this board until I am clean off everything.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
Thanks still me for sharing.
I dont have a problem with u sharing. There are many im guessing that are working thru the same situation as u and could use some support here. so dont give up. With u sharing then others can join in to help each other thru this. Just share ur experiences, strengths and hopes with others as u go thru the process of getting clean one day at a time.
Thanks for letting me share and hang in there.
I dont have a problem with u sharing. There are many im guessing that are working thru the same situation as u and could use some support here. so dont give up. With u sharing then others can join in to help each other thru this. Just share ur experiences, strengths and hopes with others as u go thru the process of getting clean one day at a time.
Thanks for letting me share and hang in there.
Living and Loving.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
Stillme you sound like you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. Keep taking those baby steps and please please please talk to your Doctor about your suicidal feelings even if they have passed. Cuz you know they have been there before and will most likely return... depression is like that. You don't have to suffer more so talk to your Doc and maybe he can get you some help with that.
**{hug}} Hang in there
Suga
**{hug}} Hang in there
Suga
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: US
Posts: 81
well today WAS ok. Felt better about things earlier but now feel like crap again. I am just going to call the dr tomorrow no matter if I'm feeling better or not. There must be a diff. way to do this cause I don't think I can take another almost 2 weeks of this. I'm afraid at some point during that time I will lose. So tomorrow I'll call and see what she suggests to keep my butt safe.
thanks guys
thanks guys
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